


Oh How the Body Falls Apart.

by Chocolate_Cigars_and_root_beer



Series: I'd Like to Believe That I'd Do it Again [2]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: 's kinda cool, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, But hey Cordelia and Jason get along so that, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, I can't promise that but there are a lot of happy moments, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Canon, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy, no one is happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-14 13:58:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 91,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13591530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chocolate_Cigars_and_root_beer/pseuds/Chocolate_Cigars_and_root_beer
Summary: What must one do after losing a brother? A Father? A friend? A lover? While life continues, you must swim against the current of grief to emerge from it pull victorious. Life must continue for a tight-knit family and so does their story.Aka grief as explored through the perspective of each family memberUpdates sporadically but often.





	1. The Music Still Plays On.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia smiles through losing a brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter because I was unhappy with it so remix for the road?

Whizzer was gone and he had been gone for a while now, sure physically he was there but mentally he was missing. The slight gleam in his eyes had just disappeared, and god how she missed his laugh. It seemed like he hadn’t smiled let alone laughed in years. She just wanted her friend again not the vacant shell of himself that presented itself as the real Whizzer. But that was the thing, wasn’t it? This was what the illness had left behind this shell was the real Whizzer.

It had been a normal night she was sat in the stiff chair that was tilted so she could talk to her friend easier he was half awake but more aware than normal. “Ya know you don’t have to be here, I know you probably want to see Charlotte.” his eyes almost pleaded for her to leave but the shiksa was not going to leave him to sit alone in a hospital room to simply focus on his breathing.

“I want to be here.” she placed her hand on his shoulder, this conversation couldn’t end at that just say anything “Do you remember my first winter here?”

Whizzer let out a short laugh “How could I forget? You didn’t know it was going to be so cold so you didn’t bring a coat.”

“And boots.”

“Your mildewy sneakers are something that I will never forget.” he scrunched his nose “Most of your money went to washing those. Thank god for Charlotte.”

“I still have the boots she got me.” together they laughed about their college years and the many many mistakes they had made.

* * *

 Whizzer had been pronounced dead and a funeral date was set, he was fully and truly gone. Cordelia knew that, but she couldn’t help but reach for the phone to call, she even caught herself planning out her day around visiting him. The apartment was too empty, she had never liked being alone but now it was so unbearable. She attempted to check in on Marvin simply because he would need the distraction and so would she but he didn’t answer to her many knocks.

* * *

 The day was luminous and bright, there was barely a cloud in the sky. It was profoundly unfair, she couldn’t focus on anything Mendel was saying because the sun was shining so brightly. It was spring it should be rainy it should be dark, why would a funeral be so light? But that didn’t matter, did it? Would she really remember this day or was it simply a problem that she found at the moment and was focusing on instead of the fact that she was watching her friend being lowered into the ground. Being buried with him were his jokes, his smile, oh his smiles, simply everything that Cordelia could seem to hold on to. Everything was scattered in the wind and she couldn’t run to catch them.


	2. Now You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason opens a gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just revised this on December 21st so have fun.

One month. The amount of time designated to him to grieve before he would resume school.

But like all things that came to an end. Personally, he found it to be unjust, how could he go back to school in a time where life seemed to never make enough sense.

"Jason honey." Called the soprano voice of his Mother as the artificial light of the hallway filled Jason's room "It's time to get up." exhaustion had already crept into his bones.

He began despite his heavy eyes and a tension headache that had already developed. Those were common, his Mother joked that it was the only common trait that both her and his Father shared.

When he arrived at the red brick building he wished only to faint, it was dramatic enough to buy more time to think of how exactly to go about this.

"Where have you been?" The other boy exclaimed as he sat in the chair next to Jason.

"I was sick." Jason lied. It was the only choice people already judged his family enough this only seemed to invite more of that.

"For a month? Lucky!” He exclaimed the words weren't malicious they didn't mean sting but all the same they did.

"Yeah…” 

* * *

  _He didn't favour the newfound presence of Whizzer, he could have bared his father up and leaving or some giant fight for custody but now it seemed as if his Father was beginning to force the concept of family on three people who wouldn't ever fit it._

* * *

 The bus ride home was loud as usual, he had always preferred walking home for that reason. His feet fell upon the metal steps as the February air pulled against his face, his home seemed so distant now as if walking there would have been ridiculous.

There had been a time before his Mother's sobs before they painted the apartment with their sorrow. They always seemed to fake, not in tone, they sounded real, but from where they came from. Hadn't she hated Whizzer? Why was this her battle? It so clearly wasn't. Why only now did she seem to care? He couldn't stand them, they mocked the air they filled. Even if only for the afternoon he had to escape.

Forty minutes of sitting alone in a cramped train and walking led him to a familiar apartment building, he rushed up the flight of stairs settling on an apartment marked thirty-seven he knocked waiting for an answer but silence only returned his call, he knocked again hoping that his Father was simply getting up and yet again the wind was his only response. He had likely gone to work, after all, there was no reason for him not to. Determined that this trip would not be wasted he marched to apartment thirty-six. He knocked and this time the door was opened by a tall blonde woman, her teary blue eyes were hidden behind large gold frames, her once long hair had been cropped to rest just below her chin. 

* * *

  _"_ _Who's she?” Jason had been flipping through one of Whizzer's many albums, it was fair entertainment._

_“The blonde or the brunette?”_

_“Blonde.”_

_The man squinted as if he couldn't quite remember the woman “Cordelia, we were friends in college.” he greatly underdeveloped his relationship with her._

_“You went to college?”_

_“Yup the full four years.” he beamed._

_“What did you even go for?”_

_“Art history.”_

_The boy seemed somewhat disappointed in the answer “Why?”_

_“I don't know. It's interesting.”_

* * *

 "Jason!" She exclaimed lowering herself the meet with the boy's small stature "Did Marvin get locked out again?" Jason shook his head "Oh! Are you just here to visit?" It was strange he had barely been there on his own accord.

"Yeah" Jason whispered, Cordelia simply smiled and opened her door wider.

"Does Trin- Your Mom,” she corrected herself “Know you're here?" Jason shook his head again "Well I'm going to go call to tell her." that was fair though she likely didn't notice his absence she should be informed just exactly he was.

Cordelia dialled the number that Jason had given here she was met with a few rings then a voicemail. That was strange Trina was home, wasn't she? The shiksa exhaled and began to dig through a drawer the search took minutes until she returned victorious with a wrinkled piece of mint green paper.

"Hi! It’s Cordelia, Marvin's friend." He found it odd that she had introduced herself in that way "Well Jason's at the apartment I thought you should know." She shook her head slightly as if that might translate to this call "No he's fine here you can get him after work if you want..." Cordelia pitched, a few seconds after she gave the boy a thumbs up.

After three hours of Cordelia never really catching onto whatever subject they had set, of her going back and forth on what time Charlotte got home, of the both of them sitting in companionable silence, Mendel finally arrived thanking Cordelia a bit more than he needed to.

Jason didn't enjoy Mendel's company after Whizzer's death, it felt hollow and as if he was a psychiatrist first and a father second.

The ride home was almost silent, so close to perfection until Mendel spoke up "How did you even manage to get up here?"

Jason considered getting out of the car taking off. But where would he go? "I got there myself every weekend for two years."

"Yeah." the car stopped "Jason, why did you leave?"

"Just stop," Jason said turning to look out the window.

"Jason I'm al-"

"Just stop okay?" Jason cut off.

"Okay." Mendel his hand gripped the steering wheel ever so tighter.

Jason didn't eat dinner that night he simply went to his room and laid down claiming that he felt sick. 

* * *

 The bag Charlotte had given him sat on his dresser, it had remained there for the past months. He knew who it was truly from and he didn't want to invite that back so it could put more pressure on his chest.

But perhaps a small look wasn’t too much. Stuffed in the firm canvas was an envelope and a bulky case for what Jason could only assume was a camera. He allowed himself to open the envelope surely that didn’t mean too much.

_Jason,_

_Kiddo_?,

_All of the above,_

_You know what has happened and I_ don't want to burden you with nothing _but reminders. I'm not going to bore you with things you already know. Well, I will say one thing I hope you know, I love you kid. You brought a family back into my life and I don’t think I could have managed without them. Thank you for that. Thank you for one thousand other things that I couldn’t remember or that I simply can’t fit in this letter. You are the best sorta step-son I could wish for. Don’t let this world get you down, there are so many small wonders if you look for them. Please look for them. I’m not refined enough for a will but I did leave you my camera and enough film to last you at least a few years, I don’t blame you if you choose not to use it but if you do just make sure to annoy Cordelia just a little with it. (She deserves it)_

_-Whizzer_

_P.s If a 'My dad's boyfriend died' essay doesn't get you into your first choice college I promise to haunt admissions until they let you in._

His eyes traced the letters as if he were trying to memorize every loop, the way each ‘i’ was dotted, the small quirks that made his handwriting truly unique. 

* * *

  _For fleeting moments Whizzer could rationalize Marvin, his actions, but more importantly his relationship with him. Jason came into that equation a lot, he seemed to be deeply ashamed of his family and for that Whizzer couldn't truly judge him after all he had been ashamed of his family for much smaller things. But now as he leaned against the railing of the patio he couldn't help but wonder just exactly why he had chosen to stay on this path._

_Perhaps the reason for his late realization that Jason had stepped onto the patio was that his eyes were so closely cast to the orange sky or the fact that the sliding glass door seemed to be too quiet._

_“Hey.” Jason imitated his lean against the cool metal._

_“Hello.”_

_“Do you know when my Dad gets home.”_

_“He went to work so five I assume.”_

_The kid’s face took a form of disappointment “He always does this on weekends.”_

_“What exactly?”_

_“Goes to work.” Jason stood up straight “He doesn't have to work on weekends but he still does.”_

_“I'm sure he's just busy.” he wasn't really sure how to comfort him “It's really not you.”_

_“Really?”_

_“I'm certain.”_

_To that, Jason smiled “It's still a jerk move.”_

_“I could take you to Trina's if you want.” it was a real offer he'd rather have this argument later than keep Jason in a house he didn't wish to be in._

_“No she probably has Mendel over or something.” the name Mendel seemed familiar but Whizzer couldn't put a face to the name “I don't want to interrupt that, plus you're the coolest one of them all so,” he trailed off._

_“That's either a compliment to me or an insult to everyone else.”_

_“I'll let you take it whichever way you choose.”_

* * *

 The lense of the glass shined under the yellow light of the lamp, it's matte black body refused to refract any light. He flipped it over, six pictures were left. Six more chances to take, six times to see the small wonders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is f u n


	3. All Good Things Come to Pass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trina finds herself caring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revisions are going well so far so yeet

His sickness hit Trina harder than she thought it would, she was strong enough for a parent's death, for a messy divorce, the question of if anyone in the world truly loved her. But when faced with the fact that Whizzer likely would never truly recover she couldn't help but be knocked to her knees. Of course, back then they weren't fully preparing for the worst, it had seemed that they all fes into an optimistic lie. Good things came in three, but so did the bad, perhaps they had all squandered their three goods. 

* * *

Perhaps it was nothing but a ridiculous act on her part to mourn one Whizzer Brown. The man who she had previously blamed for the downfall of her life, someone who seemed to bring nothing but an annoyance. But Whizzer was also sweet and as annoying as he seemed she couldn't help but bond with the man. He had confided to her the small fact of his real name. Surely that meant something. 

* * *

  _"Ya know Trina you're cooler than I thought you were,” Whizzer said his words slightly slurred._

_"I try," Trina responded. "You're pretty cool for a guy named Whizzer."_

_"My name isn't even really Whizzer." he pronounced his name oddly adding an extra ‘E’ in a place it didn't belong._

_"It isn't?" Trina asked she had truly never questioned his name._

_"No it's Beckett, awful isn't it?" Whizzer didn't wait for the woman's response "It means bee cottage or something stupid like that, who the fuck names their kid that? They named my brother Davey but no Beckett for the oldest." he had not mentioned an younger sibling ever._

_"Where did Whizzer come from then?"_

_"New York, New me." Whizzer joked pausing to take a sip of his wine "I thought that motorcycles were the coolest shit so why not restart my life being named after one?"_

_"I mean it does suit you."_

_"That's nice but not the truth. Whizzer will never fit anyone."_

_He had been nice to her, calls on her birthday, small talk at dinners, small moments of truly caring._

* * *

 She didn't speak at his funeral, no one really did other than a few words of condolence, and a short speech given by Mendel that seemed to emotionally rock Cordelia.

Her husband grabbed her hand with the intention of going back to the car.

"I'm going to stay here for just a little longer, you and Jason wait in the car." The man nodded and turned to grab his step-son.

Trina and Marvin stood in front of the small gravestone silence creeping in between the two.

"Bastard didn't even give me his real name." Marvin broke the hush.

"He didn't?" Trina shifted her eyes to look at her ex.

"Nope, an elusive beast was that Whizzer Brown." He rocked on the balls of his feet.

They were set in front of the grave for another eternity before Trina spoke up "Beckett" Marvin turned to look at her "His real name was Beckett." the stillness returned neither one of them wanting to speak.

Slowly time began again and Trina returned to her car to the husband and child she had seemed to start this new chapter of her life with. 

* * *

 "Does one month sound okay?" this argument had been reviving itself for the past week.

"I guess." Jason sunk into his seat.

"Okay, thank you.” Jason ran upstairs with no goodbyes leaving Trina and Mendel alone at the table "I'm going to go for a drive." she set her palms on the table and announced calmly.

"Do you want-" Mendel started but Trina had already left the table and was in the foyer.

The drive went to no particular destination she simply let the rain lay upon the windshield, let the lights warm her eyes, and let the sound of the street creep past the rain and into her mind. 

* * *

  _"_ _I never learned how to drive.” Whizzer leaned back in his chair._

_“What?” it seemed like such a basic skill._

_“Yeah, my Mom never taught me and I moved to the city pretty young so what was the point?”_

_“Didn’t you have someone else to teach you?” A father perhaps, an older brother maybe?_

_“Cordelia tried to teach me once but she just got annoyed.”_

_“I don’t blame her.”_

_The man shoved his mouth to the side “Rude.”_

_“It’s true.” she shrugged._

_“The truth can be rude too.”_

* * *

 According to Charlotte; Whizzer had written a will. Not legally binding in any form of the word, simply something he had listed off to her one night. To Trina, he had left a mahogany box, vintage in its features, and scoffed from many years of moving.

"I'm not sure what's in it but he was set on you having it," Charlotte explained as she handed the box to the taller woman who simply nodded in response.

The concept of what exactly the contents of the box were a much more appealing than the confession that this simple item did not contain the answers she wished for, a gust of winds for her sails, the ash for her to once rise again. But the small hope that perhaps within the walls of wood sat something that would offer her a smile, an old friendly embrace, but most of all a reason. But she only found a handwritten letter scattered beneath it rose hundreds of photos. She nearly ripped the paper needing more to see.

_Trin,_

_Can I call ya Trin? I never seemed to get the courage to ask if you hate Trin then fill in the ‘a’. I've spent so many years feeling so bad for you but I look up only to see you and Mendel and can find no true guilt in my soul. Life has seemed to only fuck you over and you have not let it ever get you down for too long. But life gave you Mendel and the brilliant kid that seems to only fly, so perhaps at times, it can be kind. I felt the need to remind you of that, this whole letter thing seems so grim when perhaps it shouldn't be. You have been kind to me, I mean when you were your version of rude it was deserved. I understand that I am a dick, well sometimes I'm not Marvin. This doesn't seem like the time for that joke but if I call you to tell you it you'd hang up. (I wrote this pretty late bordering on really early just so that makes sense.) I have a thousand things I need to say but none of the right words will come near me, I wish they would you deserve better than this. Oh! Maybe the box, yeah it's ugly I think Cordelia's Mom gave it to me so I just started storing photos in there. But yeah photos, of the family, of course, I figured you would enjoy them it seemed like the closest thing to perfect I could ever get. I also left a letter for Marvin and Jason, I figured Marvin would open his before the date enclosed and Jason is truly his father’s child. If you decide to blow it off completely it’s fully okay. This isn’t my dying wish or something. I love you like family, I think I always will._

_With hope,_

_Crusher of little league events; Whizzer Brown._

_P.s If you tell Marvin my real name I will haunt Mendel’s coffee machine._

She only read the letter once, she laughed with it and that was all. Reading it anymore would create nothing but a barrier. She knew how she wished to remember her ex-husband’s boyfriend and it wasn’t through a piece of paper.

The photos seemed to do nothing but clash together. Roses, Jason pulled a stupid face, Mendel with his eyes and mug raised to the heavens, Cordelia and Charlotte sitting on a couch, shaky photos of Whizzer, the ones of her didn’t seem to catch her attention in the slightest way. Each photo showed a plain woman with either a hand blocking her face or a forced smile. Only now did it occur that she should have entertained his photos a little more. Trina wasn’t aware of a family photo of the seven of them and now she wished only to find it in this ocean of ink, she should’ve asked while she had the time. 

* * *

 Her day was empty. That was the issue. So many days seemed barren. But today she knew the smallest thing to do; buy roses.

The walk to the cemetery was short that was the true curse of this all it was so fucking close. Guilt crept in if she didn’t go but if she did the same guilt invited itself into her life. Just under the tree. That’s what she remembered, Whizzer was under the second tallest tree.

She kneeled down and placed the bouquet almost as an offering to the smooth stone "I hope you like them, I figured that they were your favourite all the pictures…” He had always had a soft spot for flowers "We weren’t sure if we should give you the whole traditional Jewish funeral, that’s the question she should have asked. Cordelia said that you would’ve liked that and we all seemed to trust her. Your pictures were really nice, I'm glad you gave them to me. Ya know I miss talking to you, you’re funny I can only listen to Mendel's stories for so long. I love him but some stories need to end.” she longed for a response “Jason quit baseball and the chess club. He's having fun with your camera it meant a lot to him. At least I think it did. Mendel's working he's been pretty okay. I haven't seen Cordelia much I think Jason went to see her a few weeks ago." Trina thought for a second no it had been over a month ago she decided not to correct herself "I love you Whizzer, I never thought to say that, we never got to I guess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can fully get more of these out I'm gonna be done soon I promise


	4. On a Loop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mendel is unsure. Wishing he knew more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas but I'm Jewish so that's not much

This was perhaps the first out of body experience Mendel had ever had. For a moment his very being left him, the news that someone had died was not one he had ever received. It was stupid to wish he had but surely hearing the words before would have softened them now.

“I'm sorry Marvin.”

“Thank you.”

He should have held onto the phone longer this wasn't something that you only apologize for. But Marvin had hung up before he did and it seemed almost cruel to call again. 

* * *

 Trina had planned the whole affair but she needed everyone to sign off on it. That was the only way she claimed it would ever be right. There was no reason to object.

A flood of people seemed to be there, strangely no one Cordelia pegged for family, just friends that all seemed to know Whizzer so much better than he did.

He had shaken the hand of a tall blonde man with striking hazel eyes “I feel like I should recognize you!” his voice seemed too jolly for the occasion.

“Maybe,” he knew this stranger shouldn't “I'm the husband of his boyfriend's ex-wife.”

“I never caught up on that web, Charlotte tried once but I couldn't wrap my head around it!”

“I suppose when you live it, it's a little easier.”

The flood of people were easily evaporated after the whole ceremony, in their absence they left the remaining six family members. Perhaps this was the end of the road for them, this is where the world left them, where any guidance would slip it's hand away and run.

He hadn't truly processed this, none of them had. The concept of death held too much to be swallowed so easily. Someone was so easily fed to the void. They left an empty place that could never be filled, but more importantly, they left a family behind, sure they didn't mean to do it but somewhere in Mendel's mind he couldn't help but think it to be selfish. That was wrong.

Trina had stayed presumably to speak to Marvin leaving him and his step-son alone in the car. Words didn’t seem to flow between the two of them, that seemed like an understatement, they were both silent Mendel because he had no words and Jason because he didn’t find it necessary.

“He said thank you.”

“Whizzer?” Mendel had truly blocked out the bar mitzvah from his mind.

“Yeah.” Jason swallowed air “He said thank you and then he just left.” what Jason meant by ‘left’ exactly seemed ambiguous as if he himself may also not know “Why would he say thank you?”

That was a question Mendel didn't have the answer to, he hated questions for that they were almost never easily answered “I'm,” maybe he just wasn't meant to have a kid this seemed like a situation that he should be able to fix “Not entirely sure. Maybe he was just thankful that you were in his life.”

“Do you think he knew?”

“Maybe he did. I've never been that close to actually,” he didn't finish the sentence.

Soon Trina returned and en masse they returned home. 

* * *

 Why would Whizzer have included him in his will? They were family of course but Mendel wasn't exactly the best candidate for any if this. Charlotte had handed him an envelope with his name written in rolling letters, for a reason he couldn't quite place his stomach sank and a lump formed in his throat. He didn't expect to recognize the handwriting, when he did it seemed to only bring back a time that seemed too much easier to comprehend. 

_Jason scrunched his lips “I don't like the dinners with Whizzer.”_

_“Why is that exactly?” Mendel crossed his legs._

_“It's always so awkward,” the boy bit the inside of his cheek “Like none of us but him want to be there but he's so desperate to cling onto this that it's only for him at this point.”_

Sure at the time like seemed so hectic but Mendel would take hectic over the downpour that seemed to only cover the six of them.  

* * *

 "Hi! It’s Cordelia, Marvin's friend." He knew Cordelia outside of her being Marvin's friend it was an odd greeting.

“Oh hi Delia!” he used her nickname almost to reaffirm that he knew her.

"Well Jason's at the apartment I thought you should know."

“Do I need to come get him?”

"No he's fine here you can get him after work if you want..." Cordelia pitched, her voice straining.

“I'd owe you my life.” and with that Cordelia disconnected.

The ride home was almost silent, the sun had already set leaving nothing but the shimmer of the stars in its trail "How did you even manage to get up here?" Jason seemed too young to have gotten so far all alone.

"I got there myself every weekend for two years." Jason leaned forward as if preparing for an exit.

"Yeah." the car stopped "Jason, why did you leave?"

"Just stop,” his bronze eyes caught just on the window.

"Jason I'm al-"

"Just stop okay?"

"Okay." He wanted Jason to know that he was there but he seemed to have no interest in that. 

* * *

 He hadn't counted the days since Whizzer's passing, it was a conscious decision on his part. The toll that would've been taken was much stronger than it's benefits. But the twenty-seventh would always stand out, no matter the month or year the twenty-seventh now carried this new burden. Two months had welcomed him and then shut him out, but now he didn't know where to go from here. He didn't expect to be at the end of this road so early, but there was no beaten path for him to follow now. No answer to open the letter or keep it sealed, whether or not to reach out to Marvin, to allow himself to be alone or simply to connect. He couldn't leap into an abyss that made no promises, no matter how sweetly it seemed to play out in his head.

But the letter stayed unopened, Marvin remained uncontacted, and Mendel kept still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REVISIONS ARE FUN KIDS


	5. It Rains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte and Whizzer talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's wild this was the last chapter I wrote before my life blew up like a year ago.

The dictation of a will lowered the hopes of Charlotte. If Whizzer was only now thinking about his earthly possessions then surely he wasn't planning on truly hanging on for an extended period of time. It was slowly soul-crushing, it would take so many more years to grasp what these small actions truly encompassed. 

* * *

 The hospital was always so serene at night, untouched by the world outside the dimmed lights brought a different atmosphere to the entire building. She had turned the corner it had become customary to at least see Whizzer before she left, almost as an affirmation that he was still around. Tonight the visit was to bring home Cordelia who had forced Marvin out for tonight at least, he needed to sleep in a real bed for at least a night. 

He had almost always been asleep which made this night stick out in a very minor way "Hey Char." he whispered careful not to wake the woman who snored softly into his shoulder.

"Hey Whiz, shouldn't you be asleep?" This had been a frequent argument, the eating and sleeping or the lack of it.

"Yeah I guess but I just can't..." He clearly wanted sleep so she decided to let him off there.

"Want any company?" Charlotte asked she wasn't really tired and god knows Cordelia could’ve used what little extra sleep she could have gotten.

Whizzer nodded and his old friend planted herself in the stiff chair next to Whizzer's bed.

"You guys never told me.” he smiled “How exactly did you and Cordelia meet?"

"She never told you? I always just assumed she did." Charlotte tilted her head.

"Nope." Whizzer closed his eyes "She doesn't tell me that much.” this was simply dramatic she told him almost too much “I didn't know her last name until she went to change it." He had he had simply forgotten it.

Charlotte thought for a second "I think I spilt coffee on her something like that."

_"What the fuck?" Washing the coffee stain was clearly not helping._

_"I'm so sorry!" She had offered help but gave very little of it._

_"No, no I'll just get Whizzer to get the stain out." The blonde woman sighed as she gave up on her attempt to save the grey t-shirt._

_"Whizzer? That's odd..." she honestly didn't know how to respond to the name._

_The woman shrugged "I know but he's my only friend in the city."_

_"It's better than nothing."_

_"If you ever meet him you'll disagree.” she offered her hand "Cordelia."_

_The shorter woman shook her hand "Charlotte. Wanna get coffee or something?"_

_“Hey two C's and yes long as you don't spill it on me." The woman giggled at her own joke._

“That's better than I fucked him twice and he's way too clingy,” Whizzer said poking fun at how he had met his lover.

"Definitely." Charlotte smiled “But how did you two meet?”

“Oh god college probably.” he used a questioning tone as if he needed her approval on that estimate.

_Cordelia hadn't been exactly thrilled when ‘Foundations of Contemporary Culture' was a required course for her major but she wasn't paying $365 a semester to end up with no diploma._

_One chair was free, who knew that foundation of so and so was such a popular class? She took her seat carefully avoiding brushing against the leather jacket she could've sworn was more expensive than her entire wardrobe._

_“Hey.” his voice was that of a tenor in one word it shared a warmth._

_“Oh hey.” she smiled._

_He was sitting on the quad alone the next time she spotted this stranger. Perhaps that is why she invited herself to sit next to him._

_“We have a class together,” she stuck out her hand “I'd tell you which one but I forgot the name.”_

_“Oh yeah!” he shook her hand “I'm Whizzer like the bike.”_

_“I'm Cordelia like the dead grandma!” she smiled widely when for what seemed like the first time that joke seemed to land._

“God I should that seems like pivotal Cordelia trivia.” he looked down at his friend only now noticing how exhausted he truly looked, the dark bags under her eyes, the roots she had only now let grow in, her chapped lips, he couldn't help but feel as if this exhaustion was caused by him “When was the last time she slept?” he joked.

"I'm not sure… I should.”

“That's not your job.”

“I've always assumed she gets enough sleep but I work too much to really check.”

“I'll check for you,” this was a spark of hope in Whizzer “Break in at one am once a month and ask why she's not sleeping.”

“You have a key.”

“Oh but that's no fun!” 

“I'll do it.” they became still “I never realized until now, we wouldn't have any of this if I hadn't spilt coffee on her. I'm very lucky in that regard.”

“We're all lucky for that trip.”

As if on cue Cordelia stretched out her arms “You up?” she nodded “Then I think that's our cue to leave.”

“Night Whiz Kid!” Cordelia swung her feet off of the bed.

“Night Doordelia!” 

* * *

 She should have been there, it was foolish of her to pull herself into the false sense of security that he would make it through the night. She had been there first thing in the morning, Cordelia at her side her head held high. She had never wanted to hear the news from a coworker, hell she didn't want to hear it at all, but when the words fell from the mouth of someone she had worked so closely with they seemed disingenuous as if he was just another patient. But he was, to them at least, she was the only doctor here who had spent years with this man. Marvin had stayed, hunched in the waiting room. She had joined him a hand placed on his shoulder.

Minutes passed before she finally spoke, “We can drive you home.” Cordelia had wandered off not wanting to cry in front of so many people.

“I can't.” he shook his head.

“We'll bring you anywhere, I just can't leave you here.” it felt like abandoning her friend in his most desperate time.

“My car is here.”

“You'll get it back, anywhere really.”

He had no place to go “I can't go home.”

“We have the guest room.” no protests were raised “Okay I'll find Cordelia and we'll go.”

Her Girlfriend had found her before Charlotte had even begun to look, a piece of paper clenched in her hand her purse slung around her shoulder.

She couldn't sleep that night, in fact, she couldn't pull herself to do much of anything. She admitted defeat around midnight settling on the fact that if she didn't sleep now she never would. Marvin had taken the couch instead of the guest bed, Cordelia had slept there in his place she cited the fact that there would be less moonlight to stream in. The truth was she was scared to be in the main room, scared that even considering resuming any routine would dull this event. Her friend was still awake propped against the armrest of the tan couch.

“Can't sleep?” he simply shook his head “Me neither.” she took her place next to him, “I think the impossible just happened.”

“I can't process it. I called Mendel I'm banking on the fact I won't have to tell anyone else.”

She shook her head “Cordelia called all of our friends but I think they're more used to it.” the woman had done that on her own accord, it was a task that was done never asked for.

“I was just there and suddenly he wasn't,” the small nuances of death was something Charlotte had never gotten into, the fact that behind every death there was a family to mourn was a concept she avoided “But now I have nowhere to come from and nowhere to go.”

That was a sentiment Charlotte could relate to “Do you have Jason this weekend?”

“I should but I just,” he let a breath out as if he had been holding it for the entire interaction “I'm not the Father he needs right now.”

“I just think he needs any father right now.”

He squinted “Good thing Mendel is there, I don't think I can fathom even functioning anymore.”

“Mendel is nice but he's not his Father,” she placed her hand on his knee “Functioning isn't a choice all the time, even a call would help him.”

It took Marvin two weeks to fully move out of their place, she didn't complain he needed this more than she needed a free guest room. Within that two weeks, nothing seemed to change, no one felt even slightly better they all remained in the limbo between the initial shock and the path to recovery. None of the family wanted to make the climb, the trail seemed like nothing but steep. 

* * *

 But she took the first step. She took Whizzer's instructions the ones he had laid out at the beginning of his stay when the impossible still seemed out of mind. He left everyone a letter, to Jason his camera, to Trina a box that had once belonged to Cordelia, Mendel received books and sweaters that seemed fitting, but for the other three, he left no words this was something that they would have no stronger hand to guide them through. She had dropped the three bags off at the Weisenbachfeld household and didn't check back to see if this was worth the pain. 

* * *

 Two months and three days. She had been counting, a truly stupid decision on her part and she was aware of that but dates had always come so easy to her. Perhaps that was a coping mechanism time was the only distance that could truly be made from this event. It was healthier than drinking, that was a method she had tried many times, but she had a certain jealousy of Cordelia in that regard. Killing a liver seemed so much more ideal than simply being numb. That jealousy was short lived then promptly replaced with worry, killing a liver was ideal but not a concept that held up longer than two months. 

* * *

 She only went to sleep if Charlotte was home now as if facing the dark became a frightening thing, a thing only conquered with her doctor. Charlotte feared what she didn't do during those twelve hours, guilt crept in with that Cordelia was a fully grown woman she could handle herself. But from eight pm to eight am, give or take some minutes, her Girlfriend likely didn't sleep, she likely wasn't attempting to either. Suddenly the dark became stronger than her. 

* * *

 "Are you ever going to read that?" Cordelia slid the envelope across the kitchen island.

"I will, at some point.”

“It was nice, scary to open but nice to read.” she tried to review her letter, Charlotte would like her’s surely. 

* * *

 It was a rare weekend, everyone seemed to be free including Charlotte. The return of a family dinner marched into their life, Cordelia had already gone to the Wesienbachfeld house to help Trina with the meal. Which left Charlotte and Marvin to carpool together, well that was the most sensible option.

The doors slammed behind them and as if he had only begun to remember this fact as the metal door clicked into place “I have Jason this weekend.”

“That should be nice for the both of you.”

“I hope,” he folded his hands “It makes me a little anxious like the first day of school.”

“You'll be fine, the worst here is still pretty decent.” 

* * *

 She waited for Cordelia to fall asleep before she even considered reaching for the envelope, she had ripped it open a week before but hesitated at the sight of the handwriting she had taken for granted for so many years. Sloppy loops where they didn't belong, bubble dotted I’s. But tonight she was sure of one thing, she needed to do one act, read this. It took longer than she had expected to unfold the off tone white sheet but when her hand finally did she was met with that handwriting that laid itself out in deep black.

_Dear Charlotte,_

  
_I’m writing this to you the night after we talked, you make my nights so many times better when you visit. You’re always fun to talk to. We’ve seen each other at our best and at our worst and stayed all the same. That’s the difference between an old friend and a good friend, you’ve always been there for me and you have continued through this whole scene. I know that this illness is bigger than me, but I can rest well knowing that people like you are out there. I cannot pretend to understand you fully, that’s a feat that only Cordelia can obtain, but with full confidence I can say this; You Charlotte Dubois are are the most intelligent and down to earth person, a bitch at times when you need to be, an ally till the end, and a confidant till the end. The kindness you have shown not only me but the countless people you’ve devoted your entire life is a force to be reckoned with. Keep fighting, I know you will._

_Stay good._

_With love,_

_Whiz_

She found herself whispering “Stay good.” into the cool air, a reminder that she needed especially now. In a time where her work lacked any optimism staying good was close to her only option. This fight was far from done and she wouldn’t allow it to remain in the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MMMM love revising.


	6. What Would I Do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin finds no words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got kicked out while writing this chapter for the first time, life is wild. But yeah that's the general vibe of my life. Revisions yay!

Whizzer managed to hang on to what little fight he had left for another fourteen hours, fourteen hours of people passing in and out, their words of encouragement meant so little. They all knew what was coming, no amount of reassurance in his strength could change this ending. People like them never got happy endings.

And as if he had never even been present Whizzer Brown slipped away, lights dimmed, trees fell, and the music stopped. 

* * *

 Charlotte and Cordelia offered their guest room and he accepted the offer, he had nowhere else to go really. Somehow the shiksa had taken the second bed before him, it didn't truly matter he was fine with the couch. Sleep didn't come easy, sleeping would never be his forte sure but this seemed ridiculous. Charlotte apparently had the same issues, he admitted a defeat the moment she spoke.

“Functioning isn't a choice all the time, even a call would help him.”

“It's a talent how you can make it seem like you are always speaking from experience.”

This comment didn't seem to phase the doctor “I am,” she leaned back “Not the parenting end more of the kid end.”

“The kid end?”

“Yup,” she stated this in a tone that implied that he didn't need to hear the rest of what she had to say “May her memory be a blessing was said to me for my entire adolescence, but I had a distant Dad through that and it wasn't exactly easier because of it.” 

* * *

 Cordelia had retrieved a suit for him and Charlotte drove him. The two of them had been a Godsend and only now did he realize that fact. He hadn't asked who had planned the entire memorial, he should have, that was something you gave thanks for.

After the crowd of friends left the it became annoyingly silent, somebody needed to speak god damn it. But nobody did, Charlotte promised to wait for him and Mendel did the same for Trina. Then suddenly there he stood with his ex-wife, she shuffled her feet changed the position of her hands' hundreds of times as if she needed to get fully comfortable.

This silence would only be broken by him but what to say? Joke, give an apology? For what exactly? "Bastard didn't even give me his real name."

"He didn't?" Trina looked up, she pulled at the sleeve of her sweater.

"Nope, an elusive beast was that Whizzer Brown." He rocked on the balls of his feet.

"Beckett," the name pierced his ears "His real name was Beckett." he didn't question how she knew this and didn't care to. He took whatever answers he could get now.

But she left, as he knew she would, and he was left alone to mourn in isolation, a pebble in the wave of life. 

* * *

 Charlotte asked if he needed more time, he did but she couldn’t give it to him. He only got two weeks off of work for a vacation, only now did he wish that those could have been spent on an actual vacation. Something light that could have been easily forgettable, instead he got a morning period, life got to stop for these two weeks but it must be resumed. Afterall functioning was not an option here.  

* * *

 Cordelia had arrived at his door unannounced, she didn’t really need to call but it all seemed so out of the blue. She had settled down on the loveseat and propped herself up with one fist. They remained still the spark of a conversation refused to light.

“So,” Cordelia tried to light a small flame “How have you been?”

“Nothing, working I guess. What about you?”

“The same I suppose.” she crossed her legs “Well what are you going to do?”

“What?”

“Five years from now what are you doing?”

“Are you Mendel?” it seemed like a question he'd ask, of course, he wouldn't have an intention behind it.

“I wish I could have a beard like that,” she stroked her chin “But what are you going to do?”

“Well we can't know what's going to,” he began.

“It's a guessing game of ideals! We don't need to know.” she cut him off.

“I don't know what you want me to say.”

“You are truly not fun.”

“Yeah I know.” she shrugged “What are you going to be doing in five years?”

“I'm going to still be running the catering thing, hopefully, I learn how to actually cook Jewish food.”

“I always assumed you were unaware you couldn't.”

“No I do, but it didn't matter really until he deserved something better.” she put an emphasis on ‘he’ just to make sure Marvin knew exactly who she was talking about.

“This five-year question would be easier if I knew my role.”

The blonde nodded “I wish I were Charlotte right about now, she has something to do.”

“What?”

“She's handling his fake will,” she scratched under her eye “Slowly but she's doing it. That would be nice have something real instead of just existing.”

“I have my work at least.”

“That must be nice.” she hadn't picked up any gigs after that January day. She simply couldn't.  

* * *

 Marvin had forgotten about any will until Charlotte handed him his envelope on a car ride home. He didn't look up to meet her eyes or ask who it was from, he understood that those actions would only burden the woman with even more. 

He made sure Jason was asleep before he opened the letter this was a lonely expedition. The script was too unfamiliar, he had never taken the time to truly learn it to have it be a part of his association with the man.

_Dear Marv,_

_Where do we even begin? I'm so thankful for the past year. I'm so thankful for the family that I've managed to make. I'm so thankful that you're sleeping next to me. That's corny, and it's not close enough to Thanksgiving for anything like that. But if I am going to be honest here I suppose that's not a bad place to start. In your family, I found a calm and also a family of my own, for the first time I belonged to a group of people. But Marvin Allen Fuchs, I fucking love you I think I always will. I have one thing to ask of you, keep living after I'm gone. I'm not asking you to not feel but your life can't stop on my account. You have good people around you Marv and they'll always be there._

_I'm sure of it._

_Forever yours,_

_Whizzer Brown_

This would not be a lonely battle after all. He would not go out screaming in the shadows his screams reaching no ears but his own. Perhaps he simply needed a reminder of what he truly had after what had been taken from the world. 

* * *

Roses. Fucking roses had been laid just below the stone. By who was the only question. He wasn't the only one who had loved him but roses weren't Charlotte's style and Cordelia didn't like the idea of leaving flowers just for them to die. Jason was always a possible candidate, and Whizzer had many other friends. Including Trina, the woman never even crossed his mind. Their lives were so tightly woven in a way he would never truly acknowledge. But for now, the roses remained a mystery, intrigue in a time that deserved more things just like it. Something so small and minor but still distracting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Why is Marvin's last name Fuchs?"  
> It means fox Idk why but I like the idea of Marvin's last name meaning fox. Also it's really close to fucks.  
> Happy 2019!!!! Also yes Marvin's middle name is Allen... It's Bill Finn's middle name only now did that set in


	7. Everything Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia needs to find a new path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a thing T/W suicide mentions

What his parting words were escaped her, she had no memory of that last night with him, if he spoke solely to her, if the night before she had stayed with him, if she has stayed any night that week. She could remember his coffee order, the way he pronounced caramel, but not his smile or the very last words he gave her. It wasn't fair. She wanted his smile, not such trivial information, was that so much to ask? 

* * *

 A letter. Her letter. She had refused it at first she didn't want the burden of the past. No this was a new chapter one that was missing an introduction but would surely have a wonderful ending.

But she happened upon their old apartment, unbeknownst to her it was placed ever so conveniently placed on her walk to the station before she had no real reason to notice it. The green wallpaper was replaced, at least hopefully, but it was still their's. Some part of Whizzer still remained in that one bedroom, avoiding that letter wasn't going to remove the marks he had left upon the soil. Nothing would. And yet all the same her hand lingered just above the eggshell parchment.

Did she really deserve this? She could barely remember his voice, she couldn't read this the way he would have vocalized it, that's not fair to him or to her. Somethings were meant to be read with an author's intent and she struggled to find anything akin the that here.

The placement of her hand over the smooth surface signalled a childlike need for this, this was stupid, wasn't it? She had years with him she didn't need his writing to convince her of anything new. However, this was something to lose herself in.

Her decision was already made.

  
_Delia, Delia, Delia,_

_What the fuck do I say? I feel like we’ve discussed everything possible, we both talked too much. Okay, I will admit it. I love you like a sister. I know I say like a weird kid who I’ve been forced to hang out with at a birthday party but we both know that’s not true. Seventeen fucking years, hanging out with a nerd. If I had been told that in possibly the most boring course possible I would find someone like you I wouldn't have believed it. But here we are, too many years later and you're still not tired of me. Why have we been friends for so long? It’s bizarre when you put words to it; the daughter of a Christian preacher moves to the city and by pure chance gets taken under the wing of an overly-excitable gay man. We should have made a movie or something of the sort. But this isn’t a comedy special if it was I would have told so many more gay jokes by now. But Delia. Thank you for everything. All the fights._

They had only really fought four times, none really stuck out. They mostly consisted of low blows about strained family relationships, Whizzer was always better at arguing than her.

_All the brief moments of happiness you brought me in my worst times._

She wasn't funny. Cordelia was told this by all her siblings and her Father. But yet she could always get Whizzer to laugh

“You tell Dad jokes and I'm a sucker for Dads” he'd joke.

Sitting in the sterile room made Cordelia's skin crawl the smell reminded her of her Grandma, who had never earned an affectionate nickname from her she had never been kind enough to earn one.

"Ya know you look awful." Cordelia smiled.

"Better than you." Whizzer smiled his voice trembled.

"You know that's a lie." She struck a gaudy pose in her chair flaunting her stolen denim jacket, plain t-shirt, and pyjama pants.

This caused Whizzer to chuckle "I mean you madam are the pinnacle of fashion."

_Just every memory I have with you. Everything has been so fucking wonderful. I'm just a 35-year-old schmuck wondering how he lucked out this much?_

He was, in fact, thirty-six when he died. A fact that made the woman take a sharp breath in, he wouldn't even have been classified as middle-aged. He had so much more life to give.

_You came into my life and coloured it with something I could have never found myself. You can go through my shit and take whatever you want, I probably stole some of it from you and you were bound to steal it either way. I hate myself for making this letter so short, I could write novels on everything you've done for me. But I can only leave you with so much. Hang onto who you are, I love you._

_Currently kicking himself for not asking you how to spell your last name,_

_Whiz-kid_

Even with her vision blurred she couldn't help but laugh at that stupid nickname. At least she knew he could still make her laugh.

Maybe this and a nightcap was all she needed to sleep tonight, she didn't need Charlotte tonight did she? 

* * *

 Cordelia hadn't remembered the last time she had seen Marvin, it was maybe a few weeks ago when she checked up on him. Should she go visit? Had she seen anyone besides Charlotte that week? Of course, she wasn't some recluse but she simply couldn't conjure a name.

Her clenched hand landed against Marvin's door without an answer, he was in there she knew it. All she wanted to offer was her help "I have a key if you won't let me in I'll let myself in." she threatened. It was childish even she would admit that but she wouldn't let her friend isolate himself.

Marvin opened the door the woman flinched not expecting the sudden movement.

She had cornered herself on the love seat that was planted against the wall she glanced around the apartment appeared as if Whizzer was living there, his jacket was still hung up waiting for it's owner, his photos were still nailed into the walls, hell it even still smelled of his cologne.

"Have you cleaned anything out?"

Marvin moved his focus from the woman to the wall "No just the things that Charlotte took."

"Can I? I mean he's stolen half of my shit over the years." She tried to lighten the mood to no avail.

Marvin shrugged and slinked lower into his seat "Most of it is in the hallway closet." he gestured in the general direction of the hallway and she followed his hand.

Whizzer had a lot of clothes, no that was an understatement. Whizzer had entirely too many clothes stuffed into one small closet. He had always been a pack rat specifically for anything fabric really. Marvin had moved to join the blonde woman on the hardwood  
hallway floor he mumbled something about almost every piece Cordelia pulled out. She recognized a few items, a gold bracelet for which she had the match, a flannel that she could have sworn was Charlotte's at some point or another, then buried under a coat was a cardboard box inside what looked to be hundreds upon hundreds of photos all varying in size scattered themselves.

“He really fucking kept them.”

“What?” the flimsy cardboard box meant almost nothing to him.

“Our college photos,” she dug a hand in “His really because he took them I guess. But I was there so, that means something “We should go through them, catch you up on good ol’ college Cordelia.” she winked.

“I don't really see why not.” he did, seeing the past of a lover he could never talk about it with seemed cruel, but Cordelia seemed set on the concept and it would at least fill the air and time.

“We should move though, I don't think you've changed this light bulb ever and this floor will murder my back.”

“Yeah, that's fair.”

They had both moved onto the understuffed couch that didn't really seem to fit anything in the rest of this apartment "If there's not one photo of me in here I'm rioting." Cordelia only half-joked.

"What?" Marvin asked his voice conveyed more worry than confusion.

"He took so many photos around me and of me." she began digging through the box "So if there's not one of me that would have been a waste of time." She placed a delicate hand on a photo it caught Marvin's eye the subject was clearly Cordelia her face was the same but she looked too foreign all because of a minuscule difference, her long blonde hair was brunette and cropped just above her shoulders.

"You had brown hair?"

Cordelia squinted "I have brown hair? Did you think I was a natural blonde?"

Marvin shrugged "I guess I never questioned it. Is there a grand and gripping story behind this photo?"

She giggled "I wish! No, I think this was freshman year we barely knew each other but he asked and I didn't say no, so now we have this." Her hands searched through the box again they rested on one of Whizzer his arm in a cast the photo was shaky and clearly not taken by an actual photographer "Oh shit I forgot about this."

"About what?" Marvin asked as Cordelia handed him the photo.

"He broke his arm like senior year climbing a tree which I will neither deny or confirm I bullied him into doing. But that's not the point." Cordelia twirled a strand of hair around her finger.

"Why did you bully him into climbing a tree?"

"He had never climbed a tree, he needed to. That's just basic life shit."

Marvin scoffed "I've never climbed a tree." Cordelia scowled "And I'm not going to."

The woman's ice blue eyes squinted "Were you ever a child?"

Marvin shrugged "Yes, but climbing a tree isn't something every child does." He reached his hand into the box and pulled out a Polaroid picture the moment that was framed painted Cordelia on a fire escape she was facing away from the camera favouring looking out to the city’s array of little flecks of golden light written on the bottom in neat font was 'I love her.' "What's this?" Marvin flashed the photo to Cordelia. Her hand took it holding it gingerly as if she grasped it any tighter it would crumble.

"I'm gonna assume late sixties a few years after I met him." Marvin nodded "We had both convinced ourselves that we could have married and had a family together." Smiled "We dated for two years" she tilted her head to look at the ceiling "Funny to think that if he hadn't broken up with me and I didn't immediately say that I was gay we would have a kid." She shuddered "Little Cordelias and Whizzers, awful." Mumbled. She stalled for a second on that analysis, perhaps little Whizzers were preferable to none of them.

_Whizzer knew he shouldn't have been drinking as much as he was but it wasn't like he was driving. Cordelia had followed behind him for a majority of the party looking at her made his stomach hook around itself. But she deserved so much more than him, a nice husband who wasn't convinced he could never even begin to love her, she didn't deserve to be trailed along. No that was incorrect Whizzer could love her he knew that he could, but should he?_

_"Whiz!" Cordelia attempted to catch Whizzer's attention her voice rang above the loud music he blinked looking at the woman._

_"Yeah?" He didn't have to raise his voice quite as much._

_"Do you wanna go sit outside?" Whizzer nodded following the blonde woman out onto the stoop. They sat together silent both staring at the purple sky, as a kid he had always adored these nights the ones where you could make out the clouds. But now none of_ it's _brilliance seemed to hit him at that moment._

_"I don't love you," Whizzer whispered to himself as he tried to gather the courage to say it louder, he could never do that._

_“What did you say?” he didn't anticipate her hearing his admission._

_He managed to get out "I don't love you." He expected the girl to be heartbroken after two years who wouldn't be? Instead, she laughed, with her full body too, this wasn't out of shock but from humour._

_"I don't love you either." Before he knew it he was also laughing it lasted for a lifetime before Cordelia was first to withdraw "Do you promise not to hate me?"_

_Whizzer laughed "I mean I was playing the same game why would I?"_

_"No I mean I'm about to say something and I'm asking you to not hate me."_

_"I promise not to hate you." Whizzer rolled his eyes._

_Cordelia breathed out "I think I'm queer." She stated flatly the words didn't fully go through Whizzer mind._

_"I'm sorry what?"_

_"I think I like women.” she paused her eyes displayed nothing but a worry that didn't match the face Whizzer had learned “Look if you want to stop being my friend I understand. But can you just keep this secret for me?"_

_"I will.” his eyes steadied “But there is something you should know?”_

_“What?”_

_“I'm a homo.” Cordelia breathing stopped short. The brunette was unsure if he should laugh or talk about this in depth he didn't think before he talked again "Looks like we've been leading each other on."_

_Cordelia giggled "What are the odds?" Whizzer shrugged "Should we go back in?"_

_“No,” she leaned against the smooth leather fabric of his jacket “It's getting late.”_

_“I have one subway token left.”_

_“Then one of us is jumping, it's not me.” she flared out her heel._

"You guys dated for two years?" Marvin's eyebrows lifted.

"Yeah. It wasn't really dating, I mean I only kissed him in public. I also knitted him a sweater really hoping that would break us up.” that was the only housewife's tale Cordelia trusted in "Either way you can't judge me you were married to Trina for like eight years."

"Ten." Marvin corrected.

"But yeah I think we only dated because he was there." Cordelia looked up at Marvin "There was really nothing there. We're great friends but beyond that, it's really just awkward." she quickly grabbed another photo she almost went to put it back but Marvin had already seen it.

"Is that a hospital?" Cordelia nodded “Is that because of the broken arm.”

“No, he either got beat up or something happened in a raid." Her eyes went glassy, so Marvin didn't press any further.

  
_She had warned him, but he didn't listen. This was preventable, wasn't it? He didn't have to go to that club, at least not tonight. She was aware that this was a minor hiccup he would be fine if not then just bruised tomorrow, but the worry still slipped into her hand. There would be other nights, other clubs, less kind people, no phone call, and no convenient Christmas check for bail._

_This wasn't his fault, of course, but at some point, there was a line that he had to draw between himself and this life. She also had to draw that line, they couldn't be like this forever._

Cordelia chucked the photo back into the box not wanting to think of that cold night anymore.

“Can I pick one?”

“Nothing’s stopping you.” Cordelia propped her face against her jeans.

His hand quickly picked up one of Cordelia and another girl almost the spitting image of her except for her dark brown eyes and hair, on the back in looping letters ‘Cordelia and Mary: Tennessee 1970’ was spelt out. Marvin placed the photo in Cordelia’s hand.

“Is that your sister?” Marvin was sure of the answer.

“Yeah, Mary, she’s a year younger than me.” Cordelia’s voice lightened up “She’s the only one who bothers to send a Christmas card anymore.”

“What’s the rest of your family like?”

Setting down the photo Cordelia twisted her head to look at Marvin “Super southern, super Christian, so I have three brothers and four sisters. I saw them last summer with my ‘Best Friend’ Charlotte. I think they still think Whizzer and I are engaged.” Her voice cracked “But we're boring, what’s your family like?” she moved her head to look at him.

“Nice? I guess. They were both lawyers.” Marvin shrugged “You’d figure being an only child would mean I was close to them? But apparently not. They're in Florida now, still send Trina cards for her birthday. Not me though.”

“They really picked a side in that divorce.” she tried to make light of that truly awkward and awful situation.

“They really didn't need to.”

Cordelia reached for the box again and pulled out another photo. It was one of herself sitting in front of a canvas her hair was pulled into a messy bun her face was focused and the light was low it was a perfect candid of an artist. “This was completely and utterly staged.” she stated flatly as she put it back in the box “Like half of the art students thought I painted.” she laughed quietly at the memory.

“What did you go to school for?” Marvin had been wondering for the past hour or so.

“Teaching.” It fit her, Marvin imagined her in a long dress in front of a room of 5th graders a book in her hand as she read out loud.

“Why aren’t you teaching?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t really want to teach in the first place. But my Mom wanted me to so here we are.” she threw up her hands.

“I know how that feels.” Marvin agreed as he reached towards the box he picked the first photo he found of that bore the image of Charlotte; she and Cordelia sat in front of a light blue booth “Recognize this?”

“Yeah, she was working on her M.D, I don’t think she slept at all during those three years.”

_"You look awful,” Whizzer stated casually sipping from his mug._

_“So do you.” Charlotte deadpanned._

_“I do not!”_

_“You don’t look as good as you usually do.” Charlotte stated flatly “I mean like you’re wearing a t-shirt are you okay?”_

_“I came directly from another thing,” he danced around actually saying where he actually was “But also can a man not be casual?” He rolled his eyes._

_“Whizzer Brown and casual do not fit.” Cordelia took Charlotte’s side._

_“Thank you!” Charlotte’s voice rose to be close to a scream._

_“You two need to get a room.” Whizzer punctuated the statement with another sip of his coffee._

_“I mean if you’ll pay for it.” Charlotte joked._

_“You are both awful.”_

  
“Whizzer wanted us to get together since like day one.” Cordelia over gestured with her hands.

“How is Charlotte I haven’t seen her in like two months.” he wasn't sure if that was an exaggeration or not.

“To be honest.” Cordelia looked up at the man “I don't think she's doing well, I mean I barely see her now but when I do she’s just off. Like she’s not really there.” Marvin hummed not really knowing what to say “But how have you been?” she quickly diverted the attention from her girlfriend.

The man shuffled his thin hands “I’m fine?”.

Cordelia twisted her head around “Is that really the truth?” she was tired of lying to keep up this facade.

“No.” he breathed out “I guess that,” he put his tongue to the top of his mouth “Everything is just happening and I’m not really part of it. Like I’m just dreaming and at some point, I’ll wake up next to him.” tears threatened to streak Marvin’s face.

“Yeah. It really hasn't hit me yet, I don't know what I'll do when it does.” Cordelia agreed the two mourners sat in the apartment the air became thin, the time of looking at photos seemed to have ended memory’s now seemed too painful to reach for “Charlotte should be home soon,”

“Oh, do you want the wine?” Marvin’s voice was shaky.

“No, it’s fine.” She stood up brushing herself off “Have a good night.”

“You too.”

Cordelia had lied Charlotte wouldn’t be home for another three hours she just couldn’t stand the static silence of the atmosphere they had built. She should've just lied earlier said that Charlotte was doing better, not pressed further when Marvin had said he was doing well. Then she would still be there laughing over a stupid memory. Instead, she resigned herself to a night on the living room floor, her back arched against the shag rug, her eyes focused on the darkness that she could find no interest in but all the same, she refused to break away from it.

“You coming to sleep?” She asked as she put down her bag.

“I,” she didn't finish that thought, another sleepless night got very little accomplished and even more always felt like emotional labour, “I think I'll stay down here, my back has been hurting and Marvin said this would help.” that was true but not her real reason for staying down.

“You sure? It can’t be that comfortable down there.” why did she feel so guilty after that? Charlotte wasn't disappointed in this options, so then why did she fill that vacancy?

“We have good rug taste what can I say?” Cordelia sat up to plant a kiss on Charlotte’s lips.

She didn't let herself cry that night, it seemed so bitter in her mouth the idea of crying on a night like this. One of the better nights, a night where she could have slept so easily, one where she could get out his name and think of the man who it actually belonged to. Crying tonight would be wrong. It had been so nice for those couple of hours, why take away from that? 

* * *

 The phone cried out, strange it was mid-day nobody called then, if they did in the past she would have almost never answered. But these days there was no way to gauge the importance of a simple call, her hand had picked up the olive receiver and held it firmly to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Oh hey Cordelia,” she recognized the voice high and sweet like a linnet bird “It’s Jason!” The young boy greeted.

“Hey, Jason!” Cordelia laughed slightly nothing funny had been said she just found herself needing to do that “What have you been up to.”

“Things.”

“What kind of things?” She knew the answer was nondescript for a reason but she couldn’t help but ask.

“Well like taking pictures.” he really was a mini Whizzer, wasn’t he? “Nothing has really been going on since ya know.” He paused “But what have you been doing?”

“Oh well you know cooking just existing.” she didn’t come up with a proper answer before speaking.

“Yeah?” It was clear that they didn’t have anything to talk about “That’s nice.”

“Well I guess I have a question.” you could practically hear the kid perk up “Why are you calling?”

“Well Mendel said that I should talk to somebody who isn’t in the house and I don’t have Michael's number.” The boy said his friend’s name as if Cordelia would recognize it.

  
“Oh well, do you want to talk?” Cordelia offered a way out of this entirely too awkward conversation.

The boy was silent for a few seconds “I guess.”

“‘Bout what?”

“Life?”

“I’m going to warn you now I’m not deep or philosophical so this is probably going to be one-sided.”

“That’s fine.” He paused “What do you think it’s all about?”

“I told you I’m not deep. I guess live through it all and hope that you feel happy as much as you can. It’s really just whatever meaning you put to it.”

“That’s,” his voice heightened “Not that comforting.” Jason’s voice showed some surprise.

“Yeah well, I guess that’s life.” She paused she shouldn’t be saying this to a kid “But like pursue your dreams or something.” He laughed at this it was nice to know that he could at least fake a laugh for her, “I hope any other questions you have aren’t so abstract.”

“I have one that isn’t!” he beamed “Did you really know Whizzer in college.”

“Yeah, I mean I knew him after too.”

“Do you have any stories?” The boy's tone showed a profound form of desperateness it made Cordelia’s heart sink “I mean you don’t have to tell any it’s really,”

“No kid it’s fine do you want like serious stories?” she cut him off.

“Just anything really.”

“Well, I do remember him trying to take me sledding then giving up when he discovered that the lid of a trash can wasn’t adequate.” Jason laughed a warm feeling formed in Cordelia’s chest something that she hadn’t felt in quite a few months. Happiness not the bittersweet kind but a glee that wasn’t too profound it just existed. Jason asked for just one more story and she was happy to supply it. 

* * *

 "I'm here to go through Whizzer's shit," Cordelia stated bluntly over her cardboard box.

The man hesitated before he spoke, "Be my guest." Marvin motioned into the apartment it was immaculate as if Marvin hadn't been living there. Why had it stayed this way? Why didn’t he just let it lose the colours of his past?

There was no rulebook for this, nothing she could reference for what exactly to take if her life were a film perhaps she would have taken something small that she could find meaning in. But she found herself needing something from their shared past.

She had been shoulder deep in a box of jeans looking for the denim jacket that Whizzer had the audacity to steal back when Marvin left for a phone call. His face was completely white when he returned. She would remember the moment to come for a lifetime.

"Trina's in the hospital." Marvin took in a shallow breath.

"What?"

"Trina is in the hospital. That was Mendel calling to ask if Jason could stay the night."

She knew the answer he had given already "Are we going to pick him up." Marvin nodded a response.

The drive to the Weisenbachfeld house was a short and silent twenty minutes. Marvin went to the door to collect Jason, Mendel met him at the door sculpted in the golden lights that flowed from inside the house. Jason slid past both of them and made it to the car a bag in hand she had no words to give him and she could make no promises on for his life.

“Hey, Jason.”

"Hey Cor." he looked at his feet.

Marvin went to bed early that night which left Cordelia and Jason alone on the couch both pretending to watch a TV show.

"Is it me?" Jason broke the silence.

"What?"

"Am I the one causing all of this?" Jason shuffled his feet "First Whizzer, now Mom, and probably Dad next."

"No." Cordelia said her hands picked at her jeans pocket "Sometimes shitty things happen for no reason."

"That's not fair."

"Kid it's not. You shouldn't have to deal with any of this." for a moment she wished she could have just promised his mother’s health.

"Yeah?" his voice was a vibrato of pain.

"Yeah." Cordelia wrapped her arm around her arm as Jason's warm tears stained her shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I had dignity? But yeah things are f u n internalized homophobia babes


	8. Perfect, Finite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason loses control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to update this one

School skipped by without much significance. Subjects he had once found himself infatuated with seemed bland and unnecessary, his grades were slipping much to his teachers’ confusion. It was after the third D- in a row that finally caught his English teacher’s acknowledgement.

“Fuchs meet with me after class.” a chill went down Jason’s spin he couldn’t be in trouble it wasn’t like he’d done anything all that awful in the past few months, he hadn’t done much of anything in the past few months at that. For the remaining fifteen minutes of class, he couldn’t focus on anything other than his impending doom. When class finally ended Jason sat still in his seat as kids passed him Heather Levin shot him a sympathetic glance. When the classroom was finally empty the older man motioned for Jason to come stand next to his desk.

“Fuchs, I can ignore one bad grade from you but three?” Jason looked at his feet shifting uncomfortably. “First you miss an entire month now you’re failing? Is everything okay?” Jason locked eyes with the man, why should he care? Why should Jason even consider telling him? He’s a teacher not a psychiatrist, not even a friend, no he was a teacher he shouldn’t care about Jason’s life.

Jason’s mouth moved before he could find a way to silence himself “My Dad died.” he felt tear prick his eyes. He didn’t wait for the man’s response he simply slung his bag over his shoulder and walked out.

“What was that about?” Heather Levin had sat next to him on the bus determined to learn what the after class meeting had contained.

“Oh. He just wanted to talk about revising my paper.” He lied, Heather was sold on this easily. 

* * *

 Family dinners were becoming more and more sparse in the Weisenbachfeld household, between Mendel’s work and Jason’s refusal of attendance the three residents of the house being in the same room was a rarity. That mixed in the fact that most dinners ending up going south no one was too eager to participate in one.

But tonight his Mother had somehow convinced everyone to meet, they were a family after all. But Mendel decided to pitch the idea of calling someone and he couldn't help but fight that.

“You’re not my psychiatrist anymore Mendel.” Jason’s voice was raised to just below a shout.

“Look I’m just saying maybe you should talk to someone outside of the house?” Mendel responded calmly. He did he went to school, it was nearly impossible to not speak to anyone during those seven hours.

But he didn't owe that response no reply was needed to be offered here “I’ll call Cordelia.” She seemed like an easy way out two minutes on the phone with his Godmother seemed better than a screaming match.

Trina gave him a soft look “Thank you.” 

Jason had put off calling Cordelia for a few weeks it wasn’t like Mendel would notice. But he did, because of fucking course, he would. It was sometime between history and science that Jason decided to swallow his pride and finally call the woman. She had written her number on the back of Jason’s math notebook on one of the night’s he had spent there during Whizzer's hospital stay “Just in case you need it!” she captioned it with a smiley face and ‘Delia.’

He dialled it into the kitchen phone it rung for a minute he was close to giving up and just lying to Mendel when she picked up.

Jason wasn’t sure what to say so he let the line go silent “Hello?” Cordelia finally spoke up.

“Oh hey Cordelia, it’s Jason.”

“Hey, Jason!” The woman laughed nervously “What have you been doing?”

“Things.” He was hoping the woman wouldn’t press further but unfortunately, she did.

“What kind of things?”

“What kind of things?” She knew the answer was nondescript for a reason but she couldn’t help but ask.

“Well like taking pictures.” he really was a mini Whizzer, wasn’t he? “Nothing has really been going on since ya know.” He paused “But what have you been doing?”

“Oh well you know cooking just existing.” she didn’t come up with a proper answer before speaking.

“Yeah?” It was clear that they didn’t have anything to talk about “That’s nice.”

“Well I guess I have a question.” you could practically hear the kid perk up “Why are you calling?”

“Well Mendel said that I should talk to somebody who isn’t in the house and I don’t have Michael's number.” The boy said his friend’s name as if Cordelia would recognize it.

  
“Oh well, do you want to talk?”

For reasons not even known to him he did not accept her invitation out “I guess.”

“‘Bout what?” she popped the ‘b’.

“Life?”

“I’m going to warn you now I’m not deep or philosophical so this is probably going to be one-sided.” she laughed.

“That’s fine.” He paused “What do you think it’s all about?”

“I told you I’m not deep. I guess live through it all and hope that you feel happy as much as you can. It’s really just whatever meaning you put to it.”

“That’s,” his voice heightened “Not that comforting.”

“Yeah well, I guess that’s life.” She paused she shouldn’t be saying this to a kid “But like pursue your dreams or something.” He laughed at this it was nice to know that he could at least fake a laugh for her, “I hope any other questions you have aren’t so abstract.”

“I have one that isn’t!” he beamed “Did you really know Whizzer in college.”

“Yeah, I mean I knew him after too.”

“Do you have any stories?” The boy's tone showed a profound form of desperateness it made Cordelia’s heart sink “I mean you don’t have to tell any it’s really,”

“No kid it’s fine do you want like serious stories?” she cut him off.

“Just anything really.”

“Well, I do remember him trying to take me sledging then giving up when he discovered that the lid of a trash can wasn’t adequate.” Jason laughed filling in the gaps of Whizzer's life was an activity he could grow accustomed to. 

* * *

 Everything was supposed to be normal, it wouldn’t be the same but it was supposed to be living again. But of course Jason couldn’t have that, no he couldn’t be just another kid again. He knew his mother had been off ever since his father had gotten back with Whizzer but it had only seemed to worsen since. Jason had been reading when he heard the deafening sirens of an ambulance, that was normal enough he only realized when the white vehicle pulled into to the driveway. Their driveway. Jason opened his door ready to ask his mother why exactly an ambulance had arrived at their house when as if on cue Mendel ran down the hallway his wife scooped in his arms. She didn't look like his wife though, she was pale to an alarming point you could almost make out every vein that had laid themselves upon her body. He didn't get a good look everything had sped up at that moment. He didn't want a good look what he had seen already was excessive.

He didn’t bother to close his door he simply sat on his bed the lump in his throat tying a tight band around his lungs. The ambulance left the sloped concrete and the band was tailored to be ever so tighter. The anticipation for Mendel to appear at his doorway was too much, he didn't want this conversation.

“Jason?” His voice shook.

“What happened?” Jason cut through whatever Mendel had planned to say.

Mendel fell silent his eyes focused on the boy “I,” he looked off shaking his head “Your Mom had an accident.” that rang untrue almost immediately.

“Was it an accident?” Jason knew the answer.

Mendel shook his head, a moment of honesty that was undesired “Do you want to stay with your father tonight or do you want to come with me to wait?”

“I want to stay with Marvin.”

“Okay.” Mendel turned on his heel.

Jason didn’t pack a bag, he didn’t prepare himself in any way for his indefinite stay with his father. Almost too soon his father was at the door he ran downstairs only to find two fathers talking just by the door. He couldn’t quite focus on their words they seemed jumbled as if it was a language closely related to English but not quite. Jason pushed through walking to the car he opened the back to be greeted by Cordelia she gave a fake smile.

That night his father went to bed early and he sat with Cordelia on the couch he attempted to watch the show she had put on.

Time is odd at night; minutes could pass or hours and it would all seem the same. Without a clock as an indicator, you would be left clueless to an exact hour. In a sea of indefinite time there was nothing to hold him back, the next morning seemed like hours away, no words at such a late time truly mattered.

"Is it me?" the words the felt almost wrong, but he knew they were right. In some capacity, he had caused all of this unknowingly.

"What?" the woman’s voice wasn’t hushed like he had expected it to be.

"Am I the one causing all of this?" Jason paused thinking "First Whizzer, now Mom, and probably Dad next." he wasn’t stupid he knew his father would be gone before his time.

"No." Sometimes shitty things happen for no reason." That shouldn’t be true, but Jason knew it was he knew that the woman meant no malice behind her words.

"That's not fair." was all he could conjure.

"Kid it's not. You shouldn't have to deal with all this shit." He wished he could agree but that wasn’t true because all of this traced back to him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." The woman wrapped her arm around his shoulder pulling him in and at that moment Jason could do nothing but cry.

Mendel was there the next day to pick him up. The car ride home was strange and silent as if they were strangers linked only by the common thread of a friend.

“How is she?” Jason needed that at least, the rest of the car ride could go back to the awkward silence he just desired only that.

“Better.” Mendel’s word showed some uncertainty a fact that Jason decided to ignore.

“Can I visit her?”

“Maybe sometime next week.” that next week never happened. Jason didn't press for that visit there was a reason he didn't receive it. It turned out that the next week was, in fact, three weeks. 

Just for a second Jason thought in a normal life Jason wouldn’t have to visit his mother in the hospital, he wouldn’t be happy to have the chance to visit her. But this is a normal world instead Jason thought about what he would talk to her about.

He felt anxious all day and almost giddy for the visit. He had walked to the buses with Michael and Heather after school as he went to turn to walk to the car pick up.

“Where are you going?” Heather tapped the boy’s shoulder.

“Oh, my Dad is picking me up we’re going to the hospital.” Jason slipped he forgot he hadn’t told anyone about his mother, this moment of vulnerability.

“Say hi to Whizzer for me!” Michael waved to the boy as he walked across the large field. It made him pause for just a second his stomach sinking and his chest tightening he faked a smile as he turned around.

“Me too!” Heather called

“I will!”

Visiting the hospital had become a second language to Jason. The hallways were easy to navigate, the fluorescent lights didn't bother his eyes, and most of the nurses already knew him. But this seemed different, for one he wasn’t carrying his chess board he had long since thrown it out, Charlotte wasn’t there to walk with him to the room, and of course, Whizzer wouldn’t be there waiting for him. Mendel took Charlotte's place today and walked him to his Mother’s room. The door was opened Jason was prepared to walk in but found himself stuck to the linoleum Mendel was unaware of the boy’s stillness.

“Mendel!” Jason heard his mother call she sounded genuinely happy? A tone that Jason hadn’t heard in many months. His legs became looser and started to pick up again and with much persistence, he finally entered. She was lying on a bed her arms wrapped around Mendel she lifted her head to look at the boy.

“Jason!” She simply called his name but that was enough it was enough for him to forget anything he had been thinking of, he simply shuffled into her arms. He ignored the heavy bandages, the beep of a heart monitor, her unfamiliar clothing. He needed to overlook those small facts not wanting to think of his mother in any way other than the woman who was so happy just to be with him. That was enough for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna check this! Have a good night y'all!


	9. She Enjoys the Noise of a Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trina stumbles her way through her days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all trigger warning for suicide. Second of all aaaaaaaaa revisions January 14th

Trina’s days had been found empty in the past months, she had found ways to keep busy for the most part. But visitors were not common so the sound of the doorbell caught her by surprise. She opened the heavy wood door to reveal the tall and welcomed figure of Cordelia.

“Hello!” Trina greeted her voice sounded less inviting and more confused.

The woman’s hands tightened around the brightly coloured Tupperware that she held just at her hip “Hey! I know that it’s kinda weird but I know Mendel’s birthday is coming up so I figured I’d bring something!” The woman’s voice was warmer than Trina remembered the slight southern drawl made her seem so homey, she passed the Tupperware to Trina still smiling.

“Do you want to come in?” Trina inviting silently wishing that the woman would say yes.

“Oh, I actually need to run a few errands but maybe sometime next week?” The woman was already backing out.

“Okay, I’ll call?” Cordelia gave a thumbs up and Trina waved as she shut the door.

Trina didn’t realize until hours later that she hadn’t asked the woman exactly what she had baked, she removed the white opaque top to reveal frosted cookies in the shape of sweaters she laughed to herself it was such a ridiculous and somewhat heartfelt thing to make.

Cordelia was coming over at three she could make it until three. Right? It was already ten so three wasn’t too much of a stretch. Sure. She had already gotten ready it wasn’t too difficult really, Mendel actually took longer getting ready than her. The house had already been cleaned. When had she done that? Last week maybe just after Cordelia had left. She had eaten already, at seven with Mendel and Jason. Maybe she could visit Whizzer, except after that she’s never in her state of melancholy after her brief visits to him, plus she believed Marvin had started to notice the roses that was the excuse for this week at least. So she simply waited, considered reading or maybe baking something but she never quite caught to it. Not soon enough it was three Trina was only alerted to this by the loud ring of the grandfather clock Mendel had insisted was some family heirloom, ticks plastered themselves to the walls of the room as Trina continued to wait for the other woman. She was near not noticing the ring of the doorbell as it blended in so well with the clock’s noise. Composing herself into a smile she walked to the door opening it to reveal the frame of the near-stranger she had made plans with.

They had sat together sipping tea and making small talk Trina never disliked Cordelia but they had never been close and she had assumed they would never be close until now.

“Oh, Mendel says that he liked the cookies and thank you.”

Cordelia chuckled looking into the mug “I thought they were a little overboard” she shrugged “But they turned out well.” subjects flew by without much attention paid to each one “Do you have any wedding photos of you and Mendel?” Cordelia’s eyes traced the frames hung that along the dining room walls.

“Oh yeah!” She stood up taking a photo off of the top of a murky brown piano she handed it to Cordelia framed in gold was what she assumed was their first dance Trina was dressed in a long white gown with lace sleeves her hair fell softly to just the top of her back one of Mendel’s hands was laced with her’s, he was partially blocked by the woman he was seen just enough to make out his facial expression it was a soft genuine almost naive love as if they were high school sweethearts with their only worries for the future being the SAT’s.

“He looks so happy” was the only thing that Cordelia could think of “You both look so happy.” she elaborated.

“He was like a dog with two tails for that entire month.” Trina smiled.

“Odd.” Cordelia tilted her head causing her blonde curls the bounce slightly “I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that?” she quietly made note of the phrase since she did find it fun.

“Maybe it’s a Jersey thing.”

“You’re from Jersey?” Cordelia wouldn’t have doubted it for anyone else but she had always assumed Trina came from some odd and eccentric family who based themselves in the mountains of Oregon.

“Yeah Bayonne.” Trina took a sip of her tea “It has the crime of New York but with the famous Jersey accents.”

“Lucky you didn’t pick one up.” Cordelia subconsciously made her accent stronger.

“I did have one until maybe seventeen when I just dropped it after moving.”

“Why did you move to the city?” Cordelia hadn’t really thought about it much until now.

“I’m not really sure why it just felt right.” She lifted one of her hands “And if it led to all of this God must have been onto something.” it was a partial lie, life was good but not happy the two weren’t mutual “Why did you move? You’re from Tennessee right?”

Cordelia was slightly shocked that she knew that fact “Well I moved up to go to college” she folded her arms placing them in front of her body “Plus if I stayed in the south for any longer I would have probably found a way to burn the entire state.” Trina chuckled lightly.

But conversation ran dry and Cordelia took off leaving Trina to survive another two hours alone. 

* * *

 Mendel wouldn’t be home for a few more hours and Jason had already gone to bed early which meant that she would have a perfect window of time just enough time for once. It was selfish of her for minutes she considered just staying for one more day just to make it through twenty-four hours. But she couldn’t, the game of making it through ten minutes or a week wasn’t enough anymore because it wasn’t living it was simply a repetitive existence. Did she need to leave a note? It seemed appropriate but not necessary. Jason doesn’t need another dead parent letter and Mendel already knew why she would have done it. Valium was all that came to her mind, she hadn't touched it at all but it would surely get something done even if that was just a deep sleep that would be enough until the next perfect window. She didn't read the bottle opting to simply take whatever poured into her hand. Twelve perfectly split down the middle of her palm into two groups of six. Swallowing twelve pills wasn’t a task she had expected herself to be struggling with hell even dealing with any of this at all but funnily enough here she was. If it wasn’t enough at least she had her second plan. She had retrieved a kitchen knife through her doubled vision and blurry head it traced its way down her arm the familiar crimson colour pricked itself through. Then her task was done, she didn't have time to think of Mendel finding her pale and lifeless folded into herself in the bathtub. Laying down she waited for the worst until she finally slipped into darkness. The emptiness of her new space was lost on her it all seemed so manufactured as if she could slip out of this at any moment. She hated it even in death she couldn’t hold onto a ledge there wasn’t a permanence to her.

There was nothing of the afterlife that she had to base this from, no heaven or hell, no verdict only the judgement. So if this was it she could be okay with it.

Beeping. The same repetitive beeping that she had become so accustomed to. She almost didn’t fully understand that this wasn’t the afterlife no she had survived again when she finally came to this conclusion it was guilt-inducing she had put Mendel through this again for what? To not be successful for him to have the haunting reminder that she could have done this? That he could never steady her? He deserved better than her. And Jason, Jason wasn’t stupid no matter how much Mendel could have tried to deny it he would know what she had done. The strength to open her eyes had vanished replaced with her comfort in the void. Hours passed she was sure of that even in the dark she could easily track time. The subtle creek of the swing of the door signified someone’s presence hopefully a nurse and not Mendel or god forbid Jason. Luck would never be on Trina’s side the visitor was, unfortunately, Mendel; the newest addition to room 117. He didn’t attempt to speak or even touch her they simply existed together in a strange harmony.

Mendel had stayed with her the next morning she didn't have any words so she kept her eyes shut acting like she was asleep. She could almost fall back into a void but her body never relaxed.

“I'm sorry.” was all she could manage to mumble, that was so small her actions deserved more than just a stupid sorry. When it pulled itself into the air it brought back so little meaning.

He simply rubbed her hand “I need to know things like this, you shouldn't go through this alone.” she didn't want to burden him with this.

“I'm sorry.” her words were dull.

“I love you Trin, I always will.” 

* * *

 She never liked the idea of relying on another person, having someone take your steps with you, each breath being not yours alone but having its majesty shared with another person. She would have handled this by herself if it weren't for that one night that deserved to be treated as an isolated event. But now she had to worry Mendel with this thing, whatever it was, that wasn't his job he hadn't signed up for that by marrying her and yet he didn't seem to mind it. He should have, at least she expected him to. 

* * *

 “Jason wants to visit you.” Mendel leaned back into the uncomfortable fabric of the cheaply made chair.

“Really?” Trina had assumed that in a weird way Jason had moved on from her and in another way she had hoped that he would. She wasn't much of a Mother, not the one he deserved.

“Yeah. Is that okay?” the psychiatrist fiddled with his hands lacing his fingers together.

“It’s more than okay.”

“I’ll bring him tomorrow?” Mendel extended the last word until Trina nodded “Ya know what’s funny?”

“What?”

“Even after three years of marriage my heart still skips a beat everytime I see you.” He beamed.

“Me too.” She quietly laughed.

Trina knew that Jason was coming and yet it didn’t fully hit her until the boy had shuffled his way into her arms. The bandages brushed against the red cotton blend of Jason’s hoodie that small thing made Trina’s heart to sink he didn’t need this, no one around her deserved this and yet she was selfish enough to attempt what? Taking what little she had away from herself? Taking what little she gave away from others? Jason pulled away looking down at his feet and for the first time in what seemed like years, she gave a genuine smile. She wasn't the Mother he needed but she was still his Mother. Perhaps before it was too late she could become the one he deserved. 

* * *

 Cordelia had sat in the same chair Mendel had planted himself in for the past two weeks the lanky woman looked out of place like a tourist in her own city. Mendel had only left for the day to go to his sister in law was having a baby shower, and for the first time, Trina wished to see his family.

“Ya know I don’t need company all the time,” Trina spoke out of the silence breaking Cordelia’s gaze from some magazine she had been pretending to read. She couldn't focus on the page long enough to truly read an article.

The words rang through Cordelia’s head, words Whizzer had said so many times words that she had turned down “Don’t be silly I want to be here!”

“Weird but hey to each their own.” Trina shrugged her chestnut hair pushed up with the wool of her sweater.

Cordelia swung her feet back and forth “Ya know I’ve always wondered..” her sapphire eyes traced around the bland ceiling.

“What?” Trina attempted to bring the woman’s question back on track.

“Who in this group really knows how to sing?” her eyes squinted.

“Well,” Trina tried to recall Marvin ever singing, she drew a blank “Mendel’s pretty good.” the man often sang to himself or Trina songs that she could never place but ones she could always enjoy.

“Charlotte can’t sing.” Cordelia laughed as she looked out the hallway, for as much as she loved her voice it lacked a certain tone “She says I can but I’m sceptical.”

“I can be a judge?” Trina did like to hear people sing in another life, she told herself, she would be a choir teacher.

“I mean we don’t have anything else?” Trina nodded. The woman’s voice rang through the echoey room carrying some Carole King song, it was sweet almost airy bell-like.

She finished smiling “Well that extends the list to you and Mendel.”

“You're too kind.” she crossed her legs. 

* * *

 For one month she had sat in the too sanitary tiled room. One month of visitors phasing in and out. One month of Trina feeling alone even in other’s company and suddenly she was let free pushed from the nest to fly back the air in the hopes that she could fly again. The house was in the exact condition that she had remembered it spare for a few shoes in the entryway but still seemingly untouched.

“Jason’s at Marvin’s for the rest of the week.” Trina thought it was odd wasn’t it only Thursday he should be here right? Did the schedule change without her? That was fair.

“Oh.” she hung her bag on the gold hook planted into the beige drywall “Well I can’t wait to see him.” 

* * *

 It was relieving to have someone to lay with again, his arm around her chest was a step toward freedom, him laying next to her was the closest thing to the truth she would get. If there was any way to assure someone's love it would be the last month. 

Sleep had never and would never come especially easy to Trina but now it seemed especially rough she had barely slept in the past few months actually. Mendel had noticed he had made tea in a sweet but flunked attempt to help. God every time he did something like that Trina almost cried, small and genuine moments of love something that she had tried to do so many times but it never seemed to carry the same song it always seemed to be a weird call from a broken woman for a man to love her? Maybe that was just her? Perhaps that was the irony of her situation only she could see just how broken she truly was. Mendel would come close but he would always be more hopeful than was appropriate. Her foundation was cracked, she could never build a safe place again.

The morning came and it was time for her to pretend that she had slept that she would be produced that day. She was a brilliant actor in that regard, too convincing of this obvious lie. Mendel claimed he wanted to know what was going through her head but she could never let that out. Things like that belonged to her and her alone. Some things just weren’t meant to be shared and whatever this was clearly checked that box.

He needed an apology not this piece of her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coolcoolcoolcoolnodoubt also 69 kudos haha funny sex number


	10. Built for Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mendel tries to survive the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took too long

Another patient slipped through the cracks. Gone. Stories that could only be told honestly when performed with their voice would no longer fill the empty space of a room. Stories that he had never heard but all the same longed for them with a certain kind of homesickness.

“I feel like I should be doing something more than just sitting a watching them just watching them slip past.” at this point Mendel had begun to move his hands with little regard to if it synced with his words in any way.

“Well, what’s stopping you?” Trina was leaned against the door frame “You could probably help at the hospital, they’ll need someone to talk to and god knows the staff isn’t going to.” Trina said this as if it was a fact she could live with. She was always the angriest when nurses simply skipped Whizzer's room for meals or when anyone shot the wrong look when Jason was brought into the room.

Mendel had saved Cordelia’s number from the phone call she had made what must have been over a year ago just to introduce herself. They had been strangers less than two years ago, now they seemed so quietly linked. He wasn't sure of Charlotte or her schedule but six was a safe time to call, right?

The dial tone ended and a soft voice answered “Hello this is the DuBious household.” he picked up an unintentional silence that he carried for even a moment too long “Look Marvin stop calling just to be silent I know it’s you!” Cordelia stated bluntly catching Mendel off guard.

“Does he really do that?”

“Oh Mendel!” you could practically hear her smile “And yes he does. At least I think it is, I could be wrong.”

“Yeah? Well, I was calling to see if Charlotte was there?” Mendel couldn’t think of smooth transition.

“Yeah let me get her.” A faint ‘Darlin’ was heard after followed with “She’s coming.”

The line went silent for a few seconds before another voice took over “Hello?”

“Hey, Charlotte it’s Mendel?” He wasn’t fully sure how to go about any part of this conversation.

“Mendel?” This conversation was already repetitive.

“No it’s Trina and I just do a very good Mendel impression.” He was hoping Charlotte would laugh but she didn’t.

“I’d believe it.” the other voice flatlined “But why are you calling?” Charlotte refused to beat around the bush.

“Oh uh..” Mendel wasn’t sure what he was going to say “I was wondering if I could help in any way at the hospital? I don't know if that would be like volunteering or something.”

Somehow Charlotte managed to understand this “Do you mean with therapy things?”

“Yeah.” he fiddled with his hair.

“I’ll see.” She had hung up before the man could thank her.

Charlotte had arranged something, she was surprisingly quick about it. After three interviews and a lot of medical talk that he had simply nodded to not fully understanding any of it he could finally meet with someone; Keith a young man who had been admitted two weeks earlier.

Charlotte had opened the door for him she gave him a soft smile before he headed in. The room was darker than he had remembered Whizzer’s or anyone’s ever being this dim on the other side of the room a man sat on a hospital bed his knees supporting a fabric bound book where he was scribbling in contently. Mendel could feel his heartbeat speed up he debated leaving, re-wrapping his scarf, trudging back to the front entrance, and leaving into the crisp autumn weather. No to do that would be to give up and he simply couldn't do that again.

“Hello?” unbeknownst to him Keith had turned to look at him, one of his barely-there blonde eyebrows raised.

“Hey!” did he sound too enthusiastic? “My names Mendel I'm here to talk to you!”

“Are you like a doctor? Because honestly, I'd rather just have Dubious.”

“I'm technically a doctor but not like how she's a doctor.” why did he fumble his words right now? “I'm a psychiatrist.”

“I'd feel bad if I forced you out.” he motioned to the chair across from his bed. Mendel wasn’t sure what to say, any topics he could think of were quickly thrown away when Keith’s voice spoke again “I know it’s your job and all but you don’t really have to do this.”

Mendel gave a quick laugh “This isn’t my job.”

“So a volunteer?” Mendel nodded “Assigned community service hours?”

“What no?” he really couldn’t tell if the man was being difficult on purpose.

“So then why are you doing this?” Mendel was almost about to answer when he cut off “Did you lose someone?” it was so blunt as if that was an easy thing to answer.

“Yes actually.” Mendel had expected the words to sound less broken than they did.

“Boyfriend? Friend?” Keith pushed.

“Well my wife’s ex-husband’s partner.”

“Sounds like a long story.” Keith for the first time in the visit smiled. 

* * *

 Nightmares deserved to stay put, simply a dream or something he would think about if the world went a little too silent, they didn't need to leak into his life. But they still allowed themselves to.

If he had just come home a little earlier that night this could have been avoided, if he had just taken a shorter route he wouldn't have had to dial 9-11 for the first time, he wouldn't have had to carry his wife for only the second time, if he had sped through his day he wouldn't have had to try to remember if Trina had any allergies, he wouldn't feel bad when he didn't. He didn't recognize her, that was the scariest part of this all not recognizing the one person he assumed he always could. He wanted to be in the world where she had never been driven to this, that before this cycle could begin again she had reached for him or simply for someone.

He could never convince Jason of a lie, he wasn't a good liar and Jason wasn't gullible. Now he wished for the inverse to have this all be an accident for this kid, for him not to have to revisit this well into adulthood. Marvin had rushed to get him and then it was Mendel's turn for a frantic drive. He couldn't do anything when he got not watch the clock, not rock his heels, not fidget around, simply wait silently until someone alerted him to his wife's condition. Whatever time it was when a nurse finally let him in it was late. His hearing went numb when he walked in the room as if he were protected from this whole scene by a thin sheet of water.

“I'm sorry.” was all she could manage to mumble, that was so small her actions deserved more than just a stupid sorry. When it pulled itself into the air it brought back so little meaning. He simply rubbed her hand that was all he thought to do.

“I need to know things like this, you shouldn't go through this alone.” she couldn't, he wouldn't let her.

“I'm sorry.” the voice that spoke didn't seem to belong to her, it was lower, so much softer, hoarse almost.

“I love you Trin, I always will.” that was a simple truth. 

* * *

 Mendel had been seeing Keith along with a handful of other men once a week for the past month and but he still knew barely anything about Keith, anytime Mendel asked about his life outside of the tiled walls of this room he quickly deflected.

“So do you have anybody at home?” It sounded almost corny as if it was the setup for a bad joke on some sitcom.

“Oh god no not unless you count my roommate and her cat.” Mendel a watery chuckle “You have a wife right?” he was surprised Keith remembered that.

“Yeah, Trina.” he smiled at the simple thought of her.

“Any kids?” Perhaps Keith was actually interested in Mendel it wasn't far from likely that he simply didn’t want to talk about himself but forcing conversation would never be a good tactic.

“Not biological-”

“Does that really matter?”

“No. But yeah we have one kid Jason, he’s thirteen and probably more intelligent than me.” the man’s lips perked slightly.

“I’ve always wanted kids.” Keith’s voice sounded whimsical as of he was telling a fairy tale “I always wanted them, when I realized that wasn’t going to work I thought well what’s the next best thing?” Mendel wasn’t sure if he actually wanted an answer so he nodded “It was teaching I guess?”

“So you’re a teacher?” Mendel was surprised that Keith’s career had never come up in conversation.

“Yup seventh and eighth-grade math, lucky me.” his tone showed obvious sarcasm.

“I always thought that I’d be an adolescence psychiatrist.” Keith nodded “But now I work with,”

“People like me?” it was almost as if the other man was preparing for Mendel to hate him but all the same offered no reason for him to.

“Oh god no you’re better than most of my patients.” 

* * *

 Mendel hated having to leave Trina but she had encouraged him to go. Mendel asked Cordelia to visit her if she happened to be around the hospital who was happy to oblige. The actual party was awkward, to say the least, he hadn’t seen most of his family since the wedding and the one question that he was asked was where was his wife, his answer wasn’t genius, in fact, it was less than he had come up with it on the two hour drive to his brother’s house; Jason was sick and Trina wanted to stay home with him simple enough right? People bought it easily enough. Night had already fallen over the empty roads Mendel went well above the speed limit hoping to catch Trina awake luckily he did.

After exchanging greetings Trina asked a question that made Mendel's chest fill with a nervous warmth “Why did you ask Cordelia to be here?”

“I thought you would want company.”

“You know I didn’t want it I don’t need to be watched all the time.”

“I’m just worried.” he tapped his foot rhythmically.

“I can’t do anything rash here.” her voice was flat as close to emotionless as human capabilities would allow. 

* * *

 His wife would be home today. Tonight for the first time in what must have been over a month she would be home. Time felt so much faster now that he had something to look forward to. God Trina would be at home, on watch at that, but still home. Sleeping next to him, life could be close to normal, closer to a normal than they had gotten over the past year. But would it really be? Was he just believing in this fantasy for his own good? It seemed like a game almost, telling himself that this storm was truly over, that he could sail with confidence once more, it was repetitive easily disproved and yet he played it all the same. This was a childish habit he could never truly kick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to TGC you cowards. But yeah my boy Mendel got a chapter that wasn't 400 words crrrrrraaaaaaazzzy.


	11. Remembering You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte tries to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is 2am and I am not tired get on my level.

Charlotte hadn’t been home for longer than nine or ten hours in at least four months this trend had started a few weeks after Whizzer’s death. She used her help as an excuse for the distraction, if she was bettering someone's life and also having it be a small distraction then was there really harm? Except she wasn't truly saving lives, more and more patients seemed to slip away. But that came with the job if she couldn't handle that she shouldn't have ever gone through with this. Right?

Charlotte peeled herself out of Cordelia’s arms “Do you really have to go today.” she mumbled sleep soaked into her voice.

“It’s my job.” Charlotte swung her legs over the side of the bed.

“It’s all you do.” Cordelia tossed over “I know you’ve been taking up more shifts.” that was the one thing she had hoped for, Cordelia staying in the dark.

Charlotte’s heart almost stopped “I have but-”

“Is it because of me?” Cordelia’s back was still turned to her girlfriend.

“Of course not.” Charlotte made her way to their packed closet.

“You can’t help them.” she had to shut her eyes, it was chilling Cordelia's voice had gone so cold, she meant this “God knows no one can.”

“Do you really think that?” she needed this to be a joke that went a little too far.

“I know it.” such confidence carried within her voice, one that barely came out. Why save it for now? 

* * *

 Another patient un-diagnosed another young man thrown into the tsunami of the unnamed trend; he was twenty-one not even a third way through his life and already dealing with the possibility of its end. Twenty-one was too young, that was what had made her stomach sink, he was the youngest she had ever seen. It was a guarantee that he wasn't the youngest one affected by this, but that wasn't something she wished to sit on too long. Just a few months ago he was having his first legal drink and now he was sitting under fluorescent lights having a woman he barely knew tell him the most profoundly life-altering words. 

* * *

 One night off, like she had promised Cordelia, they would have one night to have dinner and to talk like she had avoided for what seemed like years. Cordelia had made ravioli and poured two glasses of red wine. Their conversation was clunky, moving ungracefully through each topic.

“When was the last time you saw Marvin?” Charlotte hadn’t seen him in at least four months.

“Last night we looked at old photos.” Cordelia took a sip of wine “College era.”

“Oh god.” Charlotte shuddered “Anything too embarrassing?”

“Halloween ‘70” Cordelia smiled.

“Okay I looked damn good.” that was the first time she had dressed up for Halloween “A true and proper gentleman of the 20’s”

“You do look good in a suit.” the blonde smiled.

“I feel like it was more embarrassing for Whizzer.”

“I mean he wasn’t exactly a stranger to drag.”

“That’s true.” The conversation came to a dead end it was almost annoyingly dull. She wasn't so what to do, so she brought up her thoughts on the afterlife, seemed fitting right? Plus they had barely ever talked about this “I believe in reincarnation, I mean our energy has to go somewhere right? Why not into the universe?”

“I think I believe in ghosts. I mean I want to think that no one is really gone they're just in the shadows.” She paused the look behind her eyes went blank “If not then where is everyone?”

“Who knows?” Charlotte placed one fist under her chin “Maybe that's why we live; to find out.”

“Is that living?”

“It could be?” Charlotte never did like conversations like this she wasn’t a philosophy major she didn’t know the nuances of death and grief, she had grown too familiar with them sure but she wasn’t an expert who was she to even try to comfort Cordelia? “But who am I to say?”

“I wish you would.”

“What?”

“I just want an answer I guess?” out of anything in the world all she needed was an answer.

“Then yes that could be living.” She put her head back. 

* * *

 “What was that about?” Cordelia had picked up the phone in the first place so she was curious about what happened after her brief run in it.

“Oh, Mendel wants to help at the hospital.”

“That sounds nice.” Cordelia placed one hand on the counter “Ya know we were both flower children.” Cordelia smiled.

“Really?”

“I don’t see what’s so unbelievable about that.”

“I don’t either but just the thought of Mendel with long hair or wearing anything other than a sweater.”

“Weird.” she chuckled. 

* * *

 Marvin had invited the two over for dinner for the first time she doubted it was to actually say anything important, he just liked the company. He had burned the pasta that he had promised, Cordelia had suggested they simply drink instead Charlotte had protested knowing that Marvin and Cordelia always drank a little bit too much when united, but they had somehow won together they could truly do anything.

“I only have whiskey is that okay?” Marvin grabbed three glasses.

“Who the fuck are you trying to impress?” Cordelia sat next to Charlotte at the four-person glossy table.

“I'm going to assume it’s okay then.” Marvin poured the golden liquor into the three rounded glasses.

“Well…” Marvin sat down the air hung awkwardly “What have you guys been up to.”

“Work.” Charlotte hadn’t really done anything of importance.

“Cooking and hanging out with your kid.” Cordelia responded quietly “How ‘bout you?”.

“Just work and shit, nothing cool really.”

Cordelia gave a watery chuckle “Trying to appeal to teens is pretty cool Marv.”

“That’s not all advertising is!”

“You sure?” Charlotte folded her arms.

“Nope. But I’m keeping my stance.”

“Classy.” Cordelia swirled her drink.

The air filled with silence “I think we’ve exhausted every conversation topic.” Marvin folded his hands.

“Three old friends drinking with nothing to talk about, it's like an old folk song.” Charlotte pretended to strum an air guitar.

“It really is.” Marvin bookended the sentence with a small chuckle Charlotte simply sighed “We could tell our deepest regrets?” It seemed like an odd suggestion or a joke, but it was an idea.

“That could be fun or emotionally distressing but still fun.” Marvin tilted his chair for it to sit on only two of its legs.

“Probably emotionally distressing but hey what’s not?”

“A lot of fucking things.” Cordelia pushed her eyebrows together “Like so many things.”

“I mean are we going to go in a circle?” Marvin traced a circle on the smooth table top.

“I’ll go first!” Cordelia put her hand up “I guess I regret… most of my youth.”

“Most of it?” Marvin leaned his head forward.

“Yeah, I was like” Cordelia widened her eyes “Out of it mostly. Like it all seems like a weird dream I kinda wish I could really go back into the moment and actually be there.” she could never focus on the moment, the future always seemed so appealing.

“That’s fair.” Charlotte placed her hand on Cordelia’s who grasped it.

“I also kinda regret going to school for teaching.” No one had prompted her second confession and yet she stated it “I mean I hate kids.” she rested her head on Charlotte's shoulder ignoring the itchiness of the scratchy wool “But yet I have a B.A in education.”

“Why did you even go to college?” Marvin rested his chair on all fours.

“Because it seemed right and my Dad told me not to when I was fourteen so also spite.”

“We never did get to go on that road trip.” Cordelia pointed her finger as if to agree.

“What road trip?”

“Next summer Whizzer, Cordelia and I were going to take a road trip to god knows where-”

“California,” Cordelia answered.

“Yeah since like senior year he had said” Charlotte deepened her voice “‘We’re going to take a road trip all over the US, hell maybe I’ll find myself someone nice!’ But yeah for like three years he dropped it and then a few years ago out of the blue he decided that was his passion again.”

Cordelia wrinkled her nose “Hell we even had maps, I was trying to figure out if we could rent an RV or something.”

“Sounds nice.” Marvin smiled.

The shiksa lifted her head from her lover’s shoulder “But what about you Marv?”

“Oh god, where to even start?” Charlotte smirked at Marvin’s remark “Trina maybe, marrying her, dating her.”

“Knowing her?” The question seemed a bit overreaching and yet Charlotte asked it.

“Oh god no.” Marvin shrugged “I mean she’s a lovely woman and I wouldn’t have my son if I never met her. So maybe I don’t regret dating her at least.”

“How did you even meet her?” Cordelia had always almost asked.

“She was a secretary at the firm I was working at.” a smile lurked at the corner of his mouth “I stayed late one day and she asked if I would walk her home because of the ‘creeps’ in her neighbourhood. That became a nightly thing and then one night she invited me over and the rest is history I guess.”

“That’s kinda sweet.” Cordelia paused “I have another one.”

“No one’s stopping you.”

“Okay I regret not talking to my family as much as I should’ve.” the caterer paused as if she had to think about every letter of her next sentence “I really can’t anymore. I’ve dug myself into this huge hole, I’m pretty sure they still think I’m engaged to Whizzer something like that.” she pointed two curved hands to her chest.

“I mean you could still talk to them.”

“Well, they also hate me, at least I'm pretty sure they do. My sister is the only one who even sends a Christmas card anymore.” she rolled her eyes.

“My sister didn’t like me.” Marvin slipped.

“I thought you were an only child.”

“I had a sister.”

“Wants nothing to do with you?” Charlotte asked nonchalantly as if she was asking something as simple as his name or the college he attended.

“No, she died,” his chest rose with his next breath “I was like fourteen though so I wasn’t too affected.” 

* * *

 Cordelia had disappeared to Marvin’s last night and did not return she didn’t call or even leave a note. Charlotte knew that she didn’t need to worry Cordelia was fine she was a grown woman, not a dog she would find her way home, but still, Charlotte’s chest was tighter until the doorknob turned and a flustered Cordelia walked through.

“Where were you?”

“Marvin’s. Talking to Jason, I fell asleep before I could call or walk back sorry.” She hung up her Navy parka.

“No no it’s fine I was just worried.” Cordelia gave a small smile “Wait why was Jason over it’s only Tuesday.”

“Oh uh-” The words were already awkward in the woman’s mouth “Trina had an accident.” she sounded out the words she clenched her teeth after, this was clearly not the truth. What this accident was seemed apparent but she'd rather walk on eggshells then say it's name.

“Oh.” was the only response Charlotte could muster.

“Yeah.”

“Well, how’s Jason?”

“Oh god.” Cordelia settled herself to sit on the kitchen counter “He thinks that somehow he’s causing all of this,” she waved her hand “mess.”

“That’s normal for kids.” Charlotte furrowed her brows “I think, I hope.” 

* * *

 Charlotte hadn’t touched Whizzer’s books she didn’t need to or even want to. But curiosity took her easily and on a quiet night, she found herself digging through the cardboard box that contained countless tattered paperbacks until she settled on one a copy of ‘To the Lighthouse’ Whizzer had always said it was his favourite book after all. She had convinced herself that opening it wouldn’t hurt that seeing his handwriting would be nostalgic, not painful. She managed to flip through part one, there was minimal writing just a few notes written in the margins, it was this that had fooled her into believing that part two would be equally as reassuring. It, of course, wasn’t, it was foolish to believe that it would be, his handwriting covered almost every empty space on the yellowed pages they had little regard for what was actually happening in the book notes like “Tell Delia about the bang thing.”’ and “My fake name should be Jon” it was so monotonous as if he had used this as a diary of sorts. She didn’t make it through the rest of the book she felt almost guilty as if not finishing it was discrediting him and whatever he seemed to stand for.

“Whatcha reading?” Cordelia leaned into the wood of their bedroom door frame.

“Oh ‘To the Lighthouse’.” Charlotte bent the front cover.

It was clear Cordelia recognized the book she simply avoided it as if the novel would burn itself into her skull “Oh. I’m going to visit Trina Thursday.”

“That'll be nice.” 

* * *

 Charlotte wasn’t sure if Trina liked her. In fact, she highly doubted it and even considering this she decided to visit. Trina simply said come in when Charlotte knocked and Charlotte obliged.

“Charlotte hey!” Trina smiled setting down whatever book she had been reading.

“Hi!” Trina motioned to the chair next to her bed.

“So how have you been?” Trina made small talk fairly easily it was a talent that she had never put down having.

“Good, good.” Charlotte didn’t ask the question back thinking that maybe Trina didn’t want to talk about herself “How’s Jason I feel like I haven’t seen him in ages?”

“He’s a teenager. He’s doing well in school but there’s nothing to write home about. Have you seen Marvin recently? He hasn’t returned any of my calls.”

“Oh yeah I saw him last week,” or Cordelia had someone saw him last week, “I think he unplugged his phone or something of the sort.” That wasn’t true Marvin had pulled it out of the wall in a particularly lower moment but that was a story that Charlotte believed she didn't have the licence to tell.

“That checks out.”

For the rest of the visit, Trina talked about the book she was reading it was titled something like ‘The Covenant’ she claimed that she didn’t like it so far but was going to finish it a fact that for an odd reason stuck with Charlotte for many years. 

* * *

 Cordelia had left for the hospital fifteen minutes ago and so Charlotte’s day was empty maybe she would pick that whole crochet thing up again. No that was wishful thinking, it was much more likely that she would simply pick up her needle and lose all sense of what she intended. The ringing of the doorbell cut her off mid-thought she went to the door to open it looking through the peephole she recognized Marvin.

“Charlotte?” She had opened the door and the man seemed almost caught off guard.

“Were you looking for Cordelia?”

“No, not, in particular, I just need to talk.”

“Well, then I’m all ears.”

Charlotte had poured two glasses of lime flower water and set them on the table.

“What do you need to talk about?”

“I’m” Marvin coughed “I don’t mean to sound blunt but I was thinking, what if I don’t see Jason graduate?” the thought was something truly horrifying Marvin was just over forty he shouldn’t have to worry about living five years.

“Marv,” she couldn't pretend like she knew how this felt, what she would even do here.

“I mean it’s the one thing I had never doubted I would get.”

“Fuck.” Charlotte’s voice sounded oddly broken as if she had also not considered this possibility but she had, she had so many times. Losing a friend was one thing, losing a Father is another.

“I mean I feel like I’d need to be there for him I already fucked up twelve years of his life I don’t need to fuck up the rest.”

“Have you told him?”

“No how would I? How do you tell your kid that you’re probably going to die?” Marvin scoffed slightly.

“You really can’t.” Charlotte thought about all the parents that had passed her “Not easily at least.”

“God.”

“Maybe start with someone else?” The suggestion was weak on her end but it was the only advice that she could have given.

“Like Mendel?”

“Maybe Trina?” Trina seemed more level headed as if when delivering the news to her it would be so easier.

“I could do that.” Marvin nodded 

* * *

 

“You don’t need to remember his last words to you they don’t matter that much.” Charlotte stroked Cordelia’s back.“They were what he wanted me to remember they do fucking matter!” Cordelia’s words were rushed “If I don’t remember them then what the fuck else do I have?” her face had turned rosy her eyes glassy.

“You have your memories of everything else, you had sixteen years.”

“Do I? Is that really enough I can remember all of his boyfriends but not his fucking last words? All my memories are just so worthless.”

“All your memories are just the time you’ve spent with him is that really worthless?”

“Maybe they are maybe I’ve just wasted my entire adult life seventeen years just gone.” her eyes went blank.

“Do you think that’s true?”

“I hope it’s not but I know better than to think that.” This was helplessness, her life had mounted to this point. There was no use in hoping now, she had no wishes to throw into the well, she was in a land of no friendly faces. She could have lived with that if Cordelia wasn't stood in the same exact space. She didn't wish to be trapped in this with her, forever wasn't meant to be this bitter. To spend their life together implied some sort of bliss, not a life painted with nothing but grief and solicitude colours that looked all too similar. Her life had once been entirely in technicolour but now it had been reduced to a simple monochrome.

Cordelia didn't sleep. She had never slept well but now Charlotte was acutely aware of just how much sleep her girlfriend seemed to let slip away. Charlotte would now wake in the early morning to find no one next to her, the smooth sheet filling the empty space of a lover. It had never occurred to her that Cordelia could have been just a wall away, on the fire escape.

“It must be freezing out there.” the shorter woman had draped a blanket over her shoulders.

“It doesn’t bother me too much.” she patted the metal next to her “I kinda like it.”

“Why are you out here in the first place?” Charlotte offered the other side of her blanket to the other woman who wrapped it just over her shoulder.

“I like watching the sunrise sometime,” she shrugged “I used to wake up every morning because I thought that since every sunrise looked different I should see as many as I could.”

Charlotte yawned and rubbed her eyes “I didn’t know that.”

“Keeping you on your toes I guess!” Charlotte laughed and brushed the blonde hair out of the woman’s face.

“I think we'll be okay at the end of everything.”

“Do you think there's an end to this?”

“There has to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think I'll cry when I finally finish this? Because I probably will.


	12. Thank You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin loses the path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love being MARVIIIIN! Sorry I have in trousers stuck in my head. But boy am I writing these a lot faster than I used to.

He had considered not letting Cordelia look through Whizzer’s things, to close the door on her and remain alone without memories for the night. But who was he to do that? He had reminded himself that she most likely had more of a right to his things than he did, she knew him better than anyone.

While rooting through his things Cordelia discovered a box of Whizzer’s photographs she had said they looked college era, Marvin couldn’t help but wonder how she could identify them with such ease. She had picked up few before one caught his eye, it was her driving her golden hair pulled into a messy ponytail her eyes were concealed by dark sunglasses.

“When’s that.” Marvin pointed with two fingers.

“The summer after our senior year I think. I had just gotten my car and he asked if I could drive him to some small town so we had a beach day,” she stated this as if she was an expert on this photo and nothing but she carried such confidence in this possible fact. 

* * *

  _“Why would you even want to go to the beach?” Cordelia readjusted her glasses._

_“The beach is fun!” Whizzer her a wide grin “Either way when was the last time you had any fun?” he said this rather sardonically_

_“I have fun in the city! It's not small-town USA there is plenty to do.” She brushed a lock of her hair back._

_“Sure sure.”_

* * *

 “Sounds fun.”

“Oh god it wasn’t, I got a sunburn the moment I arrived and then it started raining so we had to leave.” her words came off acrimoniously she picked up another photo and gave a quick snicker. Cordelia was dressed in a long red dress she looked almost immaculate one of her long thin arms was wrapped around Whizzer’s shoulders who was dressed in a sharp grey suit with a thin blue tie “Oh god, this is ‘68 at my oldest brother’s wedding.”

“You two look… Good.” Whizzer did look good his eyes were squinted as he flashed a large smile, Cordelia’s face looked conservative compared to him her mouth was the only part of her face that was moved upwards.

“I guess we do.” Cordelia imitated her past self's grin “It was awful though, this was at the span of time where we were dating, like real dating.” Marvin nodded “Yeah well we both got absolutely shit faced at the reception and then had awkward drunk sex.” Cordelia visibly shuddered “Just confirmed for me that I was a dyke.” Marvin laughed.

“Sounds better than the beach.”

“It was.” 

* * *

  _"_ _Last night was-” Whizzer stretched an arm behind his head._

_“I don’t want to talk about it.” Cordelia was clothed in only her pants and a bra she had been packing all of her outfits into the small suitcase she had managed to stuff all her necessities into._

_“Shouldn’t we?”_

_“What is there to talk about?” She paused her folding to look at Whizzer “Whatever we did was stupid and not real.”_

_"Yeah.”_

_"That’s all.” Cordelia closed the conversation herself “So are you going to get dressed or are you wearing only boxers?”_

* * *

 Marvin’s picked up a photo one of Charlotte dressed in a pinstripe suit that was three sizes too big, her hair was pulled into two puffs she balanced a fedora on her finger she was smiling at the ground. Whizzer was posed next to her in a flapper dress almost unrecognizable he had drawn on sloped eyebrows to give the impression of an everlasting distraught face. “Halloween of god knows when; Whizzer had decided to work that night so Charlotte suggested they match. So we went to whatever bar he was working and just spent the night having fun.” she paused “I was dressed as a cat since nobody asked.” Cordelia said this as if there were hundreds of people in the room instead of it just being her and one other person. 

* * *

  _"Hey, we match!” Whizzer smiled from what could loosely be called a dressing room if you could call the closet they had placed a few mirrors in a dressing room._

_“You kinda planned this but okay.” Charlotte spun her fedora on the top of her finger._

_“Let me have fun!”_

_“It’s a shame that you make a better blonde than me.” she pulled up a strand of his newly blonde hair, they had both bleached it on pure impulse._

_The stranger Cordelia wished she could remember something about piped up “Oh shut up you’re beautiful!”_

_"He’s right.” Whizzers accented the ‘he’._

_"You’re wrong but I’m no good at debating.” Charlotte shook her head in disagreement to this._

_“Y'all are too kind.” she straightened her headband._

_“Y'all are truly too nice! Truly!” Whizzer imitated in an exaggerated southern accent._

_“Except for you.” she placed her hand on her friend’s shoulder “Everyone else here is nice.”_

* * *

 “I sometimes forget about most of his past. It’s weird.” Marvin admitted. Cordelia grabbed another photo it was of Whizzer with a taller man; he had long black hair the was parted on the left side Whizzer was kissing his neck the other man was simply smiling.

“Oh god, Henri.” Cordelia rolled her eyes “He had such a thing for guys with accents back then it was horrendous. Henri was beyond boring, he had no personality whatsoever.”

“What kind of accent did he have?” looking at the man Marvin assumed German or something of the sort.

“French.” Cordelia scoffed as she picked a photo of herself outside of an apartment building she was holding a peace above her head a men’s denim jacket fell to her knees she was wearing a short dress that buttoned at the top. “1971” she extended the year as she bought herself time to think “No ‘72 when we moved in together for the first time.” 

* * *

  _"_ _Home sweet home!” Cordelia threw herself down on the shabby carpet that covered almost every inch of the one bedroom._

_"Real adult apartment!” Whizzer exclaimed as he sat next to her._

_“All it needs is furniture.” Cordelia reminded him._

_"Shit man that’s expensive.”_

_"Yeah.”_

* * *

 “How long did you live together?”

“Until ‘79 and then for a little, after you kicked him out” Marvin bit his lip “He got his own apartment like half a year later.” Cordelia swirled her drink.

“I know nothing about those two years.” Marvin looked at Cordelia almost prompting her next words.

“There wasn’t much. He went to Europe to take pictures for some magazine. I think he photographed for some big magazine? He dated a bit. No one that significant.”

“I’m not sure what I expected.”

“Something more?”

“I guess.”

“You really can't expect much from life.” 

* * *

 Marvin hadn’t thought about how Jason’s friends would react he doubted they would even care and yet here he was having to worry with his son who had come home crying for the first time in what must have been a couple of years.

“Michael asked about Whizzer again.” Jason talked into Marvin’s fleece jacket.

“Have you thought about telling him the truth?”

Jason pulled away and sniffed “He wouldn’t understand I said Whizzer had the flu.”

His lie wasn’t what Marvin focused on it was the boy’s reddened eyes and the sadness that dampened his voice “You’ll figure something out. What does Heather think?” Heather was the other of Jason’s two friends, he clearly had some kind of crush on her but that was a low bar for any girl to clear.

“She just thinks that he’s still alive.” Marvin took a sharp breath.

“Maybe start with telling her.” Marvin nodded and Jason returned it “Does anyone at school know.”

“Mr.Shapiro.” Marvin felt like laughing a bit, of course, he had only told his English teacher. 

* * *

 Cordelia’s visits were becoming near second nature she would come over drink and just talk about whatever her mind had rested upon. Tonight she had come over to go through Whizzer’s belongings again because she could. She had settled on his leather jacket and some jeans, he had wanted to keep the jacket but it didn’t fit right around his arms so he reluctantly surrendered it.

“Maybe you should like donate some of this.”

“Why?”

“So it doesn't just sit in a closet.” she leaned on her arm.

“I'll find something to do with it.”

The shiksa bit the inside of her mouth “Are you sure?”

The silence that fell over the hallways was just in time for the kitchen phone to ring. He got up leaving Cordelia to look through the box of jeans again.

“Hello?”

“It’s Mendel.” The man didn’t bother to greet Marvin nor did he wait for a response “Can you come pick up Jason?”

“Why?” he didn't object to it as much as he just needed to know why this request had arrived so late.

“Trina’s in the hospital or on the way I don't know.” Marvin hadn’t picked up on the man’s distress but now it was so much more clear “It was another attempt.” this was only the second had this become so common that he could really use the word ‘another’? “Can you please pick him up? I don’t want to leave him alone but I can’t bring him there.”

“Of course I will.” Marvin tried to sound as empathetic as he could, he truly felt for the man his voice just often fell short.

“Thank you so much.”

Cordelia had invited herself on the drive but Marvin didn’t protest. When he finally pulled up to the house he didn’t hesitate to go in why would he? Mendel answered the door something was amiss about him as if the torch that illuminated his eyes had been stolen by an unnamed thief.

“Marvin, thank you.” His words were already rushed.

“I mean it’s the least I can do.” It really was.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” the man pulled his face back slightly.

Marvin placed one hand on his shoulder “Hey, everything will be alright.” it could have been a lie Marvin wasn’t sure but it did seem to calm the man.

The three had all claimed that they were going to sleep. But at least for Marvin sleep never came, this was more than just an itch under his skin it was a burning heat that asked only one question; How had they not noticed this? How had she gotten this far without any intervention? They had last time sure but she had been so alone at the time, she had Mendel now he would have held her back. But he didn't and in his failure, no one seemed to fill his shoes. This couldn't be a motif in his life, Trina throwing herself over the cliff just to be caught the moment before she hit the ground.

The next morning Cordelia had made them breakfast and then excused herself sighting that Charlotte would be wondering where she was and promising a return later that day. There was no manual written for this, no reference he could sight for the proper steps to take here. So separated he sat from his son even if they shared a relative closeness.

“Do you need to talk about it.”

“No.” Jason continued to chew.

“Okay.” Mendel had once said not to push Jason into things, did that apply here?

One is always aware of their certain death. Death, after all, is the one thing each living being can rely on after all. But now rather than being a small fact, he would acknowledge from time to time death had become a lurking figure who tightly knitted herself into the fabric that composed itself into the shape of Marvin's life. First Whizzer seemed so close to it, then Trina neared it too, and slowly he would also near the same door. 

* * *

 Charlotte had broken the news of his inevitable death so many months ago, she stressed the words sure but the words had seemed to come to her. But there were no words to tell your son that you could live for another three years or another fifteen. When your time left on Earth has a definite early ending with no pinned date a proper explanation is impossible. The diagnosis gave death the permission to lay upon his shoulders to do nothing but make threats that would never be paid off.

Charlotte had suggested telling only Trina for now and he had stupidly agreed.

Marvin always hated hospitals he never would understand how Charlotte managed to work at one almost every night. He wasn't family to Trina enough, it was arguably if he had ever been, but all the same, she invited him with arms extended out as if she were close to flying. She was pleasant enough for the first few minutes of the visit she smiled and acted like she cared, except it wasn't an act she really did care about him.

Then he finally said it “I’m going to die Trina.”

“Marvin I know it hurts but-”

He interrupted her “No I’m going to die. Whatever Whizzer had spreads from person to person.”

“How long?” she almost demanded.

“What?”

"How long do you have left?” She needed to know how long she had to prepare for the worst.

“Who knows?” Marvin shrugged “Hell whatever he had doesn’t really have a proper name. I could last fifteen years or fifteen days.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to take it one day at a time.” Something about this hit Marvin in an odd way his ex-wife a woman who should want nothing to do with him giving him advice on how to live the rest of his life, ‘one day at a time’.

“Should I tell him?” him meaning Jason which she understood easily.

“Maybe wait until I’m not,” her eyes traced each corner of the room “Here.”

“Okay.”

“It's weird, you didn't come to visit me last time.” the brunette swept her hair to the side.

“Well then this time will be different.” it was an off-hand remark Marvin would never think back to. To Trina it held so much more; a future that was not set in stone, nothing in this world would be definite she could learn to see the beauty of her many moments. 

* * *

 Cordelia had made herself part of Marvin's part nights. They had both found themselves alone all too often and it the company was simply her sitting across from him humming as she knitted a project she would never finish and him pretending to read whatever book Trina had suggested it was better than nothing.

But that night she had brought no knitting needles proposing that they sit outside and how she had once read that cold air was good for you, to that claim she could give no evidence, but all the same, he joined her.

“I hate him.” he took in a sharp breath of the icy winter air, even he was unsure where that sentence had formed.

“No, you don’t!” Cordelia slapped his knee as if she were telling a joke.

“Why shouldn’t I? Maybe I never loved him.” he leaned into the cheap material of the lawn chair he had positioned on his porch.

“Have you considered that you did?”

“I’m not sure but,” he paused “There must be some reason I didn’t love him. I need to know that so I can just be done with this.”

“But you won’t be.” she bounced her knee repeatedly to a tempo only she could catch.

“You can’t know that.”

“Ah but I do.”

“You’re a mysterious beast.”

She smiled as angled her chair to get a better view of her friend “I like it that way.” she leaned forward in her chair “You can try to act like you didn't really know someone or love them but at the end of the day their death still hits you exactly the same.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the first part of this fic took place over the span of about seven months but the next part is going to skip around in time a lot more just as an FYI. Also still not checking this shit. Revisions are probably wrapping up fun.


	13. Kiss Today Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia regains her strength and relearns to fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huuuuuuh if y'all don't remember this chapter is going to jump in time a lot more because the family is grieving less. But that's my alibi. I also use a few slurs here so like watch out

Cordelia had been close to Marvin before, she was one of his only friends after all, but after Whizzer’s death, Cordelia had found herself at Marvin’s apartment more and more. They often drank together and he would sit with her on his patio as she smoked a habit she had picked up out of stress when Whizzer had first become sick.

The frosted air bit at her nose “Letting go is such an art.”

“What?” Cordelia let out a puff of smoke coughing slightly.

“Letting go is an art.” the words didn't seem to come from her friend as if he had been prompted by some unknown figure to whom Cordelia had no evidence of their existence “It’s almost a craft, you have to work at it but you also have to have some innate talent. I wish I was the greatest artist, I wish that I could just finish this and be done and live again. Jesus, I’ve lost people and shrugged it off but now I’m just stuck.”

She took a drag and set the smoky remains of her cigarette stomping on it with one of her boots “It is.” she could at least agree with that “But it’s not a skill, you can't become any better at it.”

“How can you know that?”

“Ya know you underestimate what I know. Marvin I’ve lost hell,” Cordelia had to stop to count “Five friends in the past two years alone, I lost a brother just eight months ago” Marvin didn’t realize that she was, in fact, talking about Whizzer “I’m not even forty and I'm giving eulogies for people younger than me. I lost my father and didn’t even go to his funeral. No matter how much you lose it never gets easier and it never fully heals.” 

* * *

 Jason had come over with the promise of helping Cordelia to bake apparently break boredom had taken over. Instead, he had laid himself down on the plush carpet and simply watched the ceiling fan loop itself.

“I know it’s a comfy rug but are you really only going to sit there kiddo?” Cordelia called from the kitchen.

“I’m not sure, maybe I’ll live here forever.” Jason let his head fall to the side.

Cordelia laughed “I’ll have to move out at some point.” She paused “Something wrong?”

“I don’t know I’ve just been thinking.” the shiksa had made her way to the living room at this point “Is being gay really genetic?”

“Well if it is then at least one of my siblings is keeping a secret. But it’s really not.” Jason sat upright Cordelia joined him on the carpet “But why would you ask?” Marvin had told her about Jason’s question this being one of the recurring ones but that was what? Two years ago? Surely he had grown out of it.

“Well if my Dad is gay why wouldn’t I be?”

“Sexuality is more complicated than that.” she shrugged “I don't think your Dad being gay really affects you. But still why?”

“Well if that cancer or whatever it is only affects gay men than where would that leave my Dad or even me?” how did she answer this? How could she even begin to construct a key that would solve any of this?

“But they’re pretty sure whatever this is it only spreads from lover to lover through ya know.” Cordelia twitched her mouth down awkwardly.

“But what about my Dad.”

Cordelia took a sharp breath “I’m not sure if Marvin would want me telling you but,” she wrapped one arm around Jason anticipating his reaction “He might have gotten what Whizzer had.” the boy’s eyes went wider and tears began to overrun his cheeks “We’re not sure though.”

“How long would he live?”

“No one knows.”

“Why?” the boy’s voice was a vibrato of an odd pain.

Cordelia couldn’t help but cry along “It’s just difficult to help and figure out when nobody is paying attention you can’t do it alone.”

“I’m gonna help when I’m older.” Jason said almost boldly “I’m gonna be a doctor and I’m gonna figure this out I’m going to be the one to find the cure.”

Cordelia stroked the boy’s back “I hope you do. I know you’ll help.” 

* * *

 “Marvin it’s like what three am?” Cordelia rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she leaned against the door frame letting the fresh air into her stuffy apartment.

“Two.”

“Well, still why are you here? You could have called.”

Marvin bit his lip in a showcase of embarrassment “You know I don’t have a phone anymore.”

“I’m not replacing that for you.” Cordelia began to shut the door but Marvin put his foot in the door Cordelia grunted and rolled her eyes.

“Look I’m gonna make this short.” he pressed his lips together “Did you tell Jason.”

“He asked.”

“And you answered.”

“Yep.” Cordelia popped the ‘P’ as if she didn’t care about the whole situation.

“How and why?”

“Well, I explained that it spreads from person to person and you might have it. He asked I didn’t want to say it but I couldn’t just lie to the kid he deserves to know he’s part of this family too. Are we done?” she could never deal with Marvin when he was angry, keeping this short and letting him calm down alone was her best option.

“I was going to tell him.”

“Were you?”

“It wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t it’s still my secret to tell.”

“I'm sorry I didn't ask before but you dying is not a secret at least not one you keep from your fucking kid for a year. Goodnight Marvin.” She pressed the door against his foot.

“I’m not done.”

“Yes you are.” she pressed harder and he removed his foot he knocked at the door a few times as if she was going to answer it again. 

* * *

 “Eighth grade!” Cordelia clapped slightly as she walked with the boy.

“I’m still technically in seventh we still have like a week left.”

“Everyone knows the last week of school doesn’t matter!”

“It’s still school.” Jason protested.

She ruffled his hair “And you’re still a nerd!” Cordelia had missed Jason, Marvin had been reluctant to let her see him but Trina had asked her to walk him home which seemed odd surely he was old enough to walk home alone? But she didn’t question this, Jason was always good company and it was nice to get out of the house “So how has school been?”

“Boring question.” Jason threw his head back “But it’s been good really. I mean kinda boring, nothing good has happened.”

“Really no crushes?”

“Not really.” the boy used the same tone that Cordelia could still see right through.

“Really?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Are you ever going to drop it if I don’t tell you?”

“God you sound like your Dad.” it was Cordelia’s turn to throw her head back “But no I won’t”

“Well Heather Levin’s nice.” he blushed.

“Awwww” she cooed “Young love what could be sweeter?” Cordelia dropped her southern drawl instead picking up a faux and overtop Shakespearean accent.

“Stop!” 

* * *

 Things often came to Cordelia at the oddest moments. Little things like; the name of her high-school prom date or what grade she was in when she broke her arm for the third time. Perhaps this is why as she stared at the starless sky while sitting on the cool metal of her fire escape something finally clicked in her mind and she remembered the words she had been mulling over for what could have been the past ten months. Whizzer’s last words to her to be exact. “Maybe in another life Delia.” the words were simple but carried so much for her, the promise of their friendship lasting through many lifetimes, the use of his pet name for her. She wasn’t sure what she expected maybe something grander? But the real last sentence was all she wished for, personal, not showy in any way they could have fit in almost any of their conversations. He left her on a note of himself. 

* * *

  _"_ _Ya know I wasn’t supposed to make it this far.”_

_“I know,” Cordelia responded coldly, couldn’t Whizzer just be Whizzer not talk about his illness for one moment? Just smile and tell her how odd her hair looked cropped at that length?_

_“This whole thing is so,” Cordelia didn’t mean to cry but tears did begin the trickle down the fuzz of her face “Delia?” his tone almost made her feel guilty for crying as if sobbing was going to worsen this “You okay?” he grabbed her hand, she squeezed it gently._

_“No.” she wanted to give a phoney response just smile and say yes couldn’t she just do that? Give her friend that little bit? “I just need you to be okay. I just need this all to be okay. I can’t fix this I can’t fix anything why do I even try?” she choked on her tears “But why am I crying you’re the one dying, not me? It’s selfish. You’re the one suffering and I’m just here.” her tone went flat at the end._

_“That’s why.” Whizzer gave an odd smile._

_“Hm?”_

_“I get to fade away and what do you get to do? Grin and bear it?”_

_“I wish I could fade away too. Just be done. I’m so tired of everything. Fading away just seems easier.”_

_“That’s because it is.”_

_“Would you forgive me.” Whizzer understood this immediately after seventeen years of friendship who wouldn’t?_

_“I don’t know but it’s not your time, I know it’s not. Plus I don't think Charlotte would want to be left alone.”_

_She needed a topic change “What do you think would have happened if we did get married?”_

_“For real?”_

_“I mean you didn’t come out to me and we got married while pretending to be straight.”_

_“Maybe we’d have a little cottage somewhere.” Cordelia smiled through her tears a cottage did sound nice “Two kids, maybe a cat or something, a garden of herbs. You’d be teaching I’d be working some desk job. Come home after work and have dinner.”_

_“Who would cook?” she laughed “Neither one of us know how to.”_

_“We’d learn.” a smile crept across his face “Or maybe we would have stayed in New York and you did something with your voice.”_

_“It’s not that good.”_

_“It is.” Whizzer went into a coughing fit “I’m fighting this I promise.”_

_“I know.”_

_“One day we’re gonna be eighty on your stoop and judging people like us remember?”_

_“That’s the one thing I’m counting on.”_

_“Will you sing for me?”_

_“Oh come on!”_

_“Just one verse? I just wanna hear you again.”_

_“Fine! what?” she smiled_

_“You remember that song that I played all the time when we lived together?”_

_“What I did for Love?”_

_“Yeah, that one!”_

_“How could I forget it? I've probably heard it more times than you.”_

_“Will you sing it?”_

_“Fine but just once!” she began to sing, it was slightly off tune but Whizzer didn’t mind, she sang alone until the last verse when she rested her head against his chest and together they sang “You can sing too, ya know?”_

_“Maybe I can but that’s not much.”_

_“You act like it is.” Cordelia laughed “When we go on that road trip we can sing more.”_

_Whizzer’s starry eyes and teary turned his face to Cordelia “Maybe in another life Delia.” her heart sank this was the life they were going to do it the other life wouldn’t matter she wanted that road trip in this one she couldn’t wait another lifetime for more time with her friend._

_She didn’t say this though she simply kissed his cheek and whispered: “That would be nice.”_

* * *

 Cordelia began to shake, she thought that this was over that she was done healing she longed to be free for just once to not have the harsh weight that she seemed to carry in her chest every day just to be weightless again and fly as she had been before. 

* * *

 “Why don’t you go outside to play?” Cordelia wasn’t going to complain about the company but Jason really did need to go hang out with kids his age.

“I like reading. Either way, there’s air conditioning here.”

“Fair enough.” Cordelia never did like the heat not when she was in Tennessee not now.

Charlotte had come home around three it seemed early but Cordelia was just happy to have her home.

“Hey, kid!” Charlotte placed her bag on the end table placed next to their couch.

“Hey, Charlotte!” Jason smiled widely.

“That book has got to be taller than you!” Charlotte joked “What is it Les Miserables?”

“War and Peace!”

“I read that in college.” Charlotte pointed her fingers out.

Cordelia laughed slightly “It took her all four years!”

“It took a good five.” her girlfriend added, “You staying for dinner?”

“I don’t see why I wouldn’t” 

* * *

 Marvin had shown up at Cordelia’s door for the first time in months, his posture was all too high as if he was proving that he still had pride.

“Hi, Marvin.” Cordelia kept her tone flat.

“Can I come in?” He moved his head to look into the apartment.

“Are you going to yell at me?”

“I promise not to.”

“Well, I’m going to smoke if you want to join me.”

Marvin was uncharacteristically quiet, Cordelia couldn’t stand it “What’s your problem with me?”

“I don’t have a problem with you.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes “You show up at my apartment at two a.m and yell at me.”

“Yea-”

“I’m not done.” she pressed her thumb and index finger together “So you show up yell at me and then don’t talk to me for six months.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I just” he breathed out “I didn’t want Jason to know.”

“Why?”

“Jesus Christ Delia he’s thirteen!” he laced his fingers together “He doesn’t need to know his father is going to die.”

“How did that work out last time?” she almost intimidated.

“It didn’t but,” he tilted his head towards the sky “I wanted to tell him.”

“That’s fair.” Marvin looked almost shocked “But six months? I thought we were friends?”

“Yeah we are but how do you get back from just yelling at you?” he played a fake accent “Sorry I was a dick here’s some flowers.”

“I’d take flowers.”

“Noted.” 

* * *

 “Look I’m not saying Mendel went to prom in an electric blue suit but I wouldn’t doubt it.”

Trina laughed as she stirred her tea “Give the man some credit I doubt he would even touch that colour!”

“Really?” Cordelia lifted her eyebrows.

“Yes of course!” Trina put her hand on the table still giggling.

“How is Mendel I don’t remember seeing him like at all this year.”

Trina paused to think “He’s been pretty good. He still hates all his clients but he likes the people at the hospital. How about Charlotte?” Trina knew how Charlotte was doing she had seen her a few weeks before but it seemed like a niciety to ask.

“She’s doing okay.” Cordelia bobbed her head slightly her blonde curls bouncing along “She’s been taking fewer shifts at the hospital which is nice I guess.”

Trina took a sip of her tea “That’s good.”

“Ya know I don’t think I know this.” the words seemed oddly unnatural as if she was fighting to retreat from the topic of her girlfriend.

“What?” Trina raised an eyebrow.

“What’s your family like?” Cordelia always liked discussing family she wasn’t exactly sure why but it was always her go-to topic.

“Oh.” Trina seemed somewhat shocked by the question as if it was the first time she had heard it “Well they’re pretty normal. Ya know strict dad, loving but pressuring mother, oh and I have a sister. We got along pretty well as kids but she lives in California I haven’t seen her since the wedding.”

“That’s nice.” Cordelia had finished her tea at this point.

Trina removed her hand from the table “But what about your family?”

“Oh where do I start?” she gave a watery chuckle “My dad’s a pastor, Mom’s also super conservative, I’m the middle-ish of eight kids.”

“Eight?” Trina sounded almost too shocked.

“Yeah. They’re devout Christians so the more kids the merrier.” Cordelia shrugged “They’re not that interesting the only thing that is kinda interesting is just the number of kids.”

“When I was younger I always wanted a big family.” Trina reflected.

“Well, you have one.” Trina hadn’t really thought of the makeshift as the ‘big’ family she had always wanted because it really wasn’t.

“That’s true.” 

* * *

 Laying in Charlotte’s arms was always comforting like being in your childhood home after time abroad, but tonight they felt almost too binding, waves pushing Cordelia lower and lower in the ocean. She desperately wanted to stay wrapped in her lover’s arms stay in the warmth of Charlotte’s embrace and their quilt, but oh god was she suffocating? No that’s impossible she was on dry land she attempted to fill her lungs with air but they refused to fill she didn’t want to leave but did she have a choice? Peeling away from Charlotte’s arms was always a game of chance in which this time she won Charlotte simply mumbled something into her hair. Cordelia had never considered her time on the fire escape as anything other than an occasional visit but they were becoming part of her routine. The fresh air didn’t always help but tonight it seemed to slow her heart made her lungs loosen just a little. The warm summer night embraced her almost as sweetly as Charlotte but it was only almost something was missing a certain emptiness filled Cordelia’s chest. But not laying in Charlotte’s arms doesn’t fill that void nothing seemed too, maybe she’ll forget about the emptiness soon and it will be as if it was never there. 

* * *

 “What’s even wrong with this mattress?” Cordelia pressed her head to the quilted material curving her back.

Marvin moved the box spring to stand against the wall “It’s too big.”

“What are you even doing with this?” Cordelia pressed her back to the bed.

“I don’t know. Probably just leave it on the street.” he shrugged.

“Oh, that’s how I got my first bed!” 

* * *

  _"Delia maybe a street bed isn’t the best choice?”_

_This comment was made through all five stories of their walk up and on all five levels Cordelia protested “Do you think I don’t know that?” Cordelia pulled the bed to their front door._

_“Then why did you hike it all the way up here?”_

_Cordelia opened the front door “To prove a point maybe.”_

* * *

 “That’s kinda gross?” Marvin pulled the box spring out of the door.

“Hey I slept on it until I moved in with Charlotte.” she shrugged “Never gave me any problems.”

“Wasn’t that like five years ago?”

“Probably?”

Marvin’s face showed a mix of disgust and confusion “Okay.” Cordelia pushed the mattress into the hallway.

“Oh my god, there’s so much room now!” Cordelia extended the ‘room’.

“Well cherish it because there’s not going to be for too long.”

“I wish you would just let this be.” Cordelia laid in the middle of the floor where the bed used to rest.

Marvin kicked at her thigh softly “And sleep on the floor?”

“It’s surprisingly comfortable.” 

* * *

 Cordelia had walked Jason home from school for a majority of the first month at Trina’s asking the walks were short enough and often pleasant the worst they got was if Jason was particularly stressed which wasn’t often she left him at the stoop and walked back to the metro but today she stopped this was so close to the graveyard, the one she was sworn off from ever visiting but shouldn’t she? Didn't she survive a year why deny herself this one visit? She knew why because one visit would turn to two, two would turn to five, and five would end up becoming weekly and fully knowing this her feet carried her into the grass, over to the lonely tree that her friend resided under. ‘Whizzer Brown’ was carved into the smooth granite roses decorated the top Cordelia didn’t look lower knowing that the dates would only upset her.

“I was going to say sorry for not visiting but it’s not like you’re going to hear it.” Cordelia laughed slightly “So a year and what? Three months? God, I haven’t been counting in well since,” she stopped to think “I stopped at eight months.” she sat next to the stone “How has it been here? Lonely?” she traced a circle in the grass almost waiting for a response “Remember that time that I told you about that void thing? Ya know I said when Charlotte talked about her job I felt like an emptiness in my chest right around here” she pointed to the middle of her chest “Well it’s back but like all the time.” the ran her thin delicate fingers through her golden hair “I know I know I should see a therapist but like? I don’t like talking about it with people.” she pointed her head down “Well not with anyone living.” she wished she could just hear him chuckle at that “Ya know fuck you for not laughing that was funny.” god was she crying? Why? “I wish I had heard you laugh more. That’s all I really want now. But I can't change that. I wish that I wanted like a cat then I could just do it but… I can’t hear you laugh, can I? For every photo or memory I have I don’t have a clear memory of your voice. It was bubbly I know that. Was it deeper than Marvin’s? No right? Fuck it was. No.” she thought over this minor detail for minutes “I’m boring you aren’t I?” she laughed “I was always the boring one wasn’t I? Photographer and world traveller; Whizzer Brown, and his okay cook of a friend; Cordelia Dubious. I’m always the boring one in every couple.” she almost waited for Whizzer to disagree “Charlotte's been working less but she's still working for eight days straight sometimes. She’s been doing stuff like that for god since we met? I don’t know why. It’s not like annoying but I just want to know why. But there’s not really a reason is there? Is there a reason for anything? No right? I just need a reason to exist Whiz Kid.” She used the nickname to force a laugh upon herself “Remember Whiz kid? You used to get some mad, you’d scrunch up your face and say ‘Cordelia Cooper stop calling me that!’” Cordelia didn’t lower her voice in fears that she’d get it wrong. 

* * *

 “Do we even really need to move?” Cordelia flipped through pages of apartments.

Charlotte was writing something down “Don’t you want to get out of here with all the memories?”

It was true Cordelia did hate how every wall, every square foot was linked to someone that wasn’t her or Charlotte “I guess I’m just worried about Marvin.”

Charlotte smirked, “He’s a grown man he can take care of himself and it’s not like we’re moving out of the city.”

“What if something happens to him and no one is here?”

“We’ll replace his phone. Delia…”

“That’s not the point I just want to be there.”

“We can’t always be there for him. For all, we know he’s going to be fine.” Charlotte tried to convince herself.

“Just a year maybe?” Cordelia almost begged in a way.

“I suppose a year isn’t so bad.” Cordelia smiled genuinely for the first time in what appeared to be years. 

* * *

 “When was the last time you saw Jake?” Charlotte called from the bed as Cordelia brushed through her hair.

“Wasn’t he sick? Or was he the one who moved to Germany?” Cordelia honestly couldn’t keep up with most of their friends anymore.

“No Lisa and her boyfriend were the ones who moved to Germany.”

“We should visit sometime I’d like to see Germany or just Europe.” she began to brush her teeth.

“The last vacation we took was,” why could she never remember?

“Hawaii,” Cordelia mumbled.

Charlotte stuck her thumb up and pointed her finger “Oh yeah!” she laughed “You refused to go to the beach for like two days until I finally had to drag you to it.”

Cordelia spat out “That was the only time I’ve had fun at the beach.” she smiled walking out into their bedroom shaking her hair behind her shoulders “I’ve been thinking about growing out my hair.”

“I think it's a good look on you but you also look beautiful no matter what!”

Cordelia gave a playful shove “You’re almost too sappy!” she grinned.

That night Cordelia stayed in bed all night she didn’t stray away for the fire escape she didn’t get up to splash water in her face she simply laid embraced in Charlotte’s arms. The void in her chest lessened just enough, just enough to feel content. The next morning she slept late for the first time in months.

“Fuck is it already nine?” Cordelia brushed one hand through her hair.

“Yeah.” Charlotte carried a mug with her “Made ya green tea.” she smiled.

“You’re the sweetest.” Cordelia planted a kiss on Charlotte’s cheek. Charlotte gazed out the window “Whatcha looking at?” Cordelia took a sip.

“The leaves.” she turned around “Autumn is my favourite season ya know?”

“I didn’t I always thought it was spring for some reason.” she set the white mug down “The rain.”

“Nah, I like the leaves and the cooler weather. Plus we were both born in Autumn so that's something.”

“Is it bad I almost forgot?” Not Charlotte's September eighth was simple enough, but November was less than a month away and yet she had hardly remembered to even mark the twenty-second on her calendar.

“Probably not I mean we didn’t celebrate last year.” that wasn’t true Charlotte and Cordelia had gone out to eat at some bistro.

“Should we this year?”

“Do you want to?”

Cordelia shook her head “Not really.” her birthday always reminded her of Whizzer who had always made it a bigger deal than it was, even in the hospital he had managed to get her something; a gold bracelet that had the day they met engraved on it, for all she knew Whizzer had made the day up. He hadn’t he had sat down and figured out the day. She hadn’t worn it since he got worse, hell she was sure she had lost it somewhere in the apartment and was almost too anxious to search for it again.

* * *

 “Why even have a fall break?” Cordelia balanced her glass on her hand.

Jason shrugged still looking at his book “Thanksgiving.”

“Oh.” Cordelia extended this through many syllables “We haven’t had one of those since you were like eleven.”

“Three years” Jason looked up “and I don’t even miss it.”

“I like cooking it but they’re never that fun.”

“You can make turkey any time of the year.”

“A spark of genius kid.” She lifted her chin. 

* * *

 Cordelia picked up the phone expecting Trina or maybe Marvin, but of course, it wasn’t she was met with the voice of a stranger.

“Is this Cordelia Cooper?” the stranger knew her name not only that but he also knew her maiden name.

“Yes?” she answered almost worried that her answer would trigger something horrible.

“Jesus Christ Cee! We’ve been trying to track you down for like three months!” a muffled voice agreed. Then it clicked, the voice was her brother she wasn’t sure which one but she was sure that it was one of them.

“Oh.” that wasn’t the right response “Why?” she curled the phone’s cord around her finger.

The voice gave an awkward ‘Er’ before speaking again “I don’t know how to say this but, Ma died.”

That was a bullet through her chest she had spent years wanting to call her Mother but now since she had been so slow to do that suddenly it was gone “Oh god, why are you even telling me?”

“You’re part of the family?” his tone was almost questioning.

“How long ago?”

“Four hell maybe five months? We tried to call you right after it happened but none of us could find your number! So Mary dug through all of her papers just to find a journal that had your number written on it. Crazy right!” his tone was almost happy playful.

“Did you ever wonder why you don’t have my number?” it was almost painful to say as if she was single-handedly crushing his dreams.

“Not really. Just had to keep up with our city girl I guess?”

She bit the inside of her cheek that simply wasn't true “Really? You guys clearly want nothing to do with me! Not a letter or a call for five years! I’ve lived in the same place and kept the same number for three years! So why did you stop?”

“You’re our sister, of course, we want something to do with you!”

“Okay so if I told you something that I’ve hidden from you for hell maybe twenty years you would still ‘want something to do with me?’” this was a dangerous game to play but she couldn't just put up the act of a perfect daughter for her family.

“Of course!” Charlotte entered through the front door smiling ready to speak but she stalled when Cordelia raised a finger to her lip.

“Well, here she is.” Charlotte lifted an eyebrow “I’m a fag Cal, remember Charlotte from my last visit?” she didn’t wait for his answer “She’s my girlfriend has been for fourteen years. We live together and yes I do love her. She's one of the few family members I actually have.” that wasn't a lie meant to simply poke at her brother it was the truth no matter how painful that might be for him “Hell I’d marry her right now if anyone would let me! So do you still want something to do with me?”

“Goodbye Cee.”

“Goodbye Cal.” she took a breath laughing as she hung up “I'm not stepping a foot in Tennessee ever again.” 

* * *

 "Would you want any kids?” the question seemed to fit well enough they had been talking about what her god-parenthood actually meant.

Cordelia placed her hands under her thighs “I’m not sure, Charlotte loves kids, I don't like little little kids too much. It’s not really like we could, either way, Jason basically lives with us now.”

Marvin brushed the hair from his forehead “That’s not an answer.”

“Well yeah I guess.” she shrugged “The lesbians next door with their beautiful daughter Daisy.”

“Daisy?” it was a pretty name but strange as if it was a nickname rather than a legal name.

“Yeah. I always said I wanted to name my kids after a character from a classic book.”

“I never took you as much of a reader.”

“I’m not really. I mostly only read book Whizzer read, but I did always like ‘The Great Gatsby’ it’s the only book I’ve read more than once.” she couldn't really pinpoint why but it was short and she didn't mind the story.

“I can’t read a book just once, I always get bored and reread the book I was reading before.”

“I don’t doubt that at all.” she laughed “But what’s going on in your life I feel like we talk about everything else.”

Marvin tilted his just ever so slightly “That’s because I don’t really do anything. I mean works okay? It’s really nothing interesting. But what about you?”

“Well, I got my first returning customer.”

Marvin smirked, “Doubt it.”

“Ya know I just can’t cook Jewish food that’s it.” he rolled his eyes “I’m never cooking for you again.” she squinted her eyes.

“I can live with that.”

“Sure. Oh, I’ve also been trying to quit smoking but that’s so-so I don’t even know why I started? That was stupid to even do.”

“It was,” Marvin said rather bluntly.

She nodded agreeing “I’ve done too many stupid things.”

“So have I.”

“You’ve not done that stupid of things.” Cordelia seemed to disregard everything she knew about Marvin.

He laughed dully “Really? Do I need to list them?”

“Apples to apples, I have a stupid thing for every single one of yours!” Cordelia made a game out of her regrets so easily.

“Okay.” Marvin brushed hair out of his eyes again “Not getting a haircut yesterday.”

“Getting my hair cut at all.”

“You look good with short hair.”

“I’d look good bald.” Cordelia said with such an air of confidence “Going to college for teaching.”

“Not going to school for law.”

“Yeah, you’d make a good lawyer you’re just heartless enough.”

“I have a heart when I need to. I just haven’t needed one for you.”

“I’ve needed your heart a lot!” Cordelia took her hands from under her thighs “Okay I regret not talking to my Mom or my family more.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Well my Mom died, I wasn’t told for five months, and then I yelled about being a ‘fag’ to my brother who of course didn’t call again.”

Marvin pointed with the hand that wasn’t preoccupied with his cup “You’ve got me beat there.” 

* * *

 “Still no Christmas card?” Cordelia had been frowning while scaling through the mail.

“Worse.” she flashed a blue envelope “There is one.”

“Why is that worse?” Cordelia passed Charlotte her mail.

“Because it’s probably just full of ‘holier than thou’” she didn't really mean this.

“I thought Mary was the cool one?”

“She’s not exactly cool she just tolerates me.” Cordelia ripped the top of the envelope “Her family is cute though.” the photograph was of Mary with her husband’s arm wrapped around her shoulder her two kids smiled showing off missing teeth. She opened the card and couldn’t help but grin widely.

“What is it?” Charlotte returned the smile.

“It’s addressed to the both of us!” it was almost a relief for Cordelia to know that someone in her biological family wasn’t shutting her out. She began to read out loud “‘Dear Cordelia and Charlotte, I hope this letter finds you both very well! We’re wishing you both a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah’ Chanukah is spelt wrong ‘We’re excited to announce that we are expecting a baby girl in April! Hoping that the New Year brings new opportunities and happiness. Love you both! -Mary.’”

“She’s the sweetest thing isn’t she?”

“She really is.” Cordelia pinned the picture of Mary and her family next to the one of Mendel, Trina, and Jason. 

* * *

 “Open it!” Cordelia chirped moving her arms further into the sleeves of her sweater.

“You really didn’t have to get me anything.” Jason had already torn the wrapping paper slightly.

“Nonsense!” Charlotte said jokingly.

Jason tore the wrapping paper to reveal a cassette ‘Bowie’ was written in pointed blue letters “Oh.”

“Sorry if it’s not what music you like I can’t really keep up.” Cordelia waved her arms.

“No it’s perfect I’ll make sure to listen to it! Thank you!” Jason got up and hugged his godmothers.

“Thank you for thinking of him.” Trina smiled.

“Oh wait we got you guys something!” Cordelia dug into her tote bag.

“You really didn’t have to.” Mendel shook his head as Cordelia handed him a box.

“It’s fine you guys have been really kind to us this year.” Cordelia grabbed Charlotte’s hand “Either way it’s my first Chanukah with all of the family I kinda wanted to get everyone something!”

Mendel had already opened the box “Oh my god.” he held up a mug with ‘Mr.’ written boldly in cursive letters to which Trina had a matching ‘Mrs.’ one “This is actually so?”

Trina beamed “Perfect. Really thank you both.”

“You’re welcome.” Charlotte nodded.

The night slowly faded away and the couple strayed to return to their home.

“That was fun!” Cordelia buried her hands into her pockets.

“Mendel really liked those mugs.” Charlotte gave a toothy grin it was true the man loved anything that linked him to Trina.

“I got you something too ya know.”

“Really?” Charlotte and Cordelia didn’t exchange gifts often.

“Of course.” Cordelia pulled out a small velvet box and placed it in her hand “Charlotte Laura DuBois if someone decides we can will you marry me?”

“What?”

“Will you marry me?”

Charlotte nodded enthusiastically “Of course!” she wrapped her arms around Cordelia’s neck the closest thing she could get to a hug with her closed off posture. 

* * *

 “You guys are engaged?” Marvin had his head laid on the light wood of the kitchen table.

“I don’t know what’s so insane about this?”

He lifted his head crunched it at the sudden light “Like why even get engaged they’ll never legalize it.”

“So what? We don’t need it to be legally binding. Plus it's nice to have the optimism that hey maybe someday it'll happen.”

“That’s kinda sweet.” he put his head down.

“Do you need to take a nap?”

“Probably.”

“Then go back to your own apartment.”

“And make me walk through the snow?” Marvin gave a deep frown “Why would you be so cruel?”

“We’re actually in an apartment building? This isn’t the country you can walk the three feet.”

“I’m tired.”

“Sleep on the couch or go home I’m not gonna listen to you complain.”

“Delia laying down the law.” Marvin extended the ‘law’.

“Isn’t Jason’s birthday on the 15th?” Cordelia quickly changed the subject.

“Yeah, but he said that he didn’t want to celebrate it.” Marvin moved his hand.

“Don’t blame him.” 

* * *

 “You guys are engaged?” Trina seemed somewhat shocked.

“Yeah!” Cordelia brushed her hair behind her ear.

Trina closed her eyes briefly then opened them “I’m sorry, congratulations, Mendel’s just a lot better with the whole-”

“Gay thing?”

“Yeah.” Cordelia would never fully understand Trina or her problem with “The whole gay thing”, she would have fleeting moments of believing that she understood she told herself that it was because of Marvin or the way she was raised. But the truth was there was no full reason at least not one that was easy to articulate.

At least Cordelia was good at moving the conversation “I never could understand why anyone would like winter.” she took a sip of her jasmine tea from Mendel’s ‘Mr.’ mug “It’s fun until it snows.”

“I like the snow just not the aftermath.” Trina looked through the window that overlooked her backyard “I mean the slush is annoying, but the dog rolling around in the mud is more annoying.”

“You guys have a dog?” Cordelia had met the dog before, at one of Jason’s baseball games Mendel had brought her, she barked for most of the afternoon.

“Yeah, she’s Jason’s but she only likes Mendel I think it’s the beard.” Trina touched a hand to her left cheek.

“I think a lot of people like Mendel for his beard.” 

* * *

 “Are you guys doing anything for Valentine’s day?” Jason flipped a page of his book.

“Nah, Charlotte is usually working for Valentine’s day or we had made some other plans. Why?”

“Mom and Mendel usually go to dinner and leave me with Dad but I don’t want to bother him.” the truth was Jason wasn’t sure what his father would be like Marvin had always celebrated Valentine’s day with someone and this year he was alone by no movement of his own “I was wondering if I could stay here.” he scanned the page he had pretending to read.

“Yeah of course!” Cordelia felt like she needed to do something with her hands she ruffled the boy’s hair.

Trina had dropped Jason and thanked Cordelia a little too much for watching him. Jason had promptly sat on their couch as he dug through his backpack attempted to recover the book he had packed. So together they sat in the company of silence.

Until Cordelia broke it with a question that she could never seem to find the answer to “Is it possible to drink yourself to death?” Cordelia squinted at the wall.

“For someone who’s married to a doctor you don’t know anything medical.” to this Cordelia rolled her eyes “Yeah, it’s called alcohol poisoning.”

“That’s how I want to go out. I shouldn't be saying this to a fourteen-year-old.”

“That’s pretty punk.”

“Yeah I know.” she laughed.

“Do you only read?” Cordelia hung upside down from the stiff accent chair letting her hair hand below her.

“It’s interesting, but no I do more.” he flipped a page balancing head on his right fist.

“You could have done that at home.”

“My mom would never let me, she’s too worried that I’ll get kidnapped or something.”

“If I was a kidnapper I’d skip your house,” Cordelia stated matter-of-factly.

“You say that like you have experience.”

“Perhaps I do you don’t know my past.”

“I just assumed you appeared one day.” Jason joked.

“I mean I wouldn’t doubt it.” she pulled herself up “But no I was born like everyone else. Boring I know.” Jason gave a watery laugh.

“So anything interesting happen at work.” Cordelia pushed her food around her plate. 

* * *

 “Not really.” the woman moved her deep brown eyes to look at her fiancée “Jason came in though.”

“Oh god why?” she hoped for anything that wasn't serious.

“I had to set his nose.” she placed a finger on the bridge of her nose as if to demonstrate “From what I gathered from Trina he got beat up after school.”

“Poor kid.” her response seemed so disconnected but she'd call tomorrow to check in on him, ask him to invite her to help. 

* * *

 “Will you come to my graduation?” Jason asked craning his neck to look at Cordelia.

“Um duh! I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” she said almost teasingly.

“Thanks!” he wrapped his arms around her waist.

An eighth-grade graduation is a minor event for most families but for the Fuchs-Weisenbachfeld-DuBois family it was bigger; it was a milestone that they would all be together for. They had promised to meet just outside the school so they could sit together, Charlotte and Cordelia were the first ones there which was an uncommon event. The two waited a few minutes before spotting Mendel, Trina had trailed behind him her cherry brown hair pulled into a sleek high bun and even in the summer heat she wore long sleeves. They exchanged pleasantries until Marvin arrived wearing a t-shirt Cordelia could have sworn was Whizzer’s at some point. They entered the auditorium and sat elbow to elbow and when Jason’s name was called Cordelia cheered maybe just a little too loud.

Families were invited to stay for a picnic something that everyone was happy to attend, Jason and Charlotte had gone to get food for everyone and Trina and Mendel had strayed off somewhere leaving Marvin and Cordelia alone it wasn’t until now that Cordelia noticed how thin Marvin looked he was bordering on sickly.

“You look skinny.” Cordelia didn't think before she spoke to her comment Marvin raised an eyebrow.

“I’m fine.” it was Cordelia’s turn to raise her eyebrow “I would have told you if I wasn't. Really I just haven’t been hungry lately it happens.”

Cordelia pursed her lips “Are you sure?”

Marvin looked just to the distance “Look can we not do this now?” Cordelia spotted Jason marching up the hill beaming even with his bruised nose and cheek he looked so happy.

“We’ll need to talk about it at some point.” Marvin shifted awkwardly. Cordelia changed her tone with the turn of her head “There’s the freshman we were just talking about you!”

“Hi Delia!” he waved quickly making his way to the spot next to his father.

“You beat middle school!” she put his fist out for a bump and he returned it. For the rest of the afternoon the family sat together talking, laughing, and for the first time since the bar mitzvah, they were a family, not just six people strung together by the same grief but a family who happened to share a past tragedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Okay I'm almost done with rewrites I think I'm gonna be done after this round.


	14. Prelude in C Sharp Minor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason plays through his grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I'm revising

The mortality of one's parents is something that is not always realized at a young age. Parents are an immortal being who could carry the sun in one hand with little effort. But of course that is not the truth and it never can be, parents just like every other person will fall into the sea never to resurface. Jason had seemed to always know this fact but he had never expected to have to face it this soon. He shouldn't have to deal with this before twenty. This was adult in nature too mature of a concept for him, he was a kid and deserved to stay one.

“Is it true that you're gonna die?” Cordelia's answer although helpful was also wishy-washy, he needed something more concrete.

“Where did you hear that?” his father's voice grabbed some anger a tone he hadn't heard in months if not years.

“Cor.” Jason used the woman’s nickname to soften the blow.

“Okay.” Marvin purposefully avoided the question.

“Are you?” Jason demanded “I need a yes or no.” fluid responses served him no good now.

“Yes.” Marvin breathed, that single word caused Jason’s eyes to water he held in his tears not wanting to cry now or ever again “I’m sorry.”

An apology carried no worth he could do nothing with a sorry “That’s not enough.” Jason stood up and left to his room. 

* * *

 Adults tiptoeing around him was normal to Jason, only twice had an adult really sat him down to talk, Mendel for therapy and his father shortly after hitting his mother. A direct ‘talking to’ was foreign to Jason and to Trina. But here she was sitting at the kitchen table with her hand over Jason’s awkwardly forcing a smile something she hadn’t for him since he was about nine.

“So,” she folded her fists in her lap.

“So?” he lifted his eyebrows.

“I heard that you learned about well,” she twitched her mouth down “Your father.”

“And?” he shook his head again.

“Well, I’m sorry.” Yet again another apology as if that was going to right every wrong they had made “I’m sorry that we’ve put you through this. You deserve better.” stating that he deserved better than his life did nothing to help it “But I’m here to stay even if he can’t.”

“You don’t seem to want to.” to this Trina’s face went blank.

She nibbled at her lip “What I did-”

“Just say it.” she winced.

“What I did was not because of you.” she squeezed his hand “My mind just gets too busy sometimes. I let everything pile up for too long and I just thought the only way to get out of was that.” she was trying to be vague more friendly for his ears “If I had just gotten it through my head that I had another option I don't think I would have even considered it. Okay?” she smiled.

“Okay,” he mumbled pulling his arm away from her. 

* * *

 “You know how to knit?” Jason had been watching Cordelia knit for the past hour.

“Yeah.” she lifted one needle adjusting her position on the chair “It’s easy once you learn how to do it.” she paused her knitting “But that goes for most things.”

“What are you knitting?” Jason resting his elbow on the side of the couch.

“A scarf maybe I don’t really know.” she lifted her yarn.

“Isn’t it going to be warm in like two weeks.”

“Yeah but.” she stopped her thought “It’s always nice to have a scarf I guess.” she shrugged.

“How did you learn?”

“You seem really focused on knitting kid.”

“Just bored I guess.” Jason popped the ‘B’.

“Oh well, I don’t even remember my mom maybe?” Whizzer had been the one to teach her one night freshman year she honestly had forgotten this. Knitting much like Whizzer had inched itself to appear to have always been a part of herself.

_"I don’t understand how you can be good at this.” Whizzer frowned “You can barely write your name clearly but knitting comes so easily?”_

_“What can I say I have talented hands.” Cordelia smiled dropping her needles to wiggle her fingers._

_“You're stupid.” he rolled his eyes._

_“You're just mad that I'm better at this than you.” she grinned._

“Can I take a picture?” Jason reached into his bag.

Cordelia’s mind went blank for a few seconds trying to connect the words to Jason that sentence in Cordelia’s mind belonged to Whizzer “Yeah sure!” she smiled and the metallic click of the camera’s button signified that the picture had been taken and would soon be printed.

“Thanks, Cor!” he shook the Polaroid. 

* * *

 Flipping through family albums was always dull the pages were filled with a few photos here and there they never had too much character. Just his parents smiling unnaturally or a childhood photo of maybe Mendel here and there. Unlike Whizzer; his parents weren’t good historians their stories were spotty at best. He wished to take after Whizzer to have those stories at the tip of his fingers and to have the pictures to support said stories seemed like the best way to live. 

* * *

 Summer rolled around quickly as the days stretched on further his Mother’s anxieties for the new school year only grew. The question in her mind was never if Jason got bullied but when and her mind was set on eighth grade. But why now? Why start to care after twelve years of not? That was because even if Jason didn’t believe it Trina had always cared.

“Are you sure you want to take the bus this year?” Trina crossed her legs.

“It’s nothing Mom.” Jason leaned into the overstuffed couch.

“Can you walk home with somebody for at least a month.” she almost begged.

“Heather walks the other way and Michael gets a ride.” Jason was miffed at this point.

“Anyone else?” surely there was someone else Jason knew.

“No not unless you want me to walk home with like Cordelia.” he joked. But Trina nodded, Cordelia had walked with Jason for the last week of 7th grade mostly to quell Trina’s anxiety “Mom, no!”

“Just for the first month?”

“Will you drop it after.” he needed this to be finished.

Trina breathed out and closed her eyes “I’ll try.” 

* * *

 Jason had never truly seen his father cry, he had seen his father’s fits of rage, he had seen his father's happiness, but never crying. This is why this one Saturday night stood out in his mind.

Jason had left his room to get a glass of water he wasn’t sure what time. He was feeling his way down the textured wall he stopped just before walking leaving the long hallway he heard the white-noise of the tv was Marvin still awake? Listening closely he heard sobbing not loud or dramatic but soft like footsteps on carpet; barely there but just enough to make an impact.

He didn't get his glass of water simply turned around walking back to his room keeping his scratchy throat. 

* * *

 “You're not dressing up for Halloween?” Cordelia frowned.

“I haven’t for the past few years really.” he shrugged.

“I figured you loved Halloween.” Cordelia shrugged “I usually dress up.”

“And go where?” Jason had no real idea of what Cordelia did a lot of the time.

“Friend's places sometimes we used to go to parties but I'm too tired now. Usually, I just hand out candy. Charlotte and I used to go together though.” she smiled “Couple’s costumes ya know?”

“What are you guys dressing as this year?”

“We wanted to go as Popeye and Olive.” Charlotte was working this year and in all honesty, Cordelia had lost her interest in putting together their costumes.

“Cool.” Jason honestly had no idea what she meant. 

* * *

 “Are you sure you don’t want to do anything for your birthday?” why was she more interested in his birthday than him?

“Yes.” Jason rolled his eyes how he had already established the fact that he had no investment on a celebration.

“Not even just a family event?” why was his Mother so set on something this stupid?

“No nothing,” he answered flatly.

“Then it shall be the year of no birthdays.” Thank god for Mendel he bookended the conversation. 

* * *

 The drowning feeling had all but left Jason, he slept well most nights now spare for occasional insomnia filled nights but those were always there right? It was on one of those sleepless nights that Jason walked down to the kitchen he wasn’t sure why. Perhaps he would make himself tea, no he hated tea, maybe he’s just sit in the breakfast nook and wait for the sun to rise. This plan was tarnished by Mendel’s residence in the kitchen, he was sitting at the on the counter reading some book he didn’t seem to be aware of Jason’s presence. Jason stood there just standing should he leave? He tried to turn but his feet forgot how and so he was still, breathing.

“Mendel?” Jason asked breaking the silence.

The man grew flustered and almost dropped his book “Oh Jas! Ya scared me kid!” he whispered recovering from his shock.

“Sorry.” Jason moved further into the hallway style kitchen “Why are you down here?” Jason hoisted himself onto the sleek countertop to be just askew from his father.

“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I read.” he lifted his book almost to show proof that he was, in fact, reading “Why are you down here?” the phrase sounded almost as if they were in prison and Mendel was asking what Jason was ‘in for’.

“Same thing well minus the book I guess.” Mendel closed his book dog-earring the corner.

“So how are ya kid?” the words sounded distant as if they came from an uncle from your Father's side who hasn't seen you in decades.

Jason didn’t enjoy being put on the spot like this “Um- Good.”

“That’s good.” the conversation was so dull.

“How about you?”

“Oh good just stressed, but when am I not I guess?” Mendel shrugged, Jason used to be better at conversation still shit but better nonetheless. Mendel returned to reading his book, Jason got a glass of water and left to go upstairs. 

* * *

 “You have a dog?” Heather seemed almost too excited about the prospect of someone else’s dog.

“Yeah,” Jason said in almost a questioning tone.

She smiled widely and placed a strip of her black hair behind her back “What’s her name?”

“Martha.”

To this, Heather laughed “Who names their dog Martha?”

“She’s a Martha!” Jason defended himself “Either way she’s not that nice or anything.”

“I for one have never met a ‘not nice’ dog.” Heather defended a dog she had never met with such fierceness as if that dog had been her only friend when she was a child.

“You can go meet her.” Jason invited Heather to his home almost without thinking about it “Then you’ll see she’s not that nice.”

“I will.” she nodded “Does after school work?” Heather pitched.

“Sure.”

Jason walked home with Heather the next day who seemed still a bit too excited about the mutt, when they entered the three-bedroom his mother was in the kitchen cooking something, she was wearing casual wear obviously not expecting company, when they had company she dressed in long sleeves something a little more formal but she was wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

“Hey, Mom!” Jason called from the foyer “Heather wants to know if she can meet the dog.”

“Who would want to meet the dog?” the feeling of indifference towards the dog was mutual “But yeah of course!”

Martha often stayed in the backyard for the warmer months unless Mendel would cave into her scratching at the door and let her in. The moment Heather saw the mutt she gasped almost theatrically “She’s so cute!”

“I’ll give you that.” Jason placed a hand in his pocket. Heather played with the dog for what must have been an hour before standing up.

“I should probably get home.” she slung her book bag over her shoulder.

“Oh okay.” Jason scratched the back of his head.

“Thanks by the way.” she wrapped her arms around Jason’s neck. 

* * *

 Cordelia laughed at Jason’s rather failed joke smiling after. It wasn’t that the smile was fake no it was clearly real but it was the smile itself that poked at Jason, it had changed within the past two years. See the woman used to smile with her whole face, with the large smile she often squinted her eyes as her cheeks pushed them up. Jason hadn't noticed until now. Had it always been like this? Was he simply making a situation out of thin air?

Charlotte walked through the door and mumbled something to the extent of “Hi honey, hey Jas.” and then left for the bedroom.

“Sorry, she’s always tired after work.” Cordelia felt like she had to apologize for some reason.

“No no it’s fine I understand.” 

* * *

 A push to the chest and a kick to his face alerted Jason to the fact that this was not a battle he was going to win. So he did all he could think about; nothing. The repeated use of the word ‘fag’ was not lost on him, they had no way of knowing that family secret but that word still seemed to point to him. Insults and names were thrown at him and he threw nothing back. After minutes of repeated abuse, they finally left him alone. Jason laid there until the boy’s voices were gone then he got up wincing at the pain that shot through his hip and to his shoulder. He limped home hoping nobody would be home then he could come up with a story of why he looked like, well whatever he looked like it couldn’t be pretty. Fuck Mendel’s car was parked outside why would he be home? Fuck it was their anniversary, wasn’t it? Jason rethought his strategy he could just run to his room? Did he really have a choice, did he? His plan would have worked if he didn’t freeze if his feet had just ran but he froze at his mother’s voice.

“Jason?” she called from the kitchen, he didn’t answer she walked out into the living room “Jason what happened?” fuck she was worried she placed two delicate hands on his shoulders “Are you okay.”

Jason’s eyes didn’t water but he did feel like crying “I’m” he paused “I’m okay.” he lied unconvincingly.

“Mendel.” why was she calling for him? “Oh god look at your nose.” Jason hadn’t noticed the bleeding but he was bleeding profusely.

“That looks broken.” Mendel confirmed Trina’s fears “We should probably get you to someone.”

“Okay.” Jason was swept away in a rush of panic and ice packs, he hated how panicked his Mother got because of this her eyes were wide and her breathing was heavy it was all Jason could do but to ask her to just calm down. Charlotte set his nose in place which was the most uncomfortable and physically painful experience of his life. After they got home he simply pulled himself to his room with the intention of waking up the next day and going to school.

There were many downsides to having a bedroom directly next to your parents for Jason the biggest one was their conversations. Words may have gotten lost through the wall but he could still make them out, most of the time they were small never about him or someone he really cared about. But tonight set a different scene, they were discussing him.

“We can't send him back.”

“Then where would he go?”

His Mother breathed out “I don't know but is he even safe there anymore?”

“Do you think this is the first time?”

“He would've told us if it wasn't.” she placed her trust squarely in his palm.

“If it's the first time maybe he'll be fine.”

“But if it's not then we're just sending him into a trap.”

“He has less than a month left.”

“That doesn't help.” he could hear her Mother rest her head against the wall “What if we send him back and it's more than a broken nose next time?”

“It can't get worse.”

“Yes it can.” she closed her eyes “I knew we should've stopped letting him walk alone.”

The next morning his ribs crushed in on themselves making every breath seem like a kick to his lung, his hips were bound together only by pain his legs shot up in a fiery pain with every step together these two injuries seemed to do nothing but hold him from returning to school. If he had just done that it would have proved that their kicks and taunts meant nothing. 

* * *

 “I think you look kinda cool like a boxer.” Michael joked as he put his fists up imitating a blocking position.

“Are you going to look like that for graduation.” Heather kept her eyes on her paper.

“Do I really have a choice?” Jason pushed his glasses further up the bridge of her nose.

“I mean you could try makeup?” Heather suggested, she, of course, did not know the full story but the suggestion wasn’t the best getting beaten up for being a fag then wearing makeup to graduation wasn’t going to go over well with whoever his attackers were “I mean it wouldn’t get rid of the swelling.” she paused thinking “Or cover the bruises that well.”

“So what would be the point of it?” Michael challenged.

“No one knows,” Heather said in a jokey mysterious voice. 

* * *

 “All I’m saying is who has an eighth-grade graduation?”

“Like every middle school.” it was true almost every middle school in the district was having one “Are you going to come or not?” Jason had become used to being the kid with one parent at every event too early, inviting Marvin became a second thought.

“I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Marvin smiled pouring himself a cup of coffee. 

* * *

 Jason felt as if he had burst into an invite-only event he wasn’t welcome in his own home, no this was a classy event and he did not belong. Sat at the piano was Mendel in all his wiry glory playing ‘Prelude in C Sharp Minor’ his fingers gilded not missing a single note. Jason fixed his eyes on the man he couldn’t help but listen. Then the notes abruptly stopped, cutting it's ties from the two simply to fly away into the air. Jason hoped it wasn’t because of him that the man had stopped because of a hand cramp or something of the sorts.

“It was nice.” he piped up catching the man off guard.

“Thank you!” the stringy man flashed a smile.

“I didn’t know you played.”

“I don’t flaunt it.” the man shrugged it was true Mendel had mostly learned to play for himself. 

* * *

 At the graduation, Jason looked into the audience fully expecting to see only Cordelia and maybe Trina. He knew he shouldn’t have been shocked to see the entire family but he was. Most sat almost stoic except for Marvin and Cordelia who were cheering maybe just a little too much. Though Cordelia was boarding on sports fan she was almost out of her chair a large smile plastered on her face.

“Are you going anywhere this summer?” Heather skipped down the pavement freed from the weight of her backpack.

“Not really I think we’re going to Connecticut to visit Mendel’s family.” Jason looked chained to the concrete compared to Heather who had progressed to leaping.

“Wanna come to my birthday party?” Jason was slightly shocked he had never been invited to someone’s house let alone a party “It’s like July fifteenth?” she wasn’t confident in her words.

“Sure!” Jason smiled showcasing his braces.

“Great see you there!” Heather trotted away from Jason catching up to another group of girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I play the piano and autoharp that's a fun fact. Also do eighth grade graduations exist are they a thing? I hope so


	15. See I'm Smiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trina smiles again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to write faster. That's my one conclusion but hey I started using grammarly so hopefully, this is comprehensible

Scars, ugly and red scars laced their way up her arms and died just before the bend of her elbow a constant reminder that she was capable of the unthinkable. She had brought this up to Mendel who easily dodged her comments, it was a touchy subject for both of them. 

“That’s normal.” Mendel stated “Most survivors” that word ‘Survivor’ as if she had overcome something that wasn’t herself “Don’t like having scars. But some do learn to embrace them in a way kind of a patch of what they’ve been through ya know?” the man moved his hands as he spoke so sporadically.  
  
“And the rest of those ‘some’?”  
  
“Well let’s try to not focus on that.” Mendel dodged the question Trina didn’t press on.

* * *

 Jason, Charlotte, and Mendel disappeared to go do something almost too nondescript, behind them they left the odd trio; Cordelia, Trina, and Marvin. It seemed like an awkward grouping but they worked well together, that is to say, conversation flowed well between the three. Nothing important came up, nothing of impact, the kind of conversation Trina had missed no one trying to analyze anything deeper within herself, it was refreshing. But when Cordelia excused herself from the table Marvin had to change that like he had changed so much.  
  
“I’m just surprised you invited me I guess.” He shrugged.  
  
“Why?” she put her glass down.  
  
“I don’t know I just assumed you hated me.”  
  
“Even if” she accented the ‘if’ “I did I would have still invited you it’s a family occasion.  
  
“Do you?” his voice for the first time towards Trina was almost vulnerable.  
  
“God, you never do get context clues do you?” Marvin gave a half-hearted smirk “I don’t hate you. But I also don’t love you.” Why did that hit him square in the chest? He knew Trina didn’t love him, why would she? “We work on a plain of tolerance.”  
  
“Do you think we always worked on that level?”  
  
“I don’t know. I mean the first two years of our marriage were great, the next two were okay, then the rest was just horrible.”  
  
“It’s kinda funny to be talking about it now.”  
  
“I guess” she smiled ever so slightly “I mean it’s been two maybe three years? I don’t think we talked at all when it actually happened.” they didn’t say divorce it seemed unnecessary.  
  
“Oh god, where has the time gone?”  
  
“Who knows?” Trina pulled at the end of her sweater.

* * *

A haircut seemed so minor in hindsight but at the moment it relieved the feeling of going in circles for Trina. Curls gently fell to the ground as the pointed metal of her scissors tore through them. She had promised herself that she would grow her hair out, and for the most part, she succeeded her hair had reached mid-back before she had gotten fed up with her appearance again. Her near ginger hair now fell just below her chin resembling the classical flapper hairstyle. She hated it on herself but there wasn’t anything she could do about it.

* * *

_"Why did you even cut it in the first place?” Marvin pressed his question again._  
  
_“Because I wanted to” she scrunched the bottom of her hair “It’s not a crime.”_  
  
_“I never said it was.” Marvin got defensive too quickly._  
  
_“You act like it is.” Trina considered leaving but she continued the argument “You act like everything I do is some sort of travesty.”_  
  
_“Your decisions aren’t exactly the best one.”_  
  
_She rolled her eyes to an almost exaggerated extent “Fuck you.”_

* * *

She hadn’t considered what Mendel would think. Would he think anything about this? It was a haircut a simple fucking haircut and yet she found her mind racing over what he would. Her stress was anticlimactic he had simply kissed her cheek and commented that he liked it and how she looked good. Was that really it? Why was she so worried about that?

* * *

Sleepless nights were normal to Trina, the house was just crawling with insomnia, but nowadays it seemed to be only her who couldn’t sleep. She had been tucked under Mendel’s arm for hours now without sleep crawling over her body, was it cold in here or was that just her? I must have been just her how could Mendel sleep in a room this cold? Was this even real? Maybe she was just dreaming but no dream felt this real, maybe they did and she was just being stupid again like she always was. But the cold was so real even buried underneath the heat of many blankets she was freezing alive. Then almost too suddenly a fire overtook her body a literal heat not a metaphorical one of something stupid like passion.

* * *

“I think it might just be a fever.” Mendel pulled his curls with one bony hand.  
  
“I’m fine really.” Trina lied she felt awful but at this point, Mendel was starting to look worse than her “You’ve been awake too long.” Trina wasn’t sure when Mendel had woken up or even what time it was but if the dark circles around his eyes indicated anything it was that he had barely slept, Trina had woken him up early in the morning after all.  
  
“I can run perfectly fine on two hours of sleep.” it was true.  
  
“That doesn’t mean you should.” Trina thought for a second; Where was Jason? It wasn’t the weekend, was it? “What day is it?”  
  
“The 27th.” Mendel released his hair.  
  
“I mean the day of the week.”  
  
“It’s Tuesday.” Mendel paused then anticipated her response “Jason made it to school though.”  
  
“Oh good. Shouldn’t you be at work though?”  
  
“Yeah, but I kinda called off.” he scratched the back of his neck.  
  
“Mendel!” the tone his wife used was as if she was scolding him for skipping school.  
  
“I know I have patients and stuff. But I didn’t want to leave you alone.” He had moved to sit just below her feet Trina wasn’t used to this; to Mendel caring. He had nothing to gain from loving her and yet here he was missing a day of work because she had something as simple as a fever. Three years wasn’t long enough for Trina to fully understand, hell it would take her the next decade to come to peace with his love.  
  
He grabbed her hand and gave it a slight squeeze “You should go before you catch it.”

“Oh yeah!” he began to back out of the room “Just call if you need anything!” he twisted his head to look back the corner of his mouth twisted into a grin.

* * *

Trina didn’t like thinking about Whizzer it had been almost two years but digging through his photos was rather entertaining, they of course, for the most part, didn’t have him in frame just Jason or Marvin with the occasional Cordelia. But one had to sneak him in; one Trina had taken. Together stood the family with the exception of herself all smiled brightly except for Whizzer, Whizzer hadn’t smiled through his time in the hospital. No that wasn’t true there was one small moment where he smirked at Trina.  
  
_“What’s going on in that head of yours?” the sentence sounded childish on Whizzer’s end._  
  
_“Just everything I guess?”_  
  
_“It’s kinda a lot.” Whizzer paused “What’s your favorite color?” the question had honestly come out of nowhere but it was one of those small details that Whizzer grabbed onto so easily._  
  
_“Pink.” the answer was simple._  
  
_“Like bright?” the sentence seemed to be lacking._  
  
_“No more of a light pink, like you just barely added a dab of red to some white paint.”_  
  
_“That’s nice.”_  
  
_“What’s yours?” she tried to keep the conversation alive._  
  
_“Yellow.” he paused moving his head to look at the ceiling “Like sunflower yellow. It reminds me of Cordelia.”_  
  
_“Is it because it reminds you of Cordelia?”_  
  
_“Kinda it’s always nice to think of her.” he shrugged “Yellow also reminds me of Jason.” it wasn’t the same poppy yellow of Cordelia but a more mature gold the very color of old book pages._  
  
_“Blue always reminds me of him.” she pulled at the hem of her skirt “Robin’s egg blue it was the color of his nursery.” that was another small fact that fascinated Whizzer._  
  
_“What was it like when he was born?” Whizzer used the nursery as a jumping off point._  
  
_“Scary. I mean I was 20 and suddenly pregnant and married.” Whizzer often forgot how old Trina was, while he was in college partying Trina was on Staten Island changing diapers “I mean Marvin was more ready but he was also older than me and when Jason was finally born I hadn’t had a full breath for months and then suddenly when I got to hold him for the first time I looked at his little pink face and all the chaos just clicked.”_

* * *

“Marvin?” So he had finally plugged his phone back in.  
  
“Yeah it’s me,” he confirmed.  
  
“Okay.” Why would he be calling now, well at all really?  
  
“I just wanted to apologize?”  
  
“Did you do something?” an apology didn’t seem to be owed.  
  
“I mean I did a lot to you?”  
  
Trina tried to reflect “Not in recent memory really.”  
  
“I- Why are you so nice to me?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“You brought me food and offered to let me stay at your place if the apartment was too much. I hit you and the next day you called to see if I was okay.” she hadn’t called to see if he was okay per say she had called to see if he had calmed down “Then I cheated on you, when you called me on my shit I acted like you were in the wrong. Not to mention the fact that I got angry when you found someone to actually love you.”  
  
“That’s all in the past.” in her mind Trina had moved on from Marvin, she hadn’t of course not fully at least.  
  
“That doesn’t make it better.” He was almost annoyed that she was forgiving him.  
  
“It doesn’t really matter.” she sighed and shook her head “We’re both different people now.”  
  
“You’re unbelievably forgiving.”  
  
“What can I say? That’s just who I am.”

* * *

Jason had joined Cordelia and Trina at the table after school and promptly buried his head in a book.  
  
“So how is school?” the question was rather basic on Cordelia’s end considering that she asked it almost every day.  
  
“Good,” Jason responded flatly.  
  
“Anyone interesting?”  
  
“Nope.” Jason didn’t look up.  
  
“He likes that Heather girl!” Trina smiled widely and elbowed the boy in the shoulder.  
  
“Wh-No I don’t!” Jason’s frowned deeply.  
  
“You seem awfully defensive for someone who doesn’t.” Trina lifted her eyebrows.  
  
“I don’t!” he squeaked.  
  
“Sure.” Cordelia ruffled his hair.

* * *

Love had never come easy to Trina, it seemed too complicated for any human to even begin to understand. But then there was Mendel, he floated through this love thing with so little effort, he could make her heart melt with a look, make her miss him after an hour of not seeing him, he could say the most seemingly poetic things with ease.  
  
“I’d give you the stars and the moon.”  
  
Why was she so useless in this? Why did she have to stumble when he could glide on the ice so easily? For that reason she rarely brought up personal insecurities, Mendel could talk for hours about his problems but if she even mentioned a small problem guilt filled her chest. Mendel wouldn’t care if she did he wasn’t Marvin but then again she had barely tested the waters it seemed almost impossible to though when was she supposed to burst out that she felt worthless or that she wasn’t learning to love her scars but the opposite, there was never time unless she made it herself a prospect that the woman would never fully grasp.

* * *

 “How did Mendel propose?” Charlotte had barely talked to Trina but her marriage seemed like an easy topic.  
  
“Barely. We hadn’t even been officially dating and then he just stumbles through a proposal it took me a good week before agreeing.”  
  
“That seems oddly fitting.”  
  
Trina grabbed her new mug a little tighter “It was.”  
  
Trina didn’t hate homosexuals she simply didn’t like Marvin the two were different, but hating and not fully comprehending were two different things. How could she? After being raised to believe that there was one option and anyone who dared to choose another weren’t sane and then suddenly being thrust into that second option by her supposedly straight husband? But Trina wanted to believe that she wasn’t her upbringing. But one can never truly shake their upbringing sure you can grow as a person but there would always that slight pang on the side of her head when Cordelia and Charlotte kissed or when she found a picture of Marvin and Whizzer hugging and beaming.  
  
She didn’t mean to sound rude when asking about their engagement but according to Cordelia’s face she did. Guilt crept into her head with the furrow of Cordelia’s brow. “I’m sorry, congratulations, Mendel’s just a lot better with the whole-”  
  
“Gay thing?” Those weren’t the exact words Trina was looking for, her words would have been less blunt but Cordelia wasn’t wrong Mendel was better at the ‘gay thing’ he was easy to accept and quick to learning, a trait Trina believed she would never progress in. Perhaps she wouldn’t and her tolerance was simply a ruse a distant cousin of her smiles. There were moments where she believed that her whole problem with the ‘Gay thing’ was caused by Marvin in someway.

* * *

_"So you’re a fag?” she folded her arms._  
  
_“Trina-” Marvin put his arms out as he attempted to begin to explain._  
  
_“That better be followed by an answer and not some fucking excuse.” Marvin scrunched his mouth “Are you?”_  
  
_“Well, kinda.”_  
  
_Trina scoffed and moved her head up and over slightly “Do you even work with him?” for once she wanted the truth, not some weird twist of whatever truth that Marvin had convinced himself of._  
  
_“Not really.” he attempted to soften the blow not using the hard word of ‘no’._  
  
_“Jesus Christ Marvin! I’m gonna guess that you were seeing him instead of ‘staying late at the office’” he nodded “Fuck you!” there weren’t any words to find just an overwhelming anger. Marvin grabbed his jacket “Let me guess you’re going out?” the almost infuriated woman called she had become so used to this old routine._  
  
_That night Marvin wasn’t home his place in bed was filled with the empty smoothness of the sheets. Throughout the empty house, the mechanical ring of the kitchen phone called echoing off the walls, it would stop on its own surely. But it didn’t it was going to wake up Jason if it wailed any longer. The cool tiles of the kitchenette froze Trina to her core she picked up hearing an all too familiar voice of her husband’s well whatever he was to Marvin._  
  
_“Trina?”_  
  
_“Marvin’s not here.” the voice Whizzer had become so accustomed to warm and motherly like home-baked goods had since vanished._  
  
_“I know, he’s here.”_  
  
_“Okay.” she didn’t want to talk to this man why was he bothering?_  
  
_“I just want to apologize.”_  
  
_“For what?”_  
  
_“For ya know the whole Marvin thing. I swear I didn’t know he was married.”_  
  
_Trina dropped her politeness “Yup because everyone just eats dinner with their ex-wife's. I don’t want to hear this.”_  
  
_“Oh okay.” at least Whizzer knew when to drop things_.

* * *

It had all burst out one night everything her scars, Whizzer, her selfishness, just everything that had crowded her mind for so long and Mendel had just nodded and listened why was he so understanding? He shouldn’t have been there was something deeply broken about Trina and he was just okay with it all? Perhaps she had found someone to love her truly and Mendel had no ulterior motives there was no malice behind his smiles his kisses weren’t lies they simply were. She had expected her outburst to be the end of the day everything else would be calm but it was only two p.m, the day clearly was not over. Trina hadn’t been watching the clock so Jason’s lateness didn’t come to mind until he slumped through the door and froze if he hadn’t frozen she wouldn’t have turned around and he would have been able to hide his injuries for just an hour more. Jason’s face bordered on gruesome a bloody nose and a swelling eye accented his red cheeks this wasn’t an accident clearly no these injuries were intentional.  
  
“I’m- I’m okay.” Jason was never a good liar at that moment he wished he was there was an odd sinking feeling when his mother’s face twisted down in fear.  
  
Mendel would know what to do “Mendel!” she examined his face closer “Oh god your nose.” she trailed off wanting to embrace her son she held back fearing that she would hurt him.  
  
Her husband turned the corner his face showing a lower degree of shock “That looks broken.” the man confirmed his wife’s fear “We should get you to the ER”.

* * *

Jason’s middle school graduation was something that seemed so pointless to get excited over but the entire family would be there surely that was something to be delighted about. Even in the New York summer heat Trina opted to hide her scars this was a family event and god knows who would be there. When Jason walked on stage she simply clapped which looked almost lethargic compared to Cordelia. For those few hours, the seeming caricature of a family was convincing as a six-person unit, in this six-person unit they would and had never been enough room for a seventh person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAGGGGNNNSSSSTTT hahaha okayy so Mendel is next and I'm gonna try to get it out faster than like half a month. Also I'm drawing currently so that's cool.


	16. I'm Not Afraid of Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mendel has to deal with feeling again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooooooaaaaah a new chapter? Whaaaaaaat? Who is she?

‘Watching family collapse around you’ is a phrase that seems to depict some horror of war but it hit rather close to Mendel currently at least, sure they weren’t too functional before but dinners were kept screaming match free, most nights were spent sleeping, and the painful sound of sobs weren’t the backdrop to the house. Mendel wasn’t sure his position in this situation, it was clear that Whizzer’s death wasn’t the only reason for all of this but rather the first domino to fall in a long sequence of events that would soon topple over Mendel, he could feel it in his chest it was something close to the anxiety that bubbles in one’s chest when standing at the edge of a mountain, your eyes trace the edge that would be so easy to fall off it’s a call into the void almost knowing that you can slip into something easier but always catching yourself before you do.

* * *

 Trina was clearly not okay it’s almost impossible for anyone to be okay after that; it was funny Mendel had been meeting with patients for at least twelve years and only now was he struggling with the concept of suicide even thinking of the word would cause his stomach to sink and a dullness to creep over the back of his head. In short, it wasn’t an uncomfortableness with the concept of suicide but the concept of Trina being driven to it. But the man desperately needed to help watching one you love slowly fall back to the ground while you only seem to soar is the one thing that truly seemed to itch at Mendel the one thing that could truly break him. Break wasn’t the right word there but maybe it was second-guessing his word choice within his own thoughts seemed rather silly and yet he continued thinking was “break” used in the right context there or was there a better word that could easily take its place? There wasn’t for all the time he went over the sentence no one would hear, a sentence Mendel would never speak. Maybe he just wasn’t meant to help maybe he had beaten his own path and the real one lead to being a concert pianist and he had simply strayed away from his true destiny. But that was stupid it was far too late to even consider a new life.

“What am I gonna do now?” Trina pulled at her temple.

“I’m not sure maybe tell him the truth?” Mendel suggested.

“No Marvin already did that.” she sighed pulling her chin from her temple to rest under the bottom of her chin.

“Then just sit him down and talk. This whole thing has to be a lot for a kid.” Sure Jason was mature beyond his age but he was also only thirteen adults couldn’t even make sense of this epidemic let alone a teenager.

“Do you think that’ll work?”

“We can only hope.”

* * *

 Cordelia was an odd client to have, sure she and Mendel weren’t close so a discussion of her problems seemed like a large escalation. She sat cross-legged on the faux leather couch that was planted firmly against the marmalade wall that seemed to anchor the rest of the room.

“So what brings you to my office?” the man absentmindedly tapped the top of his yellow notepad.

Cordelia smiled awkwardly “Well Charlotte said I should come so here I am.” she moved her arms into a shrug.

“Any specific reason she suggested therapy?” Cordelia winced inwardly she hated that word it wasn’t for a specific reason or at least one she couldn’t find in herself. “Well,” she let out a flustered breath “Charlotte was concerned because I brought up ‘the void’.” It seemed like an oddly ambiguous statement almost ominous

“The void?” Mendel asked for clarification.

Cordelia pointed with a limp hand to her chest “Right around here feels empty sometimes, I mean like most of the time? I don’t really count the time.”

“Do you remember a specific time that this started?”

“College maybe? It was better then.”

_Cordelia hadn’t meant to drink as much as she did that night but her heavy intoxication wasn’t lost on the woman. She was slumped against one of the two chairs Whizzer owned, she had purposefully gotten the one with the back._

_“Do you ever feel like empty.” she squinted slightly the light that hung over what he had claimed to be a dining table in his studio seemed to be a little too bright._

_“I mean not really?” Whizzer squinted back he had only partially understood the woman’s question “Do you?”_

_“Sometimes.” she would later regret opening up about any of this everything seemed to shift in Whizzer’s understanding of her after that fateful night in mid-September “Like it’s a weird empty like I’m not fulfilling some task but I have no idea what task I have to fulfill.”_

_“That’s weird.” Whizzer wasn’t sure what to say he was an art major, not a physiatrist and definitely not someone who felt capable of helping in this situation._

“How so?” Mendel had jotted something down on his notepad.

“It was just smaller, easier to contain.” The man nodded his hair didn’t move a fact Cordelia noted almost every time she met the man.

“Did this come up at any other time?”

“Not really when Charlotte and I moved in together maybe three years ago?” Cordelia was never sure if it was two years or three, maybe it was four? But out of caution and pride, she never asked Charlotte who certainly knew.

“Have you ever brought this up to her?”

“Only recently which is what lead to all of this.”

“Anything specific that could have triggered this?”

_Moving in with Charlotte was the right choice she knew that, but Cordelia couldn’t help but feel that just maybe the right choice wasn’t the best choice. After years of living on her own the woman seemed to settle into domestic life rather easily it was just her and her doctor, but no that wasn’t the problem being domestic wasn’t the reason she was fine with that even a little happy about it. The thing that seemed to scratch at her was that it was her and ‘her doctor’ a doctor is what she had managed to settle down with. It was a relief in many ways she had settled down with a woman, a smart, funny, beautiful woman but that woman also seemed to soar so high above her that she could easily drop Cordelia without a second glance. Charlotte would often lament about how great her life was that she had a great job and a lovely girlfriend but Cordelia couldn’t help but doubt her words. Why her?_

Cordelia shrugged something that she easily picked up during this one session “Charlotte maybe? Just her being with me.” the woman’s inflection on the latter part of the sentence turned up to ask if it were a question.

* * *

 Midnight came and passed easily and seemed to leave Mendel behind in the stillness of the night there was fleeting moment of noise and something close to movement from a moving car but those were all too far and in-between. Why did the night always seem to neglect him, when others could so easily pass him time should be the one to stay. But much to his dismay time dropped him so easily. Maybe going downstairs would help? It couldn’t hurt he wasn’t doing much sleeping here. The stillness of the family kitchen was off-putting in a way the absence of most if not all energy seemed so out of place. He pulled himself onto the counter it was possibly the worst place to have perched himself but he sat on the hard surface nonetheless the stove light was turned on making casting the room in an orange light which made reading the small print of his book rather difficult. Perhaps it was because of his investment in his own reading that he didn’t seem to notice the presence of his son who stood at the front of the hallway style kitchen.

“Mendel?” Mendel finally broke his attention with his book turning it to the other figure in the room who had caught him off guard.

“Oh, Jas! You scared me kid!” he closed his book folding his newly empty hands.

“Sorry.” Jason mirrored the man’s perch sitting slightly askew on the other side of the counter space

“Why are you down here?” Jason rubbed his eyes his head shaking slightly.

“I couldn’t sleep. Thought I would read.” he lifted his book almost to prove that his reading was planned “Why are you down here?”

“Same thing, well minus the book.” Mendel folded the page of his book and closed it, the conversation was in a low even though it had only seemed to start

“So kid, how have ya been?” “Um- good?” there wasn’t material to be discussed with that question at least not this early in the day.

“That’s good.” this conversation seemed to be one from a family reunion one that you have with a distant family member, not your step-father.

“How have you been?”

“Oh good just stressed” that seemed like oversharing on his part “but when am I not?” it seemed better to make a joke out of the moment than an actual discussion. After what seemed like an eternity of silence Mendel returned to his book and Jason soon left the kitchen. After discovering that the sun was rising Mendel decided to finally go upstairs.

* * *

 Keith was still fairly secretive towards Mendel facts of his life before the cramped hospital room was fair and few between he seemed to favor Mendel monologuing or simply no speaking at all. It was clear that much like Whizzer; Keith was not getting better and would not get better. Mendel would once again have to watch somebody slip away. Keith reminded Mendel of Whizzer but only slightly they had the same tone of voice when they joked, the same smile, but where Whizzer seemed to soar within the realm of a conversation Keith seemed rather uninterested it wasn’t that he was rude he just didn’t seem to enjoy conversation. The only conversation he did seem to be interested in was one of shoeing Mendel away and wanting to keep his distance and gain Keith’s trust in the process. Mendel remembers the day Kevin finally talked oddly vividly, wind and rain had whaled against the windows of the darkened hospital room, rain was normal it was spring after all but not this violent. Keith had cleared his throat and Mendel prepared to leave reviewing what he had brought in the first place. But the words that left his lips were anything but.

“You lost someone too right?” Mendel nodded “Can you remind me of who?”

Mendel once again nodded “He was in my family kinda.”

“Oh yeah wife’s ex-husband!” he almost got it right.

“Close ex-wife’s ex-husband’s boyfriend.” he gave a watery chuckle.

“That sounds complicated.”

“Not really husband leaves for another man I swoop in then boom four years later one tight-knit family.”

“So it’s you guys and the kid?” Keith remembered Jason even though it must have been months since Mendel had even mentioned him.

“And the lesbian neighbors.”

“God you guys sound like Reagan's worst nightmare!” there was that tone that made Mendel remember Whizzer so much the smile that creased his face and made his eyes slim.

“I mean a lot of people do.”

“I can name a few-”

“You?” Mendel proposed nervously.

“The queers are teaching children now! What hell are we living in?” Keith put on a thick southern accent and placed a delicate hand on his chest.

* * *

 Mendel’s heart shouldn’t have sunk every time Trina seemed to walk on eggshells around herself always brushing off any of Mendel’s questions. There was a distinct difference between not wanting to share and not letting yourself and it was clear that Trina was not letting herself. So Mendel didn’t talk either perhaps together they could live in an odd silence and so together they danced an odd tango. This dance continued for a few months until the music abruptly stopped. Trina broke away from the duet, the silence is over with one question

“Am I a bad person?”

“What? No.” his voice trembles in a place it didn’t mean to “Why?”

“I just feel like I am constantly the worst person in a room. As if everyone else is just on another level that I can never reach and it will always be that way.”

“Have you considered that it’s not like that?” Trina blinked shaking her head.

“I have but it just can’t be like that, my life just can’t be like that.” Mendel went to interject but couldn’t find any words

“Like you, you’re simply amazing you can make me feel like an amazing person even when I’m really not.”

“So do you. You can make me reconsider any choice I have ever made because you brought in so much colour into my life you brought a family!” Mendel smiled but Trina’s face was blank.

“A family that I tried to leave.”

“Trin.”

“No I tried to leave and now everyone just seems fine! Why? They shouldn’t be okay with me anymore, Jason especially I know he’s not okay but he just won’t trust me anymore and I don’t blame him.”

“So you’re blaming yourself?”

“Who else can I blame.” Mendel shrugged the worst possible thing he could have done at that moment and he knew it.

“No one perhaps.”

* * *

 Jason’s eighth grade graduation would have passed without the blink of an eye if the seven members had been there, perhaps a few photos would have been taken rather than the what seemed like hundreds, Charlotte perhaps wouldn’t have taken off from work for this she would have simply promised to make it up later, Cordelia wouldn’t have cheered so loud, and just for a moment Mendel wouldn’t have wished to be in any other timeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna say that Charlotte's is coming soon but who the fuck even knows what that means for me now.


	17. Promises You Made to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte can no longer distract herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the others I know but I'll get back to the 7,000-word ones next time also I hope to finish this by January. Thank you to everyone who has commented Y'all have said the loveliest things!

Days became shorter as did Charlotte's time with Cordelia, during the night Cordelia strayed away to Marvin’s apartment or simply to sit on the fire escape and early in the morning Charlotte left for work. It seemed that the couple would be anywhere but next to each other. Charlotte acted as if she hadn't even noticed this shift but this non-solution would only work for so long. Conversations were far too sparse for either one of their likings, ones that did happen to pop up were rather lacking and ended in odd spots it would be a lie if Charlotte said that she wasn’t starting to believe that perhaps they had lost it whatever spark they had before was simply gone and then Cordelia would smile and suddenly any doubts that Charlotte had previously had were gone. Life seemed so much simpler in those moments without family drama or the hospital the two simply existed together living within the small moments of happiness.

* * *

 Charlotte and Mendel seemed like an odd pair sure they both worked in the medical field and Mendel was often at the hospital but their paths never crossed, that was of course until Mendel had tapped Charlotte’s shoulder smiling nervously.

“I walked here and I don't really think that's an option anymore.” he peered over at the window rain crashed against the tinted glass the storm was muffled “I was wondering when you shift ended and if I could catch a ride with you since it isn't too far? It’s fine if you don't-”

“I get off in like,” Charlotte looked up to see the clock “Forty-five minutes it’s up to you if you want to stay that long.”

“Oh no, I can wait!”

The car ride back was oddly silent neither one of them really knew too much about the other and even if they did both weren't exactly proficient in conversation beyond the walls of an office or hospital room. But there was something so nice about the silence it wasn't awkward just quiet, with a life that was constantly filled some sort of chatter or noise moments that simply blended into the backdrop of a life were far and few between.

“It’s this one” Mendel pointed at the brown brick building that he had called home for so many years.

“Oh okay.” Charlotte pulled up to the curb and Mendel let himself out.

“Thank you for the ride!” he smiled.

“It’s no problem say hi to Trina for me!” she waved him off and then the car became silent again.

* * *

 The one year anniversary of Whizzer’s death seems like an occasion that would be acknowledged by someone but when Charlotte woke up on that rainy March day Cordelia was still sleeping in and the world was still spinning, this day meant so many other things to virtually everybody else in the city hell in the world; birthdays, anniversaries, or simply another day but to Charlotte and the rest of the family it was the grim reminder of how much they had truly lost. Charlotte shook Cordelia awake who groaned as she turned over.

“Good morning.” she smiled rubbing an eye.

“Good morning sunshine.” Charlotte returned the smile “Did you by any chance go to Marvin’s last night?” in this moment she wanted to focus on anyone but herself surely Marvin was worse off today.

“Yeah.” Cordelia propped herself off placing a kiss on Charlotte's cheek “Why?”

“I don't know I figured I’d check in on him ya know with the whole year thing going on.” Cordelia’s eyebrows raised slightly she was seemingly shocked that it had really been a year.

“He’s fine I’m sure he did his worst in the first six months.” this didn't seem to calm Charlotte's nerves “Either way it’s not like he’s been counting the days.” their neighbor, in fact, hadn't that was the one promise he had made to himself before leaving the cemetery he could visit as much as he liked, leave flowers, whatever but he couldn't count the days.

“I’m sure you’re right.” the doctor smirked.

The rest of the day passed rather slowly Charlotte didn't mind it though she’d rather cherish her days off then have them pass within the blink of an eye. That March day would have been rather unremarkable until night had fallen upon the city.

"The void thing is back and it's in full swing." Cordelia had always described her seeming depression as a void it was somewhat childish in a way.

"Oh, do you want to see someone?" that was the one thing Charlotte could think to do she couldn't fix that surely.

When Cordelia first mentioned the 'void' it was senior year one night in her apartment Whizzer had been smoking something less than legal at the time he had told Cordelia it was some cigar, it was clearly not.

_"I don't know." she shook her blonde hair which had now been tainted by brown roots "I feel like I'm broken like there's just an empty space in my chest. Like I'm not doing enough or some shit stupid like that.”_

_"Broken?" Charlotte repeated one word asking for clarification_

_"Like I'm just missing a part that everyone else has."_

_"Shit man that sounds like depression." Whizzer swallowed his water._

"No, I'm sure I'm fine... Before I was young ya know angsty."

"You were twenty-two that's not exactly young."

"I'm fine I'll just get over it and move on like everyone else. Just forget I mentioned it."

"Did you get over it the first time."

"Look I don't know why you're worrying I'm going to be fine it's not like my missing piece is my leg" Cordelia used the same analogy as she had so many years ago and Charlotte noticed. “Look forget that I even mentioned it in the first place”

"Did you?"

"It got- it got better."

"Did it go away?"

"Charlotte look-"

"Please just one visit?"

"I'll go to Mendel. But I'm drawing it there I'm not calling you my best friend to some chick named Kimberly."

* * *

 Charlotte was used to entering an empty apartment usually the living space was dark with no signs of any life; but tonight was different Charlotte walked in to find Cordelia on their overstuffed couch tucked under a blanket nodding off the lamp perched on their stained end table illuminating the small nook that the shiksa had tucked herself into.

Charlotte couldn't help but laugh slightly “Hey what are you still doing up?”

“Marvin came knocking at like three am so I thought I might as well stay up and wait for you.”

Charlotte hung her coat on the back of the door “What was he over here for?”

“I don't even know.” Cordelia yawned.

“Well, you should probably get to sleep now.”

Cordelia rubbed one eye “I’ll just sleep out here tonight the bedroom is too far.”

“I can carry you.” Charlotte offered sleeping on their couch would probably cause some back injury.

“Deal!” the blonde woman smiled as she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s neck.

* * *

 Charlotte had gone over simply to try to fix the damage Marvin had done to his phone he had ripped it out of the wall for reasons he didn't explain. Luckily he had only really fucked up the wire leaving the rest of the phone in working condition. The woman had planned to fix the phone then leave as not to cause waves in whatever feud that Marvin and Cordelia had going on but then Marvin offered dinner.

“Pasta?”

“Is that all you eat?” Charlotte laughed.

“It’s the only thing I know how to make, and I’m too full to swallow my pride and get a cookbook.” Marvin leaned against the kitchen counter, for a man in his early 40’s Marvin had the culinary ability of an 8th grader.

Dinner was nice enough Charlotte tiptoed around Cordelia yet again trying to stay out of whatever drama of the week they had going on.

“So how has life been treating you?” Charlotte focused on the drips of water that formed around her glass.

“Well enough other than Jason getting into the trumpet….” Marvin trailed off.

“God the whole building can hear him, I support the arts but can't he just play the cello or something?” they chuckled together.

* * *

 Mendel had offered coffee and finding the offer somewhat endearing Charlotte agreed. They had decided to simply meet in the coffee shop that sat on the second level of the hospital the one which Charlotte could never figure out if it was privately owned or not. She had walked into the seating area to see Mendel smiling a cup of tea in one hand and one long arm raised waving he was practically shining, to Charlotte Mendel never seemed to be where he was he was always out of place smiling too widely or moving just a bit too much.

Conversation flowed well between the two for about fifteen minutes until when Charlotte announced that her shift would be starting soon Mendel stopped her just short of leaving “Wait, Trina and I were wondering if you and Charlotte would want to come to our family dinner? It’s on Friday at six?”

“Yeah of course!” Charlotte was always aware of their dinners but never really considered that she and Cordelia would ever be invited to one, it seemed off from them somehow.

“Do you think I’m overdressed?” Charlotte had always had a problem with reading the fashion of a room.

“You’re wearing what you always wear it’s not like Trina’s gonna kick you out for looking ‘too nice’” Cordelia attempted to imitate Trina’s voice her impression was more than lacking.

Her girlfriend smirked, “I suppose you're right.”

“I always am honey,” before Charlotte could interrupt Cordelia spoke again “I know I’m not but it sounded nice.” she adjusted the gold necklace around her neck, it had a small bird illustrated as if it was almost taking flight connecting the two chains.

“We should probably head out we don't want to show up late.”

“Trina would probably kick us out for that.”

After dinner, Charlotte, Mendel, and Jason strayed off to do what Jason called ‘Things’ they had all gathered in the small breakfast nook that sat just on the other side of the kitchen the large bay window showed a view of the street which was rather peaceful. The three seemed to chat about nothing until the topic of marriage was brought up Charlotte would never be sure how the conversation led to that.

“Well have you thought about marriage.” Mendel attempted to adjust himself to a more comfortable position but ended up just putting himself at an odd angle.

“Well not really it’s not like we could legally.” Charlotte shrugged.

“A lot of married couples aren't legally married.” Jason pitched he perked his mouth after saying it.

“Yeah like common law! My parents aren't technically married.” Charlotte didn't doubt it Mendel seemed to have been dragged out of the 60’s and placed conveniently in the 80’s she had always assumed his family gave off that same vibe.

Cordelia walked through the hallway style kitchen to arrive at the breakfast nook smiling “Marvin and Trina got quiet so I thought ‘might as well check up on these guys’! So what are y’all talking about?” Cordelia pulled out a chair.

“Marriage!” Jason smiled.

“Fun!” the caterer smiled brushing her fringe up.

* * *

 Keeping track of the whereabouts and health of their friends was starting to become increasingly difficult.

“This is why Marvin is living the dream, who has more than six friends in adulthood?” Cordelia would often joke she was correct though having six friends to occasionally call seemed so much more appealing than the notebook of people she had.

“Someone is moving to Germany with his boyfriend I think?” Cordelia attempted to recall.

“Someone's sick? Probably.” it was almost a guarantee.

“Devon had a kid. We sent a card.”

“Aww good for her she was always good with kids.” this monthly routine was probably the reason they attempted to keep tabs on everybody it was a routine to follow a routine Charlotte liked to stick to.

* * *

 “I feel like I should have an idea of how braids work but I don't.” they had been sitting on Marvin’s balcony simply looking out at the starless night sky, the topic of braids had most likely come up from Charlotte's new hairstyle.

“It’s kinda simple.” she shrugged, Charlotte had grown up around women who could braid it always seemed like a normal and simple thing to comprehend. Marvin pointed as if to signal for her to explain the process “It’s just synthetic hair braided into my natural hair.”

“What does Jason say?”

“You people are so white?” Jason had exclaimed this once and had Charlotte doubled over laughing.

“Yeah! I feel like that fits in here.”

* * *

 Cordelia since the day Charlotte met her had described her relationship with her family as ‘family reunions only’, sure she had visited every other Christmas ever since she moved but they were also still under the impression that she; one was straight, and two was very in love with one Whizzer Brown. This is why suddenly breaking off all connection seemed odd to Charlotte she didn't question it though it was Cordelia’s family she knew what was best for her.

“I don't know,” Cordelia brushed her fingers through her hair “Maybe I should call Cal and cover it up with something.”

“Would you want to?”

“They’re the only family I get if I have to lie to keep them then so be it.”

“I mean you have this family that you don't have to lie to.” Charlotte had been caught up on the hole that Cordelia had dug herself into concerning family.

“How do you know that?” the woman smiled “My name is actually ehh Sonya I am secret spy for the motherland Russia” despite her horrible impressions Cordelia pulled off a Russian accent pretty well.

Charlotte gasped “Wow I’m dating a spy and I didn't even know? Bravo Sonya bravo.” she slowly clapped laughing.

* * *

 “Your birthday is coming up.” Charlotte had been writing down plans on their calendar.

“Oh yeah,” Cordelia called from the couch.

“Do you want to do anything?”

Cordelia shook her head birthdays had always reminded the both of them of Whizzer who infamously had a way to celebrate everyone's birthday

_“You didn't have to get me balloons!” Charlotte was happy to wake up to a surprise like this two out her best friends showing up with balloons was something that seemed straight out of a book._

_“Be happy it’s just balloons and not an entire party.” Cordelia crossed her arms._

_“Hey, that was my testing the waters year!”_

_“Well, it was very kind of you to think of me Whiz! Also, I’m not a party person just so you don't have to have that year.”_

_Cordelia rocked on Charlotte’s bed “Yeah Whiz Kid it’s almost like you can ask people!”_

* * *

 An invitation to spend a night of Chanukah with the family was nice, Charlotte hadn't really celebrated in a while and Cordelia hadn't celebrated at all spare the last winter where she had spent all eight nights with Marvin but that was spent drinking with occasional sobbing not really celebrating. Cordelia had already gotten presents for everyone; including a David Bowie cassette for Jason, match Mr. And Mrs. mugs for Mendel and Trina, and a simple tie for Marvin because according to Cordelia:

“He’s just too difficult to shop for but at the same time too easy to please.”

The entire night flew by too fast for Charlotte’s liking and soon Trina and Mendel were waving them off as they walked into the cold air Cordelia reached one hand into the pocket of her puffy coat leaving the other one to hang at her side, Charlotte wished she had the confidence to grab it but even on this desolate street somebody could be watching from a window or a stoop.

“Ya know Mendel really liked that mug.” Charlotte grinned as he had exclaimed how much he liked it many times throughout the night.

“I got you something too ya know?” Cordelia returned her grin.

“Really?” Charlotte and Cordelia didn’t exchange gifts often.

“Of course.” Cordelia pulled out a small velvet box.

“Charlotte Laura DuBois, if someone decides we can will you marry me?” Cordelia’s voice had turned to a whisper.

“What?”

“Will you marry me?”

“Of course!” Charlotte wrapped her arms around Cordelia's neck.

“We’ll do something grander back home.” the blonde promised.

Mendel had congratulated Charlotte many times that week, Jason called ‘dibs’ on best man for whichever party would take it, and according to Cordelia Marvin and Trina had also congratulated the pair. Which left them in a limbo coming off of the high of an engagement with no wedding in the foreseeable future. So they simply spent their night together laying on their coach nothing played in the background they simply favored each other's company.

"I always wanted to get married." Charlotte mused as she pulled delicate fingers through Cordelia’s hair.

"Really?" Cordelia had proposed less as a want and more as a gesture of love.

"Yeah, the big wedding everything. But now it's not like we have an option."

"We will someday." the other woman promised with the same confidence one has when stating their age or name even "Worst case scenario we have a fake ceremony. Pay people to look the other way."

"I hope so." Charlotte smiled "You'd look beautiful in a wedding dress."

"You'd look even more beautiful."

"I can't do the impossible. But sure." to this Cordelia giggled.

* * *

 Two years, two full years without one Whizzer Brown to joke with, to make fun of, his shoulder that you could so often cry on was simply gone and now after two years Charlotte found herself still wanting to dial his number knowing that Marvin would pick up but just hoping that maybe she would be met with the poppy voice of his lover how often she was disappointed in that area. After his memorial she had gone straight to work and had said to herself that in two years she would be over this and that Whizzer Brown would simply be the name of an old friend, not the name of a thought that would bring her almost to tears, this had not come true. In two years time, the name Whizzer Brown still brought her the memory of a man slowly fading away not the man she liked to block this out with; confident, funny, cocky to a fault, and always smiling.  
“Do you want to go over to Marvin’s tonight?” Cordelia had been feeling sick almost all week with what she claimed to be the flu “We usually play cards tonight.” that wasn't fully a lie the had to intention to play cards but nine times out of ten they would simply sit on Marvin’s balcony and talk.

“Yeah, sure!”

Marvin had invited Charlotte in with no intention of playing cards he simply invited her outside and she followed. Conversations with Marvin often led to the more dark topics of their shared life, this night, of course, would be no exception.

“It’s been two years to the day,” Charlotte stated flatly when Marvin had claimed it felt like years since he felt at home, Charlotte saw through this easily.

“So you’ve been counting the days?”

“Just the anniversaries.”

“Two years have felt like seven.”

“It really has.”

* * *

 A frantic call asking if “You know how to set broken noses?” was a first for Charlotte, so was setting a broken nose in the lobby of an ER, doubled with a weeping Trina and Jason telling the story of how he achieved the broken nose that day would truly be full of firsts for Charlotte.

* * *

 After Jason’s eighth grade graduation an event that Charlotte still believed to be somewhat ridiculous Cordelia and Marvin paired off to go talk about “something” leaving Charlotte alone in their apartment. The time that Cordelia came home seemed hazy it was fairly late at night but not yet early morning Cordelia had shaken Charlotte awake.

“Babe I don't think Marvin’s doing so well.”

“Can we talk about it in the morning?” Charlotte hadn't fully comprehended what Charlotte had said.

“I don't think so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, Y'all should listen to preludes I've almost named a lot of chapters after it it's Dave Malloy's chiller work! Marvin is next if it's not up within the next two days go annoy me @ my tumblr it's @ penicillinsteve also I promise I have a reason why I'm not getting these done quicker but since school is coming up and if I change the names I can pass these as short stories more will be coming out. Also yes Charlotte has a car even if it's NYC sis has cash


	18. But That's the Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin has to swim against the current.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was like the fastest I've updated in a while also none of y'all bullied me on my tumblr.

"I know I got to attached?"

"To who?" the sentence didn't quite click in Cordelia's head.

"Whizzer." Marvin looked out over the city "Maybe I'll move to Jersey like Trina talked about." the man tried to move the conversation away from the topic of his lover.

Cordelia wasn't having it "What do you mean too attached?"

"Well, I realized it was his birthday" Cordelia's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to remember the date February was right though the day seemed hazy "And I nearly cried as if I was going to do anything for it."

"We could." the shiksa mused rocking in her chair.

"That would be stupid."

"It could be fun?" Cordelia didn't exactly want to celebrate but it was a thing to do.

"Yup celebrating my dead boyfriend's" that word boyfriend Marvin had rarely used it while referring to Whizzer it just didn't seem to fit whatever they had "birthday sounds like a riot."

"It's worth a shot?" Marvin shook his head "Can't say I didn't try."

"But still my too attached thing applies."

"How so?" answer didn't cut it for Cordelia.

“Sure he was part of my life but I should be over this.”

“Did you get over him the first time?” the question was rather introspective for Cordelia at least.

“Not really but that was different I was the one who pushed him away.”

“But now he’s gone and you can't be blamed. Wouldn't that be harder?”

“You should be the psychiatrist, not Mendel.” Marvin joked almost desperate to get away from the topic of his lost lover.

“Give him a break he’s trying.”

* * *

 That night was supposed to be normal no shocking revelations, no family drama just a father and son dinner but plans never seemed to stick to Marvin.

“Is it true that you’re going to die.” Jason’s too nonchalant tone mixed with the slight voice crack chilled Marvin down to his bone.

“Where did you hear that?” He didn't mean to sound as angry as he did but this was a fact that he wanted to conceal at least for now.

“Cor.” Jason used the woman’s nickname to almost soften the blow.

“Okay.” a million different thoughts rushed in Marvin’s head mostly ‘Why?’ why would Cordelia tell Jason? Why would Jason bring it up now? Why was this the path life had led Marvin down?

“Are you? I just need a yes or no.” the kid was too damn mature already he spoke so steadily.

“Yes.” Marvin should have said maybe, talked about it more but in the moment he knew a simple fact: Marvin Fuchs will end all too early. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s not enough.” Jason stood up and left the table Marvin couldn't blame him.

Jason knowing of his death kept Marvin up until early morning and around two am admitting defeat and giving up on sleeping he decided to talk to Cordelia which admittedly wasn't a good idea on account of the fact that Marvin hadn't settled down added with the ungodly hour of day the exchange would have ended well.

“Marvin it’s like what three am?” Cordelia rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she leaned against the door frame letting the fresh air into her stuffy apartment.

“Two.”

“Well, still why are you here? You could have called.”  
  
Marvin bit his lip in a showcase of embarrassment “You know I don’t have a phone anymore.”

_"Is this Beckett Brown?" asked a soprano voice it was chirpy almost sounding false. The last name rang a bell immediately but the first name clicked a little later Trina's words at the man's grave a real name told by an almost stranger._

_"I'm sorry he's no longer here." Marvin kept it vague enough to cover up that he was in fact died if the situation called for it._

_"Oh god, what happened." the woman's chirpy voice sounded distressed._

_"Oh, he moved out of this unit about a year ago." Marvin's deception would never be good but he hoped that this would please the other caller._

_"Do you by any chance know of a number I can call to reach him?"_

_"Sorry I don't."_

_"Okay well you have a good day." she was almost too disappointed and_ in _that moment Marvin should have put an end to the lie but he didn't he simply hung up._

“I’m not replacing that for you.” Cordelia began to shut the door but Marvin put his foot in the door Cordelia grunted and rolled her eyes.

“Look I’m gonna make this short. Did you tell Jason.”

“He asked.”

“And you answered.”

“Yep.” Cordelia popped the ‘P’ as if she didn’t care about the whole situation.

“How and why?”

“Well, I explained that it spreads from person to person and you might have it. He asked I didn’t want to say it but I couldn’t just lie to the kid he deserves to know he’s part of this family too. Are we done?” She was already fed up with this interaction.

“I was going to tell him.”

  
“Were you?”

“It wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t it’s still my secret to tell.” he was right in this regard his death should have been something that he told Jason.

“You dying is not a secret at least not one you keep from your fucking kid for a year. Goodnight Marvin.” She pressed the door against his foot.

“I’m not done.”

“Yes, you are.” Cordelia’s voice took on a tone that Marvin hadn't and would never hear again she simply shut the door. He knocked again just praying for an answer but he knew one wouldn't come. Well, there goes one of two friendships he just had to fuck it up didn't he.

* * *

 Cordelia had left the table which Marvin didn't mind the energy between the two had grown awkward. Trina attempted to save the conversation by bringing out family photos most taken but none other than Whizzer Brown. This only sparked questions with no real answers.

"How did you two ever really talk?" Marvin brushed his hair up

"How do you think he got to the baseball game?" Trina pointed at herself "He came to the house after whatever drama you guys had and gave me Charlotte's number. He stayed with them ya know."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Jason talked to him on the phone every Tuesday for what must have been two years?" she eyed the kitchen phone "It was good to have the routine."

_Trina hadn't expected to see Whizzer Brown again in her life that was until he appeared at her doorway suitcase in hand with a leather-bound journal in the other, she also didn't expect his first response to her opening the door to be "Shit Trina what happened?" this was, of course, referring to the bruise that had sprouted just below her eye that purple and grey haze connected to the top of her cheekbone._

_"Marvin," she stated flatly as if this was a normal event._

_"Shit I'm sorry." Trina would have been bothered by the man's cursing so much more in any other situation but now it seemed almost warranted "I just came by before heading away" he pointed his finger back "Figured I'd give Jason something."_

_"He's out with Mendel." this was an almost desperate attempt of salvaging some sense of normal in the family they had gone fishing a skill neither one excelled in._

_"Oh well, can you give this to him?" Whizzer slipped the leather journal into her hands._

_"Sure." and with that Whizzer began to walk away "Wait where are you going?"_

_"I'm gonna go stay with some old friends_ then _probably to Europe." the plan was loose but he could do it._

_"Well good luck Whizzer." she smiled._

_"Good luck to you Trina." he smiled his face scrunching and with that Whizzer was gone._

"Were you two friends?" Marvin had never questioned the extent of their relationship.

"You could say that it considers what you mean by a friend."

Marvin switched his question almost too quickly "Why did you let Jason have his Bar Mitzvah there?"

"Why would I have not let him?"

"I mean we nearly caused world war three planning the thing then suddenly you're okay with dropping it? It just doesn't line up."

"Jason wanted Whizzer there, we weren't going to have one if he wasn't so we brought it to him."

"Is it that simple?"

"Maybe it is Marvin."

"It isn't is it?"

"It could be. Or maybe I just wanted it to be a family event in the end. Worse case scenario we're out a thousand but we're out a thousand together."

* * *

 Just an hour more wasn't so much, was it? And hour, 60 minutes, 3,600 second, seemed less than generous to spend with a lover hell to spend with anyone yet that was so out of Marvin's reach so far away from ever becoming true again that rather than getting that hour he only seemed to beg for it beg to no one for just one moment with a man that seemed to be slipping away from his memory so quickly. Marvin should have died first, not that he wanted to leave Whizzer alone but dying first seemed so much easier than being left alone with his stupid brain all the time. Grieving was much harder than dying. Imagining Whizzer dressed in all black solace at his grace was an image that made the hairs on Marvin's neck stand on end because it was simply an image that would never occur like Trina juggling or Mendel with spiked hair but those thoughts seemed less ridiculous than Whizzer at Marvin's grave.

_"Don't worry nerd I'll be here tomorrow." Whizzer had put on a brave face for Marvin and more for himself, the belief that he could whither this storm with a fake smile and teases being his shield._

_"I'm not tired." Marvin pulled at the skin beneath his eye distorting his face slightly._

_"Yeah, people's faces just look that exhausted normally."_

_"Mine does." to that Whizzer rolled his eyes._

_"I'll be here tomorrow just go home and sleep. I'll be here tomorrow."_

_"And if your not?" the words cut through the room so awfully creating a tension that didn't seem to fade._

_"Don't talk like that."_

* * *

 Making up with Cordelia seemed like Marvin’s only option the silence of his apartment brought back things he didn't much care for remembering plus he missed Cordelia’s awful jokes.

She had accepted him in with open arms and after a brief argument they had made up.

“God Jason probably has better drama at school.” Marvin laughed leaning back in his chair.

“I could almost guarantee it.” Cordelia returned a smile “Catlin wore the same dress as me to Michael’s Bar Mitzvah!”

“That sounds so much better and more interesting.”

“Right! Like was it intentional? Why would Catlin do that? Was the dress at least nice?” and with that normal routine was once again installed into Marvin’s life.

* * *

 The topic of whether Jason’s friends knew that Whizzer had died barely came up Marvin went back and forth on believing whether they or didn't, but then when Jason rushed into the apartment just barely missing the hook with his backpack he simply blurted out “I told Heather!”

“Woah.” Marvin was surprised and somewhat proud “How did it come up.”

“She asked if he was better and I broke the news.” he fiddle with his hands “She just gasped and said sorry.”

“So better than you expected?”

“Yeah, I guess” Jason picked up his backpack hanging it up on the hook again.

* * *

 “You should get a dog!” Cordelia remarked offhandedly bobbing her head.

“Why would I?”

“Ya know company, fun, having someone there waiting.”

“Sounds like you want a dog.” she actually wanted a cat but Marvin’s distaste for them steered her to propose a dog.

“If I can't live vicariously through you then what do I have?”

“This is why people have kids Cor.”

“Fair enough.” she rolled her eyes “But still wouldn't a little dog be nice.” on second thought perhaps some kind of pet would be nice not a dog though they were too loud and far too time-consuming for Marvin’s life.

“I’m not gonna get a dog.”

“If this were a movie it would cut to me walking your dog.”

“Good thing this is real life.”

* * *

 Marvin had pushed Whizzer far from his memories or at least he had tried. It seemed that for every memory of Jason sliding chess pieces across a board he had one of the man's smirk. Repressed memories have an odd tendency to pop up uninvited so naturally brief flashes of Whizzer did too. But one never came into Marvin's head not on the lonely nights he wished that he could hold his lover, not the times he flipped through the seemingly endless photos that he had taken, but now as he was boiling water for tea that singular memory flooded his mind; _Whizzer so boney so weak laying in the sterile hospital room gasping for every breath. Then he didn't his chest fell for the last time, his mocha eyes rolled back and suddenly Whizzer Brown was gone. Marvin didn't go into the theatrics of grief he simply left it, of course, felt wrong but what was he going to do? Sitting next to the corpse of the second most important person in his life was unbearable._ Marvin had kept his eyes trained on the bowl of fruit on the table until the ringing of the kettle brought him out of whatever he had been thinking about. He knew what he was thinking about but ignoring it seemed better almost right. Wasn't it right surely? Asking questions of himself now seemed almost stupid. The pale skin on the tip of his finger burned slightly as it brushed the metallic side of the tea kettle bringing the man's wandering mind back into his body. God, he should be over this.

* * *

 Trina had come to collect Jason which wasn't unusual what was is the fact that she pulled Marvin aside that night just before leaving.

“I think we should change custody.” this was something Marvin hadn't thought about since the whole incident with the slap sure he enjoyed having Jason on the weekends but it was still only the weekends “Mendel thinks it would be better for him to see you more and I agree now that everything's all settled.” this was partly a lie Trina knew that everything wasn't settled hell she doubted that it was even close.

“Oh yeah that'd be nice!” he wasn't sure where to go with this “Would we need to go to court?”

“No, we didn't go to court the first time I’m not even sure if we have a custody plan.” Trina was right the only time they had gone to court was for the divorce “I suppose we could just let Jason choose how long he wants to stay with us.”

“I mean he’s 14 that seems like the right age to start that.”

And so now every other week Marvin’s house would feel full instead of abandoned this is why he had always preferred weekends they brought Jason and Jason brought a sense of home that Marvin couldn't build himself. Life for once felt at least a little settled.

* * *

 "Do you ever think if I had just pushed him away that one time that none of this would have happened?"

Cordelia made mental note of another no Whizzer streak broken "I mean of course."

"How would you have even managed to push him away? You two were connected at the hip?"

"I had some opportunities."

 _"I just don't understand why you can't tell them you're a_ dyke _?" Why did Whizzer care so much about Cordelia's family knowing?_

_"Does your Mom know you fuck guys?" she rested one hand against the cheap wood of the table._

_"That's different." The brunette dismissed her point almost too quickly._

_"Is it?"_

_"I can't just pick up a phone and call my Mom."_

_"Can't or won't?"_

_"Why are you trying to analyze my family?"_

_"Oh, I thought we were just intruding on our family business now."_

_Whizzer rolled his eyes and gave an irritated sigh "I'm just trying to help."_

_"No, you're trying to make it worse. Because you don't understand that hey maybe having a fag daughter isn't exactly what's in the sights of the south's favorite pastor." Whizzer pushed his chair out and stormed to the door pulled his leather jacket over his shoulders "Where the fuck are you going?"_

_"Away."_

_"Fuck you too I guess."_

"I could have locked him out an been done with him."

"But you didn't?" Marvin fiddled with his thumbs

"Couldn't fucker had to pay half of my rent.”  
"Ya know sometimes I wonder if we didn't take that two-year break would we even have worked together?"

"Hm?"

"Like I changed so much I'm assuming he did so would we have worked?"

"What's the point in asking?" Cordelia asked bluntly "I mean what is it going to solve? Huh? Nothing wondering does nothing none of this does anything we're just two drunks sitting outside in New York" she became flustered "Doing what? People are fucking solving issues and what are we doing? Sulking?"

"Delia, you okay?"

"I don't know. I just feel like I've wasted everything. I have another good thirty years left what would I even do at that time?"

"Help I guess?"

"But can any of us help? Or is this all of this fighting grit and teeth worthless?” they sat in silence until Marvin opened the sliding door inviting Cordelia back into the warmth of the house.

"We've been thinking about moving to San Francisco." Cordelia overproduced the 'cisco'

"Really why?"

"It's just a lot more gay-friendly there." she put her arms up stretching.

"Yeah but it's also California."

"What's so bad about that?"

"It's California."

"Okay I get that like New York is your 'turf' or whatever but other places are nice too Marvin." Cordelia yawned.

"Well, I'm planning on living and dying in this godforsaken city so you can go have fun in California."

"You'd miss us too much." That was true beyond Jason Cordelia and Charlotte were all he had left in the world.

“I hate that you’re right.” Cordelia just laughed as she turned her head to look at the wall clock.

“Shit I should get home.”

“Yeah I should probably get to bed I have Jason tomorrow.” Marvin stretched his arms out.

“Well catch ya later Marv.” Cordelia slipped through the door.

* * *

 Jason had sat on the armchair and was haphazardly flipping through a scrapbook that Trina had made just after he was born. Marvin wasn't entirely sure how the scrapbook ended up in his possession but he didn't mind it baby photos of Jason were always nice.

“How come we don't visit Grandma and Grandpa?” Marvin turned to look at him.

“What are you talking about you saw them like a month ago?” Trina had taken Jason to Jersey to see her parents the month before an event that happened almost every three months.

“No, I mean your parents.” Jason flipped the scrapbook to show a picture of Marvin and his parents all forcing a smile in front of what was presumed to be their first apartment.

“Well, first of all, they moved across the country,” they had moved down to Florida for their retirement “Plus I don't think they’re caught up on the family situation.” Marvin hadn't bothered to tell them anything because they never asked or called it was an arms-length relationship at best.

“Well, I’d like to see them sometime.” Jason put the book down and started flipping through again.

“I’ll try to make it happen.” Marvin in fact never tried to contact his parents entirely forgetting about this interaction just a few days after it happened.

* * *

 Marvin knew he was getting sicker, he knew that he looked it but all the same he went off denying the truth. But Cordelia noticed because of course she did and she whisked him off after Jason's graduation an event that was supposed to be happy and light.

"Have you gone anywhere?"

"Where would I even go?"

"I don't know the hospital? I'm not the doctor."

"I feel like this is really a Charlotte conversation."

Cordelia shrugged "It is maybe... But she's had enough on her plate so you get me!"

"What does she have 'on her plate'?"

"What's going on with you first?"

Marvin scoffed "I feel fine okay?"

"Have you been eating?"

"Yes. I haven't been too hungry but I'm still eating."

"How much?"

"Dinner every night. Breakfast if I can."

"Anything in between?"

"Still occasionally."

"You still look awful."

"I always look awful."

"Lesions?" to this Marvin winced the dark wine stains that had decked Whizzer in his later days was an image that often brought Marvin to a numb state of mind.

"One." he rolled up one green sleeve to show a nickel sized lesion.

"Oh, Marv." Cordelia's tone was more disappointed than anything "Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I?"

"You just could I want to help Marv"

"I don't need your help or pity, Delia, I'm my own man I'll deal with this alone."

"Well" Cordelia paused "What's going on in Marvin's head." the line was reminiscent of one that Whizzer would often use 'What's going on in that head of yours?'

"Nothing. I'm over him really. Now it's just day to day."

"So boring as always?"

He chuckled "Yeah. You never answered my Charlotte question."

"Oh," Cordelia paused trying to remember exactly what the question was "Well ya know she's got work and me so that's enough?"

Marvin squinted for a second almost unconvinced "But is it a full plate."

"Work makes up most of that plate." her words were quick but annunciated making her words seem oddly very sharp "You should go see someone."

"I'm fine."

"But the lesion."

"It could be a burst blood vessel."

"Marv" that nickname stuck deep into Marvin's skin like the prick of a cactus at this moment "Please just go." she placed one hand on his lap and gripped slightly "For me?"

"Sure." they sat together in an odd environment that they had only built for themselves when suddenly small and quick drops of rain started to cascade down and soon enough that had retreated into the house where Cordelia lied on the couch and Marvin sat diagonally on the uncomfortable and understuffed chair Trina had picked out what seemed like decades ago.

The apartment had felt empty for some time now sure physically it was filled but it was just a husk, emotionless, feeling rather like an open house rather than one someone has lived in for almost 6 years.

But in this odd house, something caught Cordelia's eye a leather jacket worn with years worth of memories "He said he wanted me to have that."

Marvin knew what she was speaking about almost instantly "He did?"

"Yup said it looked better on me than him. But I just couldn't."

Marvin chuckled "So you spared me." and once again their duet of silence took over "I don't want to die like he did." Cordelia cocked her head "Slow and awful just having people watch me wither away." the comment came out of nowhere but left Cordelia back in that hospital room small beeps letting her know that he was still alive physically at least.

"It's an awful way to go out." the blonde shook her head.

"And it's how I'm going out." the conversation should have ended there but Marvin just had to push it a little more "Coincidence is an odd woman." referring the coincidence as a woman irked Cordelia in an odd way she had always thought Coincidence to be a man dressed in a nice suit with a red tie perhaps?

"How so?"

"I mean what are the chances of us even meeting through a route that wasn't him" Marvin was in an odd phase within himself of not saying Whizzer's name as if the seven letters would tear down all the progress he's made for himself "Let alone like each other."

"It is a little crazy I guess? Queer neighbors sharing the common link of one young fun loving man." The way Cordelia described Whizzer is the way she wanted to remember him it, of course, would never be the image of Whizzer Brown was never one of laughing or a disgruntled sigh but one of a sickly man lying in hospital bed nothing like the Whizzer she knew "God we should be a TV show."

"Give it like a few hundred years," the prospect of a few hundred years was hopeful in Marvin's mind. "you and Charlotte being 'Besties'" god even when using slang Marvin sounded so oddly uncool "Would be awful."

"At least there's one thing we agree on." Cordelia smiled shaking her glass slightly and yet again the conversation cooled to a halt "Charlotte and I were thinking about kids." there was a better time to bring this up but this exchange needed something lighter than an inevitable death.

"Really?"

"Yeah. She's always wanted them I've been indifferent but hell if there's a time it's probably now."

"Having a mini you to terrorize the city doesn't sound too good but hey there's probably worse things"

Cordelia squinted "If I had a kid she wouldn't terrorize the city." Cordelia had always wanted a daughter in some sense.

"Then she'd terrorize me." a hopeful thought on Marvin's end living to see the lesbian's kid grow up to be old enough to terrorize him.

The night soon drew to an end and the caterer walked back to her apartment what Marvin was not aware of was the fact that when she finally returned she had cried on the floor until finally gathering the courage to tell her girlfriend that perhaps Marvin wasn't doing as well as they had assumed he was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhh are y'all ready for even more angst? but yeah this is happening I also like kinda have a flu rn but yeah my tumblr is penicillinsteve go bother me there


	19. Safe in a Frame.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia is struck from the air in one foul swoop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayoyoyo eight day chapter that ain't so bad! I'm gonna let this chapter stand for itself so here we go?

Cordelia quickly locked the door like she had done so many other nights after drinking with Marvin but this time she wasn't drunk or even tipsy she had managed to stay sober for one night. This small victory seemed so unappealing, she was so tired. Her mind felt static too stilted and in the moment while everything around the woman felt so serene and balanced she slid down against the door wishing for nothing more than to become invisible to simply blend in so she could rest. Exhaustion had finally gotten to the shiksa. 

* * *

 Marvin had promised to go to a doctor and that was all Cordelia really had in this situation and soon life returned to normal, well as normal as it got for her. Marvin’s apartment a few times a week, cooking and baking, greeting Charlotte when she came home, god she had truly become a 50’s housewife. But the feeling of being on the edge of something truly awful constantly ran through her body, Marvin would soon be sick or worse and she just had to deal with that. This truly proved that whatever god she had presumed to be watching was truly dead Marvin had a kid and a family and now after losing so much, he has to suffer one of the most drawn out and excruciating deaths known to this world. Luck was truly never on this family's side.

Jason asked Cordelia about the health of his father primarily because he knew she wouldn't lie and this day was no different. She had been over at Marvin’s apartment and Marvin had just stepped out to run and get eggs for breakfast leaving Cordelia on the sofa and Jason perched on the uncomfortable armchair reading the worn copy of ‘War & Peace’ he had been working on for a while now.

“Do you know if he’s getting sicker?”

“Why do ya ask bud?” god that line truly sounded like something straight out of ‘Leave It to Beaver’.

“Well he’s been looking,” Jason paused “Off recently.” his father would never look like the peak of health or wellness but he never looked so sallow and almost vacant behind the eyes.

Cordelia took a sharp and small breath in “Well.” she started that was an awful place to start god why didn't she know what to say? “Well he hasn't mentioned it to me and he looks like he always does he’s probably been working on something stressful.” Cordelia had just done the one thing Jason had relied on her not doing; she lied to his face and even if the words were shaky he trusted it. What an aunt she was.

“So yeah I just lied to him, I feel awful but how do I say ‘Yeah kid you're right say goodbye to Dad #1!’ probably not like that?” Cordelia leaned forward placing her elbows on her knees.

“Well you’ve done it before.” it was a sly poke at the almost forgotten feud.

“I said that you might die now we know well-”

“That it’s almost certain?” the chirpy woman wanted to say ‘Don’t think like that!’ but that would simply be her asking her friend to sell himself on a lie.

She frowned “Yeah.” she hated feeling this helpless she had been so in control for so long then Whizzer took that hard fall and everything simply seemed to fall from her grips.

The sliding glass door softly slid open revealing Jason wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt not wearing his glasses and rubbing the sleep from his eyes “Why are you guys out here?”

“Just getting some fresh air.” the woman shrugged brushing back her hair that made two lies today. 

* * *

 When did it stop being 'Charlotte's apartment'? Had it ever stopped? Cordelia tried to look back it surely did after the first year but she had never really stopped saying 'Charlotte's apartment' it wasn't that it didn't feel like home like she said: "As long as there is someone who loves me every place is home." But as much as it did feel like home something about the one bedroom that felt like it belonged to Charlotte and Charlotte alone, Cordelia was simply visiting and would soon leave when someone better showed her face. Because as much as Cordelia told herself that this was a permanent thing, that it was “till death do we two-part”, she could never fully buy that.

“I saw a doctor today.” Marvin folded his hands.

“Really what did he say?”

“Kaposi sarcoma.” Cordelia’s breath hitched she had almost been hoping it was simply a pinched nerve or a burst blood vessel but now confronted with the truth that she had so furiously supported she was wordless almost too struck and suddenly Marvin laughed and almost just as suddenly Cordelia laughed with him coping with this seemed impossible laughing was so much easier. “Thus ends the tale of Marvin!”

“Who knows you could make it out alive?” Cordelia tried not to choke on the lump forming in her throat.

“I know I won't I’m not different.”

“Whizzer had what six months? They’ll find a cure by then right?” Marvin was silent he simply put his arm around Cordelia’s shoulder pulling her close to his chest. She felt so ridiculous she shouldn't be the one sobbing at least she shouldn't be the only one.

After Cordelia’s crying settled down Marvin spoke again “Do you really think they’ll find a cure?” another flood of tears poked at her blue eyes.

She wiped under her eyes in a small attempt to dry them “I need them to,” she pressed her head into his chest further “I can't keep losing people.”

“Marvin has it.” the certain accent that Cordelia put on the ‘it’ made Charlotte immediately recognized what ‘it’ was exactly.

“Oh god.” and suddenly the large barrier that Charlotte had kept between her mind and her body was broken. Cordelia had never seen Charlotte cry never, not at Whizzer’s funeral, not when her Father finally shut her out, not even when Jason would ask questions that no twelve year old should ever have to ask. But suddenly when told that Marvin would suffer the same fate as his lover that dam was broken and suddenly tears rushed to her round eyes.

“Hun.” Cordelia pulled her into a hug and the simply cried this was absolutely the worst timeline.

* * *

 Charlotte had been checking on Marvin daily and Cordelia had been going over as much as she could this routine lasted a month and fairly easily Jason caught on. Marvin had decided to stay on the balcony while Cordelia went inside to collect her purse Jason had woken up at some point and traveled to the living room and decided to sit on the floor leaning against the couch.

“He’s getting worse isn't he?” the ‘he’ was not a question in Cordelia’s mind the question was if she should tell him.

“You’re too smart ya know?” she leaned against the wall.

“What?”

“Other kids wouldn't notice that or any of this.” she motioned around the apartment “It’s almost scary that you caught on.”

“So he is?”

Cordelia closed her eyes slowly waiting until she was submerged in complete darkness before answering “Yes.” she scrunched her lips inward.

Jason simply walked up and rested his arms around her shoulders god when did he get this tall? “Are you okay?”

Jason was good at diverting attention off of himself “Are you okay Jas?”

“No.” she clasped her hands around his arms.

“We’re in this together that can't hurt.” it was a small reassurance but one that lifted both of them ever so slightly “We’re always next door if you need us or if he needs us or if you want food that isn't pizza or eggs.” Jason chuckled through tears and pulled away she held him at arm's length “I love you and Charlotte and I are always here for you.” she placed a kiss on his forehead.

“I love you too Delia.”

* * *

 Jason luckily hadn't been around for the first time Marvin was hospitalized Charlotte had found him vomiting with a fever she lugged him to her car and drove him to the ER. Cordelia had sat with him through the night anxiety keeping her up.

“Should I call Trina?” she had asked this around four am during one of the brief windows where Marvin seemed lucid.

“Only if I’m not out by the time Jason needs to go to the apartment.”

It seemed fair enough why bring her into this? It only seemed fair to Cordelia’s exhausted mind when she had finally crashed a few hours later when she woke up she regretted not calling Trina. But Marvin was released two days later just forty-eight hours before Jason would arrive at his house.

* * *

 There were very few moments where life seemed simple in Cordelia's life; one of those moments is when Charlotte would brush through her hair it was calming for both of them Charlotte would hum as she pulled the bristles through the damp strands of Cordelia’s golden hair. Small and simple moments like this kept Cordelia going through whatever shit life seemed to love to chuck at her.

* * *

 “How have you been feeling?” Cordelia brushed her hand through the middle of her hair parting it.

“Can we talk about anything but this?” Marvin had grown tired of his health.

“Well, I have two options; one is fun the other one is not fun.”

“Number two I guess then finish off with the good thing.”

“Oh boy,” she paused, “I think I have a drinking problem Charlotte is set on it.”

“Really?” Marvin exclaimed almost instinctually thinking about the subject further it seemed to check out the last night Cordelia had spent sober with him was the last night he was in the hospital.

“Yeah, but I’m not some day drinker! I’m just drinking like every other night.” she tried to rationalize this feeding herself lies in the process.

“Well, almost every night and it doesn't matter what time it’s at it’s still not good.”

“I’ll quit drinking when I no longer have arms!” she lifted her cup dismissing the point all too quickly.

“What's the good news?”

Cordelia gave a large grin “Charlotte and I have been looking into a kid but like seriously this time.”

“How would you guys even have kids?” Marvin hadn't bothered to research the subject too closely since he would have little part if any in the process.

“Science stuff, stuff that Charlotte understands but I sure as hell don't.”

“Science babies,” Marvin trailed off not knowing where to go with this.

“Yeah exactly!”

* * *

 "I thought it was against something for Jewish people to get tattoos." Cordelia took a sip of her drink.

"Yeah but teenage rebellion ya know."

"What teenager gets a Virginia Wolf tattoo for rebellion?"

"One who was raised in a conservative Jewish household." Trina let her pant leg fall disguising the tattoo once more "What's the stories behind yours?"

_"Oh god." Cordelia had four tattoos that she often forgot about herself "Well the mountains on my arm are mostly because one night someone,” this someone was Whizzer the fact it was him simply escaped her at that moment “drunkenly said they'd look cool so like two years later I got it."_

_"How the fuck do you remember that but not like my birthday?"_

_Cordelia moved her sleeve down "I didn't 'forget' your birthday you're an adult without children you don't get a birthday."_

_He scowled "I'm celebrating your's every year now. November 2nd mark it down, bitches."_

"I just like birds so I have one of them on my shoulder and then a flock on my shin." she hated how none of her tattoos had too much meaning "And a cross on my foot because why not?"

_"I can't believe you won't get a little star and my name!" Whizzer huffed jokingly "It's unfair!"_

"If you die tragically which you are too boring _to, I will get your name right here." she flipped him off._

_"I will haunt you and hold you to your word."_

_"Sure babe."_

* * *

 “Our lease is ending” Charlotte called from the master bathroom seemingly out of nowhere.

“And?” it seemed like such a mundane thing why even bring it up?

“I was thinking that we could move?” Charlotte leaned in the doorway.

“Char.” Cordelia tilted her head slightly.

“I know but do we really need to stay here we could move closer to the hospital?”

Cordelia motioned to the wall that they shared with Marvin “But he’s stuck here what if something happens?”

“Jason is with him more now.”

“Jason shouldn't have to deal with that.” the fact that Jason even knew irked Cordelia he shouldn't have been kept in the dark but he still shouldn't know; this was the dilemma that kept Cordelia up at night staring at the ceiling fan made loops around itself.

Charlotte breathed out “We could sign a six-month lease.” giving Marvin another six months to live on his own seemed less than generous to Cordelia.

“I could live with that.”

* * *

 “ _You can stay here as long as you need you don't have to leave so soon!” Cordelia caught Whizzer’s arm as he just almost left her apartment._

_“Nah Delia I’ll be fine; Whizzer Brown always lands on his feet.” he almost informed her._

_“Do you have someone to go?” it had been two days nobody could find housing that quickly anywhere let alone New York._

_“I’ll be fine. I’ll call tonight I promise!” and with that Cordelia let him fly the nest at the promise of a call that he did in fact fulfill._

* * *

 “I’m gonna get a new tattoo.” Cordelia had leaned as far back as she could in her chair hands placed on her stomach simply gazing at the stars.

“Really what?” Cordelia had been thinking about what to get since her conversation with Trina what must have been four maybe five months ago?

“I’m gonna get his camera I think.” she knew the name but it didn't reach her mouth so it simply remained ‘his camera’.

“Huh.” this wasn't inquisitive rather simply the only response Marvin could come up with.

Getting said tattoo wasn't awfully painful it felt simply like cat scratches, awful and quick cat scratches but cat scratches nonetheless. And soon after a few hours of those cat scratched upon her skin laid the portrait of a camera one that even it’s bulky design seemed to be so sleek in her mind, a portrait of a camera that had printed out so many photos of her, a portrait of a camera that would stay fresh in her mind almost every single moment of her life.

Jason had been sitting with her and Marvin a few days after she had gotten the tattoo she had put her arm out to display it.

“It’s weird that I can still remember that dumb camera.” Marvin murmured Jason hadn't brought it out in a while well not around his father at least.

“I still have it, it’s at Mom’s though.” he had been storing it there for a while the camera the yearbook club had granted him was nicer though he would occasionally bring it down at someone’s request.

“That camera’s gonna haunt this family for years to come, you're gonna give it to your kid and then boom centuries later it’s become almost Fuchs family lore.” Cordelia had been correct on the fact that Jason would give to Polaroid to his daughter who took the hobby fairly easily.

* * *

 “Hanging out here again?” Charlotte poked her head through the window that overlooked their fire escape.

“Oh yeah wanna come out?” without answer Charlotte climbed out sitting next to her fiancé “So how was your day?”

“Good, Mendel was seeing his patients today so we had coffee, plus nobody died today well at least when I was there.”

“Oh god, when was the last time that happened? Two maybe three years?”

“Jason must have been twelve!”

“Where has the time gone?” Cordelia laid her head against Charlotte's shoulder.

Charlotte laughed “Two years isn't that long ya drama queen!”

* * *

 “One semester down one to go!” Cordelia had opted to drive Jason on the day that he went on winter break mostly to save him from the cold and icy walk that he would’ve taken to get to his Father’s apartment.

“And then just six more semesters then college.” Cordelia thought for a second just to confirm that six semesters was correct.

“And then some more college because you're a nerd who wants to be a doctor.”

“I know! Like who am I trying to impress just go to nursing school!” this line unintentionally mirrored something that Charlotte was often told in her college years.

* * *

 The family didn't do much for new years despite how much Mendel seemed to enjoy to the holiday. The six had simply gathered at Marvin’s apartment and when the clock hit midnight welcomed in 1984 with a small cheer and telling Jason to go to sleep he did with a protest of “I’m almost fifteen! Can't I stay up until 12:30 at least?” this was met with a simple no from Trina who even in a home that was not her own somehow held some command.

“Don’t forget to return the pyrex!” at 12:30 on the dot Trina and Mendel left to go home partly because the psychiatrist had been nodding off for most of the night. This left Charlotte, Cordelia, and Marvin a trinity of people that harmonized well. But as one am came around Charlotte turned in for the night mentioning that she had to get back to sleeping at normal hours now that she was off the night shift.

“I can leave too if ya want.” the shiksa offered as the door slammed behind her fiancé.

“Only if you want to? I mean I didn't plan on sleeping much.” Marvin had been awake for most of this week getting a max of maybe twelve hours since the previous Sunday.

“Don't you have work?”

Marvin thought of ways to dodge this question but his mind went blank “Yeah.”

“Well then I should get going,” she walked to get her coat “Don't want to keep you up any later.” she traced her steps to squeeze his hand and with that Marvin was left with a silent apartment with walls that seemed all too empty.

* * *

 “Why are you getting so old it’s not fair!” Cordelia ruffled the top of Jason's head.

“Don't forget tall!” Trina added she didn't enjoy the fact that Jason was nearly the tallest one in the house now.

“I had no idea what to put on the cake by the way,” she trailed off for a second pulling the opaque top off of to reveal her cake “So it just says halfway to thirty?” she pulled her lips back awkwardly Mendel laughed at least he did the rest of the family only seemed slightly amused.

“I feel like a happy birthday should have come first?” Marvin wasn't sure how the woman had ended up with a caption like that.

“Nah I like it!” Jason smiled showing off nearly braces-free teeth.

* * *

 Cordelia was never sure how to deal with hospitalization; not with her Father, not with Whizzer, and sure as hell not with Marvin. When Jason found Marvin in a state that could only be described as “god-awful” by the kid later that night Cordelia was at all loss once more not only had the worse situation happened with Jason finding out his father was sick in the worst way possible but only an hour later Marvin was admitted to the hospital for a stay that Cordelia knew would last longer than his previous ones. This catastrophe was collapsing in on her and she simply wanted to crumble with it like a card house in a hurricane. But she couldn't, she had a job to do which was nightly guard and company; sure they were small but they were all she could seem to do.

“Deja Vu right?” Marvin had placed his hands on across his torso and was now smirking at Cordelia.

“What?” she understood what he meant but it almost seemed out of place here.

“The hospital room again, the beeping, the smell, the god-awful tiles.” Marvin seemed to pick out the things that Cordelia remembered most.

“Don't forget the scratchy masks they yell at you for taking off.” this had been an ongoing battle when Whizzer had first come to stay in the hospital, she didn't like the feel or the look of the mask or how to muffled her voice when all she wanted was to speak clearly to her friend “I took it off almost every night.”

Marvin gave a watery laugh “I played along for a while until I noticed nobody else did then it was just stupid.”

“Always a trend follower never a setter.”

“What can I say? It’s what I’m good at.”

* * *

 “So how are you feeling after all of this?” Charlotte tapped her fingers on the top of the steering wheel Cordelia looked back at Jason who had seated himself in the back seat.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you or do you just not want to talk.”

The truth was Jason didn't want to talk out of fear that he might cry and that wasn't the front he wanted to put up for his father “I’m fine he’ll be fine.” Charlotte didn’t want to tell him otherwise he didn’t want to tell himself otherwise.

* * *

 There were very few moments that seemed truly chaos free to Cordelia she was always thinking about Marvin or Jason but the bi-weekly plan of tea with Trina always made it seem as if they were living in a pre-epidemic era in that small hour-long timeframe Cordelia could truly allow herself to breathe. The conversation was kept light and the world was still, Trina was truly some kind of magic.

* * *

 Days drew incredibly long at the hospital there was only so much she could do here but the loneliness and guilt that came with going home caught up with her too quickly and so she sat in the uncomfortable chair for hours on end doodling on lined paper waiting for either Marvin to wake up, for him to answer her, or for simply something to happen.

Cordelia missed the light conversations she once had with Marvin they now all seemed to drag at her.

“Do you ever think; god this could be the last moment I spend with this person?” Marvin rubbed his hand across his face stretching and distorting it in a way that made Cordelia almost want to laugh.

“Yes like every second of every day.” she played it as a joke when truly she was constantly on the edge of her seat just waiting for death to get her in one foul swoop.

“How do you get past that?”

Cordelia wasn't sure why Marvin was coming to her for advice she didn't want to give “I just try to talk about something that will make them laugh.” she shrugged “It’s the only thing I seem to be good at.”

“Want me to try?”

Finally, a moment that seemed to give the opportunity of talk that wasn't death centered “Very much so.”

“Well, Trina and I didn't get any baby books after Jason was born because we assumed we had one book to read him at least.”

“Did you not get toys too? That seems like one of the essentials.”

“Yeah we were young and stupid.” god fifteen years passed so quickly “So Trina had been reading him Jane Austen, which was probably not age appropriate either, but one night Jason is just crying and he won't stop and Trina is just fucking exhausted so I take Jason out into the living room and try to read him to sleep. So I pull out ‘Moby Dick’ because I can't stand Jane Austen.”

“Did you guys understand what a baby was or did you just not care?” she smirked.

“I think it was a mix of the two.” he returned the smirk “Well I’m reading to him and he’s calmed down by now so I’m just trying to get him to sleep and Trina comes out of the bedroom and she notices I’m reading ‘Moby Dick’ and she just kinda freaks out because it’s ‘Moby Dick’ and I’m trying to play it off cool and she just asks ‘What chapter are you even on?’ as if that was going to change anything.” Marvin seemed to trail off for a second “And I respond ‘Chapter 32’ and she just rolls her eyes and goes ‘You couldn't even read him a good chapter?’” the man seemed amused by this story but it didn't quite land with his companion.

“I don't get it.” she cocked her head.

“Basically that chapter is devoted to describing whales like out of nowhere people despise it.”

Cordelia chuckled it didn't quite click still but she didn't want to be rude.

* * *

 

Cordelia leaned in the doorway as Jason recounted the plot to some musical he, Mendel, and Trina had gone to see last night. It was one that Cordelia had seen before with Whizzer he had dragged her saying _“Gay people on stage Delia what could be better?”_ he was enthused and seemed to genuinely love it so Cordelia feigned delight. She never could get into theatre.

The boy god could she even think of him like that anymore? No, he would always be a ‘boy’ in her mind. The boy looked up at the clock that showed 5:12 “Oh shit I should get out to the car Mom will be waiting.” he exclaimed grabbing his backpack.

“Jason! Language.” Cordelia corrected even though Marvin didn't seem to want to correct the word.

“Sorry Cor!” he ran out before round the corner of the hallway yelling back “Bye! Love you!”

“God he’s getting too big.” Cordelia had always teased the boy that he would never get to her height but now that joke was seeming less and less likely.

“Truly. Did you hear he’s the tallest one in the Weisenbachfeld house now.” Marvin laughed inwardly “So you here for the night?”

She clapped his calf clamping onto it for a second “Yup.”

“Good.” he paused “Did you hear him talking about that show?”

“God yeah.” he had been so excited about it Cordelia just couldn't understand it was about an audition what was so exciting about that?

“If he becomes a theatre kid I might die right here.”

“You got a nerdy kid Marv science and theatre are all you're gonna get.”

“You should take him to one for his birthday or something.” Cordelia was going to say that Marvin should do it himself but she stopped herself.

“That’s something that Charlotte should do, I’d just sneak out during intermission.”

“God, you have no respect for the arts do you?”

“I do just not Broadway.” she laughed.

* * *

 

Charlotte had promised that she would keep Marvin company that night “Sleep tonight! It’ll be nice.” she was wrong the empty apartment was bad as it was but at around three she heard a crash from the hall and decided to investigate. There stood three people she judged that they could be older than twenty-five all attempting to move a couch.

“Need any help with that?” Cordelia offered her assistance almost out of boredom.

“Yeah, thanks!” the woman at the farthest left edge of the couch called she had ginger hair that curled around the bottom she was wearing an outfit that reminded Cordelia of something that she would have worn in her college years.

The successfully moved the couch into the empty apartment, Marvin’s empty apartment. Cordelia shouldn't have been shocked she was the one who emptied it out but that's how she wanted it; empty. Not filled with some recent graduates filled with hope for the future. Marvin was really gone, wasn't he? His life was moved out of this apartment complex everything he owned was scattered.

Pushing that from her mind “Well hey I’m Cordelia I live in thirty-six with my,” she always hated this part “friend Charlotte!” she smiled widely clasping her hands.

The other woman motion to herself she had sleek black hair and eyes almost as dark “Well I’m Betty!” she motioned to the other woman “That's Devon,” then to the man a tall but not lanky brunette with wire-framed glasses “and that's Kevin!”

“Well I should get back home I hope the rest of your move goes smoothly.”

Betty smiled “Thanks! Hope to see you later Cordelia!”

They were nice she shouldn't have a problem with them but she couldn't help but demonize them in her head because they dared to move into an empty apartment? She was just being stupid, wasn't she?

* * *

 

Cordelia had brought a bundle of family photos that night but they barely got through, at the sight of a baby Jason being held by a young Trina he nearly cried “God he was so small.” Marvin held the photo just a foot away from his face as if he wanted to memorize every single detail of the frame.

“Trina looks so young there. Not that she looks old but- I’ll just stop.” Cordelia commented.

“She must have been twenty-two, twenty-three at the oldest we went to California to visit her sister,” Marvin explained without prompt.

“How old was she when she had Jason?” Cordelia had been told before but she could never really remember.

“Twenty almost twenty-one.” god Trina couldn't even legally drink when she had Jason and yet Cordelia was sitting here wondering if she could really handle a kid.

“You guys got married before Jason was born right?”

“Yeah, her mother managed to plan it in a month to avoid suspicion a lot of people still think that Jason was born too early because we announced it maybe a month after the wedding.”

“That seems like such a big mess.”

“It was couldn't just let the kid be born a bastard right?” Marvin rolled his eyes “I never understood her family.” then silence took over the sanitary room “Ya know I miss our conversations on the balcony.”

“Really?” Cordelia hadn't thought twice about them. Of course, she wouldn't have those were the last thing on her mind right now.

“Yeah just talking in the fresh air.”

“I’ll sneak you outside someday we’ll just talk and talk and talk until you fall asleep or a nurse yells at me to go away and brings you inside.”

“I’d like that.”

“I would too that would be nice.” god now that he mentioned she would kill to go back to those nights back before this mess.

_Cordelia had baked cookies for each neighbor who had accepted them graciously other than the one who lived directly next door, he had shrugged off her knocks she knew he was home she could hear him at night so it wasn’t vacant. The woman had almost been defeated by this antisocial neighbor until she decided to give it one last shot a plate of cookies in hand she armed herself for one last attempt._

_The man who had hidden for so long finally opened his door and for that Cordelia would forever be grateful, he was tall standing nearly five inches about her "Hello." his voice was lukewarm at best._

_"Hi!" she smiled widely "I'm Cordelia I just moved in my with my best friend next door!"_

_"Best friend?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Funny I figured you guys were something more." he shrugged, this small comment made Cordelia's blood turn cold she had been planning this elaborate story in her head and this stranger had already unraveled it within two weeks of her living in his general vicinity._

_She decided to play dumb "Really what?"_

_"I'd rather not say the wrong people can take it another way."_

_So he had "I'm not the wrong person," she trailed off not sure what to call him 'sir' seemed right but he couldn't be too much older than her._

_"Marvin."_

_"Well, Marvin I promise that I am not the wrong kind of person."_

_"Well now I'm slightly embarrassed." he shrugged "I figured you were dating, I mean I've only heard her called honey within the past weeks."_

_"God the walls are thin aren't they." she stared at seemingly nothing._

_"I'm gonna take that as a yes."_

_"You caught us." she smiled at least he seemed okay with this "Well I made you cookies." she held them out._

_"Oh thank you." he seemed almost too surprised._

_That weekend the plate was returned by a small kid who she assumed to be from apartment thirty-five until he turned around to say "Marvin says thank you for the cookies." so Marvin had a kid interesting._

_Cordelia had invited him over for dinner simply wanting to know more about this secretive man, dinner was quiet he didn't seem to be one for conversation._

_"So you have a kid right?" Cordelia was still shaky on that fact he did call Marvin by his first name._

_"Oh yeah, Jason he dropped off the plate last week."_

_"Yeah, he talked to me for like ten minutes."_

_"He would have been there for hours if you had brought up the right topic." the rest of the night went well until Marvin went to get his coat a picture caught his eye "By any chance would that man happen to be named Whizzer?" he pointed to the framed photo of Whizzer and Charlotte at her graduation._

_"Yeah! How do you know him."_

_"Oh just bars and stuff." he smiled. So their new neighbor was queer, no straight person would know Whizzer from a 'bar'._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it sad? I'm not sure.... well here we go! New arc new grief woooooo also this fic is longer than Hamlet so fun! Okay I wrote a lot of the family just being normal again because I wanted that contrast that this was truly a defining event. Also this bitch is long as fuck because I have a fuck ton to say at this point it's like a fucking novel


	20. I Have Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason is thrown into rough waters once more and finds himself unable to swim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten days is a long time but I find it difficult to write Jason so that's why. 20th chapter woooooo!

Jason knew it was wrong to ask Charlotte about his father but who else was there? The only problem was that Charlotte refused to tell him simply brushing off his questions with something along the lines of she wasn’t sure or it was really none of her business. At some point, Jason had just stopped trying until he realized that Cordelia would know, surely she will everyone else seemed like they did why would she be left out? There was no real way to bring this up how could there be? But then one morning his father slipped out leaving a convenient gap of time to ask Cordelia.

“Do you know if he’s getting sicker?”

“Why do ya ask bud?” she seemed to dance around the question.

“Well he’s been looking, off recently.” his father would never look like the peak of health or wellness but he never looked so sallow and almost vacant behind the eyes.

“Well,” she paused “Well he hasn't mentioned it to me and he looks like he always does he’s probably been working on something stressful.” Cordelia surely wouldn’t unless Marvin had told her the story seemed to check out. 

* * *

"Who's that?" Heather lifted her head from her notebook to point at a framed picture of Cordelia and Whizzer both were smiling standing in front of a beach Jason didn't recognize

"Oh, that's my aunt Cordelia and my step Dad Whizzer."

"I never did meet Whizzer." Heather trailed balancing her chin on an outstretched palm.

"He was nice.” 

* * *

 

Jason had never entertained the idea of visiting Whizzer’s grave, he simply didn’t want to everyone else seemed to do it hell Mendel went with Trina once but he hadn’t been in two years it must be nearing three. Now seemed like the time to do it he would be home alone for the weekend and the cemetery wasn’t far off, that was truly the downside of the burial site. His time there was silent, he didn’t speak because that would simply be counterproductive, he didn’t lay flowers under the marble headstone who’s dates read all too short. 

* * *

 

“Do you think life will ever be normal?” the question seemed to roll off his tongue so easily but he regretted saying it.

His Mother stopped unloading groceries into the fridge to turn to him “What?”

“Do you think life will ever be normal for the family again?”

“Isn't this normal?” she returned to her previous task.

“It doesn't feel normal.” he leaned against the wall.

“Well we never had normal,” that to Jason read as a lie they had a normal but this sure as hell wasn't it “so normal is something we’ll ever have.” the thought wasn't that comforting couldn't normal just exist in his world? 

* * *

 

Cordelia had come over to their apartment just before Jason went to bed he slept for what he knew to be a few hours but then he woke up with nothing but darkness surrounding him trying to get back to sleep was futile and so Jason decided to simply sit in the living room listening to the slight bustle that came from their patio until the sliding of the glass door signified that somebody had now joined this late night party. Jason didn’t need to turn his head to know that it was Cordelia it was now or never to get a better answer, a true answer.

“He’s getting worse isn't he?” Jason didn’t need to say who ‘he’ was because Cordelia would know.

“You’re too smart ya know?” the shiksa leaned against the wall fixating her eyes on Jason.

“What?” saying that he was smart was by far the weirdest distraction somebody has come up with.

“Other kids wouldn't notice that or any of this. It’s almost scary that you caught on.”

“So he is?” it had already clicked in Jason’s head at this point.

Cordelia slowly closed her eyes it was reminiscent of something that Trina would often do “Yes.”

Jason got up and wrapped his arms around her shoulders she looked almost as if she were crying “Are you okay?”

“Are you okay Jas?” she seemed to change the subject to focus on his fairly easily.

“No.” he couldn’t lie to her at that point.

“We’re in this together that can't hurt.” it was a small reassurance but one that lifted both of them ever so slightly “We’re always next door if you need us or if he needs us or if you want food that isn't pizza or eggs.” he laughed “I love you and Charlotte and I are always here for you.” she placed a kiss on his forehead.

“I love you too Delia.” she pulled him close to her chest again holding him there for a few minutes.

“Now I have to go, but I’ll be here tomorrow if you need to talk to somebody. Should I tell Charlotte that you know or-?” Jason nodded “Okay kid.”

“Goodnight Cor.”

“Goodnight Jas.” 

* * *

“I told you I could braid your hair!” Trina pulled away as she tightened a black hair tie around the smallest bit of hair.

Jason smoothed the braid that traveled close to his head “Wow I need a haircut.” he pursed his lips.

Trina gave an exaggerated frown “I kinda like it! I can braid it before you sleep!” 

* * *

 

“How about a family celebration?”

“I’d be okay with that.” Mendel had been pushing to celebrate Jason’s birthday that year mostly because his Mother wanted to so desperately.

The apartment was filled with the family once more Cordelia bringing a cake adorned with “Halfway to thirty!” there was no reason for Jason to be uncomfortable, he should be happy but his gut simply wouldn't allow, these big celebrations would never truly be happy for Jason it felt to him as if he was looking in on a happy family rather than being part of it. He simply excused himself after cake saying that he was tired and went to his room watching the fan loop itself over and over again. Sleep came easily but he just wished that he was downstairs laughing with his family. 

* * *

 

“It’s unfair that you're older than me now!” Heather pulled the straps of her bag out slouching under the weight ever so slightly.   
“I was older than you before?”

“No, but now it’s like ‘This is my friend Heather she’s fourteen’!”

Jason laughed “Who introduces someone like that?”

“You now that you’re fifteen.” she stopped promptly outside of his apartment complex “Well,” she stuck her fist out “See ya on Monday!”

He gave her a fist bump “See you on Monday!” Jason would not see Heather the next Monday he would have been kept home.

Jason arrived home to a dark apartment he called out for his father no response. He walked into his room to see a light emanating from under the bathroom door he knocked.

“Call Charlotte.” his voice was breathless and rushed. Jason instinctively opened the door his father was firm against the wall sweating profusely his skin was pale to the point where some of his veins were visible his eyes were sunken and seemed to look off to nothing, his arms seemed so boney almost too skinny. Jason slammed the door running to the kitchen to dial the number that belonged to the apartment that sat just next door.

“Jas kid-” Charlotte began to spoke thank god she was the first one to answer.

“You have to come over my dad he looks so awful,” Jason could finish Charlotte had already hung up and just a minute later had thrown open the door. “He’s in the bathroom.” she rushed past him saving the niceties. She barreled out of the master bedroom Marvin in her arms she was practically running.

She shouted over her shoulder “Cordelia’s waiting for you.” in all of the commotions Jason found himself unable to move from his spot in the floor. After a few minutes, Cordelia got the message that he wasn't coming and soon rounded the corner entering the apartment. There were no words spoken between the two Jason pushed her away when she attempted to hug him so the two simply stood in silence.   
“He looked so awful.” Jason had been picking at his dinner for the past few minutes neither one of them were hungry really but dinner was a nice distraction.

“I didn't see him.” Cordelia had no words the conversation was an awkward staccato.

“Lucky,” Jason put his fork down deciding that tonight dinner was not an option “Did you know that he had gotten that bad?” he almost wanted someone to blame for this situation if someone had just noticed or said something earlier tonight they would have gone to a movie and then had a nice and quiet weekend, this was nothing like his plan.

“No.” Cordelia accent poked its way through her words she was almost too stressed to do anything about it “That's the thing about Marvin,” she had given up on calling Marvin ‘your father’ around Jason the words seemed so unnatural “He’s good at letting everything simmer and then boom, it all comes bubbling up.” Cordelia lifted her plate to go scrape it off and was it she did the same with Jason's plate.

This felt like babysitting but worse you had a kid whose entire family had just been thrown back into the circle of grief, what could you do? Cordelia simply asked the one question she knew to ask “Do you want to do anything?”

Jason shrugged “We were going to see a movie.”

“Do you still want to?” he nodded and the two set off on their journey. Jason couldn't remember much of the movie there was something about Brazil and an affair, daughters maybe? He wasn't really paying attention neither was Cordelia who had been nodding off for a majority of the movie. When they got home she grabbed a blanket from the closet and set herself up to sleep on the couch. Jason attempted to sleep in his bed that night but it was nearly impossible, physically he was exhausted but there was something blocking him from sleeping. He dragged his pillow and blanket out to the living room and slept on the scratchy rug that night. Jason woke up to a golden light shining in his eyes it must have been early morning he had barely slept but when he commanded his body to go back to sleep it defied him leaving the teen the lay on the floor.

When Cordelia woke up she simply starting packing the hallway closet into cardboard boxes. So this truly was the ending of an era, soon this entire apartment would be empty and Jason would have no other home but his mother’s, soon every second and fourth week of the months would have no real significance, soon the routine that Jason had considered so normal would be over and he would have to readjust once again. 

* * *

 

Jason knew that anytime his mother pitched going to the theatre it was purely a distraction she had done it after the almost infamous slap incident, then when Whizzer first went to the hospital, and then again when Jason had discovered that his father was sick, and this most recent chapter of grief that was thrust upon the family was no exception for this theatre rule.

“Come on it’ll be fun!” she rested her arms on the top of the chair. Jason couldn’t come up with a protest she was right it would be fun and simple so why not go? Well, she wasn’t taking no for an answer and so the family loaded into the car again for a night of distraction theatre. They had gone to see a musical whose name had changed on Trina’s lips from ‘A Chorus Line’ to simply ‘Chorus’. He had enjoyed it enough, it had always been easy to pay attention to whatever show they had gone to it was a calm within the midst of a storm almost always.

Mendel hung his coat on the hooks that sat next to the door “Do you want to visit your Father?”

“When?” Jason hadn’t been yet it had been nearly a month he had found himself wanting to go but he was afraid to ask.

“Tomorrow,” Trina answered in place of Mendel.

“Yes.” he didn’t need to think too much about his answer he already knew. 

* * *

 

"Well then I said that Andrei was possibly the worst character and he said something like 'Well he's willing to call out Russia's problem' so I said 'Your only on book one, of course, you think that'!" this almost all went over Marvin's head he understood none of the things that had left his son's mouth.

"Your something else kid." Marvin smiled "So other than arguing about War & Peace what have you been doing?"

"We went to see a show last night!" Jason leaned forward in his chair.

"Really what?" Marvin had been a theatre kid in high school and college but he now found himself clueless about nearly everything drama related.

"Chorus," Jason paused scrunching his eyebrows "A Chorus Line! Sorry, Mom changed the name like fifteen times."

The name rang too familiar for Marvin Whizzer had dragged him to it for his birthday god had it really been three years since that? "What's it about?" Marvin knew the plot already but he needed this conversation to continue.

"So it's basically an audition for this new Broadway show," Jason talked through the sentence with his hands "And the person running the audition is like 'Tell me about your life and stuff. So everybody is just sure so they play along, for the most part, some are just like 'Why would you need to know that?'" Marvin nodded "But there's this woman Cassidy or something?" Jason was never good with names especially when they came out so quickly "And she dated the guy running the audition but she broke off from Broadway to go to Hollywood but she couldn't find work so now she's looking for a chorus part."

"Sounds interesting we'll have to go sometime." Marvin grinned.

Even if Jason knew somewhere in his mind that he would never have a night out with his father again he nodded, smiled, and exclaimed "Yeah! That would be great!" he glanced to the clock it read 5:12 his mother had said she'd be outside at five. “Oh shit I should get out to the car Mom will be waiting.”

"Jason! Language.” Cordelia corrected his Father simply laughed.

“Sorry Cor!” he ran out before round the corner of the hallway yelling back “Bye! Love you!” 

* * *

 

Charlotte had asked if Jason wanted to pack up his room or if she should do it. He wanted to do it himself it was only fair if the past four years were going to be packed neatly into cardboard boxes it should be by his hand. His room was somewhat barren when compared to the one he had at Trina's but he had begun to start decorating it more when he had started going over every other week, now that work was wasted. He rolled up his poster tying them tight with rubber bands, folded his bedding to make it easier on Cordelia later, started to go through his clothing decided on whether he would donate them or keep them. Those tasks were easy enough they were busy work; problems arose when he had to go through his bookshelf. The shelves were stacked with books, nicknacks, but mostly small things that he found himself almost too attached to. A snowglobe Whizzer had gotten him for Christmas before he knew that the entire family was Jewish “Well I suppose this is your first and only Christmas present!” that was an obvious keeper. On the third shelf sat a small note that Cordelia had written to him on his twelfth birthday “Happy Birthday Jas! I know that I'm the least cool person you know but I just wanted to say happy birthday! Twelve is the last year you have to be a nerd before Charlotte makes fun of you! (It'll be out of love don't worry she's a nerd too)” he could get rid of that right? It was a stupid note she had written so many others to him, he decided to save it saying he'd use it as a bookmark. Sitting next to the note was a leather journal that he had deemed to nice to write in his Mother had left it on his bed after Whizzer had left seemingly forever, he had never questioned where it came from but it certainly wasn't going. Sandwiched in between a copy of some book on Greek myths and ‘Little Women’ was a photo Charlotte, his father, and Mendel stood at their kitchen island under it written in sharpie was ‘Char, Mendel, and Dad 1983/84 Jan 1st’ god Jason wished he could go back to that night more than anything just to have everyone together in an environment that wasn't so depressing. Jason ended up keeping everything on that bookshelf everything there was too precious to get rid of there was only one of every single item in the world why throw them out? 

* * *

 

“What happened to ‘see you on Monday?’” Heather elbowed Jason in the arm.

“Oh well, then I got the flu.”

“Two months, that must have been one hell of a ‘flu’.” Heather seemed to doubt Jason.

“Yeah, or I just died and you're bullying some poor kid who just looks like Jason.” he joked.

“Well, that ‘poor kid’ better get used to the bullying!” 

* * *

 

 _“God keep me from ever completing anything. This whole book is but a draught_ nay _, but the draught of a draught. Oh, Time, Strength, Cash, and Patience!" Jason finished the page folding the page to save his spot._

_"God, you really read this?" Whizzer picked up the book to read the back._

_"Sometimes! Marvin read it to me when I was a baby."_

_The tall man scoffed "That explains too much."_

_Jason scrunched his face "How?"_

_"You're like a mini adult, toy sized," he trailed off for a second not sure where his joke was going "I mean what_ fifth _grader reads Moby Dick?"_

_"I'm in fourth grade." Jason corrected his father made the same mistake often._

_"Sorry fourth grader. You also call Marvin 'Marvin'." he put air quotes around his lover's name._

_"Well, that's his name."_

_"What do you call Trina?"_

_"Mother or Mom but only sometimes."_

_"We should get you a suit have the outside match your personality more."_

_"A suit would be," Jason couldn't think of a good describer "Sharp."_

* * *

 

“Someone moved in next door already.” Cordelia had mentioned this offhandedly as Trina attempted to teach her how to make latkes.

“Really?” Jason asked as his Mother correct Cordelia's measurement silently.

“Yeah.” she kept her eyes on the dough.

“That was fast.” the brunette exclaimed.

“Yeah really fast.” Jason pushed his chair out from the table.

* * *

 

"You're gonna be something great kid."

"You say that so much." his Dad was rather proud of everything but his encouragements seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"Because it's true." he turned his head "You're somehow smarter than almost any in this family."

"Charlotte still exists Dad."

"You'll beat her someday Fuchs's always rise Jas!" they both laughed for a second "But you're not arrogant like some people," in a small moment of self-awareness Marvin alluded to himself "But you're also just a kind person even as life has just thrown everything at you. You're something else Jas." Jason held back tears he couldn't break Cordelia's rule: Don't cry around Marvin "And I didn't say it enough." that was the breaking point there was nothing left for Jason to say to himself that would calm him down before he could even comprehend it tears had already rolled down his cheek.

He gestured for his father to move over he sat on the bed wrapping his arms around his father's neck "I love you."

"I love you too." he placed his hand on his son's back.

"I don't want to lose you." and as if someone had flipped a switch Marvin too started crying.

"I don't want to lose you, I'm fighting so hard to not, please believe that."

When six rolled around and Jason was still not outside Trina got worried parking the car she walked into the single bedroom only to find her ex-husband and soon laying together recovering from tears "I'll give you longer." she, in fact, gave them until morning at Jason's request he just needed more time with Marvin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all should read and the band plays on it's really good! Also my tumblr is penicillinsteve feel free to message me on there I love to talk to new people! Also I haven't said my name yet I'm Sahara! Love ya face have a lovely day/night! If you've been reading this far what do you think? Comments really help me like a lot


	21. Losing my Timing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trina falls a beat behind and can't seem to catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so like I added something to Cordelia's chapter and I'm going to add something to the end of Jason's chapter I just really wanted to get this up. So look out for that tomorrow.

Life seemed to pass rather easily now sure there would always be that slight edge of never being fully assured if Marvin was going to be okay but she could let her guard down for just a few days that was until over tea Cordelia brought up something that she wished she simply didn’t hear.

“Marvin has KS.” Trina didn’t need an explanation on what ‘KS’ was she understood that it meant the end of this period of her life.

“Oh.” she pushed her mug away because she lost her interest in it so easily “I knew he was going to get sick,” she closed her eyes slowly keeping them closed “I just didn’t think it would all be so soon.”

“Well Marvin’s getting worse,” Trina lifted back the duvet that covered her half of the bed “So that’s fun.” she let a sharp breath out.

“Worse?” she was sure Mendel knew right? He couldn't have been kept in the dark this long.

“Cordelia said that he's been officially diagnosed with KS” Trina put air quotes around ‘KS’ as she wasn't fully sure what it was exactly.

“Oh.” Mendel looked down for a second “Does Jason know?”

“I'm sure he does. If not Marvin will tell him within the week.” this was something Trina was counting on she was so often the bearer of bad news but never the arms to run to.

_“Whizzer's in the hospital.” Trina had just hung up the phone on the other end was a weepy Marvin._

_Jason lifted his head from his paper “What?”_

_“Whizzer is in the hospital,” she repeats._

_“No I got that just,” Jason paused for a few seconds “Why?”_

_“He collapsed while he was playing racquetball with your Father.” she pulled out the chair next to Jason to sit next to her son “He'll be fine I'm sure probably just an exhaustion thing.” she knew that this was unlikely Marvin would have been less worried if it was a simple problem with an even more simplistic fix._

_“How long is he going to be there?”_

_“End of the week at most.”_

_“Can we visit.”_

_Trina shrugged “You'll have to ask your Dad.”_

_Jason was less than pleased with the course of action the adults had decided to take with Whizzer's illness. There was no beaten path for an undiagnosed illness, so the route that the family seemed to be taking was the only one they could think of._

_“So you're just gonna watch him and hope that he gets better.” Trina stayed silent keeping her eyes on the road she had talking about this with him so much why wouldn't he understand that she wasn't sure either “So you are. Why though isn't there something we can do? Just watching him wither away is cruel a-”_

_Trina hit her flat palm down hard on the top of the wheel “We can't do anything Jason there's nothing for this it's a freak thing okay?” she had grown sick of holding her tongue, god she had become this bad guy hadn't she? This was now her position, the bad guy, the messenger of bad news, the person who gives you the short end of the stick. She didn't like it, it didn't suit her well._

* * *

 Their bedroom was bland by almost a fault of their own. When Trina moved in it had been nearly empty, Mendel hadn’t had time to decorate so she simply moved in a set of drawers but four years had seen very little improvement to the bedroom.

“Maybe we should paint the wall?” Mendel stared up at the wall that their bed was pushed up against.

“Yeah, that would bring more colour in.” Trina pulled a brush through her hair “I was going to say pink but you and Jason would probably come home with hot pink paint.”

Mendel rolled his eyes “Jason wouldn’t let me come home with that.” Trina laughed.

* * *

 All Trina wanted was a few hours a week devoid of the chaos that seemed to plague Trina’s life and Cordelia provided some of that. For at least one hour a week, they would sit together and drink tea and talk about whatever came to mind. Cordelia was kind enough to keep it light something that would stick within Trina’s mind for many years. The shiksa that Trina had thought anything but highly of at first had become a permanent pillar in her life, this was a friendship that Trina would forever be grateful for.

* * *

 “My Mother wants to talk to the family.” Marvin had called during dinner.

“Why?” Trina had assumed Marvin’s family wanted nothing to do with her after the divorce.

“I don’t know I think she’s still under the impression that our marriage could be fixed. Six years apart and she’s holding on to that little hope.” his Mother was unaware of the existence of Mendel and Whizzer and the fact that both Trina and Marvin had moved on from their ten years together “We can push it off until the entire family is together.”

“That would probably be best.” his ex-wife breathed out adding a small tinge of a laugh at the end “So what’s the situation with her; does she know about Whizzer, that Whizzer is dead and didn’t just leave, or is she in that small group that doesn’t even know we’re not living together.”

“I don’t even know. She knows about the divorce,”

“God how could I forget that she flew out when you told her.”

“She brought the most drama to the entire situation it was,” Marvin froze unsure of what word to use “Ridiculous.”

“She doesn’t know about Whizzer and I plan on her not knowing about him.” that seemed fair “I don’t even know if she knows about Mendel.”

“Really?” that seemed like the last thing Trina would feel like she would need to tell his Mother “Well Abigail is going to be surprised next time she visits.”

“That’s if we let her find us.”

Trina laughed “She’d find a way to track us down I’m sure!”

* * *

 Mendel had been silent a lot recently his trips to the hospital were becoming shorter and shorter and farther apart, days at work became longer. This had happened once before shortly after his father’s heart attack Mendel simply burned out on his work.

“Is everything okay with your family?” Trina had brought this up over dinner without Jason around, that was something she made sure of that he didn’t need to know if anything was wrong with the extended family.

“Yeah, of course, they’re good!” Mendel smiled “Why?”

“Oh, nothing!” Trina lied rather easily, the words burnt her tongue “It’s just you’ve seen off recently.” she blurted out.

“Oh.” Mendel pushed himself away from the table “It’s nothing really just,” he looked up breathing out “Just stuff at the hospital, it’s not really anything big.” Trina stayed silent not wanting to push him away further. “But how was your day?”

* * *

 Trina was more than glad that Mendel had gotten Jason to agree to a small party for his birthday she had pushed to have Heather over but Jason refused, the family was enough for Trina though. That night was filled with laughter even after Jason had gone to bed. This was Trina’s family, wasn’t it?

* * *

 Trina wished she could have told herself the day before to not send Jason to his Father’s apartment, to call Charlotte to check in on Marvin that Friday afternoon, to have prepared something to say to Jason when his Father was finally hospitalized, to know what to do when Cordelia called asking her if she should keep Jason at the apartment, but that wasn’t how life worked she couldn’t just call her old self but now seemed like the perfect time to.

Mendel had driven Jason home that night on his way in Mendel whispered to Trina “Jason wants to talk to you without me.” he then shrugged and left for their bedroom.

Jason entered a few minutes later he had stayed in the car not wanting to get out, Trina pulled him in for a hug he rested his head on her shoulder not crying just standing wrapped in her embrace.

“Is he going to be okay?” Jason had asked this so many other time.

Sorrow bubbled in Trina's chest she felt tears coming with that simple question “I don’t know love.”

“Please just say yes.” Jason needed that lie right now something so little to hold onto.

“I’m sure everything will be alright.” with that tears streaked her face.

* * *

 Trina was the first one to visit Marvin she didn’t intentionally do it she simply hated the idea of him being alone.

“Hi.” she stood in the doorway her hands folded.

“Hey.” Marvin was sitting upright a book in his hands. She sat next to him and he went back to his book. Suddenly he looked up “We never did call my Mom did we?”

“No I don’t think so.” the last time they were together Marvin had gotten drunk and only remembered it after “I don’t think we should.”

“She'll need to know about all this someday.”

“I'll tell her next week give it some more time.”

“That's fair.”

* * *

 Trina hadn't thought about the letters that Whizzer had left all too often. They were stashed at the bottom of her sock drawer from time to time she'd wonder how exactly she was going to deliver them slipping a handwritten note from a passed loved one into someone's mailbox wasn't justice enough. But now that it seemed like Marvin wasn't going to get to the five-year mark that Whizzer had set Trina feared that he may never read the letter all because of her.

“I don't know honey it's just,” Trina couldn't think through a sentence “What would you do.”

Mendel leaned further back into his pillow “I don't know,” he closed his eyes “I'd give it to him while he's still decent.”

“So soon.” Trina shut off her bedside lamp casting the room in darkness.

“Yeah.”

“I love you.”

“Love ya more.”

Trina had brought one of her many family photo albums to show Marvin tucked within the last page was a letter from his long-gone lover. She wished that she had the courage to simply had it to him herself but bravery was not something Trina would ever come to associate herself with. They half mindedly flipped through the many pages of photos a lump formed in her throat as the began to reach the end she knew it was coming.

“Did you write this?” Marvin lifted the letter flipping it over to open the flap.

Trina placed her hand on Marvin's forearm “Whizzer did.”

“Oh.” he almost immediately stopped his process of opening the envelope.

“Yeah,” she answered a question that wasn't posed.

“I'm gonna assume you got it with your letter.”

Trina nodded “He also gave me his photos.”

“Wow,” that was the first time Trina had heard Marvin use that word without an ounce of sarcasm in his voice “Do you still have them?”

“Of course.”

“I'd like to see them.”

“I'll bring them in on Saturday.” the exchange turned cold.

“Will you bring them tomorrow,” Marvin closed one eye “Just to look at them.”

“Yeah,”

Trina dug through the linen closet to find the box that contained Whizzer's photos she had buried it deep in said closet during spring cleaning. She didn't have much use for them, except for now it seemed. After a pile of old jackets, shoes, and dresses piled in the long hallway Trina finally pulled out the mahogany box that held what seemed like thousands of photos. She had picked up a few of the stacks, it seemed easier than lugging in the entire box. She made sure to stuff them into her purse before she left that Saturday morning.

Trina had handed a stack of photos just before the rest of the family entered the room “For later.” he simply nodded. He placed it in the small cabinet he had next to his bed as Cordelia burst through the door with three Tupperware stacked on top of each other behind her trailed Charlotte who had been listening to whatever Jason had been chattering on about.

“Oh, Dad!” Jason quickly turned his attention away from Charlotte “Mendel says sorry that he couldn’t make it!” Jason sat in the chair closest to his Father, Trina sat next to him.

“He’s visiting his brother,” she explained the part that Jason left out “He’ll make it next week.”

“Well, I brought scrabble!” Charlotte shook the box the pieces rattling.

“Can I team up with you?” Cordelia leaned against the wall locking eyes with Charlotte.

“I'm vetoing that, nope!” Jason folded his arms.

“Come on!” Cordelia protested.

“Charlotte always uses weird medical words it's barely fair that she gets to play let alone play on a team!” Jason rolled his eyes.

“He has a point.” Marvin sided with Jason.

“When I lose I'm blaming you guys.”

The day had settled down when Cordelia and Charlotte left blaming a headache for their early departure, leaving Jason, Trina, and Marvin to find something to do. They had played a round of scrabble that ended in a three-way draw because none of them were really paying attention to the score.

“Oh wait,” Trina pulled the other stack of photos from her purse “I also have these.” she placed them in Marvin's hand. Jason lifted his eyebrows.

“They're just photos,” Marvin answered.

“Family photos?”

“Yup.” Trina popped the ‘p’ in her response.

“Can we look at them?”

Trina looked to Marvin who simply nodded patting the spot next to him inviting Jason to sit next to him. Trina unbanded the photos and began to shuffle them like a deck of cards. She handed them off to Marvin figuring that he could pick the photos. They shuffled through a few without any words, Trina never caught a good look at them. The back of a photo revealed a polaroid of Jason he must have been no older than eleven he was leaning on one fist looking down at a chess board.

“God look how tiny you are.” Trina leaned against the white plastic that were posted at the side of the hospital bed.

“It seems like lifetimes ago,” Marvin flipped the photo over “3/5/79.”

“Five years,” Jason took the photo in his hand.

“Feels like so much longer."

Marvin shuffled through a few more photos settling on one of Trina wearing a print button up and dark coral pants she had put a fake smile on her face not wanting to be rude, he read the caption that had been written in small print that often bled together “His wife,” flipping over the photo he then read the date “5/12/79.”

Trina twisted the ring on her finger “I don’t even know why people kept calling me your wife.”

“It was easy.” Marvin shrugged “But then again so was your name.”

The rest of the photos were of flowers or Cordelia covering her face with her hand “At least there’s a pattern.” Jason commented picking up a photo of wilting white roses.

“Should I get the other stack?” she went to open the cabinet “They’re from ‘81 I think.” Marvin simply nodded and she handed off the bundle.

He flashed her one photo of Mendel a disposable cup of coffee in hand “Where do you think this was taken?”

“Probably,” she couldn’t think of a time Mendel and Whizzer were together with each other than “The hospital.”

Marvin flipped the photo over “Yup.”

They flipped through more snapshots of the family settling on a few in-between many were younger photos of Jason “Remember when you use to be cute?” Marvin would tease. Hours seemed to pass until Jason yawned exclaiming exhaustion.

“I think that’s our cue to leave.” his ex-wife wanted to stop at the door and stay the night being alone wasn’t living was it? “Goodnight Marvin.”

“Goodnight Trin.” That nickname hit Trina in the chest in an odd way a year ago she would have told him to not call her that but now she didn’t mind it, life had become so odd, hadn’t it?

* * *

 Mendel had arrived home late that following Sunday, a bag slung over his shoulder. “How was your weekend?” he smiled as he unpacked his bag.

“Good,” she paused “We didn’t do much but it was nice.”                                                                                                                                                               
“Sometimes less is also good.”                                                                                                                                                                                                      
“How was your weekend?”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
“Hectic but my family always is.” he let out a small chuckle “I’m still trying to figure out how I’m related to a few of them.”

“They’re probably like your uncle’s sister,” Trina tried to map out her family in her head, she couldn’t Jersey families were funny like that “There’s not an ounce of blood relation but ‘They’re still family’!” she imitated her mother’s voice.

“I need to sit down and write it all down.” he stated “Patty is Tony’s wife, Tony is my Dad’s cousin,” he began to think out loud “Bubbeh is not even related to any of us she just lived next door for like my entire life.”

“East coast families are basically just ‘Hey you live around us! We’re family now.’”

Mendel laughed “Exactly!”

* * *

 "Why do you keep coming to visit?"

"I can leave if you want." Trina grabbed the top of her bag ready to go.

"No you're fine it's just," Marvin scoffed "Why would you want to be here?"

"You're family Marvin we don't leave family to be alone in a hospital room."

"Am I though?"

Trina squinted at Marvin "Yes you're Jason's father? You're always going to be a part of my family. You also visited me when I was here why should I not visit you?"

Marvin casted his eyes to the ceiling "You visited Whizzer right?"

"Yes." why was he asking he knew she did.

"Why? Why care about him?" his questions didn't seem to stop.

"Hell Marvin if I knew why I cared I'd be alright." she laughed pulling herself back to a normal tone she spoke softly "I think it's something about the fact that I can't just sit idly by I need to be doing something." she paused "Maybe it was something about you two also."

"Us two?"

"Yeah, well with Whizzer he had been nothing but kind to me I didn't hate him really I just hated you,"

"Gee thanks."

Trina rolled her eyes smiling "Hush! But Whizzer was nice to me so why should I not return that kindness?"

"And with me?"

"With you well," this took Trina longer "I'm not sure I think it's partly Jason and partly that within the past two years you have also been as kind as you can be with me."

"I just want to say it's been a privilege knowing you Trina."

"Likewise Marvin," she smiled "God who would've thought we'd turn out like this."

Marvin chuckled "I always thought we'd still be married, I also thought we'd have another kid but it's a bit late for that."

"Imagine two Jasons running around, one already talks off my ear the other would just." her eyes went wide and she moved her hands around her head "So is this goodbye truly Marv?"

"I'm not going to be hooked up to a ventilator that'll just prolong this." he casted his eyes to the machine that beeped along with his heart "I feel guilty but I don't want to do that to Jason, die with dignity at least."

A tear caught in Trina's eye "God we've known each other what? Seventeen years?"

"That can't be right."

"I know it feels like decades.”

"It feels so short at the same time too." they remained silent.

"This isn't the ending it's just the goodbye right?" she squeezed his hand "Can you promise that?"

"It's a goodbye for now." he shut his eyes "You'll be here tomorrow I guarantee it."

"Well, of course, you're not spending Saturday without us!"

"I'd hate to." she stood up picking up her purse she went to leave the room as she became a silhouette Marvin called out one last thing "Goodbye until whenever Trina."

"Goodbye until next time." she turned her head to give him a smile turned on her heel and left.

_The two-story walk up was calm enough it was still in the city but far enough from too much foot traffic, that would be good for the baby. Trina had been visiting her family all weekend when she arrived home again to seemingly no one she poked her head down the hallway to see the nursery door propped open she wandered into the room only to see Marvin high on a ladder robin's egg blue paint covering his jeans he wobbled slightly at the appearance of another person._

_"Oh Trina!" he began to lower himself down the ladder slowly "I didn't think you'd be home so soon."_

_"Yeah my Mother dropped me off early, what are you doing?" her words were fast and Marvin struggled to catch the first part of her sentence._

_"Oh, I-" he lost his words "I was painting? Don't worry the landlord knows about it!" he reassured._

_"Well, it's lovely." Jason had been born a month later, quiet rushes from that nursery to their bedroom became common for the couple, life could finally settle down again. It was her and Marvin forever wasn't it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I find that Trina's chapters are always my favorite but Trina is my favorite. Also comments help me so much like I will physically find you and hug you if you comment it means a whole lot to me


	22. Untuned Ears Hear Only Discord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mendel picks up the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys this took too long because I didn't bother aaaaaaa

So their worst fears were turning out to become true huh? Marvin was sick again and they had nothing to do but watch. No matter how much he tried Mendel couldn't help could he? Getting eyes on this monstrosity was impossible, nobody cared if queer men were dying hell some would even find it amusing. So why were they fighting so hard? Why dare to push against the entire public for such little notice? But then again how many more men were dying every day? If nobody was going to help then fighting was their only option.

"Look, Mendel, I'm gonna have to cut this short," Keith ran his hand over his face pushing his glasses up over his eyebrows "I'm going to die within the month and I know that you know that. So I'm gonna just say goodbye now so you can act like I don't know; that I got better or something."

"Well if that's what you want." Keith nodded "Then I'll just say it's been a privilege getting to know you." he shook Keith's hand "I wish you happiness and nothing but."

"Likewise Mendel."

"Thank you.”

"Thanks, sir." he smiled.

When the psychiatrist walked out of the hospital and into the fall whether he breathed in the cold air that almost stung his nostrils, and even with the world around him seeming so calm Mendel couldn't help but feel like a small piece of him was missing. Somehow Keith had worked himself into the quilt of Mendel's life his week almost centered around these visits. But that's the price of fighting, isn't it? You have to roll with the punches no matter how hard they hit. But even with reassuring himself of that Mendel couldn't help but pause outside of the automatic door, a guilt washed over him surely leaving Keith to simply nod what life he had left off alone wasn't morally sound or even fair. But before he could go back and claim something about needing just one last visit for the hospital's records he read a name in the paper that was all too familiar “Keith Walsh” Mendel's heart stopped at that moment and his breathing followed it when he read the age listed next to the name “26” Twenty-six wasn't old enough to die, within the past two years Mendel had almost forgotten that this man wasn't older that his frequent hospital trips were stopping him from going to Greenwich Village with his friends. Twenty-six, that number stuck to the back of Mendel's head refusing to let go for the entire day all he could think about was that poor kid that he had called a friend who was now just thrown into the wind like every single other patient he had, like Whizzer, like how Marvin would be so soon.

“Are you okay?” Trina asked pushing her plate away slightly.

“Yeah of course! Why do you ask?”

“Nothing you just seemed,” she struggled for words “Weirded out at breakfast.”

“Oh no, I'm fine!” Mendel for the first time faked a smile “Just a weird article.” Trina nodded.

* * *

 

Cordelia was trying and Mendel knew that but god she honestly and truly couldn't make Jewish food could she? Even Trina's patience had worn thin with her as the brunette went to sit in the dining room to cool off for a few minutes mumbling something of “It's hamantaschen and she can't even make that.” she rubbed her temples.

Mendel was almost amused by this whole situation he knocked on the wood frame that separated the kitchen from the hallway “Knock knock.”

Cordelia looked up flustered “Oh hey Mendel!” she smiled returning to her pastry.

“So how is that going?” he already knew the answer.

“Pretty badly, I just can't get down the shape.” she watched as her dough formed a circle again.

“You're not lifting the dough enough and you're not pinching enough.” it was a quick fix

Cordelia finally formed on decent slightly messy triangular shape “Oh thanks Mendel that helped a lot!”

* * *

 

“Come on wouldn't some celebration be fun?” Mendel had said this at least three times within the past week his attempts to sell Jason on this birthday idea were not going unnoticed.

“I don't like parties.”

“How about just the family?” that would be no different than any other day right? “It would be fun to get up all in one room again.”

“We saw them on New Years.”

“Still.”

“Fine.” Jason leaned forward slightly.

Mendel had to admit even for how small it was the party was nice, they stayed up late recounting any story they could. This is what they were fighting for the families that were just like this one, they couldn't be torn apart. Closer to one am the lesbian had left sighting exhaustion, which left Mendel, Trina, and Marvin to sit around the roundtable to talk, somewhere within the last thirty minutes Trina had laid her head against Marvin’s shoulder which left Mendel in such an odd way he felt so misplaced he knew that the simple touch meant nothing but he couldn’t help but place it with a photo that he had seen when helping Trina pack her things it was of their wedding, Marvin and Trina were placed at a table that had a white almost lace fabric they both were wearing weak smiles Trina’s head was placed on Marvin’s shoulder they looked like an almost perfect couple but the smiles threw them off so much.

“Did we ever call my Mom?”

“No,” Trina yawned “We’ll find the time to do it.”

“God we should just tell her everything and then not call again.” Trina laughed.

“If only it were that easy.”

“I’m gonna go to sleep.” Mendel rubbed his eyes.

“Oh okay, good night hun.” Mendel placed a kiss on her cheek.

* * *

 

He didn’t expect that to be the last normal family night, if he had known he would have stayed downstairs longer, he would have talked more to the lesbians, he would’ve asked Jason to stay downstairs a little longer. But there would have been no way to know and he couldn’t just sit around and blame himself for not knowing.

The moment seemed so vivid in his mind every time he went over it, Trina standing in the kitchen answering the phone the slow fall of her face from a smile and her turning on her heel and stating that Marvin was in the hospital and that she’s going to pick up Jason “I can do it.” Mendel offered.

“Really?” she seemed almost too shocked.

“Yeah, I don’t know maybe it would be better for me to go.” his inflection turned up as if he were asking a question.

“Yeah maybe.” she gave a small smile it was obviously faked but Mendel didn’t want to think about that.

* * *

 

He had waited for two weeks to pass before visiting Marvin, he wasn’t sure what his place was in this situation. Did he even have a place here? He wished he could just watch this all pass by as if it were a play that he would never be in.

“Hey, Mendel.”

“Hey Marvin.” he sat down in the chair farthest from the bed which was still fairly close considering the meager space of the room. Marvin returned to reading his book and they sat silently. God this was exactly what he had feared the silence, the awkwardness of an unwanted visit. He didn’t have anything to say so why say anything? Why even visit? “What are you reading?” that was the only question that seemed fair to ask.

“Some crime book Charlotte picked up for me.” he bent back the cover “It’s pretty awful.”

“The murder or the book?” Mendel wasn’t sure.

“Both.”

* * *

 

Visiting family was always pleasant enough, sure Mendel would stay silent most of the time never finding the proper time to speak but that was how it had always been. Though he loved his family he never seemed to mesh well with them, being the black sheep of the family wasn’t his problem if anything it was nice because at least he had a way out of any situation. But of course this weekend had to be different, his family was nice when it was simply at most eight relatives but when the entire family was crammed into the biggest backyard they could find some attention was bound to be diverted his way especially because of his move to New York an event that always seemed fresh to every relative.

“This one moves to New York doesn’t visit for fifteen years and then next thing we know he has a wife and kid!” his Aunt presented this fact in an odd way she wasn’t wrong but she said it as if he had gotten married without inviting anyone “Can you believe it?” she gripped his arm gesturing towards one of the cousins he couldn’t quite remember which one.

“I can’t!” her voice made it click in his mind she was Patty from Florida “How old is your kid, Mendel?”

“Fifteen!”

Patty’s face scrunched “The good Wesienbachfeld kid did not have a kid at what twenty-two?”

“He’s a step kid actually.”

“Well then that changes Barbara's story completely!” the two chattered on about whether it being his first marriage mattered all that much and then it slowly shifted to Barbara’s Husband which Mendel took as the perfect time to leave claiming that he should get on the road before it gets too dark out.

* * *

 

The night dragged on in the hospital lobby Cordelia and Mendel had decided to stay that night so they could bring Jason home who had been occupying the one night visitor that was allowed. The topic slowly shifted to vacations when the wiry man realized he hadn’t been on one for a while unless you counted Connecticut.

"Ya know we used to have a timeshare up on fire island."

"We?”

"Yeah like five guys, Charlotte, and I. We'd spend a week there. They called it 'Two dykes and five twinks!" Cordelia rested her head on Mendel's shoulder "We didn't renew it this year."

"Oh, why?"

"There's only three of us left so what's the point?" she yawned, her voice had carried that message so plainly that Mendel almost didn't believe it why was she so seemingly okay with it? She answered his internal question after another yawn "And it's awful that we have to do that but at this point when you lose a friend every six months you stop caring about fire island or whatever the fuck else." she looked up "Sorry." she called she had already been talked to about her cursing in the lobby "God how long do we have left to wait."

Mendel looked at his watch "Five hours." god four am had rolled around so quickly.

"Screw that I'm going home." Cordelia stood up grabbing her purse "Wanna come?"

"Oh I can't Trina left me here without a car." he turned his down his lips into an awkward frown.

"Well, I have money for the subway and a comfy couch?"

"Deal." he had agreed mostly because his back couldn't handle sleeping on one of these chairs he would never understood how Charlotte did it without breaking her back.

* * *

 

Charlotte had offered to take Jason for the weekend which left Mendel and Trina to find something to do with themselves, Mendel opted to sit on the small step that led to a compact backyard which often held within its fence the creature that was Martha. Martha in her older years had calmed down slightly she was still a spaz but Trina could tolerate her now. Trina decided to join her husband on the concrete step she looked at him smiling and the two sat in a silent bliss.

“Martha!” Trina called the dog to her suddenly the shout caught Mendel off guard, the tan dog sat at Trina’s feet smiling “Stay.” Trina stuck out one of her hands taking her sun hat off with her other hand and placing it on Martha’s head and when she didn’t immediately shake it off Trina grinned “Cute right?”

“Yeah,” Martha dipped her head causing the hat to fall onto the ground “You looked cuter in it either way.”

Trina laughed “You’re too sweet.”

* * *

Mendel couldn’t deny the proposal that he spend the night with Marvin when no one else could. Marvin finished the page of another crime novel that Charlotte had gotten him, “Mendel I’m fine with spending the night here if you just want to go home.”

“Oh no I’m fine.” he shrugged the offer off.

“This is weird I feel like I haven’t spoken to you since you were my shrink.” he laughed “That was five years ago.”

“It feels like a century ago.” Mendel folded his hands “It feels like the last five years have been my entire life.”

“They’ve been long years, to say the least.” Marvin smiled “I didn't go to your wedding did I?” Mendel shook his head “Yup that makes sense.”

“What was your wedding like?” Mendel was genuinely curious Trina had barely spoken about it.

“Oh god,” Marvin rubbed a hand down his face “I get annoyed just thinking about it, nothing was well planned no one was happy to be there and the entire time Trina was whispering ideas for how we could sneak off and move across the country.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“The plans were at least. All of them ended with one of us dying but it was better than the wedding.”

“I barely remember the wedding I was sweating bullets the entire time I think I said ‘Are you sure?’ at least twice in my vows!”

“I mean that's a solid move.”

“Yeah but the pictures are nice I at least don't look like I'm having a nervous breakdown in every single one.”

“Ya know what's funny about this whole thing?”

“What?” Mendel shuffled his legs only now becoming aware that he was unsure how to sit.

“I'm actually very glad that you two met.” the man smirked, “Who would've thought on my deathbed I'm happy for my ex-wife and my ex-shrink.”

“Are you actually dying?” Mendel knew the answer it was a yes but he needed to hear it.

“Yeah, KS almost always turns into GRID which always ends in death. Some men live with it for years but I guess I'm not that lucky.”

“Oh.” Mendel was wordless so this was the end of the road for Marvin, wasn't it? “I'm gonna save my goodbyes for now.”

“Oh thank god when it finally clicks everyone is like ‘It's been a pleasure knowing you.’ and that's nice but I'm still here and I'm still very much as okay as I can be.”

Mendel chuckled “I can't relate but it makes sense.”

“I'm glad you get it.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments mean a whole lot to me so please? I'm a broke ass bitch also I can't write Mendel I'm not sure what to do with him.


	23. Looking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte has to play through tragedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a stick note on my wall that says update on 21st oops? That's fun.

Crying would never come easily to Charlotte, she found herself more prone to anger at events like Whizzer's illness rather than crying surely getting ambition from such events would be the best option. But as she cried in the middle of the kitchen her fiancé's arms around her sobbing onto her shoulder as well Charlotte silently asked herself if this was the one event to bring down her entire operation. You could call it AIDS or GRID or KS but the one thing Charlotte was sure of was that it wasn't stopping anytime soon, she hoped that she was wrong, she knew that she wasn't.

But when stricken with grief Charlotte found it easier to continue to fly after all taking the time to fall to the ground would only further wreck her. And so she continued living putting Marvin's illness far from her mind. As long as she had work and the occasional outing she could continue to glide no matter how bad the situation got.

* * *

 “I always wanted to visit Seattle.” Cordelia balanced her head against Charlotte’s shoulder, the only reason Seattle had come up was some argument that Marvin had started about if New York truly had the best library.

“Maybe that’s our next trip.”

Marvin scoffed “Who goes to Seattle for a vacation?”

“Us now that you said that.” Cordelia fixed her hair to sit on the back of her neck.

“The thing is; I don’t even doubt that.” Cordelia yawned as she picked her head up from Charlotte’s shoulder.

“I’m gonna go to bed you kids have fun.” the blonde grinned and placed a kiss on her lover’s cheek.

“I’m still older than you Cor!” Marvin protested “But goodnight.”

“In your dreams!” Cordelia called over her shoulder.

“That’s not how-” Marvin stopped himself when he realized Cordelia was neither listening nor did she care to hear him, “Funny how we ended up with the weird ones.”

Charlotte laughed for a second “I chose to say that she’s funny, not weird.”

Marvin looked up “I’m sorry to ruin the mood but I’d just like to ask if you would clean out my apartment if worst comes to worst.”

Charlotte didn’t have to think about it the answer was yes but she couldn’t question why the responsibility was put on her and not Mendel or Trina, surely they could do the same job as her, but this was a friend coming to her in a moment of vulnerability “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

* * *

 The first time Marvin was hospitalized were a silent few days with the uncertainty of what their next move was, but then his fever went down and he pulled through. Maybe his fears of not seeing Jason graduate were unfounded. That was at least what Charlotte hoped for.

* * *

 “Okay just because you guys are from here doesn't mean every other major city is garbage!” Mendel had joined Cordelia's side in this argument, one that they seemed to have every few minutes.

“Hey, I'm from Bayonne!”

“That's like ten minutes away you're basically from New York.” Cordelia brushed her outgrown bangs from her face.

“Well, either way, we're not saying,” Charlotte took it upon herself to delegate for her side “That every other city is awful, New York is awful we just don't think LA is better.”

“Can we not do this on Yom Kippur?” Jason rested his head against the table.

“Hold on Jason be the tie breaker!” Cordelia scooted her seat closer to him.

“It's not a tiebreaker if you're not tied.” he argued, “But I'll agree with Cordelia if you guys stop.”

To this Mendel clapped his hands.

* * *

 

“God I can't believe I'm almost forty!” Cordelia slipped her hand into Charlotte's pocket “Thought I would've died by now or something.”

“Well, you've got two years to go.”

“That's true.” she smiled “I'll find a way to die by then.”

* * *

 “I still can't believe Mendel roped us into celebrating New Years.” Cordelia chuckled it had all seemed so silly to her “We haven't done anything since college!”

“It's not like we're going to party, either way, do you want to disappoint Mendel?” she laughed along.

“Nope!” Cordelia popped her ‘p’ as she hooked a gold necklace to the back of her neck.

* * *

 “I had no idea what to put on the cake by the way,” Cordelia trailed off for a second “So it just says halfway to thirty?”

“I feel like a happy birthday should have come first?” Marvin wasn't sure how the woman had ended up with a caption like that.

“Nah I like it!” Jason smiled showing off nearly braces-free teeth.

“It'll say ‘Happy Birthday’ next year! I promise!”

* * *

 Jason's shaky voice and the news it delivered turned Charlotte's blood cold and just for a second, the earth stopped dead in its tracks. The second hospitalization proved itself to be one that wouldn't be ending anytime soon. So they had to get comfortable with this again with the Saturday family visits, with the sleeping in the stiff hospital chairs that never seems to fit your back just right, with the agonizing hours spent awake, the feeling of an empty bed as someone leaves to go visit their fallen member. But the only thing left to do was smile crying wouldn't help they didn't have time for that, a smile even a faked one is still better than nothing at all.

"I got you a book." Charlotte offered the large paperback to Marvin it was honestly an afterthought but there wasn't much to do here reading filled the time.

"Oh, thanks." Marvin flipped it over to the back "True Crime. Really Char?"

"What they're interesting!"

"Sure."

* * *

 Returning to a silent home wasn't something Charlotte ever thought she'd miss but Cordelia's sleepless nights became closer together until they were nearly every night. These nights were spent leaned against the cold bars of the fire escape singing whatever remnants of a song the woman could remember or musing out loud. Soon Charlotte found herself also sitting on the fire escape eyes cast to the sky propped against the shoulder of her lover.

“Ya know you never told me,” Cordelia closed her eyes.

“What?”

“Why you became a doctor.”

“Oh.” Charlotte kept her lips formed around the vowel “Well when I was little like really like eight or something my Mom got sick it was probably cancer but no one told me.” Cordelia nodded she had heard this part of the story “But I would watch this nurses bustle around the hospital and I thought ‘I really want to be a nurse!’ because they were out there helping people every day. And I kept that dream of nurse-hood until middle school when I was told I couldn't even get into a nursing program because no program would want me.” Cordelia pursed her lips “So I said fuck it if I can't be a nurse I'll be a doctor.”

“That's sweet.” Cordelia pulled her hand up to brush the golden hair off her face “And spiteful.”

“What can I say? I've always been like this.”

* * *

 Everyone had a trick for staying awake on the long nights, Cordelia would down small packs of sugar, Mendel drank more coffee than seemed humanly possible, Jason claimed to have perfected the art of five-minute naps. But Trina didn't seem to feed into that she simply watched the clock on the other side of the narrow room and waited for it to hit 6 am if she made it that far it was a blessing, if she didn't she was there by seven. It was one of these long nights that Charlotte noticed Trina sitting alone her legs crossed keeping herself busy with fiddling through her purse.

“Is this seat taken?”

Trina smiled “God no Mendel went home hours ago!” and so Charlotte sat next to the one woman who became shy to speak after minutes passed she broke the silence “I wish this night would end.” Trina rocked her head back and forth perfectly to an unheard rhythm almost as if her head was the pendulum on a grandfather clock.

“Me too.” Charlotte agreed and the conversation seemed to halt.

“I'm not sure if going home is even worth it at this point because I'll just be back here in,” she looked down at her watch “Five hours.”

“You should go home and get some sleep.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” and with that Trina left. The waiting room was funny that way conversations there were never the great symphonies Charlotte wanted them to be they were simple concertos that would never bring a crowd to their feet.

* * *

 “You can’t save them.” the words echoed throughout Charlotte’s head so often. Cordelia had stated them in a moment of malcontent almost two years ago but they had stayed in the air and hung heavy and thick making the air feel more humid. In the moment Charlotte couldn’t help but agree, she had watched so many men become more and more vacant but now with Marvin, something clicked; this wasn’t getting better was it? This monster would only get worse and worse and she had no choice but to watch it and offer what empathy she could. She went to button the top of her blouse but her hands became too heavy, she couldn’t go, she couldn’t face another helpless day. Her feet were made of led and she was frozen to the ground moving became a task that was near impossible. With the placement of a slender hand on her shoulder, her breathing slowed ever slightly.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” for a second she attempted to shake it off.

“Are ya sure you want to go in today?”

She wasn’t, she hadn’t missed a day since she started but now the option was so appealing “I’ll call out today.”

Cordelia lifted her eyebrows almost shocked “Oh, well we have Jason tonight.” the blonde placed a kiss on the top of Charlotte's head.

* * *

 "It's like he was never there." Trina shook her head. She had been the last and only one to visit Marvin that day. Somewhere within the family's gathering at the small cafe, it had begun to rain leaving Mendel practically soaked spare for the jacket he had tucked into his bag.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay?" Jason shook his head "Trina?" Mendel posed the question to his wife who in return also shook her head "Well then I guess we'll be on our way." the wiry man offered a lopsided smile which no one returned.

"We'll call you in the morning," Cordelia promised, she knew that she would call with bad news.

"So now we wait?" her fiancé leaned back in the chair.

"You could go in," Cordelia gestured past the half wall that divided the cafe from the hospital "Visit him."

Charlotte's face turned pale "I don't know." she slipped her hand into Cordelia's "We'll see maybe later."

"When you've got to the gut."

The only got the nerve to see her friend an hour later, Trina was right the man that had been sitting in that bed what seemed like minutes ago was gone with no trace. “Hey, Marv.”

The man raised his hand instead of speaking a greeting.

Cordelia held onto Charlotte's arm tighter wanting almost to hide behind her like a shy child “Hi.” She had managed to choke that out “I'm sorry I just-” she cut herself off letting wet tears stream from her eyes as she ducked out of the room. Without her lover behind her Charlotte felt alone and bare in this room she didn't want this timeline she didn't want this life anymore if this is where it led. She sat in the chair next to Marvin the only thing the family seemed to be doing recently she gently stroked his hand.

“Char.” his voice was coarse and rasped she nodded “Can you stay here for as long as he needs you?”

“Yes.” with that conformation Marvin let his tongue off from the top of his mouth.

“I love you, Marvin.”

“Love you too.” the sentence was lacking but Charlotte took it, wishing for more wouldn't help because there was nothing more he could give.

The clock ticked on and it soon dawned on Charlotte that she couldn't leave now, not at least until Marvin's breath struggled for the last time, not until she was sitting beside the body of someone she couldn't even recognize anymore. They didn't have things to speak the silence that enveloped them was one of a friendship that didn't need words to glide so easily. But that friendship and those silent moments would be irrelevant after the ending that would be the new story.

_“Wanna go for a drive?” Marvin spun his keys around his finger._

_“Where to?” to this Marvin shrugged “Sure!” Cordelia signed the couple up for this activity all too quickly. After a few hours of driving Cordelia dozed off in the back seat just as the sun finally set, Marvin pulled over._

_“Wanna go look at the stars.” the idea was oddly attractive._

_“Sure.” and so on the roadside, the two sat on the hood of Marvin's car eyes cast to the sky simply admiring the infinite stars that splayed themselves across the dark sky. “Ya know Cordelia said the only thing she missed about Tennessee was the stars.” Charlotte yawned “I get it.”_

_“Yeah, I guess us ‘city kids’ just can't understand.”_

_“I guess not.” Charlotte pulled her legs to her chest and for those many minutes together her and Marvin weaved a beautiful symphony of silent understanding._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marvin's chapter is next it will probably be the shortest of this round? I have a lot of ideas for it. Also comments help a lot. Also these chapters are what I think each person would remember ex. why some events are in some chapters and not others why some events are longer in other places.


	24. we're just gonna skip that stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A candle burns out.

The confirmation was the hardest part. That doctor’s cold nod wrecked Marvin from the inside, but the outside has to stay pristine there was no point to dwell on the inevitable.

That night Cordelia had come over expecting it to be a normal night and just for a moment Marvin hesitated before he spoke the keep her in the dark was kinder than forcing her into the reality he had been made to face just hours before “I saw a doctor today.” it had been a few weeks ago though he had gotten the news today. Almost as if the doctor needed time to plan this sick surprise.

"Really what did he say?” her voice rang out with a hopefulness carried throughout it as if she were a young rebel expecting only nothing but good from a newly formed system.

“Kaposi sarcoma.” and just for a second, the world became simply the two of them with their eyes locked. Marvin laughed and Cordelia also let out a laugh, not one of joy or humor but one of incomprehension one that told the story of a woman who wasn't sure where she would be after this, joining her, of course, was the best option “Thus ends the tale of Marvin!”

“Who knows you could make it out alive?” Cordelia choked up almost causing Marvin to need to let out a sob too.

“I know I won't I’m not different.” he knew that to be true nothing set him apart from the upwards of hundreds hell maybe thousands of people who had already died. To put it simply he was not special.

“Whizzer had what six months in the hospital alone? They’ll find a cure by then right?” Marvin was silent he simply put his arm around Cordelia’s shoulder pulling her close to his chest. She sobbed into his t-shirt he didn't mind this is what she needed right now.

After Cordelia’s crying settled down Marvin spoke again “Do you really think they’ll find a cure?” another flood of tears poked at her blue eyes.

She wiped under her eyes in a small attempt to dry them “I need them to,” she pressed her head into his chest further “I can't keep losing people.” with that one comment Marvin struggled to catch his breath.

"What are you staring at?" Cordelia's eyes had been cast off to the distance as if she were attempting to focus her eyes on an ever-moving target.

"The lights." her words slurred slightly as she pressed her cheek firmly against the knit material of Marvin's hoodie.

He gave a deep chuckle "Cliché Cordelia."

"Oh shut up!" she wanted to get up to slap him but decided to stay in her spot "Ya know there were never lights like this in Tennessee."

"Aren't you from Memphis?"

"No Bartlett, but it's close enough." Cordelia yawned "My Mom used to take my sister and me up to Memphis to stay at a hotel on our birthdays, so I used to sit at the window and just stare at the little lights that kept flickering on and off. In my head these people were weaving these fascinating lives, I could've sat there for the entire night just telling myself these stories of these strangers."

"That's," the man paused unable to find a proper descriptor "Sweet."

“Yeah I guess.” she yawned through the last few syllables of her sentence.

* * *

 

The _weeks had dragged on excruciatingly long, they seemed to only rest upon Marvin’s chest never taking time to the speed up. Decidedly this was a good thing the long weeks meant to the illusion of more time spent with his lover no matter the quality of said time. Perhaps the only reason the weeks had seemed so long was that insomnia had seemed to crawl into the man’s head burrowing itself somewhere he couldn’t find it but positioned just well enough to impact his entire schedule. He could never sleep in hospitals either way, but after revealing this fact to Cordelia in a joking moment the shiksa had dragged him out to the car she and Charlotte shared, pushing Marvin into the passenger seat saying that if he didn’t sleep after all of this effort she would “Murder everyone in a one-hundred foot radius.” the lights of the city swayed over the man’s eyes to and fro they shined their brilliance upon him until they went cold for just a second, the cycle seemed to only repeat the lights shining to the beat of a metronome._

_“You didn’t need to do this, I would have found my way home either way.” his cheek pressed into the rough material of the warm grey seatbelt._

_“Well, we both know that’s a lie.” Marvin glanced at the woman her brilliant blue eyes were cast firmly to the road so fixed on one spot it made Marvin wonder if they had ever moved or if that was simply a trick of the lighting “Either way you need sleep and a shower.” he almost needed to be reminded of responsibilities that belonged to an adult man of his age “Plus you have Jason in a few days, so you should probably clean or something.”_

_“Oh fuck.” how had he forgotten Jason on the weekends had it not been a full week or was Trina simply being kind? It was neither something Marvin would never learn; the fact that Cordelia and Charlotte were the ones to have kept Jason in the two-week span of his father’s spotty attendance._

_The silence drew on for much longer than either one of them wished it to it followed them up the many flights of stairs that led up to apartments thirty-six and thirty-seven. Cordelia trailed behind Marvin ever so slightly so she could meet him just outside of the varnished door that had thirty-seven proudly displayed with golden italics, she grabbed his open hand smiled before speaking “Life is kind, things will look up.” and just for a moment Marvin’s body went so much colder if things were truly looking up that reassurance wouldn’t have been spoken. Doubt painted itself around the inside of Marvin’s head, was life truly kind or was that a life?_

* * *

 

“Do you think someone’s looking at us making up our story?”

“It’s almost a guarantee.” Marvin didn't truly believe that but at that moment it seemed like the right thing to say.

“What do you think they’re saying?”

“Isn't this your thing?” Marvin laughed “Well let’s say they’re in there,” he pointed to an illuminated apartment that laid below them just perpendicular, “I think they noticed that you’re here every day and they have assumed we live together.”

“Interesting.”

“They assumed we’re married but they’ve seen Jason who looks,”

“Nothing like me.” the blonde closed her eyes.

The man nodded “So they've come to the conclusion that you are my second wife.”

“Oh boy they’re so far off.” she giggled to herself “I wish they were right, being your second wife doesn’t sound so bad right now.”

“Maybe it’s not too late.” Marvin joked.

“No it is, the world won’t change for us.” the sentence didn’t seem to fit into the conversation as if Cordelia simply needed to tell Marvin the sad fact that she had found becoming even more applicable to her life every day.

* * *

 

Unbeknownst to him Cordelia had started a wildfire that spread the news to the entire family and as easily as it spread the destruction it left behind wasn’t a brilliant landscape of a small ash grey clearing the devastation spread quickly but didn’t show the slightest sign of stopping the golden and cardinal embers spread themselves through the forest reeking havoc. And even though Cordelia dropped the match Marvin couldn’t help but feel like he had handed it to her.

“Cordelia told me.” Trina skipped the greeting.

What Cordelia had told Trina wasn’t a question “I suppose she did.”

“And I told Mendel.”

“Let me guess you also told Jason.”

Trina scoffed “That’s up to you, I have many thoughts on that but it’s really your job.” the conversation became all too snappy all too soon.

“I’ll tell him when I know for sure if I’ll die,” Marvin didn’t say the truth that he knew his death was certain “The kid will have a panic attack if you look at him the wrong way to worry him isn’t the best option.”

“He gets it from you.”

“And you.” together they laughed in a conversation that had seemed to only contain the ash-filled air that had since surrounded them.

* * *

 

_“So does ten years mean nothing to you?” Trina practically threw her cup against the table._

_“The last eight years have been nothing but awful.”_

_Trina scoffed “That doesn't mean that we need a divorce!”_

_“Wouldn't it be better for both of us?”_

_“And Jason? He’s barely ten doesn't he deserve a family?”_

_“Jesus Christ a divorce doesn't mean we won't be a family.”_

_“Who is she, Marvin?” Trina’s voice went cold showing none of her previous rages._

_“Who?” he knew what she meant but had been so careful she couldn't possibly know._

_“Don’t play dumb.” Trina took a sip of her water “Who are you running off with?”_

_“I’m not leaving you for someone else! Can't this just be for the greater good?”_

_“I’ve known about the affair for six months Marvin, just tell me who is it?”_

_Marvin hesitated this was going to come up and he hadn't thought of someone to pin as his mistress “You remember Whizzer?” the words slipped from his mouth._

_Trina pulled her temples back “You have to be kidding.” Marvin shook his head “You’re leaving me for the intern?” that was right Marvin had lied about Whizzer being an intern he looked it well enough and was happy enough to play along with this “So you're a fag?” Marvin winced this is what he had been expecting but the words cut so much deeper. That night Marvin packed his bags and left the townhome for Whizzer’s studio, Trina kissed Jason goodnight and for the first time in what seemed like years she opened a bottle of wine, and the earth kept spinning_.

* * *

 

For very brief moments Marvin would let himself fall into a state of denial about his whole situation that the deep wine stains that kissed his skin were simply odd bruises, that his loss of appetite was nonexistent he had always only eaten one or two times a day, the fact that his body was constantly tired the weight of the world weighing down every step was something that just came with adulthood. In these brief moments, his life seemed almost romantic; life was a kind mistress who smelled of roses and wanted nothing more but happiness. But she wasn't. No life was nothing more than a schoolyard bully who allowed you to get up just so she could once again kick you to the hard pavement.

“Oh, Marvin.” Cordelia pressed her hand against Marvin’s forehead “It feels like a fever.” she frowned.

“I don’t think it’s that bad.”

“Well if it gets any worse I’m gonna get Charlotte.” this was a promise Marvin knew Cordelia would hold to and very suddenly this cold became all the more serious. And within the day Marvin was sitting in the passenger’s seat of Charlotte’s car a cold cloth pressed to his forehead Cordelia in the back seat sighed words of hope nothing but kindness in her voice and for a second Marvin told himself that he didn’t deserve it.

The hospital room had no personality, its walls would never inspire great pieces of art, the air smelled of a powder that Marvin couldn’t quite place, everything in that room seemed to be just off enough to notice but not enough to explain not in the right way at least. Nothing came to his mind when he tried to articulate exactly what was off. It wasn’t until the second night of his stay when the same night Cordelia realized that she should have called Trina that it clicked; this only felt off because he shouldn’t have been there. For a fleeting moment, he cried out to a god even he didn’t believe in to set this right. But this god didn’t respond, and he wouldn’t respond to this cry nor any others. For god was a clock master who started his clock but only watched it tick on not caring for the gears that creaked, the broken pieces that never seemed to mend, not even the face of the clock as it began to wear down.

* * *

 

T _he family had all seemed to have made the silent agreement that Saturdays would be spent in the cramped hospital room where you could practically hear the person next to you’s thoughts. Because as cramped and unnatural as this room seemed it was also the new and hopefully temporary home of one Whizzer Brown, who every Saturday wasn't sure how he had gotten lucky enough to have all these people in his life_.

* * *

 

He has shaken off the fever and was well enough to go home just before the weekend, this didn’t seem to calm Cordelia who insisted that he check in with Charlotte at least once a month. Neither Charlotte or Marvin had kept this up Charlotte out of forgetfulness and Marvin out of apathy.

“I’m sorry.” Cordelia held her hands in front of her waist they were tightly grasped together. She had only now told Marvin about her confession to his son that seemed to have taken place centuries ago.

“No he had to learn at some point I’m just glad it wasn't as Trina drove him to the hospital.” That's how he had learned about Whizzer but to be fair that's how most of them had learned about Whizzer.

* * *

 

“Are you still feeling okay?”

“Can we ditch that for one night? I’m so tired of this being all we talk about.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry I just get worried.”

“I get that but there's nothing to worry about I’m doing as well as anyone else.”

The shiksa took a deep breath and nodded.

* * *

 

“I can leave too if ya want.” Cordelia pitched directly after the slamming of the apartment door.

“Only if you want to? I mean I didn't plan on sleeping much.” he hadn't slept for longer than a few hours this week no matter how much he commanded his body to sleep he just couldn't shut his eyes, his breathing refused to slow, and his legs kept jerking.

“Don't you have work?”

Marvin thought of ways to dodge this question but his mind went blank “Yeah.”

“Well then I should get going,” she grabbed her coat folding it over her arm “Don't want to keep you up any later.” she squeezed his hand and gave him a smile before slamming the door and condemning him to a night of silence and the overwhelming feeling of isolation.

* * *

 

Jason's birthday had brought them all back together into Trina and Mendel's townhome the night was joyous and filled with nothing but laughter. As the time hit eleven the table only contained Marvin and Trina the ex-partners had somehow ended on the topic of their wedding.

“Remember how we kept making plans to get out of there and die in California?” Trina smiled widely that was possibly the only fond memory spawned from her ten years with Marvin.

“Dying in California would've been better than that.”

“Was it your Zadeh that got drunk and started yelling at my Mom?”

“That was my uncle,” Marvin laughed at the memory that had once been regarded as one of his worst “Honestly that wedding was just an omen for the entire marriage.”

Trina lifted her glass “That's perfect! We should've gotten the divorce the moment your uncle started even speaking to my mother.”

* * *

 

_“Do you want to stay in the guest room?”_

_“What?” Marvin had only called to tell her that worse had come to worse not to reach out for help._

_“I mean it’s Mendel's office but he doesn’t use it, there’s a pull-out couch.” Trina stepped around Marvin’s question with the grace of a prima ballerina._

_“Why?” he needed the time to think this through._

_“I thought that maybe you didn’t want to be alone.” she cleared her throat “I won't be offended if you don't want to. But we're here anytime.”_

_“Thank you Trina.” he never did end up going to their home he had considered it many time that night but his hand couldn't bring itself to turn the knob_.

* * *

 

He had called off of work that day convinced that he could simply sleep off this feeling this was just another fever he could shake off wasn't it? Not until noon did it dawn on him that he had Jason this week, that wouldn't be a problem surely he could pick himself up enough to take him to a movie. But when the clock hit one he was on the tile of the bathroom his breathing skewed, his vision was blurry and the world seemed to be made of nothing but fiery embers. Three knocks signaled the presence of Jason “Call Charlotte.” was the last thing the man could remember before he woke up once again in a hospital bed. Slowly it dawned on him; Jason was the one to find him, Jason had to dial the phone and deliver the news, or rather did he run to Charlotte’s apartment? Marvin didn't have the heart to ask. But did it matter Jason shouldn't have had to do either?

* * *

 

 _Jason hadn't slept for the entire night Trina had paced around the room bouncing him up and down ever so slightly and singing in a soft voice but still the baby wailed on and on his cries filling the air so effortlessly. Somewhere close to one am when Trina was too exhausted to even stand up straight Marvin took the crying infant in his arms and began the routine again until Jason finally stopped crying, within seconds he_ was placed _back in the hand me down crib given to them by Trina's sister. This was Marvin's opportunity to sleep but he couldn't help but watch his kid god this was his kid forever. Even on the drawn-out nights he was at least thankful to have Jason even if it met the shotgun marriage, the guilt that came with said marriage, the cramped apartment, the late nights, the even longer days, and the disappointment of his parents at least he had this kid to prove that it was all worth it. He had looked at Jason as he buckled him into the car seat shortly after getting out of the hospital and vowed “I won't fuck this up.” and he meant it, this was the one relationship he couldn't be reckless with_.

* * *

 

Trina was first to visit him, Marvin wasn't expecting her to come so soon or at all really. But she knew that this was his last hospital stay, in fact, they both knew that but had made a silent agreement to not speak of that now.

“Hi.” she stood in the doorway her entire body posed in a form that made her seem so much smaller.

“Hey.” he wasn't sure what to say so he kept his eyes trained on the book that had been left by the last visitor and ignored by the nurses, suddenly he remembered, “We never did call my Mom did we?”

“No I don’t think so.” the last time they were together Marvin had gotten drunk and only remembered it after “I don’t think we should.”

“She'll need to know about all this someday.”

“I'll tell her next week give it some more time.”

“That's fair.” his Mother deserved that at least sure she wasn't the Mother he had needed or wanted but the information that her son is dying shouldn't be held over her for that “Are you sure you want to do it?” Trina shouldn't be the one to deliver the news epically since she had to relay it to so many other people so many other time.

“No but I will.” she gave a weak smile.

“We can do it together.” that would be best give his Mother the slightest bit of hope for her son before he died “How's Jason holding up?”

Trina took in a sharp breath “He's locked himself in his room and Mendel thinks it’s best to leave him for now.”

“What do you think?”

“I just want to pound down that door and hug him.” tears welled in the woman's eyes all she wanted was to fix this whole scenario that was so far from her grasp she couldn't even begin to reach for it.

* * *

 

_Trina was a nice girl that he could possibly marry. She checked every box; she was Jewish, she was sweet, his Mother adored her, and she wanted to be a wife. But the feeling of her warm breath on the nape of his neck made his stomach knot, this wasn’t how it should play out he shouldn’t be uncomfortable just laying next to her, his stomach shouldn’t drop when she smiled at him after whispering “I love you.” he shouldn’t have her._

_"Darling?” she called into the darkness her hand grasping for his._

_“Yes,” he replied moving his hand ever so slightly._

_“Do you love me?”_

_“Yes.” it was a half lie he loved Trina sure but not in the way she needed._

_“I need you to love me and not the person I put up to impress people, not the person I try to be.” she breathed out “I need to know that you love me too.”_  
  
_“I do.” Marvin put his head deeper into the pillow “We wouldn’t have him if I didn’t” he danced around mentioning the baby the words just refused to come to his lips._

_She smiled “Yeah I suppose.”_

* * *

 

Charlotte dropped off a true crime book that filled the time rather well, it was slightly troubling considering the contents of the book weaved a tale of a doctor who purposely killed his patients it didn’t inspire hope but rather a dark humor in Marvin.

“It's the best I can do.” she shrugged.

Marvin laughed it off “No I don't mind just a little concerned about the topic.”

“I wouldn't give myself away that easily! Have some faith in me!”

* * *

 

_Charlotte placed a small hard caramel in his outstretched hand, he stared down at the small wrapped candy almost disbelieving it’s existence “What?” that was the only word that came to his mind._

_“It’s a candy.” her tone was gentle, something that rarely happened in her voice._

_“No, I got that just why?”_

_She sighed popping a caramel into her mouth “Well, at my Mother’s funeral my Dad gave me a small candy and I liked the idea of it. In probably the worse place to be here’s a small piece of indulgence.” in all honesty she believed her Father had simply given her that hard candy to shut her up for the service, he was never that thoughtful._

_“I suppose that is nice.”_

_“We’re gonna get through this.” she passed a candy to her lover who looked as if the slightest tip in the wrong direction would throw her back into the tears she had desperately tried to conceal just for these two hours._

* * *

 

“Like a year ago this woman called and I think it might have been Whizzer’s Mom.” this was something he desperately needed to get off his chest.

“How do you know?”

“She called him by his real name.”

Cordelia’s eyes went by just for a second before she rested her face “I’ve only met her once but unless some of our college friends learned his name it must be her.”

“You met his Mom?” this shocked Marvin almost too much Whizzer had admitted that he had no family in the universe fairly early on.

“Yeah it was in the weirdest point of our life, we knew we were both gay but had told ourselves that getting married was the best option. So before we announced our sham engagements he took me to Utah to meet his Mom and brother.” she smiled “All I really remember is the trip back though.”

“What was that like?”

Cordelia smiled she never had gotten to tell this story and she was ecstatic to “Well his Mom lived near the border of Utah and Colorado so we said fuck it and took a train to Denver to fly back.” she shrugged “It was around autumn so the trees were just beautiful, like the most brilliant of shades of green, yellow, red, and orange just all packed into one canyon.”

“That does sound nice.” Marvin smiled, not letting his mind think about how much he hadn’t seen.

“And there was this rest stop in this cute little town, and as we walked down the main street and told ourselves that we would move there at some point. When we got to New York again we started researching it and guess what!”

“What?” Marvin laughed through the word.

“It was run by the KKK and probably still is.”

“There’s always a catch.” the man pushed his mouth to the side.

* * *

 

_“Why are you making me a sweater again?”_

_“Because I’m making everyone a sweater,” she turned her eyes down to her needles “Also you look cold.”_

_“That’s because he is,” Whizzer called from the hallway just as a door slammed behind him._

_“I swear he can hear everything in this house.”_

_“He can hear everything, it’s not just this house._ ”

* * *

 

“Well, then I said that Andrei was possibly the worst character and he said something like 'Well he's willing to call out Russia's problem' so I said 'You're only on book one, of course, you think that'!" None of what his son said made any sense to Marvin nearly all of his ramblings included something that went over his head. The kid had a true talent of talking about the most complex subjects as if they were as simple as basic math.

"Your something else kid. So other than arguing about War & Peace what have you been doing?" Marvin hadn't seen Jason in at least a month, he was unsure if that one on Trina, Jason, or his behalf.

"We went to see a show last night!" Jason leaned forward in his chair.

"Really what?" Marvin had been a theatre kid in high school and college but he now found himself clueless about nearly everything drama related.

"Chorus," Jason paused scrunching his eyebrows "A Chorus Line! Sorry, Mom changed the name like fifteen times." The title rang familiar to Marvin, Whizzer had taken him for one of their birthdays, and Cordelia often sang one of the songs that Marvin could never remember the name of.

  
“What's it about?" Marvin knew the plot already but he needed this conversation to continue.

"So it's basically an audition for this new Broadway show," Jason talked through the sentence with his hands mirroring his step Father in a way "And the person running the audition is like 'Tell me about your life and stuff. So everybody is just sure so they play along, for the most part, some are just like 'Why would you need to know that?'" Marvin nodded "But there's this woman Cassidy or something?" And she dated the guy running the audition but she broke off from Broadway to go to Hollywood but she couldn't find work so now she's looking for a chorus part."

"Sounds interesting we'll have to go sometime." Deep in his heart, Marvin knew that ‘sometime’ would never come but the concept of it was enough to lighten his mood.

"Yeah! That would be great! Oh shit, I should get out to the car Mom will be waiting.”

"Jason! Language.” Cordelia held a firm and autocratic voice.

“Sorry Cor!” he ran out before round the corner of the hallway yelling back “Bye! Love you!”

* * *

 

_‘Marvin’ his name was no longer ‘Dad’ it was ‘Marvin’. He knew this day would come but he had expected it to be when Jason was older at least eighteen, not ten. But he had won ‘Dad’ back somewhere within the past year. But now he also forced that out of his hand. His regret for his actions would never mend this family back together, that wedding invitation would never be intact again, Trina’s face would still be bruised, and Jason would only have a step-father from now on. He didn’t need to be called ‘Dad’ he knew that boat had sailed long ago he just needed his son back._

* * *

 

“God he’s getting too big.” Cordelia watched him run down the corridor.

“Truly. Did you hear he’s the tallest one in the Weisenbachfeld house now.”

* * *

 

“Did you write this?” a handwritten letter seemed out of Trina’s style.

“Whizzer did.”

“Oh.” he immediately stopped his process of opening the envelope.

“Yeah,” she answered a question that wasn't posed.

“I'm gonna assume you got it with your letter.” he assumed that she did get a letter at least he hoped she did.

Trina nodded “He also gave me his photos.” this was a fact that had seemed so apparent but Marvin had never quite pieced it together.

“Wow,” that was the first time Trina had heard Marvin use that word without an ounce of sarcasm in his voice “Do you still have them?”

“Of course.”

“I'd like to see them.” it was close to a plea.

“I'll bring them in on Saturday.” the exchange turned cold.

“Will you bring them tomorrow, just to look at them.”

“Yeah,”

After Trina left he opened the letter he didn’t have time to struggle with the question of ‘What if?’. The handwriting was short and often blended together as if they were a poor man's cursive, it was all too recognizable over three years they had stuck themselves to Marvin’s head.

_I’d address this letter but it seems unnecessary. Unless Trina is reading this if so; stop! I’m disappointed this isn’t for you! Now that Trina is hopefully not reading (I’m not joking stop) So five years Marv, god it feels like nothing (Get it?) and I know what Charlotte said but I don’t doubt you’ll make it out better than me. Within the next five years, I suspect that it was rocky, well, because of me and I apologize for that. I wish I could help but that’s far beyond my abilities no matter how amazing I seem to be. Look I have no idea what you’ve done, maybe you’ve taken a lover. Yeah that’s nice you and him probably cook together, he plays catch with Jason, Trina actually likes him, and the tight-knit family of seven marches on. That’s at least the hope I have. If you don’t live up to it don’t worry a family of six still marches. I feel like this letter is short but it’s also one-sided. If this were a conversation I wouldn’t have to end it so early but alas that conversation will be saved for a later date. See you hopefully later than sooner._

His finger traced the paragraph many times before he held the lined paper to his chest. This wasn’t a grim reminder of what he had, rather a warm embrace from a long gone lover that reaffirmed the love that Marvin still held.

* * *

 

For as many times they seemed to stumble and fall the clan of Trina, Jason, and Marvin never seemed to truly break surely it would strain but never snap off. The little moments like those of flipping through old photos reminded Marvin of this fact. Through marriage and divorce, good times and bad, rain or sun, these were ties that bind.

* * *

 

Cordelia stood pressed against the doorway smiling tucked under her left arm a worn copy of ‘Moby Dick’. “Jason lent it to me, I get that chapter thirty-two joke now!” she laughed.

* * *

 

Mendel was the last person Marvin expected for an overnight visit but as the clock hit eight Mendel remained in the stiff hospital chair pinned to that spot for seemingly an eternity.

“Mendel I’m fine with spending the night here if you just want to go home.” it wasn’t that he minded Mendel being there it didn’t bother him but he imagined that it bothered Mendel.

“Oh no I’m fine.” he shrugged the offer off.

“This is weird I feel like I haven’t spoken to you since you were my shrink.” he laughed “That was five years ago.”

“It feels like a century ago. It feels like the last five years have been my entire life.” that was a sentiment Marvin could relate to.

“They’ve been long years, to say the least. I didn't go to your wedding did I?” Mendel shook his head “Yup that makes sense.” that night shifted so much in his life.

“What was your wedding like?”

“Oh god,” Marvin rubbed a hand down his face “I get annoyed just thinking about it, nothing was well planned no one was happy to be there and the entire time Trina was whispering ideas for how we could sneak off and move across the country.” that at least was a happy memory.

“Sounds like fun.”

“The plans were at least. All of them ended with one of us dying but it was better than the wedding.” a vast majority of them ended with Trina’s death a detail Marvin decided to keep out.

“I barely remember the wedding I was sweating bullets the entire time I think I said ‘Are you sure?’ at least twice in my vows!”

“I mean that's a solid move.”

“Yeah but the pictures are nice I at least don't look like I'm having a nervous breakdown in every single one.”

“Ya know what's funny about this whole thing?”

“What?” Mendel shuffled his legs only now becoming aware that he was unsure how to sit.

“I'm actually very glad that you two met.” the man smirked, “Who would've thought on my deathbed I'm happy for my ex-wife and my ex-shrink.”

“Are you actually dying?” the question struck Marvin in the chest it was so naive in nature almost childish it came out hoping only for the best.

“Yeah, KS almost always turns into GRID which always ends in death. Some men live with it for years but I guess I'm not that lucky.”

“Oh.” Mendel was wordless so this was the end of the road for Marvin, wasn't it? “I'm gonna save my goodbyes for now.”

“Oh thank god when it finally clicks everyone is like ‘It's been a pleasure knowing you.’ and that's nice but I'm still here and I'm still very much as okay as I can be.”

Mendel chuckled “I can't relate but it makes sense.”

“I'm glad you get it.”

* * *

 

_“Do you want the dog for the weekend?” it was an odd offer on Mendel's end but somehow sweet._

_“Yeah,” he paused “Why are you and Trina going somewhere?”_

_“Yeah to visit her family!” that was a lie, Mendel had assumed the dog would be a nice distraction for both Jason and Marvin_.

* * *

 

Cordelia had brought a bundle of family photos that night but they barely got through, at the sight of a baby Jason being held by a young Trina he nearly cried “God he was so small.” Marvin held the photo just a foot away from his face as if he wanted to memorize every single detail of the frame.

“Trina looks so young there. Not that she looks old but- I’ll just stop.” Cordelia commented.

“She must have been twenty-two, twenty-three at the oldest we went to California to visit her sister,” Marvin explained without prompt.

“How old was she when she had Jason?” Cordelia had been told before but she could never really remember.

“Twenty almost twenty-one.” god Trina couldn't even legally drink when she had Jason and yet Cordelia was sitting here wondering if she could really handle a kid.

“You guys got married before Jason was born right?” his wedding seemed to pop up a lot more now.

“Yeah, her mother managed to plan it in a month to avoid suspicion a lot of people still think that Jason was born too early because we announced it maybe a month after the wedding.”

“That seems like such a big mess.”

“It was couldn't just let the kid be born a bastard right?” Marvin rolled his eyes “I never understood her family.” then silence took over the sanitary room “Ya know I miss our conversations on the balcony.”

“Really?” Cordelia hadn't thought twice about them. Of course, she wouldn't have those were the last thing on her mind right now.

“Yeah just talking in the fresh air.” at points when breath seemed sparse Marvin almost convinced himself that if he were to get outside that his breathing would become better that the fresh air would somehow make his lungs full again.

“I’ll sneak you outside someday we’ll just talk and talk and talk until you fall asleep or a nurse yells at me to go away and brings you inside.”

“I’d like that.”

* * *

 

_The agreement to visit his grave was made for both of their sake’s, the thought that if someone was there that they wouldn’t push it too far, that visible crying would be kept for home, that with another person to hold onto that this visit wouldn’t be grim. Cordelia showed up in a long floral dress that dragged ever so slightly on the ground, she laid red roses on the ground beneath the stone that’s dates read all too short before joining Marvin at the foot of the still fresh dirt. She rested her head in the curve of his neck and together they stood to watch a monument to their fallen friend._

_“Do you think I should have brought something?” Marvin had felt guilt form in his chest the moment he noticed the roses she had held in a tender grasp._

_“Not if you didn’t want to. He would have hated all this shit.” she smiled weakly “He liked presents just not pity ones.” the thought of flowers for a grave as pity gifts was one that Marvin would never truly shake._

_“I suppose that’s correct.” after he spoke the warmth of tears fell onto the collar of his shirt._

_“I never wanted this.” she pulled her head up to wipe just under her eyes, Marvin placed his arm around her waist and for those few moments before she pulled away from him the world consisted simply of them and the cool February air._

* * *

 

"You're gonna be something great kid." the words slipped from his mouth so easily as if it were a strip of satin.

"You say that so much." his Dad was rather proud of everything but his encouragements seemed to fall on deaf ears.

"Because it's true." he turned his head "You're somehow smarter than almost any in this family."

"Charlotte still exists Dad."

"You'll beat her someday Fuchs's always rise Jas!" they both laughed for a second "But you're not arrogant like some people," in a small moment of self-awareness Marvin alluded to himself "But you're also just a kind person even as life has just thrown everything at you. You're something else Jas." Jason held back tears he couldn't break Cordelia's rule: Don't cry around Marvin a rule that she often broke "And I didn't say it enough." that was the breaking point there was nothing left for Jason to say to himself that would calm him down before he could even comprehend it tears had already rolled down his cheek.

He gestured for his father to move over he sat on the bed wrapping his arms around his father's neck "I love you."

"I love you too." he placed his hand on his son's back.

"I don't want to lose you." and as if someone had flipped a switch Marvin too started crying.

"I don't want to lose you, I'm fighting so hard to not, please believe that." this was something Marvin repeated he needed them to believe that he was fighting.

When six rolled around and Jason was still not outside Trina got worried parking the car she walked into the single bedroom only to find her ex-husband and son laying together recovering from tears "I'll give you longer." she, in fact, gave them until morning at Jason's request he just needed more time with Marvin.

* * *

 

_“Can you tie this?” Jason stood in the doorway two pointed rectangles falling down his chest._

_“Oh yeah!” Marvin stood up taking the red fabric in his hands “I’ve only worn clip-on ties for the past decade.” he almost bantered to himself._

_Crossing the strips of fabric over each other he brought one up “Mendel tried to teach me last month and then gave up saying that ‘Most men just wear clip-on ties either way so there’s no real reason to have them.”_

_“That’s true but still it’s a nice skill to have.” bringing the fat tongue of the_ tie up _he finally tied it into a simple now “There we go!” he straightened it._

 _Jason pulled the tie in front of him “Thanks, Dad!_ ”

* * *

 

"I just want to say it's been a privilege knowing you Trina."

"Likewise Marvin," she smiled "God who would've thought we'd turn out like this."

Marvin chuckled "I always thought we'd still be married, I also thought we'd have another kid but it's a bit late for that."

"Imagine two Jasons running around, one already talks off my ear the other would just." her eyes went wide and she moved her hands around her head "So is this goodbye truly Marv?"

"I'm not going to be hooked up to a ventilator that'll just prolong this." he cast his eyes to the machine that beeped along with his heart "I feel guilty but I don't want to do that to Jason, die with dignity at least."

"God we've known each other what? Seventeen years?"

"That can't be right." Trina had forever been part of his life, she was weaved into the tapestry of his life so deeply that she had become the first thread.

"I know it feels like decades.”

"It feels so short at the same time too." they remained silent.

"This isn't the ending it's just the goodbye right?" she squeezed his hand "Can you promise that?"

"It's a goodbye for now. You'll be here tomorrow I guarantee it." this was a goodbye he could live with, it was sweet and promised another day.

"Well, of course, you're not spending Saturday without us!"

"I'd hate to." she stood up picking up her purse she went to leave the room as she became a silhouette Marvin called out one last thing "Goodbye until whenever Trina."

"Goodbye until next time." she turned her head to give him a smile turned on her heel and left.

* * *

 

_“I think if you say your family and my family should take a photo we could sneak out of that door, find a car and then go to San Francisco and then figure from there!” Trina whispered in his ear smiling._

_“Or we wait until after this and then disappear.”_

_“I’d agree but this will probably get worse.”_

_“At least this will end at some point.”_

* * *

 

Mendel had come in only to pick up Trina but before leaving he turned on his heels and offered a smile “See you Saturday!”

* * *

 

_“And I know Trina deserves better but leaving her for Whizzer would probably be worse.”_

_“Worse than being stuck in this marriage?”_

_“Leaving her for someone else especially a man? That would break her!” Mendel simply nodded “Are you really not going to say anything about the man.”_

_“Oh.” Mendel flipped through the pages of his yellow notepad “Well I think that maybe trying to talk it through Trina would be best rather than just leaving immediately.”_

_Marvin let out a chuckle “You’re so goddamn professional.”_

_“Excuse me?” Mendel did try but he never thought of himself as professional._

_“Can you just say whatever you want about Whizzer so you don’t gossip about it with your wife.”_

  
_“Well if I’m being honest I do think it’s rather inappropriate that you’re doing this and just stringing your wife along.”_

_“And?”_

_“That’s it.” Mendel laughed “I’m fine with the gay thing-”_

_“I’m not gay.”_

_“Or whatever it is, I’m not fine with the cheating.”_

_“Why would you be fine with that?”_

_Mendel slowly closed his eyes “Well,” he opened them “I’d be lying if I said I’ve exclusively dated women.” Mendel had only dated three people, two women, and one man. Sexuality had always been odd for him, he loved women but there was always an itch at the back of his head; his college boyfriend._

_“Oh.” and for a brief moment, everything seemed to align in Marvin’s head_.

* * *

 

Trina had come to visit that morning, she was almost completely silent save for a few whispers Marvin couldn't quite make out. But the atmosphere of the room was one that did not exactly speak of a man in recovery, it spoke of one on death's door. His room was left empty for a few hours, no one could get the courage to visit him. But before he could fully come to terms with dying with no one at his side Charlotte arrived with trembling hands and a soft voice.

“Char. Can you stay here for as long as he needs you?” he needed Jason to have a family after he was

“Yes.” Charlotte had done so much without hesitation she was what Marvin wished he could be; strong-willed and selfless when it really counted.

“I love you, Marvin.” her voice took on a tone that was reassuring but the words made it very clear that she didn't expect him to make it through the week.

“Love you too.” that was the only response he could give. Wishing he could have just weaved the pattern of words of his admiration when he had the time.

* * *

 

_The balcony stood high above the city sheltering the two souls within its metal fence. And for a moment Charlotte let herself forget that there was anything beyond the starless purple sky. That was until Marvin spoke, “Do you think they’re ever gonna let us back in?”_

_“When they stop finding it funny they will.” muted laughter could be heard through the thick glass sliding door “This was a majority of college for me.”_

_“I feel like I should salute you for surviving that.”_

_“I'd take it.” she smirked before turning around to knock on the glass “If you two don't let at least me in I will dig up the photos.” ‘the photos’ seem to strike well in Cordelia's mind as she slid open the door._

* * *

 

Candles often go out before we wish them to. When sat in the golden illumination of one a person can so easily fall into the belief that the gold will never cease, that the wick will continue to burn, and the wax will never melt down. But that belief is as easily supported as it is crushed. A man could look better one day and then as easily lose his balance the next. But when that candle burns out and one is left in the abyss of darkness you can so easily lose whatever reality you had come to grips with, convincing yourself that that hospital bed will still be filled with your friend. But it can't and it will never be again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is long... because it needs to be long. Also I write in free indirect discourse so..... yeah that's fun. Oh I'm also homeschooling now because apparently it's okay to bully the one thirteen year old in the highschool.... Oh! Yeah also I'm certain that this will end after the next two rounds I already know how I wish to end it!


	25. Since Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia stops dancing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real quick chapter!

For a moment the earth became still when her lover walked through the door with nothing but bad news painted on her lips. For a moment no one else existed but her and Mendel as she went to dial the phone. For a moment all sound ceased leaving her ears to ring on and on. For a moment the earth stopped turning. She wasn't sure where life began after this or if it ever would begin again. The music had stopped and so had her dancing she was left to sit in the deafening silence that had just stopped what seemed like only moments ago. She could feel herself crying but it didn't connect something in her head made her believe she wasn't a part of this body that she was simply watching through somebody else's eyes, she wished for it to be so.

* * *

 

Trina and Charlotte had taken it upon themselves to organize the service and for that Cordelia would be forever grateful. She had a catering gig to go to and then she had seemingly all the time in the world, she wished the busy work kept her mind from moving to her friend but even the smallest reference would bring her back to the balcony or his apartment or god forbid that hospital room.

* * *

 

_“How do you fuck up cookie dough that badly?” she watched what could loosely be called a dough slop off of her friend's wooden spoon._

_“It could be saved.” he tilted his head as if getting the right angle might save this concoction._

_She shook her head “Ya know I've never seen worse, it's a lost cause.” she placed her hand on his shoulder as if to comfort him._

_“Someday we'll get them!”_

_“Someday.”_

* * *

 

Wet hair cascaded down her back reaching just above her bra strap she brushed it to sit on her shoulders this was all the movement she could muster and for those few moments life was still something manageable that she could hold within the palm of her hand. And then it became all too big again something that slid down her throat choking her. But she couldn't put aside time to breath she had somewhere to be.

She would never enjoy mourning wear, the simple black jumpsuit that she had once loved now sat at the far end of the closet in the hopes that she wouldn't have to push through the rack of clothes to reach for it again. But she did, so much more often it seemed. The black jumpsuit was accompanied by a small gold necklace something that varied this occasion from the others. She straightened the bird pendant to sit just in the middle of her chest before swooping her hair forward to sit upon her shoulders. She forced a smile in the mirror and turned back as she headed for the door.

* * *

 

“I haven't had a drink since January.” Trina pulled her dress down.

“Oh,” six months had seemed like years to her “Now that you say it I don't think I have either.”

“That's funny.”

“I suppose.” a funeral would never be the best host for rich conversation especially when surrounded by strangers you only share one common bond with.

* * *

 “And then there were five.” a dark joke on Cordelia's end that no one laughed as she had expected that and was content in it.

* * *

 

Her mind had paid little attention to who had stayed at the grave site, not Charlotte she was certain of that. Perhaps Mendel had stayed a little longer? Maybe Jason had promised to walk home if they would just let him stay. She was almost too nervous to look at the person beside her for all she knew it could be a complete stranger who would attempt to make pleasant conversation; something she wanted none of.

“When we bought the family plot I don't think we expected to use it so soon.” though the sentence could have been delivered as a joke the voice of Trina Weisenbachfeld stood steady and almost stern in a way.

“I’m not sure what to say.”

“I'm not either.” and so together they made the silent agreement to stay quiet and let this hot summer day sizzle on around them as they took none of it in.

* * *

 With the plate in her hand, it almost felt too appealing to simply smash it, to have something to be in her control to have the dish simply shatter against the hardwood floors. She could clean it before Charlotte got back and that broken dish would be a secret for her and the apartment. Before she knew it small bits of ceramic laid themselves upon the floor and she was left to sweep the mess and keep this between her and the walls.

“What happened there?” Charlotte pointed to the bandage around her fiance's palm.

This is what she had prayed for Charlotte not to ask “Oh I just cut myself while cooking it happens all the time!” this, she admits, was a clever cover-up, perhaps she wouldn't notice the missing dish and she wouldn't think twice about the cut. That was until the wound still spilled scarlet after an hour and showed no sign of stopping.

“That needs stitches.”

“Oh,” Cordelia looked down at her palm, stitches meant the hospital and the hospital wasn't a kind place to her “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” her inflection went up as if she were also asking a question.

The dish was a horrible idea for a moment something was controlled by her hand a hand that would later be damaged by this very decision. Gauze wrapped itself around her hand causing it to be fairly hard to move, that would’ve been the worst part if it weren't for the stinging.

* * *

 

The ceiling fan chased itself around and around to a predetermined beat, a beat that Cordelia followed easily. She had slept rather well, too much at that, but rather well for the past month but now with her hand delicately dangled over the corner of their mattress sleep seemed to become shy. The single call of someone who simply requested a caterer for a wedding. It was a kind of vertigo that came upon her, life for other people had continued. They had lost nobody, their life was not impacted by the last breath of one Marvin Fuchs. She had to deny the gig claiming a family emergency. Later she would come to regret this, the money would have been nice sure but the reason to put up the charade of being okay was something she couldn't find anywhere else.

* * *

 

“What happened to your hand?” Trina had poked around the question for the past hour but now nothing seemed to pull her back.

“Oh yeah!” she lifted her hand gazing at the gauze “I broke a dish.”

“How?” Trina squinted it was a friendly question no kind of mischief lined her voice.

She knew that deceiving Trina would never be possible she was a good liar sure but Trina could always see through her as if she were cellophane “I broke it. I just dropped it and watched it shatter.” Cordelia pulled her lip in.

“I've done that.” Cordelia lifted her eyebrows “After the divorce, I broke at least five plates.” the brunette gave a weak smile.

It was nice to know that this was not simply a wrong string woven into the fabric that made up this woman, that it was a reaction others had.

* * *

 

“I don't want kids okay!” the outburst came at a moment that wasn't too heated, at least on Charlotte’s end it wasn't it was simply bickering about moving.

“Oh.” Charlotte took a step back as if she had been thrown off her balance.

“And I'm sorry okay?” she brushed her hair up “I tried to say I could because I know you love kids but I just can't have a kid. I can't just have another person when I'm still not even sure what person I am.”

Charlotte went silent “Okay.”

* * *

 

She should've cried more, that was all Cordelia could think. Why wasn't she crying? Sure she felt trapped in the spiral of grief but tears never came. Within the first few weeks, they had stopped and she returned to life with a certain numbness sure but without tears. God damn it why wasn't she crying? She sobbed for months after Whizzer's death why was Marvin different?

* * *

 

Cordelia had brought sunflowers, seeing their yellow hue reminded her that in the last few months of the year leaving flowers would no longer be an option. She didn't think twice about buying them.

She arrived at the cemetery the bouquet tucked under her arm to the sight of her godchild standing at the foot of two headstones.

“Jason!” she called from the fence he looked up and waved.

“Delia! It's been forever!” she ran to wrap her arms around his shoulders.

He eyed the flowers not wanting to ask about them “Oh I picked these up too.” she held the plastic cover firmly in her hand.

“I just came from school so I didn't really have time.” quietly Cordelia handed him six flowers as she laid the other six just in front of her friend, Jason did the same for his father and they stood together silently unsure of whether to speak or not.

“I lost my Dad when I was fifteen too.” it was a fact that Cordelia had only uttered to Whizzer in a moment of confidence.

“Really?” this fact seemed relevant enough but didn't quite belong to this month it should have been said earlier.

“Yeah,” she looked down to her feet “I didn't go to the funeral though.”

“Why?” Jason needed to go to that funeral it was the one event that seemed to ground this whole situation into reality.

“Well,” she sighed “When the day finally came I just couldn't pull myself to do it so I stayed home and faked sick.” that seemed so much easier than shaking all those hands and nodding along as people felt sorry for your loss “Both times when I saw you show up I just needed to hug you close.” she smiled “Because you were strong enough to get up that day.” Jason pulled in for a hug and pressed his face against her shoulder she felt the corduroy of her orange jacket dampen.

“I don't want to do this again.” all she could do was pat the boy’s back she prayed to any God who could possibly be listening to lessen the load that was put upon his back.

* * *

 

Family dinner felt empty, it was almost humorous with six it was never an issue but now that the roundtable seated only five there was something so off as if she had lost a piece to a puzzle that she had only seemed to have now completed. But she smiled through it and pretended to listen to one of Mendel's stories, that was the best she could do right now.

* * *

 

No acknowledgment was made for her birthday and she liked it, her birthday was always deeply connected to Whizzer which was fine he was a part of her life for so long she couldn't blame him for sticking around.

* * *

 

December brought snow and the sneaking of cigarettes an action that made Cordelia feel as if she were in her junior year of high school again. It also brought the slow realization that she couldn't stay in this apartment for any longer no matter how much she wished to.

* * *

 

“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a sibling.”

“Are you trying to distract me?” Cordelia laid down a card “Because it won't work!”

“No, I was just thinking about you and your thousands of siblings.”

“Hey, there's not that many of us! We are in the hundreds at least!” the blonde laughed at her own joke.

“Do you still talk to them?”

“Yes,” she paused “Well one of them.”

“Only one?”

“She's the only cool one what can I say?”

* * *

 

The cold air burned Cordelia's nose but going back in seemed like an impossible feat one she had never completed. It was ridiculous couldn't she just go back into the warmth of their heated apartment and just talk through moving. She couldn't. She wasn't sure if she ever would, surely she could simply sit in this spot forever it would stay frozen and pristine, and she would stay sat on the fire escape as she explored what lives laid behind the city lights.

* * *

 

New Years had become a tradition somehow, Cordelia didn't mind it though welcoming in 1985 with the people she loved appeared to be a pleasant idea. It was a pleasant night but it had to end somewhere, just shortly after midnight in fact. That wasn't what the blonde wanted, no she almost needed this night to stretch just a little longer for this small bubble in time to be preserved for weeks. For this happiness to last for just a few more hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this will be done by like February crazy this entire thing has become a huge part of my creativity and I'm almost disappointed that it can't go on forever. Okay so I just also need to move I'm currently living in the worst place in my state (We're run partially by the KKK) so please send some good energy my way I just really need to get back to Denver. My life fell apart last year and I need to get back to the one place it made sense. Sorry, I am tired.


	26. I am Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason begins to drown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are coming out so much faster.

Mendel was the one to speak the news that seemed to stop Jason's heart. It never hit Jason all at the same time he heard the words and understood what they meant sure but part of him almost didn't believe them as if his Mother and Mendel were simply told the wrong information that Cordelia would call again and clarify what she meant. But she wouldn't Jason had held his breath for that call all morning after all Saturdays meant full family visits.

Even at the funeral Jason still held onto the small belief that somewhere in this world his Father still existed that this was all simply a grand hoax. The lower the casket went into the ground the more it seemed to dawn on him; his father wasn't coming back.

“And then there were five.” Cordelia kept her eyes on her feet, the sentence wasn't told like a joke should be rather it was put through a filter of dread and sorrow mangling the words that made even Jason question if this was an attempt at comedy or rather just the shiksa musing to herself.

Mendel took him home that afternoon, for some reason his Mother had decided to stay in the heat to stare at a stone that was never going to even glance back. He stayed in the formal wear when they finally got back to the townhome, there was no real reason to it he just didn’t feel like it was a task that needed to be handled.

* * *

 Whispers of school echoed through the house as September neared, he had been given a month before surely this time would be no different. He didn't mind going back after what seemed to be a defining event, one that would have pushed him into an incomprehensible abyss. After all working it off required genuine work. And so Jason once again marched into the brick building with his chin high. No one knew what had happened within the three months of summer and he planned to keep it that way, it wasn't their business. He ended up having fewer classes with Heather than expected but at least there was the walk home. But there wasn't, a fact he only remembered during study hall. She walked with him to his Father's apartment a place that was now vacant.

* * *

 Why was this the timeline he lived in? It was rather unfair. Some other version of himself got to keep his Father through adulthood but for some reason, the world had decided to stick him with this one. He would have dealt with Whizzer, in fact, he did, but this seemed like a blow that would knock him to the ground and keep him there.

* * *

 There was an odd loneliness to grief, sure he knew that four other people were going through this with him but he could never talk about it with them. Emotions were left for a piece of lined paper, not conversation. Isolation in one's mind only perpetuates the sorrow; that Jason knew but even beginning to choose words to describe whatever he was going through felt impossible. So silence filled his mouth and words became filler rather than building blocks for recovery.

* * *

 Yom Kippur last year was spent with the whole family. Now it just felt like fragmented pieces of a bigger unit were attempting to make a whole being and failing. There was nothing wrong with the dinner but Jason couldn't help but think about last year it all seemed to take less of a melancholy tone. They had argued jokingly and sang stupid songs together, now it just fell quiet all too often as they awkwardly shifted from topic to topic.

* * *

 The cemetery was all too appealing; it wasn't far away from home and it seemed like a quiet place to simply sort out whatever the day or week or year had brought. And so with only to the crisp crunch of autumn leaves to remind him that he was even moving Jason found himself once again at two headstones that’s dates read all too early. He locked his eyes on the grey rock as if they might escape if he dared to shift his gaze.

“Jason!” with that his eyes looked up at a smiling woman who didn't quite fit the scenery she was waving and bouncing ever so slightly a splatter of yellow was tucked just underneath her arm.

“Delia! It's been forever!” it had only been three weeks but that constituted forever in his book.

“Oh I picked these up too.” she presented the flowers.

“I just came from school so I didn't really have time.” quietly Cordelia handed him six flowers as she laid the other six just in front of her friend, Jason did the same for his father and they stood together silently unsure of whether to speak or not.

“I lost my Dad when I was fifteen too.” she turned her head to look at him her tone was flat but still warm.

“Really?” he had only heard that both of her parents had died, he assumed it had been well into her adulthood not teens.

“Yeah, I didn't go to the funeral though.”

“Why?” the teen had assumed a funeral was an event that almost everyone felt the need to go to, it was a grounding event.

“Well,” she sighed “When the day finally came I just couldn't pull myself to do it so I stayed home and faked sick. Both times when I saw you show up I just needed to hug you close.” she smiled it was something of a habit if she felt like crying she'd force a smile now “Because you were strong enough to get up that day.” Jason pulled in for a hug and pressed his face against her shoulder she felt the corduroy of her orange jacket dampen.

Suddenly the words he had needed to find struck “I don't want to do this again.” time stood still as they remained within the fences of the field that speckled itself with gravestones eventually he skipped off almost guilty to leave the woman behind.

Everything was awry. The world just made no sense, words never seemed to fully sync to sentences, strangers that passed him seemed all too familiar, and there was always the impending feeling of a missing piece. He knew what that piece was, but there was no matter of retrieval for it so everyone was just left to hang in the wind. It was profoundly unfair, no, beyond that it was almost inhumane to dangle what might have been in front of him but never show enough so he was only left to guess.

* * *

 “How did you move on from your Dad?” Jason regretted asking that question the moment it left his lips.

“Oh,” Cordelia tilted her head down “Well, my Father wasn't a kind man. Unlike yours of course. So I wasn't close to him, of course, there was the mixed in bonus of so many kids so it was difficult to feel a strong bond with him.”

“Oh.” Jason was hoping for an answer that would have helped more.

“But,” this sparked some hope “I did miss him and had all the ‘What if’s’ in my head. And all I found could help with that was just taking it slowly and trying to live the best I could each day.” that clicked in his head all he could do was make sure he tried his best to do well and if it wasn't up to par it simply wasn't.

* * *

 Life had seemed to slow so much in the time between his Father’s death and now, his time in the hospital had seemed to pass within moments but now the time after dragged on for decades at a time. He had expected November to come along so much sooner but now when the first finally rolled around the teen couldn’t help but wonder how it didn’t come sooner.

* * *

 “How do you not know how to play rummy?” Jason placed his cards on the table to look up at his stepfather.

Mendel shrugged “Never learned I guess?”

Cordelia offered an exaggerated frown “I can't believe you!”

“I can't believe Mom married you!”

“That's harsh for just not knowing how to play a card game!”

“It's rummy, Mendel!” Cordelia shook her head.

* * *

 The world felt all too new; his path home was slowly changing, Mendel's hair began to shift colours, his Mother took up gardening, all small changes that didn't seem to affect all that much but in his head made all the change in the world. To top it off Charlotte had been whispering about moving, that change was one that seemed irrationally big. Sure people in New York seemed to move every year, but that was their home, wasn't it? That was the place they had lived for the past five years why not make it six?

“Don't worry kid we'll still be in the city!” Charlotte reaffirmed.

“Yeah.” Jason already knew that the problem was leaving the apartment the one thing that seemed to stay untouched by tragedy.

“We might even be closer!” Cordelia smiled “No more taking the R alone to come see us!” he would’ve taken that train if it meant that they would stay put.

* * *

 Trina had found her nights spent more and more awake in the living room reading or crocheting at an increasing rate. Just a few hours at night to do whatever alone and Jason respected this making sure to avoid the living room at night. But one midnight when he finally admitted defeat he decided perhaps one late night wouldn't be so bad with company.

“Oh hey sweetie!” she placed her book down and gave him a smile.

“Hi Mom.” he sat next to her “Whatcha reading?”

“Jane Eyre, again.” she laughed for herself for a second.

“Dad always told me to read it, but I never got around to actually doing it.” he hadn’t referred to his Father out loud in so long and it stung when he had thought that it wouldn’t.

“He made me read it when we started dating.” she smiled as she flipped the book around.

Jason pulled his lips in biting down hoping that the pain would ground him and stop tears “I still miss him.”

“I know honey.” she rubbed his shoulder “It’s hard to move on.”

“I feel like I haven’t even started.”

“Maybe you haven’t and that’s okay.” his Mother paused tucking her hair behind her ear "You have to fight against your every instinct to move on," Trina's words seemed so simple and yet so wise "And that's going to be hard." she pulled her lips straight "But you also have to look ahead at what could be if you start moving on." to this more tears pricked at his eyes "Come here." she pulled him in for a hug "This is a battle we're all going to fight."

* * *

 New Years brought the entire family under one roof again and for a night they seemed almost normal, they laughed through the night and cheered when 1985 finally hit. But the colour seemed so dull as if it was painted over with a near transparent grey paint. Was this how life simply was? A little grey. Was this a flat line? Would better ever show her face again or was she just gone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so quick blurb AIDS usually takes 8 to 10 years to fully develop, so why did Marvin die so quickly? The answer he didn't I did probably give him two years less than he could've had but then again it is a really complex disease so the eight to ten thing is just a general time frame I'd say Marvin had been living with it for seven years. So yeah sorry that was simply because last night I started to panic because I thought I had severely fucked up. Also I have a drawn out timeline for this whole thing.


	27. And I Guess You'll Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wind stops and Trina is left at sea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might finish this before 2019 that is wild.

Trina sat at the bottom of the bathtub getting up seemed like an incomprehensible task one she would never master. She knew what news Mendel would have when she got out and so she had let the water grow cold and the time grow stale as she prolonged the inevitable. She felt so childish a shower couldn't last forever this wasn't a permanent escape she should just grow up and face reality. But she couldn't and she didn't want to. Didn't she deserve this one break?

The shower lasted another thirty minutes and she delayed leaving the bathroom for another fifteen. Sure enough, Mendel was sitting in the living room an arm around Jason's shoulder who was hunched over clearly he had not been prepared for this inescapable end. Trina sat next to her son offered a squeeze of the hand and the simple words of “Everything will be alright.” it was a lie in a way she wasn't sure that everything would work out but she needed to imply that they would.

* * *

 Charlotte called to ask for help with the funeral and three days later Trina was putting on a black dress and putting her hair in a formal bun.

“He'd hate all the black.” she didn't mean to say this but as she stared out the car window the thought has simply slipped.

“Yeah,” Mendel agreed “He'd say it was too formal and to throw some white in or something like that.” musing on the potential words of a man who could no longer speak seemed to always be a go-to for them didn't it?

Cordelia stood surrounded by a sea of strangers her eyes were obviously searching for a recognizable face that's when she locked eyes with Trina who waved and walked over to the woman. Now together they stood in a sea of co-workers they had never met or the occasional college friend, a distant cousin, and so many others Trina couldn't place. She felt guilty when she couldn't, after all, he was her friend.

“I haven't had a drink since January.” this was meant to lighten the mood.

“Oh, now that you say it I don't think I have either.” the blonde brought her eyebrows down.

“That's funny.” it wasn't really but the words just seemed to flow well.

“I suppose.” the conversation ended there together the agreement was made thought silently that anymore talking would be too difficult for the benefits that would be reaped.

Jason never seemed to look right at a funeral. He shouldn't have been there even now as he looked almost too much like a full grown adult the teen still stuck out like a sore thumb. Of course, only to Trina, she was perhaps the only person who believed this. But as she watched him wander around before the service she couldn't help but latch on to the idea. That he was somehow unwonted in this situation, that he simply didn’t belong to this day. But he did, no matter how much she wished him to not be written into the plot of this story he would always be the first pen stroke.

The family had gathered around the grave of their fallen friend, Mendel had spoken but the words muddled together in Trina’s ear the only sound that seemed to cut through was Cordelia’s “And then there were five.” she almost wanted to laugh the words were funny but when spoken like a flat line they seemed grave almost too dark.

Soon Mendel and Jason left with Charlotte in tow leaving only the two women to stand in a deafening silence.

Cordelia gazed off looking like a disinterested high school student, breaking this seemed wrong but Trina needed the silence to end and so she spoke “When we bought the family plot I don't think we expected to use it so soon.” she almost meant to play it off more as a joke than she did, it was the wrong thing to say and she knew it.

“I’m not sure what to say.” the taller woman did not make eye contact.

“I'm not either.” so a quiet baked underneath the summer sun until Trina found no reason to stay.

* * *

 A month went by too fast. When Trina looked up only to discover that the sixteenth had once again rolled around she felt almost guilty as if in the first month she hadn’t done enough, didn’t wear enough black, didn’t cry enough, didn’t question why such an event would happen enough. It would never be enough. No amount of black would truly show an appreciation for a man even she questioned her admiration for. She was stuck in a spiral of never feeling mournful enough.

* * *

 Cordelia visiting seemed like a good thing, something to break up the week. Plus she was sure that the caterer would also need the company. She arrived her hand wrapped in gauze and Trina couldn’t help but wonder just what had occurred in the month since the funeral.

“What happened to your hand?” she put on a polite smile as almost an apology for even being that direct.

“Oh yeah!” she exclaimed as if she had forgotten somehow “I broke a dish.”

“How?” now she was curious.

“I broke it. I just dropped it and watched it shatter.” the woman spoke almost too fast under the last word which she extended for all too long.

This at least clicked in Trina’s head “I've done that. After the divorce, I broke at least five plates.” she had been ashamed of this fact it had stayed between her and Mendel for the past six years and now that small circle of two extended ever so slightly.

* * *

 Sleepless nights should at least be proficient nights. She had taken up reading, more than she did before at least. She had always enjoyed reading it was partially why Marvin had initially enjoyed her company but now it seemed like a distraction more than a hobby. As if a copy of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ was going to stop any suffering as if the pages would answer her many questions and offer a reason for her grief.

* * *

 The kid was too damn strong. He shook off any distress in time for school, Trina couldn’t help but speculate how he did it.

* * *

 “Charlotte wants to move.” the blonde set her mug down and placed her hand beneath her chin.

“That should be nice.” Trina had always enjoyed the bustle of moving.

Cordelia shrugged “I don’t like the idea. Why move around when you already have a nice place?” the Mother nodded along “I mean my Mother lived in the same place from twenty until she died,” this wasn’t true she had moved shortly before Cordelia had seemed to get lost in the minds of her family “Why would we need to leave to apartment?”

“Well at least your staying in the city,” she offered what little she could “Suburbs are awful.”

* * *

 Jason was home late that day. Trina didn’t care to ask it was only by an hour and whatever it was left his eyes glassy.

* * *

 “God I'm already greying!” Mendel attempted to run a hand through his hair.

“I'm just surprised it didn't start earlier.” Trina shrugged putting her hands on his shoulders.

“Forty seems early?”

She placed a kiss on his cheek “Maybe it is.” she truthfully had no idea.

* * *

Jason had walked into the living room at a time she was certain he shouldn't be up for but not wanting to fight she set it aside for now “Oh hey sweetie!”

“Hi Mom.” he sat next to her “Whatcha reading?”

“Jane Eyre, again.” she laughed for herself for a second she had read it close to thirty times.

“Dad always told me to read it, but I never got around to actually doing it.”

“He made me read it when we started dating.” she smiled as she flipped the book around.

_“What do you mean you haven't read Jane Eyre?” Marvin chuckled_

_“I just haven't!” she laughed along “We can't all be English majors!”_

_“I'm not an English major!” he looked into the winter sky “I have a copy in my apartment if you want to come in.”_

_“Real smooth Fuchs.” she laughed harder “I suppose I can't say no.”_

Jason’s face grew a shade closer to red the first sign that warned Trina that tears would be soon “I still miss him.”

“I know honey.” she rubbed his shoulder “It’s hard to move on.”

“I feel like I haven’t even started.”

“Maybe you haven’t and that’s okay. You have to fight against your every instinct to move on,” the words weren't completely Trina's she had heard an old friend recite them once but the sentiment was strong enough to stay in her mind "And that's going to be hard. But you also have to look ahead at what could be if you start moving on." the idea of a brighter future was one that Trina held closely "Come here." she pulled him in for a hug "This is a battle we're all going to fight." she needed her Son to know that, this was a joint effort to move on he wasn't a one-man battalion.

* * *

 The concept of God was one that Trina couldn't help but stray from; whatever it was had seemed to disappear within the past two years. What little sense of a higher power she could have made out became more and more muted. She was beginning to agree with Marvin perhaps God was simply a clockmaker who did nothing but watch his creation tick on reluctant to help the people he created.

* * *

 New Years brought around the newly found tradition of the entire family getting together to toast to a new chapter. Though the last chapter seemed to tell a tale of nothing but sorrow their voices raised shouts of nothing but hope for the coming year. Whether they were fake or not didn't seem to matter much to anyone just as long as they were there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like I genuinely might move... Also y'all lovely humans it means a lot to me that you take the time to read!


	28. You Will Always Be A Part of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mendel is stuck in a stalemate.

Cordelia's voice choked out one simple sentence "Marvin, he didn't make it through the night." who knew that such a seemingly simple sentence could bring Mendel near to his knees, but he stayed upright with his hand firmly planted on the wall.

Jason’s eyes simply widened he didn't speak tears just simply rolled from his eyes, Mendel placed an arm around his shoulder patting it. That wasn't enough and he knew it wasn't but there were no other ways to go about it were there? At least not one Mendel knew. 

* * *

 He should've helped more, it shouldn't have been Trina and Charlotte's job to plan a memorial. But it was a little late for that now.

Almost everything on that cloudy day seemed unremarkable, nothing seemed to spark any sort of inspiration. Which Mendel supposed was fitting, but as the family gathered around the headstone he couldn't help but to speak “When Marvin walked into my office I assumed he'd be out of it in six months.” he was out in three years not because of any success on Mendel's end “And here we are five years later, he was the turning point of my life and I will forever be grateful that he walked through that door. He tried to be the best man and father he could and you know what? He succeeds in that regard.” the wiry man had also done this at Whizzer’s funeral eulogies were perhaps his strongest skill.

Cordelia took a minute before delivering the line of “And then there were five.” it was funny but Mendel couldn't laugh or even crack a smile it all seemed so unnatural now as if a grin was something alien to his face now.

“I want to leave now.” the words were quick and sharp as they left Jason’s mouth.

“Okay.” Mendel put a hand on Trina's shoulder who simply shook her head and so without her he and his son left not looking behind. 

* * *

 Going back to work after such an event felt like a life that Mendel had never lived rather he had simply been dropped there with no explanation. Maybe his Father was right he wasn't meant to be a psychiatrist. How had he ever done this before? There was no joy in this work it was meaningless and all too simple. 

* * *

 The feeling of a missing link wasn’t lost on the family as for the first time since the funeral they all met together. It was quiet all too quiet almost reminiscent of some painting you would find in a museum all faces were kept blank, all eyes seemed vacant behind the eyes. Mendel couldn’t help but compare it to the memorial he hadn’t expected this to be so solemn. One month wasn’t enough time for life to fully reset but the tone seemed to not fit this family, they should be joyous and vulgar not resigned barely speaking to the ones they loved so dearly.

Five was far too few for this family that was the problem. They made six work but five simply didn't fit the frame. 

* * *

 Trina had always seemed to soar above him so having to once again watch her crash to the ground was an event that Mendel would never truly shake. She could raise her chin with tears stuck in her eyes and claim she was fine but it never rung too true.

“Mendel just stop asking I'm fine and we both know it.”

“I’m just worried about you.”

Trina closed her eyes slowly “This isn't going to be a repeat of last time I promise that.” he wasn't concerned of a repeat attempt he was concerned that she would never soar above him again. 

* * *

 Sympathy cards had crowded the coffee table for months. It was funny so many people sending their condolences to Jason and Trina, not a single one to the rest of the family. But to others there were no other family members in the Fuchs clan, there were no added hyphens, no one who only found others like them in six other people, nothing but the three souls that all spoke so similarly. One day the cards vanished leaving no trace that they had even existed, whether it was by the hands of Trina or Jason didn't matter, they were gone all the same. Accompanying the missing cards three pictures of Marvin left their places on the wall as if time was trying to erase this man. Taking down his smiling face wouldn't save or spare anyone it simply removed a reminder of a man who brought happiness to his family. At least that is what Mendel liked to believe. He would never hang another picture of Marvin though, that was a vow on his end. 

* * *

 “Did Marvin ever talk to you in the hospital.” Cordelia kept a hushed tone.

“I mean yeah.” it seemed like an obvious answer, not one that needed to be whispered.

She darted her rainy blue eyes before returning to his “I have another question.” she paused as if anticipating a denial “Why did he just stop?”

“I'm not entirely sure what you mean.”

“Why did he stop fighting?” Cordelia folded her hands on the table as if to stop a third party from joining them.

“Well Delia,” there truly was no answer “I can't be sure he never talked about that.” her face turned to a painting of disappointment “Perhaps he thought that fighting wasn't going to help, that he'd rather go out on his terms.”

“Would fighting have changed anything?”

Mendel knew the answer to be no at some point the human mind can only determine so much of one's life “I can't be entirely sure. I'd say it could've prolonged the inevitable.” 

* * *

 To wonder how many more dawns await a person is something Mendel's mind had never truly gone to. But now as he laid next to his wife her soft breath becoming the melody of the night he couldn't help but wonder how many more mornings he got to lay next to her and if that amount would ever be enough. See Marvin in his mind was a trojan horse temporarily supplying something so wonderful before he took it back in one swoop. Trina kept breathing. He hoped he died after her so she wouldn't have to deal with his death, she wouldn't have to watch him wither away. To Mendel that was the worst part of a prolonged death, not the mourning that ensues after but the build-up, the fading light from a loved one's eyes, the slow weight loss, thinning hair, an almost anticipation of their death. There would be a day when Mendel would fully believe that life wasn't something that could be stolen so easily, that the people around him were far too strong to be taken out like that. But for now, that thesis stayed unsupported. 

* * *

 September brought a new school year and the new found belief that no matter how much they attempted to nobody could truly get over this. That the family would forever be plagued by this loss, that nothing would move their pieces forward and so they were being left to sit on a blank board staring at the brilliance that could have been. 

* * *

 Finding meaning in the stars was something of an odd skill that Mendel wished nothing but to acquire. Trina seemed to gaze into the sky reach her hand out and so easily grasp a story. Thousands of stories printed themselves across the navy sky and Mendel found himself unable to read them. Sure Trina was certainly simply making up the tapestry of this star’s past life but it was a skill all the same, to so effortless weave a story from beneath her fingertips is something that the man would forever in awe of. 

* * *

 "Ya know I didn’t celebrate Chanukah until Jason stumbled into our apartment.” Charlotte leaned against the table staring out into the living room as if she were watching another life play out before her eyes.

“I never really did either,” he laughed “Well other than if my Mother forced me to go to Connecticut of course.”

“Kinda weird.” the woman tilted her head “It’s fun though. All of us together I mean.”

“We’re a nice bunch.” Mendel beamed. 

* * *

 New Years carried an odd tone, which Mendel assumed everyone else felt. The feeling akin to the slight sting in one’s face when a forced smile goes on for a little too long. The night was all too familiar to his ears slight cheers, small talk that never led anywhere, and even the call of “Don’t forget to return the pyrex!” he almost wanted to laugh couldn’t they all see this was a circle that was simply being repeated too many times. This was a circle that Mendel didn’t intend to walk, the path was too natural for his feet, after forty years something had to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte's chapter will be out soon so yeah. Also pls comment I really like to see who is keeping up with this.


	29. Hemming and Hawing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte cannot catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halloween chapter! Not themed Halloween but uploaded then

On a Thursday buried within June in an almost too tranquil way Marvin struggled for one final breath and left Charlotte in the walls of a room, she couldn't stand. Death had filled her entire adult life and until now it hadn't truly hit just how awful it was, to keep counting the second waiting for an exhale knowing that it won't come. She was nothing but an empty vessel, a vacant mind, deaf ears, a mute mouth, eyes that couldn't seem to find a horizon.

Cordelia understood immediately, there was no longer a person in that hospital room that since January had seemed to become a hub of life. It was a funny thing the language of loss it’s an all too universal dialect. Charlotte couldn't quite recall what she did with the rest of her day; it was still rather early and it seemed like she had nothing but time on her hands. Perhaps she simply went to sleep or stared at a wall trying to comprehend just what had happened, it was all too likely that she had simply locked herself in the bathroom sobbing unable to face the world beyond that white door. 

* * *

 "I think it's our job to do this.” Trina had wanted to help Charlotte more through Whizzer's death and now she, unfortunately, had the opportunity.

“I agree.” 

* * *

 Jason had clung to her at the wake being a little too close at all times. Prayers and hymns passed through her head as if they were nothing. A eulogy was given by someone not even Trina could place and it only took the rising of seven other people to signal to Charlotte that now was the time to walk the casket out. A trail of people followed as if they were a caravan of lost souls just grasping to each other to stay on the ground. The shovelling of dirt was such a simple thing that the doctor had never truly understood, never really took a moment to grasp what it truly meant. Slowly people trickled out until it was only the six of them. Mendel spoke for a few minutes his words spaced as if he needed to truly visualize every syllable before speaking it.

“And then there were five.” her partner's words were hollow and haunting as if they had only been whispered not projected into the humid air.

Mendel turned on his heels behind him Jason joined and just for a second Charlotte almost wanted to stay. She couldn't that would be ridiculous, she had things to do. Right?

She didn't bother with any lights when she arrived home favouring opening a window over the artificial illumination. She wanted nothing more but to restart that year to be back crowded in that living room counting down the minutes until ‘85, there were so many things she hadn't said, so many questions that never hung in the air, no tearful goodbye, no exclamations of love. She had done so little, for once in her life she hadn't done enough. 

* * *

 The first week passed all too quickly. Life shouldn’t have resumed so easily, this was an uphill battle to feel normal again. But Marvin was the echo of an elegie something so beautifully haunting that continued to reverberate in the air mocking its original composition as it twisted into not a celebration of life but the reminder of death. 

* * *

 "Why do you keep insisting that this place is awful?"

"Barely anything good has seemed to happen here!" to this Cordelia rolled her eyes "Plus if we want a kid we're gonna need more room than this." the two bedroom part was fine but from experience, they both knew how cramped the apartment with more than two occupants.

“I don't want kids okay!” the confession had seemed like something that should have come sooner.

“Oh.” words didn't come it felt as if a dream that she had held so closely was torn away.

“And I'm sorry okay? I tried to say I could because I know you love kids," Charlotte didn't like the notion of Cordelia favouring her wants over her own "But I just can't have a kid. I can't just have another person when I'm still not even sure what person I am.”

Charlotte went silent “Okay.”

Cordelia took a shaky breath in "I'm so sorry."

The shorter woman looked down "No reason to be. Maybe a kid was a bit much."

“No it wasn't.” she folded her lips in “I'm just not enough.”

For a few fleeting hours, silence fell upon the flat, neither one was quite sure what to say “I broke the plate myself.”

“I know.”

Cordelia cocked her eye “How?”

“I’ve known you for almost twenty years and” God had it really been that long? “I’ve never seen you drop a plate.” 

* * *

 Grief has such a funny way about it it can tear you down and make you believe that you are nothing without it. Could life even be real without grief? It always it always lingered just above Charlotte's head, always there but always out of sight. 

* * *

 Last year on Yom Kippur they had argued about whether New York was really a better city than LA, this year they poked around any conversation. This was their reality now a blackout, Charlotte would have taken the dim light of a single candle.

Having someone cry on her shoulder was something Charlotte should’ve been used to by now but when faced with the teary face of Trina she was unsure what to do there were no actions for a moment like this. The dinner had taken a darker tone, she wanted nothing more than to be in this same place a year ago when life seemed to take a kinder tone.

Trina pulled her face up tucked her hair behind her ears and with a steady voice declared “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s truly nothing.”

The woman sighed “No it isn’t.” Charlotte didn’t press any farther. 

* * *

 “Do you think I should change it?” the question of where exactly Fuchs came from led to another the sound of which Charlotte did not enjoy.

“Why would you?”

Jason shrugged “Maybe getting rid of the hyphen is easier?”

“I think keeping it would be best.” this wasn't where she should advise, she had no clue if keeping the last name was far too much pain but her gut told her it simply wasn't.

“Keep it an add a hyphen just because!” her fiance called from the kitchen laughing at her own joke. 

* * *

 November brought the unpleasant surprise of frigid air and the uncomfortable dance around Cordelia’s birthday. Charlotte wasn’t entirely sure if it was even a possibility to celebrate this year when the shiksa kept silent on the subject she decided it was best to follow her lead. December brought the smell of cigarettes back into their home, the odour of the addictive things stuck to the fabric of Cordelia’s clothing her obviously well thought out plan had one hitch.

“Have you been smoking again?”

Cordelia darted her eyes as if she was searching for a way out “I,” she placed her tongue into her cheek “I have.”

“Why?”

The blonde refused to make eye contact with her lover “I just need this one thing.” she placed her hand on Charlotte’s knee “Please.”

“Can you at least try to quit?” that seemed like a fair request an attempt to just try.

The woman let out a sharp sigh “I will,” she turned to look Charlotte in her eyes “But I’m just going to relapse.” Cordelia’s voice occasionally carried such a certainty that Charlotte had no choice but to trust any words that escaped her mouth, this was no exception. 

* * *

 Trina, Mendel, and Jason came and went with the passing of midnight leaving Cordelia and Charlotte to sit on the couch staring at but not truly watching whatever was playing “Our lease is ending.”

“Is this really the finish?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My birthday is in November just realized subconsciously that's probably why Cordelia's is too.


	30. Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia realizes just how long it has been since she danced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 30 BABEYYYY

“Our lease is ending.”

“Is this really the finish?” life had only seemed to exist within the walls of this apartment could it truly be real without this singular place grounding it? The room went all too silent “Well you find the place and I'll pack.” Cordelia gave up all too easily her backbone was never one of great strength.

She was a faded woman, a dim light, an old forgotten story that had not been told for many decades. Her legacy was one of being the doctor’s wife, perhaps she ran a semi-successful business but that would always come second to Charlotte.

* * *

 "I told Charlotte I didn't want a kid at all a few months ago and I still feel really fucking guilty." Cordelia looked down laughing inwardly "And I'm sitting here at thirty-eight wondering if I should have a kid and you're over there having one at twenty.”

"What did you want to be when you were twenty?"

"A teacher."

"Well that clearly didn't work out." she paused spinning her mug around "But when you're twenty you have no clue who you are or what you even want. I was barely out of my parent's house and was just hoping that my job as a secretary would lead somewhere bigger! Then boom I have a husband and a kid and at the same time no clue as to what I actually wanted."

"That makes some sense."

"But I am glad Jason was born,” she said this as if she were trying to reaffirm this point in her own head “Life has a funny way of doing that though. Something that seems so awful can bring many wonders.” she smiled before pulling her face back to rest “I have always wanted to know what would’ve happened if I had just turned Marvin down that first night though.” Trina picked her mug up "You'll find your path kid or no kid." Trina's speech would always be something that Cordelia admired the simplicity but wit that came about it was a thing the shiksa never could quite grasp.

* * *

 Sound echoed through the apartment the click of her heel against the hardwood floor seemed to repeat itself for an eternity. This had all happened too fast. These were her last moments in her home, as soon as she transported this final box down to the moving truck that would be it. So she stalled just for the minute holding the box of clothes against her lap letting her chin raise up until she did nothing more but stare at the ceiling. Engaged to a doctor and moving to the upper west side, this was the life her Mother had always wished her to lead. Perhaps that was why it all felt so wrong as if in her sleep some being had shifted all her belongings ever so slightly to the right and if she ever brought it up she would seem crazy. All too soon the minute was up and all too soon she was sitting next to her doctor on the cold bench of a moving truck watching the townhomes and apartments slowly walk away.

The new house was nice, empty but that was sure to change right? The problem wasn't this place and it never would be, it was her. She would always be the problem.

* * *

 Charlotte came home talking about the virus, Cordelia could never really understand what it all meant. The story twisted itself into another knot every day, one minute it's GRID the next it's AIDS, it's in Denver or San Francisco, it's a skin cancer or blood disease. She couldn't keep up and guilt came in when she couldn't, after all, she wasn't suffering like these people she was watching from the outside horrified sure but still somehow at a distance. In the middle of a battleground she stood still, aware of the calibre of pure horror that this epidemic caused sure, but all the same, she stood still.

“I thought more people knowing would help,” Cordelia kept her eyes on the pan she didn't like Charlotte's face when talking about this it was painting in a mask of confusion and sorrow that made Cordelia’s heart sink “But I didn't anticipate them not caring. They only care enough to joke about it.”

“Why would they? They're not losing anyone, they're not dying.” she moved her eyes up to stare at nothing “As long as it's only the homos dying they will never care.”

“You always sound so sure when you say things like that.”

“That’s because I am.” this was the only certainty in life wasn’t it?

* * *

 The squeeze of the hand and the reaffirming of the fact that Charlotte would lead started a once weekly tradition that had since slipped out of routine. Together they danced to silence that had filled the kitchen. Cordelia spun out laughing, in the lull of her life somehow she pulled herself to laugh.

* * *

 Memories are a feeble thing. Such a feeble thing that Cordelia desperately needed to grasp on to. Photos wouldn’t help of course they only brought the shadows of past days who invited themselves to lay firmly over her chest, knowing this she still reached for the box of polaroids too often. The vast majority of the time her hand stood still just before it made contact with the cardboard, those were the good days. But more often than she cared to admit a small pile of photographs would accompany her night. These failures of nights led to bleak days plagued by only the thought of what might have been. What should’ve been.

_“You met his Mom?” Marvin raised both of his eyebrows his mouth agape._

_“Yeah it was in the weirdest point of our life, we knew we were both gay but had told ourselves that getting married was the best option. So before we announced our sham engagements he took me to Utah to meet his Mom and brother.” perhaps marrying him was the right path “All I really remember is the trip back though.”_

_“What was that like?”_

_“Well his Mom lived near the border of Utah and Colorado so we said fuck it and took a train to Denver to fly back.” she shrugged “It was around autumn so the trees were just beautiful, like the most brilliant of shades of green, yellow, red, and orange just all packed into one canyon.” she could never paint a beautiful picture of what the scenery looked like._

_“That does sound nice.”_

_“And there was this rest stop in this cute little town, and as we walked down the main street and told ourselves that we would move there at some point. When we got to New York again we started researching it and guess what!”_

_“What?”_

_“It was run by the KKK and probably still is.” that was unfortunate perhaps small town life would’ve suited her slightly better._

_“There’s always a catch.” the man pushed his mouth to the side “Would you have actually moved there if it weren’t for the KKK thing?”_

_“Probably,” she had considered looking into what that town was up to now “If not then Denver.”_

_“In Denver with a fake marriage. You should reconsider your life that sounds pretty good.”_

_“Whizzer and I in Denver with two kids and a mortgage? God sounds like_ the life _.”_

_“Kids?”_

_“Yeah, I mean we would've had to.”_

_Marvin shook his head “I didn’t know this fake marriage got this elaborate.”_

_“It’s a full production! Kids and all!”_

* * *

 It had taken her almost too long to invite her godchild to the new flat. It felt close to unnatural to give him the new address.

“It’s nice.” Jason gave a weak smile.

“Yeah it’s different.” she couldn’t bring herself to compliment the new place it was almost as if she were admitting of defeat to do so “It’ll take some time to get used to.”

“Hasn’t it been long enough?”

Cordelia couldn’t honestly remember when they moved in February maybe? “Apparently not.”

* * *

 Wasn’t it funny? One whole year had passed and she had done nothing in it. He would’ve been disappointed wouldn’t he? She had put her entire life on pause and didn’t seem to ever resume it, she watched as other people’s lives played out unable to begin her own. The plan of all meeting together wasn’t one the shiksa had been particularly keen on but with everyone else subscribing to the idea she found herself in the uncomfortable decision between comfort and family. Family was the only answer.

The gravity of Marvin’s death had never really set in, sure she knew he was gone but an inch of denial still sat in her head. But reading his name over and over again knowing that his voice would never speak it again was jarring. The crushing reality of loss slammed down on her all too quickly. Her friend was dead, not to the world but truly and honestly lifeless. The world as he spoke it was elapsed. The denial at the back of her head disappeared. Her eyes watered, this wasn’t the place to cry, so she forced a laugh catching the attention of the other four people.

“I’m sorry,” she wiped her left eye “I was just thinking about,” for a moment Cordelia attempted to come up with a funny anecdote there was not one she could find in the moment at least. So she became static fixed to the damp grass.

Trina pitched the idea of lunch and everyone agreed that it would be nice, she offered to cook it and no one denied. Mendel and Charlotte decided to sit in the backyard to play fetch with the dog, Cordelia and Jason paired together to sit in the living room talking about really nothing.

“Sorry I keep bringing this up but,” Jason looked at the clock as if he were hoping for a bell to ring “Did it feel this lonely after your Dad ya know?” the kid was all too interested in Cordelia’s past sure she was happy to supply it but it was strange to try to remember what had precisely happened.

“Well, it was an isolating thing even with all my siblings mostly because we were very quiet about most everything in our lives.” she curled her hair around her finger “That’s why when I met Charlotte it was just really refreshing. We just clicked with everything that had happened to us.” Jason seemed almost shocked at this fact “Grief is a weird thing kid, sometimes you just wake up one morning and you can get a full breath, sometimes you need to find the right person, and sometimes it just takes years.”

“I can’t do years of this.” the teen’s face went distant as if he had spotted something just over the horizon and he needed to remember it’s likeness.

“I can’t guarantee that you won’t have to. But I can guarantee that I’ll be here.” that was all she could offer and in a world where one’s word meant so little, she perilously needed this to matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while. My birthday is coming up so I will probably use that as an excuse...


	31. What Would Have Been.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason attempts to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for why I took so long.

Celebrating his birthday again was a glove that didn't quite fit Jason's hand. It gave the same sensation as driving down a road you have only seen at night, something so familiar yet foreign all at the same time, the walls of a high school you only attended for a year, driving the highway by yourself for the first time, a dog of the same breed as your childhood one, so on so forth. But with that feeling came the rest of the family peeking over his shoulder close to pleading for this one event to prove that they were, in fact, the normal family they so often wished to be.

“Huh, I figured it would say ‘Halfway to 32’ this year.” Jason spelt every word out with his finger.

His godmother squinted “Why?”

“Because last year,” he extended the last syllable “You remember don't you?”

“Maybe.”

“I do!” Charlotte called from the kitchen waving her hand ever so slightly

“There was never a doubt in my mind babe!” Cordelia placed her purse on the chair. 

* * *

 “I don’t get it.” Heather placed her head against her desk “Why did I let you talk me into this?”

“Class hasn’t even started! Plus you’ll be fine history is your best subject after all.”

“Yeah normal history not this nerdier version!” she closed her book for dramatic effect.

“It's not that much harder!”

“Whatever.” she shrugged “Wanna walk together today it's been forever since we did!”

Jason had no reason to take the same route as Heather he had nowhere to go eastbound “Yeah that sounds fun!”

He wasn't sure why exactly he agreed to walk Heather home that day or why he stopped outside of the building that used to home three of the most important figures in his life. The key word was 'used' this building was nothing more than an empty vessel, a meaningless song that carried through the wind, a blank book. His memories from inside this brick structure were his, not this building's it to it he owed nothing. But all the same, his feet held firm against the concrete his eyes squared on the third-floor windows as if he were in a staring contest with them and losing was his last intention. Had this place even been real? No. None of his memories of this place seemed lucid as if he had simply passed this place every day and imagined what life might have been if he had simply lived in a flat there. This place was filled with people that had no reason to greet or even remember him, people who lived their life unaware of any of the goings on's in unit thirty-five, people who had no reason to even acknowledge the passing of today who tomorrow would have no reason to remember this specific Monday of this specific February of this specific year. 

* * *

 Grief is an odd emotion to describe, easy to place and recognize, but it could never be given a straightforward explanation. Greif danced around one’s mouth never leaving in the right words, never articulated correctly, but always wearing a mocking grin. That was why Jason held the firm belief that a therapist or psychiatrist wouldn’t be a handy tool, that if he couldn’t even understand his words than why would some outside party?

“Please just once, I think it would help.” this was almost too reminiscent of her pleas from what seemed like decades ago, he couldn’t have been more than just nine years old when she first pitched the idea.

“Why waste my time?” he scoffed placed his first foot in the step just in front of him “I lived through it what’s the point of therapy then?”

His mother locked eyes with him and placed one hand on the bannister “You can’t be certain and it’s not about living through it it’s about dealing with it after.”

Jason almost went for the low blow, that perhaps she needed it more “Can I just not?” his tone took one of exhaustion “Can’t I just live? You both just assume that I can’t handle this. Well, guess what? I handled it once, I can do it again!”

“But you shouldn’t do it alone.”

Jason shook his head and turned to go to his room even if she had a point this was his decision to make no her’s. She wasn’t in his head and she didn’t know what he really needed or what exactly would push him to his limits. 

* * *

 “Do you want to come to the new apartment?” it almost didn’t dawn on Jason that he hadn’t even seen it yet.

“Yeah, sure.” he wasn’t exactly enthused after all it was just an apartment, not some big event. Right?

The new apartment was nice, missing a certain flair that the old one had but nice nonetheless. A bedroom, an office that Cordelia seemed to gloss over, a larger kitchen that she gave an almost forced smile at, and a living room that housed countless photos a shrine almost to the family. Peppered between pictures of a beaming Whizzer or Mendel and Trina sitting on a couch were faces Jason couldn’t place; a man with long hair with his arm around Cordelia’s shoulder, a woman with curly hair striking a ridiculous pose, a man and a woman almost polar opposites in regards to looks both framing their faces with their hands.

“Charlotte thought it would be nice to have some college photos.” Cordelia smiled her eyes tracing the web of frames “It gives me a reason to remember then, I guess.”

“It looks like fun.”

“It wasn’t.” Cordelia smiled “Trina might murder me if you don’t go so,” she mumbled something to herself before she raised her voice again “It wasn’t fun because like the time wasn’t fun, it’s less fun in retrospect.”

“Imagine if I went home and just yelled, “Mom I’m not going to college because Delia didn’t have fun!” I think she’d murder me before you.”

“No she’d be like stabbing you, I’m honestly not sure how she would do it, and then she’d like even think about the concept of me and boom I am dead.”

Jason laughed “Why do you think she’s that powerful?”

“Because I know she is.” 

* * *

 “So are you going to Connecticut this summer or are you planning on not being boring?” Heather slumped over balancing on the tips of her feet.

“Connecticut isn’t boring!” to this the girl raised her eyebrows “But yeah we’re visiting Mendel’s family, only for a week though.”

“Oh thank god!” she flattened her feet “Because last year you just disappeared!”

It didn’t click in Jason’s head at the time the exact reason why he had disappeared “Awww you missed me!”

“Maybe.” she darted her eyes as if she were suspicious of everything in the surroundings.

“Well, I probably won’t disappear on you this summer so if I do assume the worse.”

“That’s not funny!” Heather protested. 

* * *

 The drive to the cemetery is one Jason had only seen three times by way of car, this marked the third. He didn’t remember it as well as he believed; a tree he could have sworn was never there, a townhome that surely wasn’t a light blue before, benches that didn’t seem to belong. It seemed like he should have remembered this all, this was a well-travelled path after all.

Charlotte and Cordelia had arrived before them, Cordelia wearing the dark brown jumpsuit that she swore was black, Charlotte dressed in blue high waisted pants and a button up, together they seemed to clash as if they didn’t belong to the same event. The three joined them and in a semicircle, they stood around his father.

The silence that fell over them was addicting Cordelia was the first one to even make a noise, she laughed, a forced and ungenuine laugh that carried no warmth or true happiness “I’m sorry,” Jason looked to her face her eyes were glassy as she continued her eye contact with the stone “I was just thinking about,” she didn’t finish her thought, Jason almost didn’t care to hear her explanation.

“Maybe we should get lunch together.” His Mother brushed her skirt down.

“Does anyone know any places around here.” When he was met with only mumbles Mendel looked down as if he were trying to also recall if he did.

“I can always cook.” when no one denied Trina took that as her answer.

The thing the family seemed to do well was to divide with ease, Charlotte and Mendel paired off, his Mother went to cook, which left him and Cordelia to sit in the living room.

“Sorry I keep bringing this up but,” he truly was no matter how much she promised she didn’t it always appeared to Jason that she minded talking about this “Did it feel this lonely after your Dad ya know?” the loneliness was an odd thing it was always a sudden realization while sitting in class just how separate he felt from everyone around him, in a room full of people he still felt truly alone.  
  
“Well, it was an isolating thing even with all my siblings mostly because we were very quiet about most everything in our lives.” she curled her hair around her finger “That’s why when I met Charlotte it was just really refreshing. We just clicked with everything that had happened to us.” he was a little shocked what exactly had Charlotte clicked with her on? “Grief is a weird thing kid, sometimes you just wake up one morning and you can get a full breath, sometimes you need to find the right person, and sometimes it just takes years.”

“I can’t do years of this.” he needed his voice to stay strong but it trembled in all the wrong places.

“I can’t guarantee that you won’t have to. But I can guarantee that I’ll be here.” he knew the words were true and at least that was enough “Do you want to go play with Martha.” Jason nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm real depressed my folks so yeah... Yes I do use these as a diary because I'm not a healthy person whatsoever


	32. Fly My Meadowlark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trina lives an unexamined life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna edit this in the morning I promise.

God had always seemed to be a truth in apparent chaos to Trina, a pillar that held up during even the most troubling of times. So why was this different? With Whizzer she had lost the notion that everything happened for a reason, but why with Marvin did she have to lose something that had been so close to her. A God isn’t something that one is willing to give up easily, but it seemed as if while she slept someone had broken in and taken it leaving no indication that they had ever even been there. 

* * *

 "I told Charlotte I didn't want a kid at all a few months ago and I still feel really fucking guilty." she laughed at herself "And I'm sitting here at thirty-eight wondering if I should have a kid and you're over there having one at twenty.”

That didn’t quite sit well with Trina "What did you want to be when you were twenty?"

"A teacher." Cordelia almost smiled.

"Well that clearly didn't work out." she paused noting in her head that she should ask more about that "But when you're twenty you have no clue who you are or what you even want. I was barely out of my parent's house and was just hoping that my job as a secretary would lead somewhere bigger! Then boom I have a husband and a kid and at the same time no clue as to what I actually wanted."

"That makes some sense." it actually made a lot of sense to the shiksa at the time.

"But I am glad Jason was born,” she said this as if she were trying to reaffirm this point in her own head “Life has a funny way of doing that though. Something that seems so awful can bring many wonders.” she smiled before pulling her face back to rest “I have always wanted to know what would’ve happened if I had just turned Marvin down that first night though. You'll find your path kid or no kid." this was a talk that seemed almost nostalgic to her for no exact reason, perhaps it was a memory of her sister? Something of a path without a kid seemed reminiscent of her.

“But what about you?” Trina looked up to catch icy blue eyes “What did you want to do when you were twenty?”

“Oh,” she pushed her mug away “Well I was barely twenty when I did get pregnant, but I did have this whole idea that I would have a big family, but Marvin said he would max out at two.” she exhaled “If I’m being totally honest I don’t think I would’ve stayed with him.”

“Really?” Cordelia had always somewhat assumed that Trina had initially swooned over Marvin, it was only later in the relationship that it had fallen from a triumphant march.

“Yeah, he was sweet and I liked him but he was also very childish and I was constantly left wanting someone more mature.” she clicked her nail against the mug “The first two years were good though.”

“Did you plan on having a second kid.”

Trina avoided Cordelia’s eyes “We did but,” she left her mouth mumbling for a second “Life doesn’t always work out. We had baby names picked out and everything.”

“Oh really what?” the blonde smiled tilting her head.

“Mendel.” Trina smiled giggling a little “I’m joking of course! But Marvin liked Raphael and I liked the name Delilah so it was either one of those.”

The caterer placed her hand underneath her chin “Do you ever wish you did? Have another kid ya know?”

“Sometimes. I don’t exactly envy the Trina that has two Jasons running around but I do want to know what her life is like. But what about you, do you wish you had kept teaching?”

“Nope.” the answer was short “I was a teacher’s aid for a while and then an actual teacher until I think I was like thirty.”

“What subject?”

“Middle school English.” she rolled her eyes, “I think I would genuinely rather die than read ‘Where the Red Fern Grows’ again.”

“Well, at least you found a better fit.”

“It’s nice to know I did.” 

* * *

 "Mission therapy is a bust." Trina laid her arms along the width of the bed.

"Talking through it didn't help?"

"No." She leaned her head back "He argues like his Father so the moment he realizes he might not win it's flipped so no one wins."

“I mean we probably can’t force him to go.” Mendel shrugged.

“I wish we could.” she gave an exaggerated sigh “He’ll be mad at me for three hours and then we’ll talk about it more and in hopefully three weeks he’ll come around.”

“It’s like you have a stopwatch.”

“I just know my son, what can I say?” Mendel smiled and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

She was, in fact, wrong, Jason refused to see a therapist for longer than her prediction. He also continued his anger towards her for another few weeks. 

* * *

 The path that her dance would take was one that she couldn’t quite figure out. Her feet seemed to glide through it as if it were one she had learned so long ago but it all seemed so foggy in her head. Last time she danced did her feet seem so numb, did her hair fly into her face, did the floor push against her so often? Surely this was something familiar she had been here before her feet knew this so well. 

* * *

 “I like the hair!”

Cordelia crimped the bottom of her hair “Thanks, I haven’t cut it in like four years so I figured it was time.” she shook it out “Ya know I saw some kid,” using the word kid made her feel much older than she actually was “With bright pink hair near Lenox Hill and I thought about dying my hair that colour for a solid minute.”

“I mean it would fit you.”

“Whizzer used to say that I should dye my hair constantly,” she smiled “If it wasn’t for Charlotte the first time you met me I probably would have had blue hair.”

Trina gave a small laugh “Pink fits you better.”

“I agree! Maybe for Jason’s wedding.”

“I can’t tell if he would hate you for it or love you.” she truly couldn’t it seemed like such a bizarre concept.

“I guess we’ll see when it happens.” Cordelia raised her mug.

Trina brushed her hair behind her ear “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, I will!” 

* * *

 “Okay so, mission therapy is officially off!”

Mendel frowned “Already?”

“Yeah, I’m just done I can’t keep arguing in circles. He’s never going to come around.”

“Give him time I’m sure he’ll come around.”

Trina pulled at her temple “No he won’t that’s the problem. He’s set in the idea that therapy is a waste of time and won’t let that go!”

“You’re set in the idea that he won’t change his mind.”

“He’s my son I know him.” she could feel a tension headache coming on.

“Well, he’s also my son.” Mendel took a sharp inhale.

She pushed her eyebrows together “I’ve had this argument with him and Marvin a thousand times this time is different and I know it.”

“He’s not eleven and he’s not Marvin!” the pause he took seemed to stretch on for hours in Trina’s ears “Look you’ll figure something out honey. You always do.” 

* * *

 “Is Bubbeh coming for Purim?”

“Yes, so we have to act like we celebrate it every year.” god forbid her Mother figure out how loosely she played holidays.

“How come we don’t do that when my Mother comes to town?” Mendel joked.

Trina set down their plates in the sink “Because she won’t force us into celebrating literally every holiday with her, I love my Mother and everything but I’d like to spend Yom Kippur with the lesbians, not her.”

“That’s fair.”

“Do you think she actually cares?” Jason folded his hands as if he were proposing a concept.

“She might,” Trina turned on the water and raised her voice to speak above it, “I think she just kinda likes making Mendel feel awkward around her.”

“Why?” Mendel scrunched his face.

“Because it’s funny darling!” 

* * *

 “Charlotte and I have been thinking after Jason goes to college of course, that we might move to the suburbs or maybe out of state.”

Trina scoffed “The suburbs, really Delia?”

“What’s wrong with the suburbs?” the shiksa quickly abandoned any talk of an out of state move.

“I lived there for six years and if you put a gun to my head and said, “I pull this trigger or you move back.” I’d say “I want a phone call to Mendel and Jason before you do.”

To this Cordelia scrunched her nose “It can’t be that bad.”

“It’s filled with people who have nothing interesting going on so they choose to start drama to have the illusion of something enthralling.”

“Duly noted.” Cordelia nodded. 

* * *

 Three-hundred and sixty-five days, well actually sixty-six when you accounted for the leap year, had flowed past Trina since that fateful Thursday in June. The day when making it to the next day seemed like an insurmountable task. The day that she knew Mendel had to look her son in the eyes and deliver the news no fifteen-year-old should hear. She had never asked Mendel about those moments, never thanked him for standing up when she only seemed to coward, for talking about that seemed so taboo that she had no idea where she would even start.

Fifty-two weeks away from where they had begun they somehow ended in the same place, the same sparsely wooded area in front of the stone that displayed a name that seemed much smaller than the man it belonged to. But buried in the nook of Mendel’s neck she didn’t ponder what exactly was in a name if hers even fit the person she had grown into, if a name could ever truly capture the essence of a person or if that was a silly thought that had no merit of its own. No, as her head rested against her husband all she could think about was if Marvin would have done this for her. It seemed rather selfish, surely the hypothetical actions of her ex-husband were not relevant right now. But all the same she wondered what he would have done if he too would have cried at the bottom of his shower, if he would have organized her funeral, if he would have bought her favourite flowers to lay at her burial site, if even a year later he would have organized for the entire family to visit her. Her answer was yes, maybe a few details would have been changed but there he was a kind enough man to do that for her. In the back of her head, the answer faltered ever so slightly, that Marvin would have mourned her but not sung an elegy that he simply wouldn’t have had the time.

Cordelia let out a small laugh it seemed disingenuous “I’m sorry I was just thinking about,” she didn’t finish her thought. Trina wasn’t angry at the laugh rather that she dared to break the silence that this moment was no longer solemn in nature and all because of a false laugh.

“Maybe we should get lunch.” her voice was low in tone and volume.

“Does anyone know any places around here.” the wiry man looked up to the leaves of the grand oak that stood above him.

“I can always cook.” when no one denied Trina took that as her answer.

She could make a family of five work, this wasn’t too little of a number she had just tricked herself into believing it to be so, as long as they had health and love five could make a family. She could be happy with this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Comments really help motivate me so if you'd give a sad bitch one thing it's this. 2) Happy Chanukah! Personally, I'm celebrating it with my friend and his family so that's fun! 3) I love Trina.


	33. I Miss the Mountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mendel ponders whether playing is truly worth the effort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was off celebrating Chanukah so... That excuses nothing because I fully uploaded on Yom Kippur.

Hard as it seemed Mendel stopped playing, the music that had once flowed from his fingertips had been damned. It had always seemed so unnatural to him to put in so much effort into a sonata that no one’s ears caught. What was the point anymore? The only person who had seemed to care was presumably dead so why even pluck the notes? Why not just phone this whole thing in? Slow down the tempo, miss the proper keys, put his training to waste because not one single person would notice if he did any differently. 

* * *

 “This is purely hypothetical,” Cordelia clicked a pen “But suppose you had lived in an apartment for most of your real adult life.”

“Is this why you called me?”

“Sorry, it's just-”

“No, you're fine, if you want to continue.” Mendel switched the phone to his other hand.

“Well, this apartment has been with you for all the remarkable moments of your life. But now you have to move.” she stopped clicking her pen “Would it be reasonable to be even a little sad.”

Mendel was aware that this so clearly wasn’t a hypothetical “Well places especially home can leave a huge impact,” he phoned in his work more than he wished to admit this didn't exactly seem like an exception “And leaving that can seem like leaving a comfort item behind you. But you have to take life in stride, that includes the bad.”

He wasn't the help she needed and somewhere in her head Cordelia was aware of this but the fear of going through this alone silenced her “Thank you.” 

* * *

 "Mission therapy is a bust." Trina laid her arms along the width of the bed.

"Talking through it didn't help?"

"No." She leaned her head back "He argues like his Father so the moment he realizes he might not win it's flipped so no one wins."

“I mean we probably can’t force him to go.” Mendel shrugged.

“I wish we could. He’ll be mad at me for three hours and then we’ll talk about it more and in hopefully three weeks he’ll come around.” she pulled her eyes back.

“It’s like you have a stopwatch.” he pressed two of his fingers together as if to click a non-existent button.

“I just know my son, what can I say?” he smiled and placed a kiss on the top of her head.

“Do you really think he argues like Marvin though?” that had irked Mendel for some unknown reason, the concept that Jason inherited that trait from Marvin didn’t quite glide down his throat.

“Remember the first couple of months after the whole,” she clapped her hands together “Incident? Remember how awful it was to even try to reason with him? Because it’s like that but he’s sixteen and for his own good you can’t just hang up.” she blew a strand of hair up.

“Oh.” he decided to drop it there surely milling over this wasn’t going to prevent a single thing. 

* * *

 He hadn’t touched the piano in months, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to play he loved playing. It was the lack of a reason to, sure he enjoyed playing but plucking the notes brought no reason or meaning to his life. 

* * *

 Did Trina truly believe that Jason was also his son or would he always just be ‘Mom’s new friend’ in her eyes. It was somewhat disheartening that after almost seven years he still couldn’t have a say in Jason’s affairs, soon he would be an adult and Mendel had almost always been the outsider of the family. He didn’t want or expect to be called Dad just the acknowledgement of a parental role. But now any hope of that seemed so distant. 

* * *

 “Is Bubbeh coming for Purim?” Jason pushed in his chair.

“Yes, so we have to act like we celebrate it every year.” god forbid her Mother figure out how loosely she played holidays.

“How come we don’t do that when my Mother comes to town?” Mendel gave a jokey frown.

“Because she won’t force us into celebrating literally every holiday with her, I love my Mother and everything but I’d like to spend Yom Kippur with the lesbians, not her.” the two women had somehow formed the holiday tradition around themselves in both Trina and Mendel’s minds.

“That’s fair.” he shrugged

“Do you think she actually cares?” Jason crossed one leg in front of the other.

“She might,” Trina turned on the water and raised her voice to speak above it, “I think she just kinda likes making Mendel feel awkward around her.”

“Why?” he scrunched his face.

“Because it’s funny darling!”

“I’m gonna go finish my math.” Jason pointed a thumb to the stairwell.  
  
“Don’t die!” his Mother smiled.

Trina shortly after shutting off the faucet and placed her weight between her two arms and leaned into the counter “Charlotte invited us, the year anniversary is coming up.”

The anniversary of what wasn’t a question “Do you think we should go?”

“Well, yes. Do you?”

“Yes but it’s not really up to us.” she placed her hair on both shoulders “It’s about what he wants.” 

* * *

 Jason wanted to go and it turned out that if he refused to Trina would have gone alone. The whole event seemed to drag on for longer than the year had seemed to, he felt guilty for being impatient here he had let the year all three hundred and sixty-six days occur without a second thought and only now when faced with the lull that fell over the field did he wonder if he should’ve resisted more, if he should have kicked and screamed before all those days aligned themselves and took so many minutes off his life.

Cordelia had laughed and offered an apology to the humid air, Mendel just wondered what exactly had been funny enough to laugh.

On the drive home, he couldn’t remember who exactly had said that they should have lunch together, not Cordelia she would have offered to cook and Charlotte wouldn’t have seemed to offer she didn’t seem to be the type to do that. His mind rested on the fact that Trina had, it didn’t really matter if she did he didn’t worry himself with that.

Charlotte asked to see the dog and he was the first one to offer to go out with her, after all, she was good company.

“You really keep her out here all the time?” Charlotte scratched Martha’s ear.

“No Jason likes to be dramatic about the fact that we put her out here when we leave the house.”

“He’s a dramatic kid.” she shrugged, the long pause they took was awkward, to say the least, it was the acknowledgement that they should have spoken more but any words escaped them both. Mendel spun his wedding band around his finger a nervous tick he had developed the moment it was placed on his hand “I do that too!” Charlotte hooked her ring finger “The ring thing.” she spun it almost to demonstrate.

“Oh yeah? I used to just do it with my bracelets but now with the ring, it’s less distracting.”

“It’s distracting to the girl who does registration apparently.” she stated this as if Mendel would have known this registration woman, “She asked me if I was married and I said yes before I even thought about it. Thank god I have the perfect fake husband.”

Mendel chuckled “Cordelia says that I’m her husband if anyone asks, we kind of bank on the idea that the people will not know both of us.”

“We have like a lot of mutual friends,” Charlotte brought her face down “How are you guys going to recover if someone pieces that together.”

“Either a super dramatic divorce or vehemently deny any previous knowledge of the fake marriage.”

“Smart Wesienbachfeld, very smart.”

The psychiatrist smiled “I know!”

“I should actually get someone to be my husband. Someone's gonna get suspicious the next time my ‘best friend’ visits.” saying that Cordelia was her best friend wasn't technically a lie but all the same, it still felt like a charade.

“I'd say me but I'm taken,” he winked “Maybe you say he does doctor stuff in other countries.”

“I could that would buy me more time.” she placed an arm on her knee "It’s funny, I've spent all of my life being so afraid I don't know if I could even conjure a world where I'm not." This sentence was spoken slowly spaced out as if she needed the man to think deeply about every word that left her mouth.

Even when he spaced it out he still couldn't fully catch the sentence, it seemed to shift the tone so much of that they were both aware “That doesn't seem funny.”

“Neither do you.”

“Hey! You can insult me in front of my wife and kid but the dog? Come on Char!”

She shrugged “She had to learn someday.”

“It was too soon.” he shook his head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Charlotte's chapter I'm going to revise a lot of my chapters so look out for that. Also, listen to Next to Normal I love it dearly. Why are all of my metaphors music and like dance-based? Because I know exactly one thing.


	34. You are Complete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte plays a melody unaccompanied by any harmony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly can't wait to revise this all.

“Is this really the finish?” her lover's voice seemed distant as if she were asking this question through the separation of a wall “Well you find the place and I'll pack.” This didn't feel like a win for the both of them, Cordelia had given up and that wasn't the ending Charlotte had exactly hoped for.

“Are you sure?”

“I think so.” the blonde bobbed her head “It seems right.”

“Does it really?” the pause that lingered over the two said more than Cordelia ever could have “You don’t have to do this.”

“I will.” she weaved her fingers together “It’s going to happen at some point we might as well do it earlier than later. Either way, there’s no one left in this building for us.” she leaned into Charlotte’s shoulder “Remember the day we moved in?”

“I really only remember yelling at Whizzer, I don’t really remember why though.”

“Oh yeah!” the shiksa perked up a little too much “He brought in maybe two boxes and insisted it was helping, then you both started yelling, I think someone brought out a dictionary and then he offered to order dinner so you both cooled down.”

“Why didn’t we get evicted then? I feel like that was the best opportunity to.”

“I brought cookies to the super. That’s why he still likes us.” she gave a small smile.

Charlotte yawned “I’m gonna go to sleep, being on the day shift has ruined my whole night owl thing.”

“Well don’t wait up for me!”

She awoke alone the next morning. Cordelia wasn’t on the fire escape nor anywhere in the apartment, it seemed. She returned at noon with no explanation to where she had been until much later in the day.

“They repainted Whiz and I’s old apartment complex.” she sipped her water “I liked the other colour more.”

“Was that the one with the green wallpaper or the patterned wood flooring?”

“The wood flooring.” she brushed a hand through her hair “It's funny I hadn't even thought about that place since like ‘81 and then suddenly," it wasn't all too sudden she had been planning to go for a while "I thought it would be nice to visit.”

It had all happened faster than she wished it to life ran faster the moments she wished it only to slow. The apartment seemed too different empty, without the sofa and rugs, the large table that Cordelia had wanted for so long was now absent, and in place of family photos the white walls presented only their blank canvas. Home was a transportable thing, wasn’t it? A concept so small that it fit in a moving truck. But then again she had always said that Cordelia was her home, that as long as it was the two of them she would always sleep well.

“You ready pumpkin?”

Cordelia had seemed to disappear into the hallway beyond her voice carried clearly “You go down I just need to get a few more things!” that was a lie she had already collected the last two boxes, she just needed these last few minutes to be ones spent alone “If I’m not down in five you can just leave me here!” 

* * *

 When placed in the unfamiliar territory of the new apartment Charlotte's mind didn't seem to want to steady itself, instead jumping from subject to subject never letting one truly hit her. The idea that perhaps she had never truly gotten over Whizzer and now piling on Marvin was too much, maybe she should have moved out of the city when she was younger before life tied her down, perhaps Trina was truly the strongest one of them because she wasn't afraid of emotion like everyone else seemed to be. The last one did seem to stick somehow, a fear of emotion that was almost genetic in this family. Surely she was projecting. Mendel worked with nothing but emotions, Jason was still young, and Cordelia, well for Cordelia perhaps it was true. Cordelia surely was better at this than her, that was a given, but it seemed that neither one of them had fully let anything in their life process. Nothing had seemed to truly hit them and the question of if it ever would just missed Charlotte’s mind. It may have not been her fault but that didn't matter did it? 

* * *

 “I thought more people knowing would help,” she truly had it was a hope she had held closely “But I didn't anticipate them not caring. They only care enough to joke about it.”

“Why would they? They're not losing anyone, they're not dying.” her head perked up but chose to look simply at the wall “As long as it's only the homos dying they will never care.”

“You always sound so sure when you say things like that.” it was striking her tone sat so monotone as if she had looked at herself in the mirror and said those exact words.

“That’s because I am.” 

* * *

  _"_ _Do you really think I'm going to die."_

_"I don't want to talk about that now Whiz."_

_"Please?"_

_"I don't know, no one knows really."_

_"You've_ never _not had a stance in your life."_

_"I'm afraid to take one." To that Whizzer lifted an eyebrow "If I say yes then I'm only going to worry you and maybe set you up for something that won't come in the near future. But if I say no and I'm wrong-"_

_"It's the same story.”_

_"Yeah."_

_Whizzer focused his eyes on the bland abstract painting that sat just across the room “I never thought about how you basically do this for a job. The whole death thing.”_

_“I didn't either.” she furrowed her brows “I don't think I really could.”_

_“That's fair.”_

_For a moment Charlotte wished for her life to be nothing but a story, no loose ends, no mixed feelings, no lost potential. Something simplistic that fit in the palm of her hand, something that was easily understood. But most of all she simply wanted a happy ending with an epilogue that spelt out nothing but a fair world._

_But that was an optimist’s illusion of life, a thought that was easy to visualize but impossible to ever achieve._

* * *

 “I never really thought the first time we met you guys would ever be such a big part of our life.” Trina confessed “Mendel and I realized that we deeply associate Yom Kippur with you two now.”

“That's funny Cordelia and I say the same thing! Well except that always leads into the whole temple conversation.”

“Right, I never understood why she found a problem with not going.”

Charlotte shrugged “She sees it as awkward but I don't think anyone else does.” she tapped the top of the table.

“I'm kind of jealous, I fully would skip if it wasn't very looked down upon.” the Mother placed her hand against her face pushing against her cheekbone.

“Wouldn't we all?” 

* * *

 “I don't think I'm okay.” Cordelia always seemed to concede things at the oddest possible times, it always seemed like a small outburst.

“Oh,” she had never been a master of comforting words, occasionally she seemed to pass but most times she floundered.

Even her fiance seemed the smallest bit confused as to what she had said herself “Yeah,” she wasn't sure what to say “Well I say I think because what the hell does okay mean either way?” she shook her head “I just think I'm afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Living, being with people again. I feel like I'm disappointing them by not being able to trust anyone anymore so it's just an endless cycle of guilt.” she bit the inside of her lip “I've spent so long caring so deeply about people but now what's even the point?”

“Not everyone will leave you.”

“But too many do.” she shook her head “And I feel like I'm just constantly waiting for you to leave.”

“Do I make you feel like I am?”

“Not your actions but Jesus Christ you're a doctor! You're this brilliant woman and what do I have to bring to the table? Mediocrity.”

“How long have you felt like this.”

Cordelia slicked her hair back “I wouldn't even know. I think I've just been inefficient my whole life.”

“Don't say that.”

“It's true.”

Charlotte squinted “No it's not. I might be a doctor but that doesn't mean what you do are worthless, it doesn't mean you're mediocre.”

“It's not just that, you've always been too good for me, I've had to reach for you so much.”

“You're kinder than me.” her eyes focused on Cordelia's face with an intensity as if she were trying to find a new feature she hadn't noticed before “You genuinely care about people, not just things, it may seem small but it's a trait not many have and one that everyone needs.”

“But is that really enough to justify anything?”

“You don’t have to justify your existence.”

Cordelia for a second sat still not in concentration nor in shock Charlotte truly couldn’t read the pause “If I don’t then what reason is there for an existence?”

“Whatever reason you put to it I suppose.” 

* * *

 Reason for their actions was something that never seemed to come. She had no reason to be here sure it had become the fourteenth once again but did that carry any merit itself? Sure twelve months had passed but those months meant no real significance to the event. Yet she called Trina, she planned to meet here, she walked here, and most of all she stayed.

Mendel, Trina, and Jason had arrived at the time that they had all agreed on and as if posing for a portrait the family rose with an almost unnatural posture. A laugh was forced, feet were shuffled, Trina clasped and unclasped her hands repeatedly, and for those few moments, life seemed close to serene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new chapters till like January but I will be revising I think I said that already....


End file.
